monsters

Game-Altering Poll: Pet Owners Prefer McCain

That is actually John McCain's catA new poll from the venerable AP-Yahoo partnership shows that pet owners prefer John McCain over Barack Obama, 42% to 37%. (The other 21%, we assume, support pet-loving failure Mitt Romney.) Dog owners, especially, support John McCain by a wide margin, while cat owners of course lean towards known homosexual Barack Obama. Obama owns no pets because he hates domesticated beasts. But — as the AP tells us — John McCain owns a “veritable menagerie” of creatures. Sexy!

These are all of the monsters John McCain owns:

  • Sam, the English springer spaniel! That would be a… dog!
  • Coco, “the mutt.” Coco is a mulatto!
  • Two turtles that Common Man John McCain has named after FORMALWEAR ACCESSORIES: “Cuff” and “Link.” He does not, however, own any gerbils named “Cummerbund.”
  • Oreo, a cat that John McCain eats regularly.
  • A nameless ferret that Meghan McCain frequently sports as a stinky scarf.
  • Three parakeets, also nameless; although when Cindy McCain gets hopped up on pills she worships them as the actual Holy Trinity.
  • “A bunch of saltwater fish,” a.k.a. plantation slaves.

Poll: Pet owners prefer McCain over Obama [AP/WTOP]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
What Others Are Reading

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

1 comment

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    EXTRA EXTRA:
    AP ASSIGNING INTERNS TO DO REPORTING
    CUT COSTS MAKE FOR ARTICLES LIKE THIS ONE
    SOON YOUR DOG WILL BE TELLING YOU HOW TO VOTE

  2. uncletravelingmatt

    There is nothing more “Presidential” than someone carrying around a little plastic bag full of animal feces.

  3. Inadequate Blackmail

    I sense a disturbance in The Force, as if a million Wonketeers were coming up with Crazy Cat Lady jokes at once…

  4. toastandlove

    What about all the crazy cat-ladies at hcsfjm.alsjfkldjsl.wtf? The people DESERVE TO KNOW

  5. Beef Supreme

    That was an interesting poll. Also, owners of cock-fighting roosters support McCain by 97%.

  6. Doglessliberal

    How about people who have sex with pets? I am betting McCain gets the bestiality vote, too, especially from Florida, where it is not illegal.

  7. Tawmn

    I couldn’t help but notice that Meg-han McCain has a song on her summertime playlist from MUSLIM EXTRETMEIST Cat Stevens. Is this a secret “I love you” to Hopey?

  8. mookworthjwilson

    [re=31224]Beef Supreme[/re]: And they are all have the beetus like their hero Wilford Brimley…

    BTW Cuff and Link were the names of Rocky’s pet turtles, for those who slept through the 70s and didn’t know…

  9. villageatrois

    My dog, a mutt himself, is willing to interview Coco. Provided — Coco must be female, must pass a sniff test, and must stand still during the actual examination. Due to these criteria, my dog does not like Jamacain. The cats don’t like him either, but cats have natural snark.

  10. Maj. Major Major Major

    This reflects the urban – rural divide in the Great American Culture War. The further you get from midtown the greater your chances of owning a pet and voting Republican.

  11. ForeignSickSpecialist

    [re=31220]Baiowulf[/re]: Correct. Pet owners tend to vote for old reliable conservative ex POWs, while pet LOVERS prefer libertarians. They don’t want the government dictating what happens in the privacy of one’s own kennel.

  12. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    The article failed to mention that 87% of unicorn owners support Hope™

  13. Truculent

    …know homossexual MUSLIM TERRORIST. Please don’t make me correct you yet again.

  14. anabellum

    [re=31249]SayItWithWookies[/re]: i can see why, the simularities are striking…”The attachments for biting muscles are: Two bone arches, plus the side of the little brain box, plus the struts joining the arches. The brain box is little, because tuatara is not very clever and most of tuatara’s skull is for eating, not thinking.”

  15. nbawriter

    [re=31237]obfuscator[/re]: I thought their names were “Platinum” and “Baldy?”

  16. Johnny Zhivago

    The pets belong to Cindy, not John; she’s always looking for something new to cuddle.

  17. AxmxZ

    Jerboa owners were found to overwhelmingly support Obama. Something about the ears, the long legs, and the irresistible cuteness.

  18. ServiceJervixJuice

    “Cummerbund” is an odd German fellow who lives in a closet in McCain’s basement.

  19. masterofzen

    [re=31275]awesomeguy#1[/re]: Oh, my, you have taught me something fascinating that I did not know. Wait a minute — are they the same turtles? Maybe a gift from Stallone, who I believe was the one who freed McCain from the Hanoi Hilton?

  20. PJ

    Oh, little interns! Oh, little INNN-terns! YOOOOHOOOO! Come sit down here by me.

    :draws skirts aside to make room:

    My gosh, but it’s been a long time since I actually spoke to anyone other than my two fur-friends Molly and Gizmo.

    Now I know for a fact that those members of the Oughtred Society who own cats support Obama, dear. Are you old enough to drive? You look so young.

    Now tell Auntie the truth. Did you just call home and ask your family those questions because it was really scary to have to call strangers? I thought that might be the case.

    Now you just open that little laptop of yours and google ‘representative sample.’ We’ll go for ice cream once you can tell me why just calling your family and then writing about it was a bad idea.

    No, I’m not mad, but I am disappointed.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    [re=31287]anabellum[/re]: Also they live in sheltered burrows and have been struggling to survive ever since the Maori first came to New Zealand about 20,000 years ago.
    But I do like that site’s writing style — check out the link to the weta (the huge, venomous insect, not the TV station) if you found that entertaining.

  22. obfuscator

    [re=31244]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:

    No, you’re thinking of her pet bobcats, “Hairdo” & “Gorilla Salad”.

  23. Guppy06

    [re=31214]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: At this point, I think I’d rather have the dogs voting.

  24. ladymacbeth

    technically i would prefer to see more pictures of john mccain’s pets and less of cindy.

    especially that cat.

  25. Borat

    we need more surveys like this but with more microtrend population groups. like how many KKK dudes support McC, how many court-marshalled solders support McKey, etc

  26. Elessar

    Well now that everyone knows Obama’s family is getting a puppy, I should think the pet voter base would be back in his camp. He better have some of his staff out looking for dog doors, beds, treats, etc… The President doesn’t have time for stuff like that!
    I suggest:
    http://www.discount-pet-superstore.com/dog_doors/patio_panel_doors.htm
    One of those would look great in the White House and is small enough to be guarded by a single secret service dog.

Comments are closed.