campaign ads

Walnuts: Don’t Hope For Anything Good To Happen If I’m In Charge

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Here’s a new “biographical” ad from John McCain, where we learn — get this — that while a bunch of hippie anarcho-pinkist fags like 7-year-old Barack Obama spent five years mud-fucking on the AIDSy grounds of Woodstock in the 1960s, McCain was at a subprime torture hotel in Vietnam. The ad concludes with a number of inspirational messages that will surely drive voters to his corner, such as “John McCain doesn’t always tell us what we hope to hear” and “Don’t hope for a better life.” This rhetoric. We are overcome. [YouTube]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • medievalist

    He’s a MAVERICK who doesn’t like to talk about HOW HE WAS SHOT DOWN IN VIETNAM and besides, the world is DANGEROUS.

    Message: Fuck hope.

  • tonashideska

    lets not forget the three other planes he crashed.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Hey, we’re almost done with eight years of a president who promised that government can’t make our lives better. And although he proved it by making our lives miserable, he only did it accidentally. John McCain is different — he’ll keep f*cking up our lives on purpose. John McCain: chains you can believe in.

  • WadISay

    Jeez, what an annoying VO. An American hero (American hero), he called a cunt a cunt (cunt a cunt) and boned trollops (trollops, trollops) from Brazil to the Beltway (way, way).

  • EnBuenOra

    You will want to feature this video on Wonkette, when a strongly Count Chocula-accented older lady started screaming at McCain to stop taxing her and get off her back:

    The most colorful part of the town hall meeting happened when McCain supporter Georgette Hattag let McCain know she doesn’t want to pay any higher taxes.

    “You tax us when we’re born. You tax us when we’re dead. You tax us when we eat. You tax us when we sleep. You tax us every which way. Get off of my back,” says Hattag.

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=31149]SayItWithWookies[/re]: LMAO

    John McCain: Haines you can believe in.

    John McCain: Pains you can believe in.

    John McCain: Canes you can believe in.

    I could do this all day, really. I had better stop at three.

  • Domestic Goddess

    Because he’s such a MAVERICK, McCain decided to veer away from Bush rhetoric and focus more on fear than hope.

  • PrairiePossum

    He’s letting us know that he will invade Iran and probably Pakistan.

    “If you think things look bad now, just wait ’til I’m elected. You won’t even be able to spell HOPE by the time my first term ends.”

  • Quacker

    John McCain – Hope you can forget about.

  • Sean O

    I love the astonishing ignorance of the DON’T TAX ME!! crowd. I have to believe they’re anti-street lights and fire departments as well.

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=31160]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: John McCain’s pants: Stains you can believe in.

  • Dave J.

    “Half a world away, another kind of love…”

    O RLY?

  • Mumble Softly

    How come the only blacks in this video are : 1 The bus driver of the McCain Straight Talk Express and the : 1 Pimp/Black Panther militant with large afro in the clip from the 1970’s? Is there a subtle message here I am missing ?

    (waits for angry black guy to respond)

  • NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=31170]SayItWithWookies[/re]: John McCain’s temples or legs: [Vericose] Veins you can believe in.

    A bit off topic, but… Hillary Clinton: Planes you can believe it.

  • I Am Not Your Gary Busey

    He should really play up the whole “Top Gun” schtick. That way he’ll be able to cull all teh gays that were for Hillary and just don’t think Hopey is enough of a top for them.
    John McCain: A TOP Gun you can believe in.

  • mookworthjwilson

    [re=31175]Mumble Softly[/re]: Not so subtle…the only good black man is the one that drives the bus…the others are terrorists.

  • WhatTheHeck

    Hippie love = Vietnam war.
    Barack Obama = Bus driver.
    Bus driver = back of the bus.

    I approve this message = Be afraid of black people.

  • sleepy

    funny how there’s no mention of the confession he signed upon being tortured.

  • madirishman

    “Don’t hope for a better life. Give up, shut up, and serve thy Republican masters FOREVER!America: Love it or leave it! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!”

  • Mumble Softly

    [re=31180]mookworthjwilson[/re]: Do you think when the black bus driver takes a break from driving he has to sit in the back (way back)?

  • uncletravelingmatt

    Wait, so Johnny Mac was shot down by an angry black bus driver?

  • uncletravelingmatt

    Oh, and from the old Soviet commercials “The SA-8: Range you can believe in.”

