Wonkette
We interrupt your Fourth of July with some Breaking News: Jesse Helms was apparently still alive, and now he’s dead, hooray! He was a sour troll and a bigot, and it’s a testament to every rotten thing about this country that for a quarter century, he was one of the most powerful people in American politics. [LAT/NYT]
SEE YOU IN HELL
Jesse Helms Finally Dead
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I hope it hurt like hell and that he’s slow roasting somewhere. Evil man.
Why do the evil bigoted fascists always die so old?
Mom always said say something good about people when they die.
Jesse Helms is dead, GOOD.
Jesse, you were not a good man. God have mercy on your soul.
He will be missed…
Sorry, NOT be missed. Will NOT be missed.
He died too soon. Now the senile crippled old fuck won’t have to witness a “niggra” being sworn in as President. Tis a pity.
I hope someone skull-fucks his corpse.
Rats! I was hoping he was going to be McCain’s running mate. The press could have called it “Old and Older.”
Guess we’ll just have to settle for the closeted gay man with the fake marriage behind door number 2 instead.
I thought I detected an extra few degrees of heat from the fires of Hades today. Good riddance, you racist, fascist, bloated old racist fuck. What a complete waste of protoplasm.
I hope Satan himself is enjoying disembowling him with his fluked tail, yanking out his entrails by his horns, and wrapping them around Jesse’s neck and choking him to dea…oh, wait, he’s already dead. Well, I hope he suffered the same pain he inflicted on millions of people in American and worldwide.
Don’t bother praying for this asshole’s soul. He never had one to begin with.
Oh, come on, you meanies…stop talking shit about the man who wrote THIS:
“White people, wake up before it is too late. Do you want Negroes working beside you, your wife and your daughters, in your mills and factories? Frank Graham favors mingling of the races.”
ZOMG best 4th of july EVAR
Read his Wikipedia bio. Depressing. Is the fact that he died on July 4th a good or bad omen? I suspect it’s random chance in an unfeeling universe. So it goes or possibly c’est la mort.
Couldn’t happen to a better guy. It’s too bad that hate seems to be one of the greatest keys to longevity.
My favorite Helms story:
http://www.fair.org/index.php?page=1871
I think it would be appropriate for everyone to raise a cold one to former Sen Moseley-Brown for her reported response to
the old, racist fucker:
“Mr Helms, I guarantee, if you sing, it’ll make me cry.”
And is it any surprise that his body didn’t reject a pig valve in his heart?
If you can’t say something nice….
This took a long time. Satan must have a backlog.
This is my favorite forth of july so far.
Now, if only Dick Cheney will help make my Halloween…
The thought of a black president must have made him lose the will to live.
Crow T. Robot: Fuck that. There’s still time today. Good things come in threes!
DangerousLiberal: Sorry, I’m pretty sure Satan just nominated a Secretary for Minority Affairs.
But we can always hope that he has a sophisticated sense of irony. Fox News makes me doubt this.
Canmon (the Inadequate): That’s what I was thinking. He didn’t want to be around to witness the downfall of the white race.
Dang, he & Adolf must be yucking it up right about now.
In a perfect world, we’ll be reading about some “baby daddy” stories a la Strom Thurmond.
FreshCliches: Old bastard probably couldn’t get it up unless he was in a toilet stall a la Craig.
FreshCliches: No, screwing goats & other small farm animals is a better & more probable scenario. I doubt he ever let his ball peen touch a Negress.
He won’t be around to see Obama elected? Damn.
Short of that, I hope in Jesse’s hell, MJK Jr. is shitting on his face for eternity.
4tehlulz: I doubt MLK Jr. is in hell…how bout Idi Amin????
Happy 4th of July Wonkette! From a you’re-a-pean.
WOW I haven’t heard about this fucker in….
forever? I think? Something like that. I’ll drink one for him anyway. Screw you Jesse! God Bless ‘merica!
Oh and that battle to the death you’ve been fighting? You lost.
OBTW I’ve finally downloaded a virus ridden Japanese, captured from videotape, version of Funkadelic in Houston 1978 which I’m going to watch as soon as I finish this J. Yeah I’m that old.
it will be Daddy Justice that’s crapping on him this time …
the bigger the headache the bigger the pain. Y’all
Someone’s in for some SERIOUS disappointment in the afterlife.
