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The Devil Will See You Now.As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3!

Sure, you’re an elitist communist and you’re thinking, “Who could possibly give a shit when Jesse Helms died, except that he should’ve died forty or fifty years ago, when it might’ve made a difference?”

Well, the kind of ignorant white trash who just love Jesse Helms are not having a real good time of things right now. They are poorer than ever, deeper in debt, their jobs were long ago shipped off to China, and they can’t even afford a gallon of gasoline so they can ride their quad in circles around their shack, which is their main recreation after watching NASCAR and eating sixty-packs of Hot Cheetos. Also, a nigra is about to be president!

As we learned this weekend, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams and Jesus all died on the Fourth of July, proving their Super Patriotism. If Jesse Helms also died on July 4, that would give special comfort to the bitters, while also making slavery retroactively legal again. But this is what we’re hearing from our southern operatives:

“It appears that the little shit, Helms, might actually have died at 10:30 p.m. on 7/3 and the nursing home faked the records.”

We asked for details, proof, linkage, and about all we’ve learned for sure is that this rumor appeared in the comments of a New York Times post about Helms’ death and then the comments were disappeared, the same way Helms’ right-wing death-squad boyfriends in Latin America disappeared their freedom-loving enemies!

Today, we’re hearing through a “contact” at the Mayview Convalescent Center in Raleigh — where Helms died and spent his last rotten years — that the nursing home deliberately falsified the time of death, probably on orders from the Jesse Helms Center.

If true, this proves that Jesse Helms actually went to Hell on the gay-lesbian-black Marxist July 3 holiday, “Juneteenth.”

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