  • ForeignSickSpecialist

    From Wiki:

    The Maverick was designed to be inexpensive and and easily repaired. According to several insiders, the Maverick was originally slated to be either a full GOP replacement or the newest restyling of the GOP. The Maverick never replaced the GOP, but for one brief year, it was far more muscular than the beloved Grande Olde Party.

    The Maverick had several different models. Initially, only the standard was available. Early models lacked a true plan to save on costs.

    Some of the options had unusual names, such as Anti-Establish Mint, Hulla Blue, Original Cinnamon, Freudian Gilt, Thanks Vermillion, Black Jade, Champagne Gold, Gulfstream Aqua, Meadowlark Yellow, Brittany Blue, Lime Gold, Dresden Blue, Raven Black, Wimbledon White, and Candyapple Red.

    The muscle themed Grabber package included special graphics and trim, including a spoiler. A Sprint package was offered that had a special red, white, and blue job with a matching interior. The one year trim package was said to have been a patriotic theme for the 2008 Elections. Versions were given a stylized U.S. flag made into a badge decal on the rear quarter. The badge was very much in the vein of Olympic symbols, but without being too close, to avoid stepping on copyrights.
    Jumping gas prices and increasing demand for smaller cars resulting from the Arab Oil embargo did cause the Maverick to grow in popularity. The Maverick issued minor changes that included the replacement of Maverick nameplates with WALNUTS! nameplates.

    Alas, the Grabber was dropped, and a Black Stallion package was introduced. The Black Stallion option came with special trim. Production of the standard Maverick continued to drop, as the popularity of the Black Stallion significantly erased the relevance of the Maverick.

  • Servo

    If he’s in the cockpit or in the White House, the outcome is the same…..a big smoking hole in the ground.

  • columnv

    [re=31172]Dave J.[/re]: the love of blowing people the fuck up.

  • jimh

    This was like a one-minute Forrest Gump. It mostly reminded me that before I was born, John McCain was already old. At least they didn’t include the stuff where he wears a powdered wig, it’s so dated.

  • TGY

    So we have Hope and Anti-hope, like the Yin and the Yang, the Good and the Bad, Abbot and Costello. I can feel the psychic currents from here.

  • Mahousu

    John McCain: Because You Don’t Deserve Any Better, You Lazy Bunch Of Hippies.

  • Cathangover

    I love that verbal wink when the narrator first says “Hope”. It’s like Mike Myers threw this together.

  • sezme

    That tie he’s wearing in the last shot looks like it goes down past his crotch. Do they not make these in petite sizes?

  • sezme

    John McCain: “I believe I need to be changed. Nurse!”

  • ServiceJervixJuice

    You’ve gotta admire his honesty…if she’s a cunt he’ll call her a cunt.

  • Deepthroat

    “Note to viewers, John McCain can operate a cellular telephone” (or at least flip it up to his ear)

  • DirkLeisure

    [re=31169]Sean O[/re]: If God wants there to be light at night, he will use the glow of the eternal hellfires to do it, not some hippie liberal streetlight. And don’t get me started on firefighters…

  • Hooray For Anything

    Oh goody, another politician picks a fight over the 60’s. You can never get enough of that.

  • Mediahohoho

    I HOPE he has a stroke.

    See, I’m still relying on hope.

  • teebob2000

    Is that VO guy Powers Boothe or Steve Landesberg??

    Th-th-that’s not a n-n-narrator we can believe in!

  • teebob2000

    ‘Course, we all know he didn’t love his country until he was a POW…

  • Lolo

    [re=31172]Dave J.[/re]: That explains the illegitimate black child…

  • Serolf Divad

    Wow, the first 5 seconds of this video were like: “The sixties totally rocked!”

  • Borat

    my god this is getting tedious….is this the best he can offer us? He’s even worse than the baby boomers, harping on about some stupid decade and how great it was before we were born.

    Isn’t a sign of incompetence to (1) go to war (2) get shot down in war (3) get captured in war (4) not leave your captors when they let you go (5) talk forever about how this experience made you so smart.

  • somelegalbitch

    Wait, is that narrated by Powers Boothe? Hey does anyone remember when he beat those two kids to death on Deadwood? Good choice, McCain!

  • Fear of a Black Reagan

    [re=31195]Mumble Softly[/re]: The black bus driver *never* takes a break.

  • pointed1

    It’s no wonder he spent so long in Vietnam. They tried to get the truth out of him but he was incapable of telling the truth.