NEWEST POLITICS EVER  2:26 pm July 7, 2008

Obama To Give Convention Speech In America’s Most Hated Location: Outdoors

by Jim Newell

The Obama campaign has sent its latest self-important “Big Announcement” email, and it’s funny! He will not be giving his empty-rhetoric convention speech in some smoky back room with George Soros and Scrooge McDuck as his only audience, which is customary. He will hold it outdoors, for everyone to attend, but only if they turn off their Xboxes first: “Barack will leave the convention hall and join more than 75,000 people for a huge, free, open-air event where he will deliver his acceptance speech to the American people.” But what if it rained on his parade, as they say? Or what if no one showed up, since the speech will be on the teevee and no one gives a shit anyway? Answer: book the Decemberists. Oh and also, if you give this clown more money he might let you, uh, watch him speak from a decent vantage point or what have you. [Barack Obama]

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NoWireHangers July 7, 2008 at 2:32 pm

Field trip!

shortsshortsshorts July 7, 2008 at 2:33 pm

With any luck he will CHANGE his rhetoric for a little while before not debating WALNUTS.

Lazy Media July 7, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Does it rain in Denver in August? No, wait, don’t tell me; I don’t care.

AngryBlakGuy July 7, 2008 at 2:35 pm

…75,000 people + Open Stadium + 1st Black Candidate for Pres. = 5 inch thick plexi-glass shielding!

Advocatus_Diaboli July 7, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Alright, I’ll go …. but only if they serve red, white and blue tofu hope burgers (TM).

tunamelt July 7, 2008 at 2:36 pm

[re=30478]NoWireHangers[/re]: Warm up the bus!

SuperRounder July 7, 2008 at 2:36 pm

If he does it in an Elway jersey, he’ll be in like Flint.

Canuckledragger July 7, 2008 at 2:36 pm

As long as nobody decides to “vote from the rooftops.”

jagorev July 7, 2008 at 2:37 pm

First he was scheduled to give it indoors, now he’s doing it outdoors. Sounds like another terrorist flip-flop from NOOBAMA. WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!!!!!!

SuperRounder July 7, 2008 at 2:38 pm

[re=30486]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: I’m hoping they get a Obamobile, which of course will have 22′s.

NoWireHangers July 7, 2008 at 2:39 pm

[re=30489]tunamelt[/re]: Barack speaks on Thursday night and Southwest airlines has cheap flights from LA to Denver (and other cities) when you fly on a Wednesday. I’m looking into this. It’ll be historic, and not in the Chicago 1968 sense either.

WadISay July 7, 2008 at 2:40 pm

Right wing description of “outdoors” as “Nurnberg-style” coming in 5…4…3…

SayItWithWookies July 7, 2008 at 2:43 pm

“…And while we wait for the nominee to arrive, please direct your attention to Stage 2, where Jeremiah Wright is going to attempt to break the record for open-air abortions performed in a one-hour period. Brought to you by Shop-Vac.”

tunamelt July 7, 2008 at 2:45 pm

[re=30495]NoWireHangers[/re]: In all seriousness, me too. That’s a really great idea.

Larry Fine July 7, 2008 at 2:46 pm

Close all the book depositories in Denver please.

freakishlystrong July 7, 2008 at 2:46 pm

[re=30498]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Well Played! I hope there’s no “grassy knolls” there…

El Bombastico July 7, 2008 at 2:48 pm

Shit, for a 75,000 venue, he might need Vampire Weekend.

ForTheTurnstiles July 7, 2008 at 2:49 pm

[re=30493]SuperRounder[/re]: I learned some important things in my youth about firearms, most of them from Easy-E. Consider what happens when the silly motherfucker pulls out a deuce-deuce.

ForTheTurnstiles July 7, 2008 at 2:50 pm

[re=30495]NoWireHangers[/re]: Check Frontier as well.

Snarxon' July 7, 2008 at 2:51 pm

Barry gives a new meaning to the term ‘nose-bleed seats’. Think it’ll snow?

tunamelt July 7, 2008 at 2:57 pm

[re=30498]SayItWithWookies[/re]: But where would you sleep?

AxmxZ July 7, 2008 at 2:59 pm

…Damn, I can’t believe I’m actually thinking of getting tickets to a freaking political event!


Fata Morgana July 7, 2008 at 2:59 pm


Oh, wait I just got that: NOOB-Ama. NOOB-Ama. Like N00B.

Is that what all the mouth-breathers are calling him? Very hep.

ronaldpagan July 7, 2008 at 3:02 pm

If you give him $5 you might get a backstage pass, y’all. I’m going, so I hope the fucking Decemberists aren’t there. Nas, maybe?

AngryBlakGuy July 7, 2008 at 3:02 pm

…if you have sex at “Mile High Stadium” can you say you are part of the “Mile High Club”?

tunamelt July 7, 2008 at 3:03 pm

[re=30515]AxmxZ[/re]: Yeah, no kidding.

shortsshortsshorts July 7, 2008 at 3:06 pm

Will Code Pink be there to fuck it all up?

