• May 26, 2012

Obama Hijacks His Own Plane, Forces It To Land, NEVER FORGET

by Jim Newell  3:17 pm July 7, 2008

He’s got most of the money remaining in the U.S. economy, and yet. Barack Obama’s plane, a rickety old hackjob called an “MD-80 Midwest charter,” was going to crash into a World Trade Center today en route from Chicago to Charlotte — it was just that broken! Alas, his terrible pilots were forced to make an emergency landing in Missouri. Hey, Missouri… that’s one of those whatchamacallits… border states… slave states… oh that’s right, it’s a swing state. What a fortuitous terrorist crash landing!

Reporters — always keen on the details of life — knew that all was not safe on the good Sky Ship Obama. They “felt the plane dip briefly, causing a stomach-rolling sensation as if being in a roller coaster, but the unexpected movement did not cause visible alarm for the frequent fliers on the plane.” In other words, the writer of this AP article is many things, but not a pussy.

But they really were going to die! The pilot eventually spoke to the crew to tell them about this uh, you know, minor little technical glitch, no biggie, in which HE HAD LOST ALL CONTROL OVER STEERING THE PLANE:

“We detected a little bit of controllability issue in terms of our ability to control the aircraft in the pitch, which is the nose up and nose down mode,” announced the pilot, whose name was not released in accordance with Midwest policy.

“The autopilot and the aircraft are just fine. As we descended, whatever was inhibiting our ability has now been rectified. However, just for safety purposes we are going to be stopping in St. Louis and making sure that there’s nothing binding our controls. We have full authority of the aircraft. We will not need to brace. It will be a normal landing,” he said.

Hoping to calm the passengers he’d flip-floppingly lured onto his broken-ass air jalopy, Barack Obama said to the press, “I just thought we’d spice things up a little bit today,” while “smiling and joking.” HARDY HAR HAR. Then again, you can’t say he ever cared about human lives in the first place.

Obama’s plane lands in St. Louis for maintenance [AP]

{ 42 comments }

Serolf Divad July 7, 2008 at 3:19 pm

Wow… so we were “this close” to president Hillary?!

tunamelt July 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm

[re=30540]Serolf Divad[/re]: Obviously she was behind this.

Larry Fine July 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm

Will Obama put his barf-bag on e-Bay?

AngryBlakGuy July 7, 2008 at 3:21 pm

…I don’t know why they were freaking out? All Barry had to do was summon angels to carry the plane down to the runway!

Lolo July 7, 2008 at 3:22 pm

I thought his assassination was supposed to take place in mid-June. Guess Hillary wanted to collect his $4600 before doing the deed.

Lolo July 7, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Thank God Mile Highers weren’t on board. That could have been one hell of a trip…Everyone knows they support McCain.

EnBuenOra July 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm

Is it really so important to control whether the airplane’s nose is pointing up or down? How pampered are we these days?

AngryBlakGuy July 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm

…why don’t we just stop with the formalities and let him fly in Air Force One already?! Meanwhile “W” can fly around in one of those DC-9′s that were prone to having their oxygen canister spontaneously ignite!!!

Lazy Media July 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm

Jesus Christ, Mark Penn! Can’t you get anything right, you incompetent fat fuck? It’s lefty LOOSEY.

Snookums July 7, 2008 at 3:26 pm

Hillary’s Twilight Zone technology gremlins are slacking. Or maybe they’re just waiting for a thunderstorm to make it look like an accident.

EnBuenOra July 7, 2008 at 3:26 pm

[re=30547]Lolo[/re]: Holy sh*t. I guess this proves that “anything can happen” in these long, long, long primary seasons.

anabellum July 7, 2008 at 3:27 pm

im very taken with the phrase…”nose up and nose down mode”…

WadISay July 7, 2008 at 3:27 pm

He’s down in St. Louis. Somebody send Snake Pleskin and Adrianne Barbeau to rescue our Barry.

Canuckledragger July 7, 2008 at 3:33 pm

Missouri – Mis’ry for short – is known as a “flyover” state for a reason. You know, you’re supposed to, like, fly over it.

But flip-floppin’, secret-Muslim, elitist, abortionistical, FISA-lovin’, NAFTA-promotin’, whitey-hatin’ crypto-terrist Hopey O. can’t even do that right!

What’s wrong, Barry? Too gutless to skyjack it all the way to Cuba, where they’d love your nomination-stealin’, coup d’etatin’, free-ballin’ B-ballin’ stylee?

Just one more thing for the Jizzballers to rant about.

[Speaking of which, I do so miss the drive by poll-dumps from Laura Ingalls Wildest, each purporting to show how much better Hillaryous would do against McCain if'n she didn't have to, you know, beat some uppity Negroid Senate guy first. Why hast Laura foresaken us? Is she bitter about something?]

AxmxZ July 7, 2008 at 3:34 pm

And thus is the prophecy of Elijah returning in a burning sky-chariot *almost* fulfilled.

anabellum July 7, 2008 at 3:34 pm

im also thinking, “We have full authority of the aircraft. We will not need to brace.” is pretty special…

perhaps i need to start hanging out with pilots?…

ManchuCandidate July 7, 2008 at 3:34 pm

Why the hell was John McCain flying Barry’s plane?

shortsshortsshorts July 7, 2008 at 3:44 pm

[re=30568]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You just can’t keep that guy away from the Hanoi Hilton!

