AND HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT?  1:31 pm July 3, 2008

Silly Christians Praying For Cheaper Gasoline

by Ken Layne

OMG!Oil hit a new record price today, hooray! It briefly touched $146.23 a barrel before settling down to the much more normal price of, er, $145.85. A gallon of gasoline is averaging $4.09 in the patriotic United States — with D.C. at $4.16, New York at $4.30 and West Coast prices over $4.50. Why do they keep going up, up, up? Because some goddamned Christians are showing up at gas stations and praying, that’s why.

Rockville preacher Rocky Twyman started the goofy hobby in April, annoying station owners and managers in D.C. — and that’s when prices began rising rapidly. Undeterred, Twyman has spread his dumb movement to places like Florida and Ohio and California. Wherever his prayerful dupes show up, gas prices rise even faster.

Look at these jackasses:

How do you top that? By demonstrating at the Saudi Embassy in D.C., that’s how!

On Monday, Twyman decided to take his movement from Exxon and Shell stations straight to the steps of the Embassy of Saudi Arabia in Washington, D.C., hoping to encourage the oil-rich country to raise the amount of barrels they release each day from 200,000 to 1.2 million.

Saudis have a totally different God that the American Jesus, Rocky! You’re doing it wrong.

Group Asks for Divine Intervention to Ease Oil Prices [CNS]

 
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{ 86 comments }

stankfest July 3, 2008 at 1:34 pm

Oil will soon be $300 a barrell. All praises be due unto Allah.

weirdiowasculpture July 3, 2008 at 1:35 pm

Oh Lord, please give us more dinosaurs to ride ’cause we can’t afford these cars anymore.

SayItWithWookies July 3, 2008 at 1:35 pm

Hey Reverend Twyman — God hears all your prayers — sometimes he just answers “no.” And the rest of the time he doesn’t actually exist and you’re just blowing smoke up your ass.

mookworthjwilson July 3, 2008 at 1:35 pm

I that Jerry Wright??? He looks great after losing that weight!!!

shortsshortsshorts July 3, 2008 at 1:36 pm

Exxon execs are only given more power when you pray to them.

NoWireHangers July 3, 2008 at 1:40 pm

If they pray hard enough it’ll start raining oil-coated frogs. I’d also settle for raining men.

freakishlystrong July 3, 2008 at 1:41 pm

I think you took care of my comments with teh tagz…

CrunchyKnee July 3, 2008 at 1:42 pm

Ohio, figures.

freakishlystrong July 3, 2008 at 1:43 pm

I can’t stop laughing, shit, FU Ken…

NotUrEvryDayWEzl July 3, 2008 at 1:43 pm

[re=29356]NoWireHangers[/re]: Be careful, we might have golden rain showers.

AxmxZ July 3, 2008 at 1:45 pm

God hears your prayers just fine – He just wants your fat lazy ass to ride a bike and stop polluting His planet.

loudmouthredhead July 3, 2008 at 1:50 pm

While I do support protesting the Saudi presence in the US and their crushing us by the balls with their oil production, you’re doing it wrong!
They’re only influenced by tween virgins, kissing their hands, and raven-black Just For Men beard dye.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 3, 2008 at 1:50 pm

I’m pretty sure G*d wouldn’t approve of the language I was using when I filled up my car today.

choinski July 3, 2008 at 1:55 pm

If they want oil markets to stabilize, have them pressure Dubya to stop invading or threatening to invade where all the oil is currently coming from.

tsunami July 3, 2008 at 1:56 pm

answered prayers are one thing. miracles are another.

ask that muslim obama to intercede with his peoples.

loudmouthredhead July 3, 2008 at 1:56 pm

You all watch: Next we’ll see a crying televangelist asking us to send money to support their praying for lower gas prices, and the dumb-ass bible-thumpers will send him some.

Gallon of gas: $4.25
Gallon of gas for a good christian: $4.25 + $1.00 “prayer expenditure”
Watching idiots chant/clap in futility AND lose more money: Priceless

anabellum July 3, 2008 at 1:58 pm

lord have mercy!…..the miracle of the convenience store….gas prices drop, Doritos fall from heaven, a single 20 oz Dr Pepper along with a pack of cigarettes satisfies the craving of millions, and a image of jeebus appears in the water mist from the car wash……..