Snarxon' July 7, 2008 at 3:08 pm

AngryBlakGuy: Only if you get high first.

Truculent July 7, 2008 at 3:10 pm

[re=30486]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Somewhere, a lot of Secret Service guys are having the Big One. Jeebus, talk about taking chances. Next, he’ll be riding through town in an open Lincoln Continental remarking about how welcoming the local citizenry is.

Guppy06 July 7, 2008 at 3:10 pm

Outdoors is the only place they’re allowed to serve funnel cake, Boardwalk Fries and other heart-cloggers. He’s speaking outside in order to connect to the bitters.

Larry Fine July 7, 2008 at 3:12 pm

[re=30521]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: you need a partner to make it official.

Lazy Media July 7, 2008 at 3:22 pm

[re=30529]Truculent[/re]: What’s so scary about him doing a speech at a football stadium? It’s just a bigger building without a roof; everybody who comes in is going to be cavity-searched. The SS will put their own snipers on everything overlooking it, assuming anything does.

Actually attending the speech is for loosers, tho; the real hep cats will tailgate outside and watch it on the satellite teevee. Barry + beer + brats = win!

Lazy Media July 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm

[re=30524]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Is the Pope a Nazi?

obfuscator July 7, 2008 at 3:23 pm


I’d prefer Earth, Wind, & Fire.

Hooray For Anything July 7, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Screw the Decemberists, he should turn it into one of those Monster Of Rock Music Festivals, like they had in the old days. He should have Van Halen, Journey and Metallica (it’ll help with the vaunted white, male, white trash demographic he apparently has trouble with). Nothing like a bunch of drunken dudes in mullets who’ve been drinking all day to feel the Hope.

vicuna July 7, 2008 at 3:25 pm

As a Coloradan, I can assure you that Denver is not risky, like Dallas. The Columbine guys are no longer a threat.

Seriously, great idea. Walnuts! can’t fill a football stadium.

PrairiePossum July 7, 2008 at 3:28 pm

Instead of playing bland patriotic numbers, they can fire-up the crowd with “Whoomp (There It Is)” and “We Will Rock You.” When he makes his speech, a herd of Obama girl cheerleaders in super short skirts and tight shirts can jump up and down and spell “H – O – P – E!”

Supernatural_Delegate July 7, 2008 at 3:45 pm

This is all working into the plans of the global oligarchy that is hell-bent on enslaving the citizens of the world and ushering in a New World Order. During the convention they will operate from their secret underground base in D.I.A.

Yup, apparently Denver international (AKA “Dog Tits”) is the future staging ground of a mass enslavement of all of us Lemmings who don’t see obvious cover-up that the president is a lizard person.

myklwain July 7, 2008 at 3:47 pm

John McCain needs a hug… Now.

wx insider July 7, 2008 at 3:48 pm

“XBOXES”? You mean “boom boxes”

Maus July 7, 2008 at 4:02 pm

[re=30491]Canuckledragger[/re]: This is the DNC, not the Ron Paul Revolution.

Truculent July 7, 2008 at 4:56 pm

[re=30546]Lazy Media[/re]: True that. But having spent a whole lot of time around those folks, they really hate to drag all those people and all that artillery into poisition so some guy can yack for a few minutes. Imagine spending a few cozy hours on your belly in body armor lying on a steel beam in the rafters of the stadium. As birds crap on you, you try to keep pidgeon shit off your heavy sniper rifle while praying feverishly that you won’t be the one to fuck up, to miss the guy with the CAT hat and the deer rifle crawling out of the back of the scoreboard, about to save Amerika from havin’ a damn nigra in the White House.

bitchincamaro July 7, 2008 at 4:58 pm

Black-Eyed Peas, Andre 3000, and for the boomers–The Crazy World of Arthur Brown!

Borat July 7, 2008 at 5:06 pm

open air. that’s good with me. spark it up + i suspect no open container laws that night.

if this were the mcccccainiac convention, that’s where the SS I mean Sekret Service would get nervous. spark it up + pure oxygen = kaboom. tell homeland sekuritat to keep that off the aerodynamic planes

columnv July 7, 2008 at 5:56 pm

[re=30491]Canuckledragger[/re]: shudder….

Scarab July 7, 2008 at 6:10 pm

Six Flags Celebration Stage:

Puppet Show and John McCain

FreshCliches July 7, 2008 at 8:11 pm

I SO want Barry to ride into Invesco on the Broncos mascot white horse…..with a horn sticking out of his head.

The horse’s, that is. We already know that the Muslim SonuvaLuoTribesman is Satan incarnate. I have the emails to prove it.

Lionel Hutz Esq. July 7, 2008 at 10:35 pm

Remember, this is at altitude, so it is the equivalent to speaking to 150,000 at sea level.

[re=30521]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Depends on what you are smoking.

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