and how's that working out?

Silly Christians Praying For Cheaper Gasoline

OMG!Oil hit a new record price today, hooray! It briefly touched $146.23 a barrel before settling down to the much more normal price of, er, $145.85. A gallon of gasoline is averaging $4.09 in the patriotic United States — with D.C. at $4.16, New York at $4.30 and West Coast prices over $4.50. Why do they keep going up, up, up? Because some goddamned Christians are showing up at gas stations and praying, that’s why.

Rockville preacher Rocky Twyman started the goofy hobby in April, annoying station owners and managers in D.C. — and that’s when prices began rising rapidly. Undeterred, Twyman has spread his dumb movement to places like Florida and Ohio and California. Wherever his prayerful dupes show up, gas prices rise even faster.

Look at these jackasses:

How do you top that? By demonstrating at the Saudi Embassy in D.C., that’s how!

On Monday, Twyman decided to take his movement from Exxon and Shell stations straight to the steps of the Embassy of Saudi Arabia in Washington, D.C., hoping to encourage the oil-rich country to raise the amount of barrels they release each day from 200,000 to 1.2 million.

Saudis have a totally different God that the American Jesus, Rocky! You’re doing it wrong.

Group Asks for Divine Intervention to Ease Oil Prices [CNS]

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About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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86 comments

  1. weirdiowasculpture

    Oh Lord, please give us more dinosaurs to ride ’cause we can’t afford these cars anymore.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    Hey Reverend Twyman — God hears all your prayers — sometimes he just answers “no.” And the rest of the time he doesn’t actually exist and you’re just blowing smoke up your ass.

  3. NoWireHangers

    If they pray hard enough it’ll start raining oil-coated frogs. I’d also settle for raining men.

  4. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=29356]NoWireHangers[/re]: Be careful, we might have golden rain showers.

  5. AxmxZ

    God hears your prayers just fine – He just wants your fat lazy ass to ride a bike and stop polluting His planet.

  6. loudmouthredhead

    While I do support protesting the Saudi presence in the US and their crushing us by the balls with their oil production, you’re doing it wrong!
    They’re only influenced by tween virgins, kissing their hands, and raven-black Just For Men beard dye.

  7. queeraselvis v 2.0

    I’m pretty sure G*d wouldn’t approve of the language I was using when I filled up my car today.

  8. choinski

    If they want oil markets to stabilize, have them pressure Dubya to stop invading or threatening to invade where all the oil is currently coming from.

  9. tsunami

    answered prayers are one thing. miracles are another.

    ask that muslim obama to intercede with his peoples.

  10. loudmouthredhead

    You all watch: Next we’ll see a crying televangelist asking us to send money to support their praying for lower gas prices, and the dumb-ass bible-thumpers will send him some.

    Gallon of gas: $4.25
    Gallon of gas for a good christian: $4.25 + $1.00 “prayer expenditure”
    Watching idiots chant/clap in futility AND lose more money: Priceless

  11. anabellum

    lord have mercy!…..the miracle of the convenience store….gas prices drop, Doritos fall from heaven, a single 20 oz Dr Pepper along with a pack of cigarettes satisfies the craving of millions, and a image of jeebus appears in the water mist from the car wash……..

  12. AngryBlakGuy

    …ok, ok, ok, I cant help but be really snarky on this one. Lemme get this straight they are praying to god to lower the price of something that according to them shouldn’t even fukkin exist? I mean after all the earth is only 10,000 years old, right and it takes a million(+) to make oil? Secondly am I the only one that caught the irony of Christian praying in front of a ISLAMIC nations embassy? If anything(if I was them) this would cause me to jack the prices up even HIGHER! Silly Christians your god cant help you now; ONLY ALLAH!!!

  13. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=29377]anabellum[/re]: The Jeebus in the water prank?

    Oldest trick in the book.

