Obama To Give Convention Speech In America’s Most Hated Location: Outdoors

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The Obama campaign has sent its latest self-important “Big Announcement” email, and it’s funny! He will not be giving his empty-rhetoric convention speech in some smoky back room with George Soros and Scrooge McDuck as his only audience, which is customary. He will hold it outdoors, for everyone to attend, but only if they turn off their Xboxes first: “Barack will leave the convention hall and join more than 75,000 people for a huge, free, open-air event where he will deliver his acceptance speech to the American people.” But what if it rained on his parade, as they say? Or what if no one showed up, since the speech will be on the teevee and no one gives a shit anyway? Answer: book the Decemberists. Oh and also, if you give this clown more money he might let you, uh, watch him speak from a decent vantage point or what have you. [Barack Obama]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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48 comments

  1. shortsshortsshorts

    With any luck he will CHANGE his rhetoric for a little while before not debating WALNUTS.

  2. AngryBlakGuy

    …75,000 people + Open Stadium + 1st Black Candidate for Pres. = 5 inch thick plexi-glass shielding!

  3. Advocatus_Diaboli

    Alright, I’ll go …. but only if they serve red, white and blue tofu hope burgers (TM).

  4. jagorev

    First he was scheduled to give it indoors, now he’s doing it outdoors. Sounds like another terrorist flip-flop from NOOBAMA. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

  5. SuperRounder

    [re=30486]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I’m hoping they get a Obamobile, which of course will have 22′s.

  6. NoWireHangers

    [re=30489]tunamelt[/re]: Barack speaks on Thursday night and Southwest airlines has cheap flights from LA to Denver (and other cities) when you fly on a Wednesday. I’m looking into this. It’ll be historic, and not in the Chicago 1968 sense either.

  7. WadISay

    Right wing description of “outdoors” as “Nurnberg-style” coming in 5…4…3…

  8. SayItWithWookies

    “…And while we wait for the nominee to arrive, please direct your attention to Stage 2, where Jeremiah Wright is going to attempt to break the record for open-air abortions performed in a one-hour period. Brought to you by Shop-Vac.”

  9. tunamelt

    [re=30495]NoWireHangers[/re]: In all seriousness, me too. That’s a really great idea.

  10. freakishlystrong

    [re=30498]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well Played! I hope there’s no “grassy knolls” there…

  11. ForTheTurnstiles

    [re=30493]SuperRounder[/re]: I learned some important things in my youth about firearms, most of them from Easy-E. Consider what happens when the silly motherfucker pulls out a deuce-deuce.

  12. Snarxon'

    Barry gives a new meaning to the term ‘nose-bleed seats’. Think it’ll snow?

  13. AxmxZ

    …Damn, I can’t believe I’m actually thinking of getting tickets to a freaking political event!

    DAMN YOU BARRY!!!

  14. Fata Morgana

    [re=30492]jagorev[/re]:

    Oh, wait I just got that: NOOB-Ama. NOOB-Ama. Like N00B.

    Is that what all the mouth-breathers are calling him? Very hep.

  15. ronaldpagan

    If you give him $5 you might get a backstage pass, y’all. I’m going, so I hope the fucking Decemberists aren’t there. Nas, maybe?

  16. AngryBlakGuy

    …if you have sex at “Mile High Stadium” can you say you are part of the “Mile High Club”?

  17. Truculent

    [re=30486]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Somewhere, a lot of Secret Service guys are having the Big One. Jeebus, talk about taking chances. Next, he’ll be riding through town in an open Lincoln Continental remarking about how welcoming the local citizenry is.

  18. Guppy06

    Outdoors is the only place they’re allowed to serve funnel cake, Boardwalk Fries and other heart-cloggers. He’s speaking outside in order to connect to the bitters.

  19. Lazy Media

    [re=30529]Truculent[/re]: What’s so scary about him doing a speech at a football stadium? It’s just a bigger building without a roof; everybody who comes in is going to be cavity-searched. The SS will put their own snipers on everything overlooking it, assuming anything does.

    Actually attending the speech is for loosers, tho; the real hep cats will tailgate outside and watch it on the satellite teevee. Barry + beer + brats = win!

  20. Hooray For Anything

    Screw the Decemberists, he should turn it into one of those Monster Of Rock Music Festivals, like they had in the old days. He should have Van Halen, Journey and Metallica (it’ll help with the vaunted white, male, white trash demographic he apparently has trouble with). Nothing like a bunch of drunken dudes in mullets who’ve been drinking all day to feel the Hope.

  21. vicuna

    As a Coloradan, I can assure you that Denver is not risky, like Dallas. The Columbine guys are no longer a threat.

    Seriously, great idea. Walnuts! can’t fill a football stadium.

  22. PrairiePossum

    Instead of playing bland patriotic numbers, they can fire-up the crowd with “Whoomp (There It Is)” and “We Will Rock You.” When he makes his speech, a herd of Obama girl cheerleaders in super short skirts and tight shirts can jump up and down and spell “H – O – P – E!”

  23. Supernatural_Delegate

    This is all working into the plans of the global oligarchy that is hell-bent on enslaving the citizens of the world and ushering in a New World Order. During the convention they will operate from their secret underground base in D.I.A.

    http://www.anomalies-unlimited.com/Denver_Airport.html

    Yup, apparently Denver international (AKA “Dog Tits”) is the future staging ground of a mass enslavement of all of us Lemmings who don’t see obvious cover-up that the president is a lizard person.

  24. Truculent

    [re=30546]Lazy Media[/re]: True that. But having spent a whole lot of time around those folks, they really hate to drag all those people and all that artillery into poisition so some guy can yack for a few minutes. Imagine spending a few cozy hours on your belly in body armor lying on a steel beam in the rafters of the stadium. As birds crap on you, you try to keep pidgeon shit off your heavy sniper rifle while praying feverishly that you won’t be the one to fuck up, to miss the guy with the CAT hat and the deer rifle crawling out of the back of the scoreboard, about to save Amerika from havin’ a damn nigra in the White House.

  25. bitchincamaro

    Black-Eyed Peas, Andre 3000, and for the boomers–The Crazy World of Arthur Brown!

  26. Borat

    open air. that’s good with me. spark it up + i suspect no open container laws that night.

    if this were the mcccccainiac convention, that’s where the SS I mean Sekret Service would get nervous. spark it up + pure oxygen = kaboom. tell homeland sekuritat to keep that off the aerodynamic planes

  27. FreshCliches

    I SO want Barry to ride into Invesco on the Broncos mascot white horse…..with a horn sticking out of his head.

    The horse’s, that is. We already know that the Muslim SonuvaLuoTribesman is Satan incarnate. I have the emails to prove it.

  28. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Remember, this is at altitude, so it is the equivalent to speaking to 150,000 at sea level.

    [re=30521]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Depends on what you are smoking.

Comments are closed.