Uummm. that would be the *pill*
Any suggestions for homemade fireworks?
THIS JUST IN:
Take a 2 liter bottle, some lye from the grocery store, some balloons, and aluminum foil
Fill bottle a quarter of the way and mix in a little lye, then break the foil into 1 sq. cm. pieces and drop in a few of the flakes.
Place balloon around the lip of the bottle. The balloon will expand, as it is now filled with hydrogen. Repeat this process until you have enough balloons for an accurate explosion, and then apply the proper incendiary device. BOOM! Hindenburg!!
I AM DOING THIS ON THE BOAT TODAY SO HAPPY 4th.
shortsshortsshorts: Shorts, you are one crazy mofo, what with your terrorist zeppelin chemistry.
The White Worm has returned to the Lair. May he forever squiggle in his hellish pile of shit.
This is the most patriotic thing that Jesse has ever done.
Still, I can’t help but think it was all Obama’s fault. He has consistently been leading in the polls. Jesse’s heart, or whatever the black mass in the center of his chest was, just could not handle it.
So, how long until Jesse’s black love child steps forward like Strom Thurmond’s?
Here’s my favorite Jesse Helms gem, “If God had wanted us to use the metric system,
Jesus would have had 10 apostles.” Maybe he really did have a sense of humor.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: “Nothing in his life became him like the leaving it”? Shakespeare, good call.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Jesse Helms would never have allowed a black ass in the center of his chest.
Ack. Black mass. Black mass!
Actually, you know what? Fuck it. Black ass I said and black ass it’ll stay.
TGY: Its safe enough…. but FUN. Happy 4th you heathen liberals! Go outside now!
Jesus, FINALLY… That was a long wait. Good fucking riddance, you dixiefied zombie.
My favorite Helms moment was when he spoke at the UN (as the inexplicable head of a foreign relations committee or somesuch title) and rambled on about how he was “just an old country boy” and thought that the UN needed to get the hell out of the Ol’ US of A and stuff. What an unrepentant jerk.
Godless Liberal *: I thought you knew something we didn’t.
Now that’s change you can believe in.
There will be a new, extra bright white star in Hell tonight.
Godless Liberal *: Somehow, I can see him having a black mass in that heaving bulk he called a thorax. It could comfortably seat a couple dozen satanists, at least.
shortsshortsshorts: You need to add some oxygen to them also, for the big boom. That’s hard to come by safely, though. Why not just be patriotic and use a gun?
I was going to try snark, but nope.
Jesse Helms was all of George Carlin’s dirty words and then some. I hope the pompous, arrogant, racist motherfucking son-of-a-bastard rots in the fiery depths of hell for all eternity.
Happy Independence Day Starring Will Smith, everyone!
Jesse Helms: why snark was invented.
I hope his room in Hell is covered in Robert Mapplethorpe prints. Let’s hope that when they bury him, the earth spits him back out.
Cape Clod: And that he finds himself the subject of his work, “Piss Christ.”
I would love to think that the prospect of an African-American president killed Helms. However, he had vascular dementia, and probably didn’t even know Barack Obama exists. The silver lining in this, of course, is that Helms probably spent the last couple of years wearing a diaper and prone to fits of uncontrollable rage.
Let’s all go have a celebratory cocktail. Make sure it’s a really really gay one*.
*Mojito
Happy 4th of July, all you crazy Americans! Have a good one.
I’m guessing Tim Russert’s interviewing him right now. Read that however you like.
mookworthjwilson: It doesn’t have to be the real MKL Jr. Jess wouldn’t know that though.
My memory may be playing tricks on me, but when Hilary got to the Senate and was trying to argue that she could act all bi-partisan and stuff, didn’t she use as an example how she would yuck it up with this racist piece of shit?
He can’t do anything to you, but you lower yourself by the mean, petty remarks you post. Mr Helms was certainly wrong about many things, but who needs the vitriol expressed here? In case you haven’t noticed, the bigotry of the past is dead, America may elect Obama and a generosity of spirit would be nice.
Or we can just spew hatred and become smaller, not greater.