  14. WhatTheHeck

    I’m also praying for god to fill up my gas tank, return my fore-closed home, give me my job back and to rain free food down from the heavens.
    He told me to STFU because he was a free-market kind of god.

  15. loudmouthredhead

    [re=29350]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Actually, I think it’s our tears and hatred that make them grow stronger. Well that, or at least make their golden parachutes that much larger.

  16. Guppy06

    End war? Feed the hungry? No, we’re going to pray for lower gas prices. Go Jesus!

  17. AngryBlakGuy

    …and by the way, just to rub into your faces. Gas down here in the Democratic Republic of Miami cost 4.03!

  18. loudmouthredhead

    [re=29381]TGY[/re]: so by your meaning, “indivisible” means “unable to perform division”. I would have to agree.

  19. Deepthroat

    shoot them all. seriously. no room for a total, complete fucking disregard for rationality. “There’s nothing left to do!” whines Preachy McPreacher. I’m not even going to dignify that with an explination of exactly what else there is to do rather than pray to a supernatural being in the sky for gas…

    angry deepthroat! smash christian!

  20. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=29385]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Im working on a vehicle that runs entirely on Exxon overlords. So far it gets about 40 miles/limb.

  21. Hooray For Anything

    Well Jesus was able to turn water into wine so it’s not that far of a stretch for that preacher to think if he prays to God really hard, he’ll be able to turn water into gas.

  22. loudmouthredhead

    [re=29377]anabellum[/re]: And lo, the Lawd didst go to thy local BP and observe the fees, and they were not good. Then the Lawd didst hear the gnashing of teeth and lamentations of women, which made him taketh pity upon the poor bitters. And so the Lawd performed a miracle, changing the gasoline into wine…which, well, didn’t really help too much.”

    What, you expect a 2000-year-old carpenter to understand the need for hydrocarbon-powered machinery?

  23. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    Your Judeo-Christian God has no jurisdiction in China or India, where all the growth in oil demand is right now. Talk to Shiva and Confucius.

  24. gurukalehuru

    Gas is still much cheaper in the U.S. than in Europe, but you’re about halfway there. As I mentioned on a different thread recently, however, we do undercut you on hooker prices.
    So, it’s simple, really. If you like to drive, stay in America.

    (Stephen Baldwin, we welcome you, but your not sleeping on my couch, you disgrace to your own family, you)

  25. ShortShadey

    Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a tankful of gas.
    Just grant me this wish, I’ll stop being an ass.
    I could pray for world peace, but I’m greedy and crass.
    Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a tankful of gas.

  26. i is on ur blogz, redin ur wordz

    Maybe these Christians should switch to devil worship, which can be done in the comfort of your own home with a dark room and some candles. No need to waste gas driving to your local MegaChurch.

  27. NoWireHangers

    [re=29414]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Ya’ll are small time. L.A. this morning: $4.50 and that was the CHEAP station.

  28. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=29414]Vanity Smurf[/re]: …I just broke up with a girl from Kileen TX and she was a phsyco so you guys suck regardless of your gas prices :-P

  29. Paultardville

    Wasn’t God that Invisible Hand Of The Free Market that determines price? Or is it Allah? I need to go back to econ 101.

  30. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=29387]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: [re=29392]tsunami[/re]: [re=29414]Vanity Smurf[/re]:

    $3.83 in Tennessee. Not that anyone wants to come to Tennessee, but still…

  31. ManchuCandidate

    Just proves that the god of economics (supply and demand) is more powerful than Jeebus.

  32. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=29438]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: …Im glad you caught yourself at the end.

    [re=29445]NoWireHangers[/re]: …I would rather pretend it never happened. You know how it goes with the crazys!

  33. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=29448]Paultardville[/re]: …ummmm yeah, Missouri!? Don’t you guys still get around by horse and buggy?

  34. bitchincamaro

    [re=29438]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:

    $10.25 per gallon in Amsterdam. But then, bicycles and weed are practically free. So it all evens out.

