Wonkette
Nobody is too enthused about this whole McCain deal, and time is slowing to a crawl as the Voting Public and News Media realize they need to pretend to care about this until a week after Halloween, which seems like 10,000,000 years away, and may never happen anyway, because of the Nuclear War with Iran or whatever Cheney’s working on, for an encore. But Juan McCain is out there all the time, presumably, doing things, campaigning to his constituency (in Mexico), etc. Let’s check in, because there has been a Campaign Shake Up!!!
- New boss for the Old Walnuts Express! It’s Steve Schmidt, a completely bald Rove henchman. He is hiring a bunch of Fox News producers, because the Republicans are all still cringing over that awful Louisiana speech the night Obama clinched the nomination. “During that speech, Mr. McCain stood in front of a green background facing a low-energy crowd of supporters, providing a startling contrast with Mr. Obama’s supporters.” [Politico/NYT]
- McCain likes to go to other countries, where the people are tinier, because he’s just a little fellow. So he keeps going to these countries, such as Mexico and Colombia, even though they aren’t really voting that much in the U.S. elections. His staff doesn’t actually want him campaigning in Mexico or the Congo all the time, but he’s such a crazy old bastard and nobody wants to get yelled at, either. [New York Times]
- One reason Juan McCain loves Latin America is that he might get to rough up a Communist. During a 1987 diplomatic mission to Nicaragua, McCain allegedly manhandled some dude in Daniel Ortega’s Sandinista government. What a dick! An old, cranky dick. [St. Louis Post-Dispatch]
My suspicion on the Colomian thing is that part of the prisoner release “deal” was that they be allowed to call it a “rescue” and Cap’n Jack is always thinkin’ about the hostages.
Snark off/Glad they’re free
Somehow, some way, we GOTTA find a totally lewd photo of Cindy McCain worth making fun of for the next four months, because WALNUTS! is the most godforsaken, dull loser since Millard Filmore. We have to find something gross and hilarious to annoy us to the point of puke drunkenness so we don’t have to think FOR ONE MORE MOMENT about this total failure, this Navy brat gone to seed, this serial plane-crash instigator that has ZERO chance to get the vote of even the worst racist deliverance buttsecks advocates in darkest Kentucky, much less anybody else.
Wonketeers, (”my friends”, FUCK!!) this is a full scale snark emergency that even shots of Beaver Road, exit 69 cannot overcome. God we need SOMETHING to come over….
I crave salacious dirt about the most disgusting spouse since Jane Wyman’s plasticene homewrecker and I need it NOW! I want photos taken by Chuck Berry at Six Flags women’s privy, and I want movies of Fitty cent getting his knob waxed in her ancient pie hole. (Either one will do).
I NEED photos from 1966 of Mick and Keith and a Cindy sandwich in Cancun.
Where are these photos? I know they exist.
Wonkette, your mission is to find and display these photos. Then Layne, Smith and Newell will be filled with righteous malice and glee, and our beloved Wonkette will be salvaged from the negative energy of a totally inadequate Presidential crapfest.
It’s so bad, I almost miss Dennis Miller…..
America sees itself in McCain…short fat and balding….his victory is inevitable
Delivering a beat down to a Nicaraguan guerrilla leader is pretty badass. I hope he delivered a schwarzeneggerian one liner when he did it. Of course, that was a long time a ago and McCain’s diminished memory can’t even recall it now.
You keep snarking young man and someday your face will stay that way. BTW, has Barry snubbed the Columbian’s or something that they publicly “consulted” with Cain on the mission? It couldn’t be swearing off their national product?
Quacker: Why do you have Mrs. Jackson? WTF?
@Thread:
WALNUTS has gotten over the rough of his old, hard Latin-American ways. Now he just wants soft, slow Latin love. He even wants it from the LADIES! Although his foreign policy would still suggest he loves old, luscious white-men’s members in his body. Any time, any place.
Sure he called it “torture” but it was more of an “assfucking vacation,” right?
Ken Layne,
Midge can actually bring back the soap box to the campaign trail. Well, it’s a start and should cut that travel budget down some.
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark
cranky dicks are the WORST, haha
Costa Rica es para Juan Mccannos!!!