GlennBecksTaint July 3, 2008 at 1:59 pm

maybe the prayers will allow oil to be sprung from men’s nipples?

loudmouthredhead July 3, 2008 at 2:00 pm

Best. Tags. Ever.
“and how’s that working out?” ROFL

AngryBlakGuy July 3, 2008 at 2:00 pm

…ok, ok, ok, I cant help but be really snarky on this one. Lemme get this straight they are praying to god to lower the price of something that according to them shouldn’t even fukkin exist? I mean after all the earth is only 10,000 years old, right and it takes a million(+) to make oil? Secondly am I the only one that caught the irony of Christian praying in front of a ISLAMIC nations embassy? If anything(if I was them) this would cause me to jack the prices up even HIGHER! Silly Christians your god cant help you now; ONLY ALLAH!!!

TGY July 3, 2008 at 2:00 pm

We are a nation of retards. “…one nation under the mean IQ, indivisible…”

shortsshortsshorts July 3, 2008 at 2:01 pm

[re=29377]anabellum[/re]: The Jeebus in the water prank?

Oldest trick in the book.

WhatTheHeck July 3, 2008 at 2:02 pm

I’m also praying for god to fill up my gas tank, return my fore-closed home, give me my job back and to rain free food down from the heavens.
He told me to STFU because he was a free-market kind of god.

loudmouthredhead July 3, 2008 at 2:03 pm

[re=29350]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Actually, I think it’s our tears and hatred that make them grow stronger. Well that, or at least make their golden parachutes that much larger.

Guppy06 July 3, 2008 at 2:03 pm

End war? Feed the hungry? No, we’re going to pray for lower gas prices. Go Jesus!

AngryBlakGuy July 3, 2008 at 2:03 pm

…and by the way, just to rub into your faces. Gas down here in the Democratic Republic of Miami cost 4.03!

loudmouthredhead July 3, 2008 at 2:04 pm

[re=29381]TGY[/re]: so by your meaning, “indivisible” means “unable to perform division”. I would have to agree.

tsunami July 3, 2008 at 2:07 pm

[re=29387]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:

central jersey. $3.85

PRAISE THE LORD!

Deepthroat July 3, 2008 at 2:08 pm

shoot them all. seriously. no room for a total, complete fucking disregard for rationality. “There’s nothing left to do!” whines Preachy McPreacher. I’m not even going to dignify that with an explination of exactly what else there is to do rather than pray to a supernatural being in the sky for gas…

angry deepthroat! smash christian!

shortsshortsshorts July 3, 2008 at 2:08 pm

[re=29385]loudmouthredhead[/re]: Im working on a vehicle that runs entirely on Exxon overlords. So far it gets about 40 miles/limb.

AngryBlakGuy July 3, 2008 at 2:10 pm

[re=29392]tsunami[/re]: …S.O.B!!!

Hooray For Anything July 3, 2008 at 2:10 pm

Well Jesus was able to turn water into wine so it’s not that far of a stretch for that preacher to think if he prays to God really hard, he’ll be able to turn water into gas.

TGY July 3, 2008 at 2:11 pm

[re=29388]loudmouthredhead[/re]: That’s it exactly. Can’t math worth shit.

Deepthroat July 3, 2008 at 2:12 pm

[re=29363]AxmxZ[/re]: best synopsis

loudmouthredhead July 3, 2008 at 2:14 pm

[re=29377]anabellum[/re]: And lo, the Lawd didst go to thy local BP and observe the fees, and they were not good. Then the Lawd didst hear the gnashing of teeth and lamentations of women, which made him taketh pity upon the poor bitters. And so the Lawd performed a miracle, changing the gasoline into wine…which, well, didn’t really help too much.”

What, you expect a 2000-year-old carpenter to understand the need for hydrocarbon-powered machinery?

Botswana Meat Commission FC July 3, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Your Judeo-Christian God has no jurisdiction in China or India, where all the growth in oil demand is right now. Talk to Shiva and Confucius.

gurukalehuru July 3, 2008 at 2:16 pm

Gas is still much cheaper in the U.S. than in Europe, but you’re about halfway there. As I mentioned on a different thread recently, however, we do undercut you on hooker prices.
So, it’s simple, really. If you like to drive, stay in America.