Shame… I was hoping it would be a suicide in a bunker of some sort.
rightwingnut: Deadpan humor–excellent. It’s good to have a straight man around here…
Unlike Nixon & Reagan’s graves, this one should be unmonitored much of the time…& I’m really needing to “change the ole’ crank case fluid,” if ya know what I mean…
rightwingnut: 8/10 You had me convinced you actually believe this.
i wish i could care one way or the other. so many of the people i know that would be simply THRILLED with this news. they all died years ago. helms really came into his own during the onset of the AIDS crisis in america. hates not a strong enough word. he was the beginning of the end. so this must BE the end. i’d spit, but i just washed my hair.
…I hope they stuff him and use his putrefied carcass as a side show attraction.
gurukalehuru: Nah, Lil’ Russ is busy, spitting in the scotch of Terry Macullife’s dad…
NCAA
no class at all
Oh yeah, I’m not glad the Kennedy boys got shot and Teddy has a brain tumor.
Just wait till they get a Reagan clone up and running, you guys don’t now how pissed off y’all can get!
rightwingnut: Your mother has sex with horses. If she’s dead, then your wife/sister does.
“I always wondered about Jesse’s collection of little shoes.”
Never forget:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=KIyewCdXMzk
Happy Independence Day, hippies!
mookworthjwilson: I could have gone on and on about how all the horrible things Jesse Helms did and said made him worthy of our disdain, even after his death, but your tiny little right-wing mind probably would take those as laudable attributes, so instead I took the easy low road. It’s a holiday.
Liz Dole makes guest appearance in North Carolina
This is just too funny:
http://www.wral.com/news/local/politics/video/3155717/
rightwingnut:
He was wrong about a lot of things, but if you’re curious as to why no one here is especially sad about his death, then I’d suggest that maybe his “homosexuality is an abomination against God” stance and his “Nigras are an inferior race and shouldn’t mingle with whites” stance are probably the main sticking points.
Combine those… “antiquated” views with the fact that “for a quarter century, he was one of the most powerful people in American politics” and you might understand the vitriol.
I don’t understand anyone who comes here and complains about snark, either.
Crow T. Robot: He’s a rightwingnut. Straight? uh, as long as he’s not in a stall.
mookworthjwilson: Oh, and when I said wife/sister, I was implying that she is one in the same.
justshocking: I think you are confusing Helms with WALNUTS!
I’m appalled at you people.
You’re “breaking the social code.” You know how it worked:
Benazir Bhutto alive: Corrupt Paki Pol.
Benazir Bhutto dead: Heroic Martyr for Freedom.
Tim Russert alive: Mainstream Media Hack.
Tim Russert dead: Heroic Martyr for Freedom (of the Press).
Jessie Helms alive: Bigoted old fuck.
Jessie Helms dead: Heroic Martyr for Freedom (of the Great & Glorious South).
20 years from now, there will be a national airport named after him.
True, it will be in the Fourth Reich. But it will be a national airport.
May we never see his like again, the fat, ornery, bastard. The idea of him and old Strom roasting in a cauldron of their own pus-fill bilious waste, or being forever beaten by gigantic, ethnically diverse, demon-lesbians is almost sweet enough to make superstition worth it. Sadly, they’re both just worm-food and rat-home.
May your grave molder unvisited, and your name vanish unremembered!
“In paradise even the devil is forgiven”. I don’t know the source of that quote
but I always felt it was powerful. Still, I have a vision of hell for the ex Helms.
He is laying on the ground, his guts on fire. No one volunteers to piss on him.
tonashideska: Way to sugar-coat it, Lizzy… Yeesh. How can you put a pretty little bow on this guy’s horrible career? This stuff just makes me mad all over again, like I’m watching the NEA hearings back in the 80’s. Grr. Helms has earned this vitriol, thank you.
You can buy Jesse Helms memorabilia at the JH Museum shop linked to the website of the Jesse Helms Center. But wait, did someone with a sense of humor infiltrate that place? Check out the “30 years of world domination” t-shirt:
http://64.49.237.76/
wonk_the_heck: *lying, dammit. No excuse.
rightwingnut: Fuck off. That cancer deserves every ounce of bile. This pigfucking piece of shit actively blocked money for AIDS research and care because teh fagz might not die a horrible death.
