Wonkette
Virginia won’t let The Gays get married, so this couple just walked into a courthouse and said “We would like to get married plz” and they got a marriage license and even got married, even though they were two dudes. (One of them had really nice skin, though!) And just like that, billions of straight marriages around America went kerplunk in an explosion of existential despair.
Actually, no, nobody even noticed that these two dudes had gotten married until one of them applied to have his name changed to Penelopsky Aaryonna Goldberry, possibly the most awesome name ever invented.
That’s when the ruse unravelled, and all these kindly public officials were like, “Oh whoops, the chick with the nice skin was actually an 18-year-old male named Justin.” So now this couple is not married after all, but we do hope Justin goes ahead with the name change.
Va. Couple Nearly Sidesteps State Ban on Gay Marriage [Washington Post]
PHEW! That was close. Surely if they had tied the knot and the state had let it stick, four horseman would follow with terrorist bombs, floods, earthquakes and dead Republicans sodomizing each other.
Imagine the uproar if Justina-Peneloposkovoski had married one of the chocolate cats!
I blame the gays for this.
“something was amiss… or a mister.”
Wokka wokka wokka.
McCain for president! Penelopsky Aaryonna Goldberry (nee Justin McCain), that is.
LOVE!
Another sign of the end times…
Yeah, the same thing happened a few years ago when a white woman was almost allowed to marry a very light skinned negro in Virginia. Luckily the clerk grew suspicious due to certain verbal inflections on the part of the would-be groom, and when he looked into the matter further discovered that the man’s grandmother was a full blooded negress. Nedless to say the Virginia Authorities were called and they put a stop to that attempted miscegenation right then and there!
God bless America!
Virginia is for Lovers. Of pussy.
Just the awkwardness of the name — that deputy clerk that waited on them suspected something was amiss, or, actually, a mister,” Chief Deputy Clerk Gary Anderson said.
That is intense. Like camping.
Headline: “McCain Marries 18-Year Old Latino Youth, Loses New Mexico, Texas and Georgia”
At least they’re both White, right? I mean, say what you want but as long as it’s not another Loving v VA…
Well, at least they’ve avoided that tricky and expensive divorce!
McCain, who court employees said appeared to be a woman, presented a Virginia driver’s license and filled out the section of the application labeled “bride.” Court employees commented on “what pretty skin” McCain had, a court official said.
It’s unclear whether McCain and Blount were trying to make a political statement or put one over on officials, or whether McCain is transgender.
Newport News officials apparently were not the first to mistake McCain for a woman.
I’m waiting for the follow up report of all the divorces that were cancelled now that this abomination has been stopped.
I think my heterosexual marriage just shuddered.
Damn, I was going to Newport News to marry my horse - who has very nice skin, by the way.
weirdiowasculpture: In fear or post-orgasmic ecstasy?
You’d think Penelopsky Aaryonna Goldberry would have the good sense to maybe stick with his white name for a little while before sticking another finger in the flimsy Rottweiler cage that is Virginia law.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Fear, natch, There’s very little post-orgasmic ecstasy in heterosexual marriage.
…thank goodness they caught this little snafu! Do you know what would happen if gays were actually allowed to get married?!
-Gay Day parades everyday
-Butt Sex education in the schools
-Gay recruiters roaming play grounds
-Gay people having sex on the hood of YOUR car in the parking lot
-Guys looking at your penis while you pee in public urinals
-Guys wearing assless chaps on the subway
-Guy introducing themselves followed by “Top” or “Bottom”
Why are there no pictures of Justin-with-the-nice-skin? If I see a story about 19 year old gay boys, I expect goddamn pictures.
AngryBlakGuy: You apparently don’t live in San Francisco.
AngryBlakGuy:
Um, all chaps are assless. Don’t ask me why I know. It involves your dad.
Any guesses on how many Lava Soap and boric acid showers the guys in the courthouse who told Justin ’she’ had nice skin have taken since the news broke?
AngryBlakGuy: Don’t forget:
-Techno waterboarding rooms at every nightclub in America
-Fewer men trolling for cock in airport bathrooms, leaving Larry Craig sexually unfulfilled
-”Man on dog”
OMG please let this become a meme. If “Obama is a terrorist” is a meme, why can’t “McCain is a buttfucker’s bride” become a meme?
Homoxsexuality was the cause of Rome’s demise, and soon it will put the USA into the dustbin of history.
Serolf Divad: …certain verbal inflections on the part of the would-be groom…:
“Wassup, muthafuckin city clerk–just sign the mofuckin license so’s I can marry dis skank-ass bitch, befo I pop a cap in yo ass”
The clerk should have been suspicious when they crossed out “Bride,” and filled in “Bottom.”
Carrie_Okie: …nah, my dad is more ball gag and butt plug kinda of guy. Don’t ask me how I know(it involves your sister, mom and donkey)
stankfest: Hahaha! Best. Homophobic argument. Ever. “No civilization has embraced homosexuality and lived to tell the tale!”
AxmxZ: Is that a pair of walnuts in your cheek or are you just happy to see me?
AngryBlakGuy: Actually, I’d gladly allow my tax dollars to be spent on teaching the youth of this great country how to properly perform teh buttsecks.
stankfest: FUCK! How did I miss that?