Viva la anti-Revolucion!!!!!!1!
shortsshortsshorts:
Fuck! I’m so luuded out, I don’t get it….
Quacker: My fault-
by Mrs. Jackson I mean of course Michelle (terrorist) Obama.
And my grammar didn’t work out so well, so it became “have” instead of “hate.”
And TonytheAmericanDreamer loves short, fat, Korean balding men, because they remind him of Jeebus.
Will his temper become an issue in the campaign? I didn’t think it would, but now I’m starting to wonder.
http://hubpages.com/_2tfnh89kr3msw/hub/GOP-Uncle-Tom-Votes-Obama-to-Counter-Injustice
Quacker: No film-based photos of the trollop
in flagrante delicto are available. That well has been dry
since photos were invented. However, some inconclusive early
pornoroids of a fire-starting frottage session are known to exist.
Perhaps a degeurrotype will surface.
I pray it does before the “whitey” tape.
What kind of dweeby revolutionary lets himself be ‘manhandled’ by an ancient dwarf? The little Commie deserved everything he got.
shortsshortsshorts:
Ahhhhh! No, I’m seriously physically afraid of Michelle. If she knew I had (and I’m not saying I do….) any Wonkette-worthy snapz, she’d beat the shit out of me, and then beat the shit out of Barack for allowing it to happen. She’s seriously fierce! Her handshake is like a steel trap wrapped in a polite, exquisite, poisonous velvet glove. I know this…
Yes, yes grandpa, you really are a big tough guy. That “Sandy-neesta” shouldn’t have made that remark about your hair, we know. Now come sit over here until the nurse brings you your oatmeal. Please don’t call her a cunt, we really can’t afford to transfer you again.
Quacker: If Michelle wore a velvet glove, I’d sell my soul to Biden and buy me a new wife.
Interesting how Jon Stewart’s affection for McCain has turned his show into the rest of the mainstream media: Now, Obama’s every little bit of true-believer-soul-deadening pandering is processed alongside the craven stupidity/fish-out-of-water-flip-floppiness of the McCain campaign as equal sins.
Quacker: Good, if only mildly overstated, point. I think that’s why Fox News goes after her so harshly, because of the two, she’s the one who’s seriously threatening — if she showed up at their studios to demand retractions and/or retribution, they’d piss themselves.
Them: Are you the west-coast Wonkette troll?
If you are, then maybe Obama/McCain (or the experienced flip/flop) of McCain/Obama would be a really great thing. We could even talk about their families’ as Walnut’s Barrys? Or Barry’s Walnuts?
WALNUTS! always has an uncontrollable urge to return to the jungle. Perhaps he’s sub-consciously telling us that he wants his arms broken and stuffed into a box for a few more years.
shortsshortsshorts: This is why ‘I learned to hold my likker/Way down in Costa Rikker’.
So, new boss for the WALNUTS! Straight Walk Express, eh? I suppose when a turd-polisher just can’t hack it, you gotta replace him with someone who uses more elbow grease or whatever. Shinola maybe. Wait, no, Shinola is a shoe polish. My mistake.
…I have a feeling that Cindy wanted to pick up a little “Columbian Baby Powder” if you know what I mean.
Someone pleese take the green screen speech and add the “We represent the lollipop guild” number from Wizard of Oz.
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/03_03/MccainMOS_468×610.jpg
Isn’t it time we annexed the oil from Mexico anyway? I’m sure McCain is going for that angle. Or maybe he looking for El Dorado and the aliens. Like in Cocoon, “You won’t get any older and you won’t ever die.”
Makes sense, right?
>>Her handshake is like a steel trap wrapped in a polite, exquisite, poisonous velvet glove.
I came.
Has anyone else noticed that WALNUTS! is looking a lot older than he did a few months ago? Maybe the ppace of campaigning is getting him down. Lord knows I couldn’t put up with it.
TGY:
McCain: “Is that shinola on your dick?”
Rove henchman: “No, you stupid old coot, that’s your shit. Don’t fuck up your next speech and there’ll be a reacharound in it for you.”
I’d send more Australian news to laugh at, but it’s not very funny down here either. Believe me.
I never thought I’d say this, but America is our only hope… for political hilarity.