I hope Harvey Gantt takes nice long piss on Helms’s grave.
@ Neilist: Why leave out George Carlin?
The possibility of a President Obama didn’t put him over the edge– it was the news that Charlie Crist is marrying a WOMAN.
hope you can use some of the same comments when Kleagel Byrd (D-WV) passes on
I hope I’m a Christian, so I hope The Big Whoever will forgive the evil shit. AFTER he’s been forced to clean up all the dog-shit in hell. With his tongue.
rightwingnut: If Byrd had spent his entire life propagating the views of the KKK, we would. However, he left the Klan in 1947 and has spent the last 60 years talking about how stupid he was for joining it in the first place. Helms, on the other hand, spent his entire worthless existence promoting the values of Third World fascist death-squad commanders and Big Tobacco. Hell, any 5-year old in Latin America knew who Jesse Helms was - he was the guy who had armed and supported the guys who killed your parents and raped your sister.
Now, why don’t you tell us why you admire Helms so much? There’s got to be something.
TGY: Is the fact that he died on July 4th, along with the second and third POTUS John Adams and Tom Jefferson (exact same day in 18 and 26) kismet?
This has Masonic creepiness written all over it…right?
Joey Ratz: His admiration is based on what you described in your 1st paragraph…add in the antigay stuff too…all plusses in this pussbag’s book…
rightwingnut: I’m not surprised, but you don’t get it. Helms was utterly unrepentant, unchanging. Byrd is supporting Obama, he changed. The ground Helms is buried in awaits the urine of every person of color and sexual persuasion, not to mention those he hurt in the despicable Raygun years. The preposterously absurd joke is he thought he was standing for something. In reality he was the poster boy reflection of fear-addled America.
rightwingnut: The Byrd Response… I thought it was just an internet fancy, an old wives tale. I had no idea people really did it. It doesn’t work BTW…
According to my Republican parsing code book, he choked to death in a bus station men’s room on a 14″ ‘colored’ penis. Hell yes, that’s patriotic!
shortsshortsshorts: Prepare to be disappointed: hydrogen burns clear. Should make some good noise, though.
wheelie: Because (1) I like George Carlin; and (2) he was funny, not a self-righteous asshole.
Next question, please.
AngryLagomorph: “being forever beaten by gigantic, ethnically diverse, demon-lesbians” Wait, are we talking about eternal punishment, or eternal reward? I mean, people pay good money for that kind of stuff.
KTHXBAI: I think that should be a “mojoto” if its supposed to be really gay.
4tehlulz: Amen. I wouldn’t piss on a person as vile as Helms if he was on fire. Fat, self satisfied cunts like that major shit hole don’t deserve an ounce of compassion. I hope he gets reborn as a lab rat.
Neilist: Jesse Helms Nationalen Flughaven. Has a nice ring to it. Also Das Jesse Helms Autobahn. Or Die Jesse Helms Center fur Racial Brüderlichkeit. The Jesse Helms Center fur Moderniche Kunst. And my alltime favorite, Die Jesse Helms-Center der Krieg der nördlichen Aggression. This shit just writes itself, with a little help from Babelfish.
I’m glad you’re fucking dead you piece of shit. Fuck Jesse Helms, a racist coward of a Senator who won by divisive politics and just barely at that. Rot in the hell you created for so many people on Earth asshole. Your death on July 4th is nothing short of a hilarious irony that some higher being bestowed upon the nation you buttfucked for so long. What a surprise that Lott would come to call you a “giant” after he patted Strom Thurmond on the back for being a good kind of racist and segregationist.
Fuck ‘im. Who’s next?
First Tim Russert, now Helms. Why is the Grim Reaper going after our national icons?
rightwingnut: He shouldn’t be buried. His corpse should be ripped apart by dogs.
snark off for a moment//The kind of hatefest which we are indulging in here, and which I am thoroughly enjoying, would not have been possible in a pre-internet age. Ditto Tim Russert, the cons would have flat out got away with elevating him, in death, to the status of great investigative journalist.
The moral of the story is: Be careful how you live,death no longer brings forgiveness.
I will dedicate my next bowel movement to his memory.