Violent Old FEMA Coot Wants To Be Famous!

  old coots

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like!

Koley has been leaving creepy voice mails for the Cedar Rapids Gazette‘s crime reporter, it seems. You must see how this genius’ mind works, jumping from entrepreneurial flourish to self-marketing master scheme and back in a nanosecond:

Two messages he left me yesterday morning, though…interesting. “Ran into somebody, laugh for the day, he said to me ‘Are you that famous FEMA inspector? You should be on the David Letterman show.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t like David Letterman. I want to be on the Jay Leno show.’ You may not think that’s funny but that’s my type of humor.”

“Any way you could do an article on me like a Barbara Walters interview? … Listen, I had a thought. If we just put it on the Internet and not in the local paper, we can explain what really happened, like what really happened from the horse’s mouth, some catchy title we can put on. We can charge for each hit, to pay for some of the damages I’m suffering.” It’s true, Koley did lose his job over the incident.

Since you people are probably too stupid to understand Vincent Koley on an intellectual hot streak, we’ll try our best to summarize: Gotta think like Leno in this kinda deal. Quick. Assault, battery, judge’ll throw the case out — no hard evidence, see? Then: fame. Gotta mold it, shape it, build it. Easily one of the top 10 most famous guys in Cedar Rapids. 10 cents per Internet click. 10 becomes 20. 30. 40. Goes viral. 80. 400. 2 million. 10 million cents.

 
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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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31 comments

  1. anabellum

    im waiting for the reality show…FEMA: The Dark Blight….

    perhaps Koley should consider trying to get a gig sponsoring golf clubs?…

  2. SayItWithWookies

    I said, ‘No, I don’t like David Letterman. I want to be on the Jay Leno show.’ You may not think that’s funny but that’s my type of humor.”

    Well, he’s right — that’s not funny, and Jay Leno would probably think it was.

  3. villageatrois

    He could write a non-confessional book, like, “if I did it, here’s how, and what I would have said to the broken, quivering, bleeding SOB….”

  4. Paultardville

    He might want to think about Edward Brooke before asking for the Barbara Walters Treatment.

  5. Guppy06

    Wait… FEMA actually fires people? And not just for showing competence?! Are you sure he didn’t say “spend time with my family?”

  6. shortsshortsshorts

    Is the end of the post some kind of poetic diatribe?

    Vince wakes up
    Boom he’s famous
    Hit people with car
    Look out Elvis

  7. JohnnyMac

    “Easily one of the top 10 most famous guys in Cedar Rapids.”

    But still nowhere near as famous as KCRG anchor Bruce Aune who apologized on-air for flushing the toilet while a water conservation order was in effect. A weekend of 24-hour flood sat-cov led to some really bizarre news analysis of the same video footage recycled every hour.

  8. wheelie

    “Hi, is that the newspaper? Listen, I have a terrific idea for a show. Work with me on this. It’s called Clubbing with Vincent Koley. Whaddaya think, huh?”

  9. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Koley was just doing his job: teaching the citizens of flood zones to get out of the way of fast-moving objects; be they walls of water or cars.

  10. Marcel Parcells

    “You may not think that’s funny but that’s my type of humor”
    Why do these people never realize that this is probably because they are not at all funny?

  11. villageatrois

    Who says I’m not ‘effin funny? I’m from FEMA, dammit. When I come back from getting something from the trunk, you’d better be laughing your water-logged punk butt off! — V.K.

  12. Dave J.

    [re=30724]Guppy06[/re]: Just to note, he wasn’t actually employed by FEMA, he was employed by a housing inspection company that contracted its services to FEMA, so they more than likely did the firing.

  13. Mahousu

    [re=30724]Guppy06[/re]: Don’t worry; it was Alltech (the contracting company) that fired him and not FEMA.

    But this just brings up the incredible stress these poor FEMA housing inspectors must be under. Check out this comment that was attached to the original Gazette article:

    WELL YOU ALL SOUND LIKE A BACKWOODS LINCHING PARTY..
    I HAVE READ ALL YOUR BLOGS AND YOU ARE BEING UNFAIR TO THOSE WHO ARE HERE TO HELP.
    [...] DON’T LET ONE SINGLE ACTION CAUSE YOU TO BE HOSTLE TO US. JUST LIKE THE ONE IOWAIAN THAT LIED AND CAME TO THE DOOR NAKED AND TRIED TO COMMIT FRAUD I DID’NT TAKE THAT ONE PERSON AND JUDGE ALL OF YOU ON THAT ONE PERSON
    YOU ARE COMMING ACROSS LIKE NEW ORLEANS (UNGREATFUL) I HAVE MET MANY OF IOWAIANS AND WAS PROUD OF YOU COMMUNITY SUPPORT UNTILL NOW… SHAME ON YOU..

    It goes on and on in this vein, but I think you get the point. Naked Iowaians? No wonder the inspectors have to carry golf clubs!

  14. uncletravelingmatt

    [re=30735]Marcel Parcells[/re]: No, this guy may be a fuckwit, but he is funny.

    “Tom Kramer is not what he’s cracked up to be.”

    Fucking hilarious.

  15. Borat

    I’m so glad to hear someone knows how your internets traditions works. He is forgetting to IPO his story though. If he makes 10 bazillion cents for people looking at his story, he can at least get a 100x multiple on IPOing his story. that means 1000 bazillion cents valuation of his story. Bill Gates got rich this way, but he is now giving all his money away to afrikaans.

  16. WIDTAP

    Oh my Gawd! Larry Sinclair’s long lost father has been found! We got to hook these two fellows up somehow.

  17. anabellum

    [re=30752]Dave J.[/re]: almost all of FEMAs work is contracted out…its a ‘shell agency’ designed as cover for profiteering in the wake of disaster…..

  18. Borat

    [re=30757]Mahousu[/re]: yeah we should hand out some more pre-paid credit cards to the viktims so they can buy some prada handbags in the mall, food be dammed.

    oops sorry, this is iowa. No prada and all food has been wasted by your corn into tracktor fuel. well, i heard north korea just negotiated some food from da bush. maybe you should all go there.

  19. DemmeFatale

    Great idea for a show!! “FIFTEEN MINUTES OF FAME” starring Vincent and Vincent.
    One hits pedestrians, while the other honks the horn.
    One chokes children, and the other beats disaster victims senseless with a golf club!

  20. liquiddaddy

    How ridiculous. What a dimwit. Everybody knows to use a nine iron when pummeling rubes, instead of a putter like this jerk.

  21. uncletravelingmatt

    [re=30784]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Depends on your club selection and follow through.

  22. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=30787]uncletravelingmatt[/re]: Then the coveted, fabled 1-iron should do the trick. While impossible on the course, it’s a sure hit against a big-headed government contractor.

  23. gurukalehuru

    Linching, hostle, Iowaians, Ungreatful, Comming, Untill

    …and in all caps. Somebody’s trying for a record.

    (p.s. we are Iowans, and we’ll answer the door naked if we want to)

  24. WIDTAP

    Imagine the poor Iowan who was all ready to surprise their sweetie at the door and was greeting by that puss.

Comments are closed.