Borat July 7, 2008 at 3:45 pm

I hope Obama saw John Mills at the CBS affilliate in St. Louis. That guy can kick some ass.

Yeah the AP reporter is a pussy. I lit one up (a GOOD one up) with an Air India pilot once (during the flight in bathroom) and he landed just fine and that was a tupolev or antonov or something none of these elitist MD 80s

Borat July 7, 2008 at 3:50 pm

isn’t st louis one of dose places wit lots of duck tape in case the terrists attact dem wit da kemical weapons?

Guppy06 July 7, 2008 at 3:50 pm

[re=30540]Serolf Divad[/re]: She was on the airplane wing, and the only one that saw her was William Shatner, who bravely fought her off.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 July 7, 2008 at 3:53 pm

Fuck Missouri – goddamn slavers.

And no wonder the press loves Obama – they’re flying Midwest and they love the fresh-baked cookies.

Advocatus_Diaboli July 7, 2008 at 3:55 pm

I’d prefer crashing over landing in Missouri.

AxmxZ July 7, 2008 at 3:56 pm

[re=30586]Borat[/re]: Props on the Cheburashka avatar. (Or is it Che-barashka?)

SayItWithWookies July 7, 2008 at 3:57 pm

Too bad it landed without incident. If Barry had crashed a plane, he would’ve been just as qualified as John McCain to be president.

jagorev July 7, 2008 at 4:11 pm

the writer of this AP article is many things, but not a pussy.

This is comedy gold.

memphisheel July 7, 2008 at 4:14 pm

Well, glad he’s safe, nothing to worry about or ponder any further, resume your everyday lives… *cough*well*cough*stone*cough*

anabellum July 7, 2008 at 4:16 pm

[re=30608]SayItWithWookies[/re]: perfect…you win hon…

gjdodger July 7, 2008 at 4:20 pm

Barry was being beckoned by Mel Carnahan. Come…join me…oh, and keep your hands off my wife!

Canmon (the Inadequate) July 7, 2008 at 4:22 pm

Hillary Clinton would like to remind superdelegtes that JFK Jr. died in a plane crash. In July.

jagorev July 7, 2008 at 4:23 pm

[re=30608]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Pfft. To match John McCain’s leadership skillz, he would first have to set fire to an entire carrier wing of aircraft, killing hundreds of sailors and causing untold millions in damages.

SayItWithWookies July 7, 2008 at 4:35 pm

[re=30632]anabellum[/re]: Thanks. Hey, where’d you get those pants?

Truculent July 7, 2008 at 4:50 pm

“Miss, are you sure you’re telling us everything?”

“(long pause) We’re also out of coffee.”

(Passengers scream and panic)

TGY July 7, 2008 at 4:57 pm

“I guess I picked the wrong day to stop doing blow.”
-Airplane, paraphrased

Servo July 7, 2008 at 5:08 pm

Attention Democrats! It doesn’t look good when you spend money like drunken sailors for your glorified Shriners’ Convention, but cut costs buy chartering essentially a Pontiac Grand Am with wings for your future leader. Just FYI.

KevoTron July 7, 2008 at 5:55 pm

Thank you to Seattle’s own Sir Mix-a-Lot:

My hooptie rollin’, tailpipe draggin’
Heat don’t work an’ my girl keeps naggin’
Six-nine Buick, deuce keeps rollin’
One hubcap ’cause three got stolen
Bumper shook loose, chrome keeps scrapin’
Mis-matched tires, and my white walls flakin’
Hit mickey-d’s, Maharaji starts to bug
He ate a quarter-pounder, threw the pickles on my rug
Runnin’, movin’ tabs expired
Girlies tryin’ to dis ‘n say my car looks tired
Hit my brakes, out slid skittles
Tinted back window with a bubble in the middle
Who’s car is it? Posse won’t say
We all play it off when you look our way
Rollin’ four deep, tires smoke up the block
Gotta roll this bucket, ’cause my Benz is in the shop

My hooptie – my hooptie

warreno July 7, 2008 at 5:56 pm

“The autopilot and the aircraft are just fine.”

Well thank God for that. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve heard about air disasters totaling up body counts here, property damage there, psychological impact on survivors and families, bla bla bla … but no one ever thinks of the poor helpless autopilots, do they?

Lascauxcaveman July 7, 2008 at 7:24 pm

As a former employee of Alaska Air, I will say: please please please inspect/lubricate/retrofit the elevator jackscrew on the old MD-80 clunker.

*Please*

FreshCliches July 7, 2008 at 8:31 pm

Midwest Airlines: Headquartered in Milwaukee.
Zucker, Abrahams, Zucker: Born in Milwaukee.

Coincidence? DO YOUR RESEARCH, MORANS!!!!1!!!1!!

WonkaBee July 7, 2008 at 8:57 pm

[re=30854]FreshCliches[/re]: I thought these were more Sir Mix-a-lot lyrics…

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2008 at 10:30 pm

All right, now that both McCain and Obama have been forced out of the sky, and Obama got the worse of it and ended up in Missouri, can’t we just call it even and go back to voting for McCain because he is not a secret Muslim?

Paradise July 8, 2008 at 12:11 am

[re=30559]WadISay[/re]: why do we have to use guns? can’t we just use matthew mcconaughey’s dialogue to kill everyone?

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