(Stephen Baldwin, we welcome you, but your not sleeping on my couch, you disgrace to your own family, you)

ShortShadey July 3, 2008 at 2:17 pm

Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a tankful of gas.
Just grant me this wish, I’ll stop being an ass.
I could pray for world peace, but I’m greedy and crass.
Oh Lord, won’t you buy me a tankful of gas.

econdave July 3, 2008 at 2:17 pm

Because God wants us all to drive Hummers and Escalades.

anabellum July 3, 2008 at 2:18 pm

[re=29404]loudmouthredhead[/re]: actually, the wine is a good thing…

http://www.showbizspy.com/news/07012008/prince-charles-fuels-hybrid-car-with-surplus-wine

Vanity Smurf July 3, 2008 at 2:21 pm

[re=29387]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: HA! $3.85 in Texas. Suck. On. That.

i is on ur blogz, redin ur wordz July 3, 2008 at 2:27 pm

Maybe these Christians should switch to devil worship, which can be done in the comfort of your own home with a dark room and some candles. No need to waste gas driving to your local MegaChurch.

TurdBlossom July 3, 2008 at 2:29 pm

forget praying, they should learn to keep the beat first

NoWireHangers July 3, 2008 at 2:34 pm

[re=29414]Vanity Smurf[/re]: Ya’ll are small time. L.A. this morning: $4.50 and that was the CHEAP station.

AngryBlakGuy July 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm

[re=29414]Vanity Smurf[/re]: …I just broke up with a girl from Kileen TX and she was a phsyco so you guys suck regardless of your gas prices :-P

Paultardville July 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Wasn’t God that Invisible Hand Of The Free Market that determines price? Or is it Allah? I need to go back to econ 101.

queeraselvis v 2.0 July 3, 2008 at 2:35 pm

[re=29387]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: [re=29392]tsunami[/re]: [re=29414]Vanity Smurf[/re]:

$3.83 in Tennessee. Not that anyone wants to come to Tennessee, but still…

ManchuCandidate July 3, 2008 at 2:41 pm

Just proves that the god of economics (supply and demand) is more powerful than Jeebus.

NoWireHangers July 3, 2008 at 2:41 pm

[re=29435]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Details and pictures, please.

Paultardville July 3, 2008 at 2:44 pm

$3.79 in Missouri, bitches!

AngryBlakGuy July 3, 2008 at 2:46 pm

[re=29438]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: …Im glad you caught yourself at the end.

[re=29445]NoWireHangers[/re]: …I would rather pretend it never happened. You know how it goes with the crazys!

shortsshortsshorts July 3, 2008 at 2:49 pm

$4.57 average in California, hoes!

http://www.nbc11.com/gas-prices/index.html

And here’s a nifty chart thing to show how much gas is everywhere else. However, they describe California gas prices as “assfucking” for some reason.

AngryBlakGuy July 3, 2008 at 2:49 pm

[re=29448]Paultardville[/re]: …ummmm yeah, Missouri!? Don’t you guys still get around by horse and buggy?

bitchincamaro July 3, 2008 at 2:53 pm

[re=29438]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:

$10.25 per gallon in Amsterdam. But then, bicycles and weed are practically free. So it all evens out.

S.Luggo July 3, 2008 at 2:54 pm

Why resort to prayer when a siphon and a funnel will do?

Paultardville July 3, 2008 at 2:54 pm

Right now, by boat thanks to all these floods that were sent by God to destroy teh gays.

Actually, with our roads all covered and completely undriveable, that probably explains the lower price.

Paultardville July 3, 2008 at 2:55 pm

Last post was Re: AngryBlakGuy.

I am aware of the Internet.

Accordion-o-rama July 3, 2008 at 3:05 pm

I think it’s a positive sign that Christians are
switching from praying to God, to praying to the Saudi ambassador.

A small step toward reality!

WadISay July 3, 2008 at 3:06 pm

[re=29453]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: God is smiting California with high gas prices for the gay marriage thingy.

SocialList July 3, 2008 at 3:06 pm

I have decided to be more like Adam Baldwin’s character in Full Metal Jacket,and pray for poontang.

I live two blocks from work,and I got a big ass garden,so I’m good.

anabellum July 3, 2008 at 3:09 pm

[re=29461]S.Luggo[/re]: shhhh, heres an investment tip for you……after-market locking gas caps……theyre going to huge…

anabellum July 3, 2008 at 3:12 pm

to be* huge…dammit..

columnv July 3, 2008 at 3:21 pm

Could God make the price of cigarettes go down too?

Oh, and I want a hand-job.

Servo July 3, 2008 at 3:24 pm

Remember when we used to laugh about the Chinese riding bicycles everywhere?

