scandals

Did Jesse Helms Die On the Unpatriotic THIRD of July?

The Devil Will See You Now.As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3!

Sure, you’re an elitist communist and you’re thinking, “Who could possibly give a shit when Jesse Helms died, except that he should’ve died forty or fifty years ago, when it might’ve made a difference?”

Well, the kind of ignorant white trash who just love Jesse Helms are not having a real good time of things right now. They are poorer than ever, deeper in debt, their jobs were long ago shipped off to China, and they can’t even afford a gallon of gasoline so they can ride their quad in circles around their shack, which is their main recreation after watching NASCAR and eating sixty-packs of Hot Cheetos. Also, a nigra is about to be president!

As we learned this weekend, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams and Jesus all died on the Fourth of July, proving their Super Patriotism. If Jesse Helms also died on July 4, that would give special comfort to the bitters, while also making slavery retroactively legal again. But this is what we’re hearing from our southern operatives:

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“It appears that the little shit, Helms, might actually have died at 10:30 p.m. on 7/3 and the nursing home faked the records.”

We asked for details, proof, linkage, and about all we’ve learned for sure is that this rumor appeared in the comments of a New York Times post about Helms’ death and then the comments were disappeared, the same way Helms’ right-wing death-squad boyfriends in Latin America disappeared their freedom-loving enemies!

Today, we’re hearing through a “contact” at the Mayview Convalescent Center in Raleigh — where Helms died and spent his last rotten years — that the nursing home deliberately falsified the time of death, probably on orders from the Jesse Helms Center.

If true, this proves that Jesse Helms actually went to Hell on the gay-lesbian-black Marxist July 3 holiday, “Juneteenth.”

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Hola wonkerados.

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47 comments

  1. Squiggyfm

    I really wish the editors of Wonkette would quit beating around the bush and let us all know their thoughts the man.

  2. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    This will be an awesome scandal. Let’s put Nancy Grace on it….

  3. loquaciousmusic

    I hope that the nursing home didn’t fake the records of him being dead. Because I’ve been singing “Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah” since Friday.

  4. TGY

    “Today is a good day to die. Or tonight, possibly. Or yesterday. Yesterday wasn’t bad. Things look good for the day after tomorrow. Whatever.”
    -Native American saying, unedited version

  5. Monsieur Grumpe

    I suppose if Jesse were just lying there and not talking(yeah, right), it would be kind of hard to tell if he was dead or not.

    Maybe he was dead years ago. Jesse could have been one those Hate Zombies from Hell that always seem to be occupying my nightmares.

  6. Carrie_Okie

    [re=30401]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Confederate Man Love DayConfederate Man Love DayConfederate Man Love DayConfederate Man Love DayConfederate Man Love DayConfederate Man Love DayConfederate Man Love DayConfederate Man Love Day!

  7. shortsshortsshorts

    I was really hoping after forgetting about the cock-brain for so long that he could live long enough to see Barry become President and start his revolutionary “re-education legislation,” aka Soviet summer camps.

  8. populucious

    I believe the investigation into this scandalous issue will indeed reveal that he did, in fact, die on July 4th 1826, just like Jefferson and Adams.

  9. Joey Ratz

    “My legacy will be up to others to describe.”

    We are working on that, Jesse.

  10. memphisheel

    I hope Helms died on the 4th instead of the 3rd… if he died on the 3rd, then I don’t get credit for picking him in my dead pool. I submitted my picks on the 2nd and got damn lucky when Helms croaked almost immediately. If he’s ruled dead on the 3rd, then I lose credit because the person’s death has to come at least 2 days after he’s selected.

    Thanks, Jesse, you old sod! Your death has brought happiness to ghoul poolers and Americans alike.

  11. Larry Fine

    He died on July 3rd, and the nurses found out about his death because his body let loose with a smelly bowel movement on July 4th. Jesse shit on our National Holiday. So much for his patriotism.

  12. anabellum

    [re=30405]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: you have a point…Helms was obviously walking/talking throughout his hundred and fifty years of brain dead existence…

    i think a wooden stake may be the only answer…

  13. ForeignSickSpecialist

    Can’t wait ’til his black mistress breaks her silence and proclaims that Jesse was indeed a black mother fucker with 20 beige babies for whom he’s never paid child support… either that or Charlie Crist will give a press conference in tears proclaiming his everlasting love for this Jesse’s Rainbow (Flag) Coalition…

    Either one would be delicious, no?

  14. EnBuenOra

    Maybe it was just really, really difficult to tell whether or not he was alive or dead.

  15. SayItWithWookies

    He probably had an understanding with the convalescent home he was in that whatever day he died, he was to be preserved until the following July 4th and his death recorded then. Hell, he could’ve died last August and the poor schmucks who visited him never would’ve been able to tell — alive or dead, his body is probably exuding 18th century bigotry even now.

  16. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    A deleted comment on a website. That sounds like an unimpeachable source.

