Wonkette
He’s got most of the money remaining in the U.S. economy, and yet. Barack Obama’s plane, a rickety old hackjob called an “MD-80 Midwest charter,” was going to crash into a World Trade Center today en route from Chicago to Charlotte — it was just that broken! Alas, his terrible pilots were forced to make an emergency landing in Missouri. Hey, Missouri… that’s one of those whatchamacallits… border states… slave states… oh that’s right, it’s a swing state. What a fortuitous terrorist crash landing!
Reporters — always keen on the details of life — knew that all was not safe on the good Sky Ship Obama. They “felt the plane dip briefly, causing a stomach-rolling sensation as if being in a roller coaster, but the unexpected movement did not cause visible alarm for the frequent fliers on the plane.” In other words, the writer of this AP article is many things, but not a pussy.
But they really were going to die! The pilot eventually spoke to the crew to tell them about this uh, you know, minor little technical glitch, no biggie, in which HE HAD LOST ALL CONTROL OVER STEERING THE PLANE:
“We detected a little bit of controllability issue in terms of our ability to control the aircraft in the pitch, which is the nose up and nose down mode,” announced the pilot, whose name was not released in accordance with Midwest policy.
“The autopilot and the aircraft are just fine. As we descended, whatever was inhibiting our ability has now been rectified. However, just for safety purposes we are going to be stopping in St. Louis and making sure that there’s nothing binding our controls. We have full authority of the aircraft. We will not need to brace. It will be a normal landing,” he said.
Hoping to calm the passengers he’d flip-floppingly lured onto his broken-ass air jalopy, Barack Obama said to the press, “I just thought we’d spice things up a little bit today,” while “smiling and joking.” HARDY HAR HAR. Then again, you can’t say he ever cared about human lives in the first place.
Wow… so we were “this close” to president Hillary?!
Serolf Divad: Obviously she was behind this.
Will Obama put his barf-bag on e-Bay?
…I don’t know why they were freaking out? All Barry had to do was summon angels to carry the plane down to the runway!
I thought his assassination was supposed to take place in mid-June. Guess Hillary wanted to collect his $4600 before doing the deed.
Thank God Mile Highers weren’t on board. That could have been one hell of a trip…Everyone knows they support McCain.
Is it really so important to control whether the airplane’s nose is pointing up or down? How pampered are we these days?
…why don’t we just stop with the formalities and let him fly in Air Force One already?! Meanwhile “W” can fly around in one of those DC-9’s that were prone to having their oxygen canister spontaneously ignite!!!
Jesus Christ, Mark Penn! Can’t you get anything right, you incompetent fat fuck? It’s lefty LOOSEY.
Hillary’s Twilight Zone technology gremlins are slacking. Or maybe they’re just waiting for a thunderstorm to make it look like an accident.
Lolo: Holy sh*t. I guess this proves that “anything can happen” in these long, long, long primary seasons.
im very taken with the phrase…”nose up and nose down mode”…
He’s down in St. Louis. Somebody send Snake Pleskin and Adrianne Barbeau to rescue our Barry.
Missouri - Mis’ry for short - is known as a “flyover” state for a reason. You know, you’re supposed to, like, fly over it.
But flip-floppin’, secret-Muslim, elitist, abortionistical, FISA-lovin’, NAFTA-promotin’, whitey-hatin’ crypto-terrist Hopey O. can’t even do that right!
What’s wrong, Barry? Too gutless to skyjack it all the way to Cuba, where they’d love your nomination-stealin’, coup d’etatin’, free-ballin’ B-ballin’ stylee?
Just one more thing for the Jizzballers to rant about.
[Speaking of which, I do so miss the drive by poll-dumps from Laura Ingalls Wildest, each purporting to show how much better Hillaryous would do against McCain if'n she didn't have to, you know, beat some uppity Negroid Senate guy first. Why hast Laura foresaken us? Is she bitter about something?]
And thus is the prophecy of Elijah returning in a burning sky-chariot *almost* fulfilled.
im also thinking, “We have full authority of the aircraft. We will not need to brace.” is pretty special…
perhaps i need to start hanging out with pilots?…
Why the hell was John McCain flying Barry’s plane?
