Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like!
Koley has been leaving creepy voice mails for the Cedar Rapids Gazette‘s crime reporter, it seems. You must see how this genius’ mind works, jumping from entrepreneurial flourish to self-marketing master scheme and back in a nanosecond:
Two messages he left me yesterday morning, though…interesting. “Ran into somebody, laugh for the day, he said to me ‘Are you that famous FEMA inspector? You should be on the David Letterman show.’ I said, ‘No, I don’t like David Letterman. I want to be on the Jay Leno show.’ You may not think that’s funny but that’s my type of humor.”
“Any way you could do an article on me like a Barbara Walters interview? … Listen, I had a thought. If we just put it on the Internet and not in the local paper, we can explain what really happened, like what really happened from the horse’s mouth, some catchy title we can put on. We can charge for each hit, to pay for some of the damages I’m suffering.” It’s true, Koley did lose his job over the incident.
Since you people are probably too stupid to understand Vincent Koley on an intellectual hot streak, we’ll try our best to summarize: Gotta think like Leno in this kinda deal. Quick. Assault, battery, judge’ll throw the case out — no hard evidence, see? Then: fame. Gotta mold it, shape it, build it. Easily one of the top 10 most famous guys in Cedar Rapids. 10 cents per Internet click. 10 becomes 20. 30. 40. Goes viral. 80. 400. 2 million. 10 million cents.
Cedar Rapids –> FEMA –> George Bush –> Babs Walters –> The Loot.
Cement footprints on that sidewalk in Hollywood. Loose women, different one each night.
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