    As an aside, the resolution severing ties with the crown was actually passed on July 2, 1776, two days before the language of the Declaration of Independance was finalized. The hold-up was debate over whether the Declaration should include a denunciation of the slave trade. They finally agreed to remove the language. That debate took place on the third, perhaps more fitting for Helms’ legacy.

  17. Advocatus_Diaboli

    The nursing home had to cover up the death for a few hours while they frantically worked to extract all the man-juice from Helms’ stomach – donated, I might add, by a well-hung Negro nurse.

  18. Johnny Zhivago

    Well, we may not be able to afford Cheetos and gasoline, but for your information, our main source of entertainment – after watching NASCAR – is watching the bug zapper at night.

  19. Elitist Republican Tard

    Actually, the official records will probably show that Helms died on Feb 8, which was the 147th anniversary of the founding of the Confederate States of America.

  20. RaptorAvatar

    If he’d spent his last years drinking man milk instead of nigger semen, maybe he would have survived long enough to die like a patriot instead of a pussyass of no significance.

  21. AngryBlakGuy

    …what really happened was that he died a week prior to the 4th of July, and it took the nurses 7 days to figure out who would have the misfortune of actually having to touch his rancid body to take his vitals.

  22. villageatrois

    It’s a nursing home SOP to list death as occuring at 12:01. This results in an extra day’s pay. If they can get the room cleaned up quick, they have all the next day to admit a new occupant.

    {Just a trivial, petty issue, befitting the man it honors.)

  23. nbawriter

    Well, I think carbon dating is the best answer. So, let’s cut his dead pecker off, laugh at how shriveled and sad it is, announce that he died on July 3, then play Pin the Needle Dick on the Donkey to celebrate.

  24. Truculent

    You’re not really dead until you’re cold and dead. So they were just waiting for him to reach room temperature before making it official.

  25. Slutty_Chola_Cobbler

    If this guy doesn’t have a black love-child, I’ll be damned and banged by two tomato-toting Mexican midgets. If not, the baby mama may be dead and the kid is clueless… But there just has to be one…

  26. tonashideska

    If he died on the third, then my mother got a great belated birthday gift.
    Happy 85th mom!!

  27. S.Luggo

    Has Helms’ putrid corpse been moved to the Reagan Museaum yet for public viewing or is it being saved for the West Village Halloween parade?

  28. loudmouthredhead

    I think he probably just had Cheney’s roboticist come in and use some of that evil cyborg technology to unnaturally prolong his “un-life”. He must have had some spare parts lying around, right? THAT, or maybe his re-animated husk had been dead for years and finally the machine gave out. 6 o’ one, half-dozen o’ the other?

  29. Borat

    everything that i could say about him doing me then having a heart attack has already been said (yeah, don’t pretend you weren’t there too angryblakguy and bonkyboy).

    all I have left to say is american apparel rules. man, i can’t get enough of that girly man in the ad here but let’s mix it up a bit. I just want to see some real stubble.

  30. contains_hot_liquid

    As a July 3rd birthday celebrater, I’d like to take a little and/or all of the credit for this. You’re welcome.

  31. bitchincamaro

    Let’s see…who else died on the 3rd of July? Uh, looks like Jim Morrison, Brian Jones, and Boots Randolph! If Helmsy wants to join the celestial band, maybe he can solo on the skinflute.

  32. BeachLover420

    THANK YOU KEN for speaking the Truth about this horrid human being. As American we look down our noses at African dictators, etc. and think “Oh that would never happen in America”. Well it did and does, and one of these people was Helms. Good Riddance…….There is not a hell hot enough for this bigot.

    Tell me people – what the difference is between a Mugabe and Helms? Nothing much!!

  33. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Don’t we need proof that he was alive before he can be pronounced dead?

    Still, I sort of liked him dying on the 4th. It was as if the country stood up, strangled him, and said “This is stopping now.”

  34. Mr-Clark

    Ken Layne,

    I received two very short breaking news alerts stating that Jesse Helms had died. There were no details except that he had died on Thursday, which was July 3rd. That’s one reason I found it so amusing as Bozo the Clown had died on Thursday as well.

    I guess it was whatever the hell you believe in (God, The Universe, etc.) showing a little perverse humor. Well, I enjoyed it anyway. Bozo will be missed; Jesse, not so much..

    Sincerely and respectfully,

    Mr-Clark

  35. riceroni

    First Strom Thurmond, now Jesse Helms, all we need now is Trent Lott for the trifecta!

  36. Falcon

    With Thurmond and Jesse gone Mississippi continues to maintain a bias and hypocritical corruption. Although, some prominent blog sites in Mississippi down this community http://www.yallpolitics.com I would say that Ms. a.k.a. the secret state has more corruption. In fact we are a firm supporter the Wonkette community. When you have supreme court judges and state senators engaged in corruption of the courts to steal millions you are no better than any other common thieve. Whistle-blowing documents protected of state power of federal crimes. View documents at http://www.mftms13.wordpress.com

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