JohnnyMac July 3, 2008 at 3:26 pm

[re=29462]Paultardville[/re]: Have fun with all that water! The levees breaking down in MO finally dropped the levels up here in IA so we can start pumping the sewer water out of our basements and guestimate how many roads/factories/farm acres/hog lots/lives need to be rebuilt.

But if it makes you feel better our gas is more expensive – $3.99

travellabyrinth July 3, 2008 at 3:40 pm

Wow, so stupid. Even George W. knows that the gods in question demand human sacrifice, not prayer. But, apparently he has some soul searching to do at this summer’s Bohemian Grove meeting because the price keeps going up no matter how many we sacrifice. What’s that you said, Mammon? You want me nuke Massachusetts? I’ll see what I can do (uh yess I’d like to make a collect call to Pakistan’s tribal area…)

columnv July 3, 2008 at 3:41 pm

[re=29508]Servo[/re]: Chinese are funny

Servo July 3, 2008 at 3:55 pm

“Hi. We’d like you to have this flower on behalf of the Church of Petroleum Consciousness. Would you care to make a donation?”

RuperttheBear July 3, 2008 at 4:15 pm

Foolish Christians: You worship an impotent god. He’s nailed to a tree, for his sake! Only Dionin can save you now.

shortsshortsshorts July 3, 2008 at 4:17 pm

[re=29485]WadISay[/re]: Heathens.

Crankenstank July 3, 2008 at 4:27 pm

Wasn’t there something in the bible about anointing Him with oil?

Although, seriously, if Jahweh actually was keeping score of such things, don’t you think the tip off of the identity of the One True God would be the one who gave his people all the oil and eliminated half the drivers by forbidding the right to women?

loquaciousmusic July 3, 2008 at 4:37 pm

Regular central Connecticut gas: $4.48. Gas at BJ’s: $4.21. Unfortunately, there are no bjs at BJ’s, so fuck it. Every trip I make these days has to have at least two destinations.

lovethebomb July 3, 2008 at 5:22 pm

that girl with the purple jeans in the American Apparel ad is distracting me. Must go wack off.

JSDC007 July 3, 2008 at 5:59 pm

On the other hand, the price of baby oil dropped at my local CVS.

The good lord works in strange and really creepy ways.

grevillea July 3, 2008 at 9:40 pm

[re=29541]Crankenstank[/re]: Heh, good point!

sezme July 3, 2008 at 11:04 pm

I’ll start believing in teh Jebus if he can provide me with some of that $4.00/gallon wine.

shortsshortsshorts July 4, 2008 at 3:13 am

[re=29713]sezme[/re]: 1,000,000 Whore Diamonds

tonyAZ82 July 4, 2008 at 4:13 am

All that praying to make me straight worked wonders too!!

Redhead July 4, 2008 at 10:35 am

[re=29387]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: $3.99 here. $3.95 if you want to waste gas driving out of your way to the cheap gas station.

And this may have even topped the good old Obama-hating Hilltards in the “you just make this TOO easy” factor.

Lazy Media July 4, 2008 at 12:19 pm

I understand the Jews get eight days to the lampful. Maybe we should pray to Jehovah (ow, quit throwing rocks at me).

1ofUS July 4, 2008 at 4:09 pm

Has any of these jut-nobs noticed that half the Earth’s 200 million square mile surface is always sunlit? That’s 40 billion cubic miles of biospheric mantel, people, soaking up nude energy bars per diem. We’re talking gigajoules per itsy unit surface! So leave your brontasaurus in the subterrainean garage and put out a bucket why don’t you, Jesus?

1ofUS July 4, 2008 at 4:11 pm

Oh, uh, half of 400 million square miles…which is 200 million square miles…having halved the half once, it felt so good I did it again.

Oh, Derrr.... July 5, 2008 at 12:53 am

So, is the title of this piece deliberately a tautology? All of the smart ones are now Atheists…

Giddygirl July 5, 2008 at 9:22 am

Don’t worry God hears you…well…maybe you should worry.

villageatrois July 5, 2008 at 9:59 am

Jesus at gas pump
clap point clap sing pray clap clap
folks with low haiku

kfestus July 5, 2008 at 3:25 pm

Maybe it’s just me, but this wacko Christian preacher looks a lot like Jeremiah Wright. What’s with these mixed race big city ministers. Maybe there’s something about the white blood in them that makes ‘em crazy.

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