ManchuCandidate: You just can’t keep that guy away from the Hanoi Hilton!
I hope Obama saw John Mills at the CBS affilliate in St. Louis. That guy can kick some ass.
Yeah the AP reporter is a pussy. I lit one up (a GOOD one up) with an Air India pilot once (during the flight in bathroom) and he landed just fine and that was a tupolev or antonov or something none of these elitist MD 80s
isn’t st louis one of dose places wit lots of duck tape in case the terrists attact dem wit da kemical weapons?
Serolf Divad: She was on the airplane wing, and the only one that saw her was William Shatner, who bravely fought her off.
Fuck Missouri - goddamn slavers.
And no wonder the press loves Obama - they’re flying Midwest and they love the fresh-baked cookies.
I’d prefer crashing over landing in Missouri.
Borat: Props on the Cheburashka avatar. (Or is it Che-barashka?)
Too bad it landed without incident. If Barry had crashed a plane, he would’ve been just as qualified as John McCain to be president.
the writer of this AP article is many things, but not a pussy.
This is comedy gold.
Well, glad he’s safe, nothing to worry about or ponder any further, resume your everyday lives… *cough*well*cough*stone*cough*
SayItWithWookies: perfect…you win hon…
Barry was being beckoned by Mel Carnahan. Come…join me…oh, and keep your hands off my wife!
Hillary Clinton would like to remind superdelegtes that JFK Jr. died in a plane crash. In July.
SayItWithWookies: Pfft. To match John McCain’s leadership skillz, he would first have to set fire to an entire carrier wing of aircraft, killing hundreds of sailors and causing untold millions in damages.
anabellum: Thanks. Hey, where’d you get those pants?
“Miss, are you sure you’re telling us everything?”
“(long pause) We’re also out of coffee.”
(Passengers scream and panic)
“I guess I picked the wrong day to stop doing blow.”
-Airplane, paraphrased
Attention Democrats! It doesn’t look good when you spend money like drunken sailors for your glorified Shriners’ Convention, but cut costs buy chartering essentially a Pontiac Grand Am with wings for your future leader. Just FYI.
Thank you to Seattle’s own Sir Mix-a-Lot:
My hooptie rollin’, tailpipe draggin’
Heat don’t work an’ my girl keeps naggin’
Six-nine Buick, deuce keeps rollin’
One hubcap ’cause three got stolen
Bumper shook loose, chrome keeps scrapin’
Mis-matched tires, and my white walls flakin’
Hit mickey-d’s, Maharaji starts to bug
He ate a quarter-pounder, threw the pickles on my rug
Runnin’, movin’ tabs expired
Girlies tryin’ to dis ‘n say my car looks tired
Hit my brakes, out slid skittles
Tinted back window with a bubble in the middle
Who’s car is it? Posse won’t say
We all play it off when you look our way
Rollin’ four deep, tires smoke up the block
Gotta roll this bucket, ’cause my Benz is in the shop
My hooptie - my hooptie
“The autopilot and the aircraft are just fine.”
Well thank God for that. I can’t begin to count the number of times I’ve heard about air disasters totaling up body counts here, property damage there, psychological impact on survivors and families, bla bla bla … but no one ever thinks of the poor helpless autopilots, do they?
As a former employee of Alaska Air, I will say: please please please inspect/lubricate/retrofit the elevator jackscrew on the old MD-80 clunker.
*Please*
Midwest Airlines: Headquartered in Milwaukee.
Zucker, Abrahams, Zucker: Born in Milwaukee.
Coincidence? DO YOUR RESEARCH, MORANS!!!!1!!!1!!
FreshCliches: I thought these were more Sir Mix-a-lot lyrics…
All right, now that both McCain and Obama have been forced out of the sky, and Obama got the worse of it and ended up in Missouri, can’t we just call it even and go back to voting for McCain because he is not a secret Muslim?
WadISay: why do we have to use guns? can’t we just use matthew mcconaughey’s dialogue to kill everyone?