  35. Paultardville

    Right now, by boat thanks to all these floods that were sent by God to destroy teh gays.

    Actually, with our roads all covered and completely undriveable, that probably explains the lower price.

  36. Accordion-o-rama

    I think it’s a positive sign that Christians are
    switching from praying to God, to praying to the Saudi ambassador.

    A small step toward reality!

  37. WadISay

    [re=29453]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: God is smiting California with high gas prices for the gay marriage thingy.

  38. SocialList

    I have decided to be more like Adam Baldwin’s character in Full Metal Jacket,and pray for poontang.

    I live two blocks from work,and I got a big ass garden,so I’m good.

  39. anabellum

    [re=29461]S.Luggo[/re]: shhhh, heres an investment tip for you……after-market locking gas caps……theyre going to huge…

  40. JohnnyMac

    [re=29462]Paultardville[/re]: Have fun with all that water! The levees breaking down in MO finally dropped the levels up here in IA so we can start pumping the sewer water out of our basements and guestimate how many roads/factories/farm acres/hog lots/lives need to be rebuilt.

    But if it makes you feel better our gas is more expensive – $3.99

  41. travellabyrinth

    Wow, so stupid. Even George W. knows that the gods in question demand human sacrifice, not prayer. But, apparently he has some soul searching to do at this summer’s Bohemian Grove meeting because the price keeps going up no matter how many we sacrifice. What’s that you said, Mammon? You want me nuke Massachusetts? I’ll see what I can do (uh yess I’d like to make a collect call to Pakistan’s tribal area…)

  42. Servo

    “Hi. We’d like you to have this flower on behalf of the Church of Petroleum Consciousness. Would you care to make a donation?”

  43. RuperttheBear

    Foolish Christians: You worship an impotent god. He’s nailed to a tree, for his sake! Only Dionin can save you now.

  44. Crankenstank

    Wasn’t there something in the bible about anointing Him with oil?

    Although, seriously, if Jahweh actually was keeping score of such things, don’t you think the tip off of the identity of the One True God would be the one who gave his people all the oil and eliminated half the drivers by forbidding the right to women?

  45. loquaciousmusic

    Regular central Connecticut gas: $4.48. Gas at BJ’s: $4.21. Unfortunately, there are no bjs at BJ’s, so fuck it. Every trip I make these days has to have at least two destinations.

  46. lovethebomb

    that girl with the purple jeans in the American Apparel ad is distracting me. Must go wack off.

  47. JSDC007

    On the other hand, the price of baby oil dropped at my local CVS.

    The good lord works in strange and really creepy ways.

  48. sezme

    I’ll start believing in teh Jebus if he can provide me with some of that $4.00/gallon wine.

  49. Redhead

    [re=29387]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: $3.99 here. $3.95 if you want to waste gas driving out of your way to the cheap gas station.

    And this may have even topped the good old Obama-hating Hilltards in the “you just make this TOO easy” factor.

  50. Lazy Media

    I understand the Jews get eight days to the lampful. Maybe we should pray to Jehovah (ow, quit throwing rocks at me).

  51. 1ofUS

    Has any of these jut-nobs noticed that half the Earth’s 200 million square mile surface is always sunlit? That’s 40 billion cubic miles of biospheric mantel, people, soaking up nude energy bars per diem. We’re talking gigajoules per itsy unit surface! So leave your brontasaurus in the subterrainean garage and put out a bucket why don’t you, Jesus?

  52. 1ofUS

    Oh, uh, half of 400 million square miles…which is 200 million square miles…having halved the half once, it felt so good I did it again.

  53. Oh, Derrr....

    So, is the title of this piece deliberately a tautology? All of the smart ones are now Atheists…

  54. kfestus

    Maybe it’s just me, but this wacko Christian preacher looks a lot like Jeremiah Wright. What’s with these mixed race big city ministers. Maybe there’s something about the white blood in them that makes ‘em crazy.

Comments are closed.