It couldn’t be trade deficits? Or chronic militarism? Or crazy inflation? Or a lack of regulation on mortgage robber-barren folk? Or a stubborn refusal to move forward with renewable fuels? OH, maybe its 8 years of overspending and under-taxing?
NO! ITS TEH GAYZ!!!!!!!!1!
I wonder what could have convinced him that McCain is not a desirable last name.
If all those haters of gay marriage would just fuckin’ relax, then they could sit back and enjoy
the likelihood that over 50% of those marriages are going to fail.
Carrie_Okie: AngryBlakGuy: Are some of your ancestors from the midwest?
I think our families may be related….
what ya wanna bet that every heterosexual male in Virginia is doing a lot of hard thinking about that ‘date’ they had a few years ago…
ServiceJervixJuice: How many hetero marriages that go under failed because one or both of them were in the closet?
why would any queer person want to get married? that’s like trying to normalize themselves with straight people, which obviously suck in comparison
I bet gay marriages last longer than straight marriages, I mean who in the gay community would ever accuse their spouse of cheating, since they all both have had something like 2750 sex partners and probaly attend gay orgies every sunday night
PS. I apologize to any gays I may or may not have offended.
PPS. I like how the name McCain keeps rearing its ugly (but with nice skin) head .
shortsshortsshorts: They did get married. Then the Commonwealth unmarried them. Just like that: POOF! The Commonwealth declared them not married! Who said Southerners don’t like a strong government?
Spence: Unless of course you have a pussy yourself. Then you can leave that pussy loving at the door, girlfriend.
What’s really sad is some 67 year old woman beating, child molesting, alcohol abusing, neanderthal hillbilly could drag his crack addict, 16 year old, battered and bruised pregnant second cousin to the courthouse, ask for a marriage license and the Virginia public officials would rubber stamp the paperwork and send the happy couple on their way.
shortsshortsshorts: …see, what happened was the Roman gays through their gay agenda stretched the empire to thin. They squandered the empires riches on interior decorating and anal pleasure beads. Also by their spreading of gayness the Roman army was poorly prepared to ward off the Germanic barbarian tribes because they were to busy anally fisting each other to bother to train.
This story grosses me out. I’m gonna go look at some bear porn.
ronaldpagan: “McCain, who court employees said appeared to be a woman, presented a Virginia driver’s license and filled out the section of the application labeled “bride.””
So they didn’t look at the part of his license that says male or female? I’d think that right there would be a pretty big give away….
shortsshortsshorts: Just applied for a loan and was rejected because my credit report states “SURPRISE BUTTSECS”
I bet they caught on when the sky turned black and city water became as blood, right? You know, like it sez in teh Bah-ble?
anabellum: …hey, why do you have to bring that up!? I was dunk I swear!!!
PrairiePossum: 16? did you say 16? are you sure?
just askin. i mean, me and my cousin can get down there in a
couple hours, but with gas costing what it does…and with thelma
smokin all those rocks…
are you really sure, cause she turns 16 next month.
let me know. thank you kindly
Guppy06: I haven’t yet encountered any estimations on the percentage of failed marriages which your scenario represents, but I believe the whole divorce issue has less to do with sexuality and more to do with “familiarity breeds contempt”.
stankfest: but the decades immediately preceding Rome’s downfall were by far its most fabulous…at some point every culture chooses between blandness that lasts or unsustainable excess.
Britain and China chose the former. Rome and America, the latter.
sure, we didn’t “win” in the end…or did we? we’re no longer relevant but everyone certainly had a lot of fun getting us here. now someone else can address the problems Americans don’t have the know-how, resources or desire to fix.
AngryBlakGuy: Is angry black guy really black or just a wigger?
PrairiePossum: …you had a few typos, so Im gonna help you out!
-”second cousin”; no self respecting redneck would marry someone with that MUCH genetic diversity.
-”crack addict”; crack is too exotic and made from cocaine which is IMPORTED! Redneck hill-billy’s use good ‘ol homemade METH!!! USA! USA! USA!
-”16 year old”; sixteen is waaaaaay too old. By sixteen she would be a grandmother, more like 14!
-”battered and bruised pregnant”; you left out barefoot.
…consider this your first warning, next time I wont be so polite!
NebraskashireGentry: I hate to be all douchey, but if you’re interested in why homosexuality didn’t have anything to do with the fall of Rome you can read John Boswell’s book “Christianity, Social Tolerance, and Homosexuality” and I apologize again for being all douchey and serious.
http://books.google.com/books?id=gBiBSaZrZ8IC&pg=PP1&dq=inauthor:John+inauthor:Boswell&sig=ACfU3U0u6krRu3PDa3dfe3xQY5loVEPzzA
Delicious: Was it the Skin So Soft? Not only does it make their skin and hair soft and shiny (almost like steroids!), it works well as a fly repellent.
Mumble Softly: …yes I am of the African American persuasion! Would you like to see my penis to prove it? If so may I suggest you step back a couple feet from your computer screen, I dont want to poke your eye out.
Mumble Softly: Actually, the orgies are on Saturday nights. Sunday is for brunch, dear.
RuperttheBear: That damned Assfucking Provision Loan Act of 2003?
AngryBlakGuy:
You’re right. I will practice my snark skills over the long weekend.
GayInMaine: I stand corrected. But am I otherwise right in my position that gay marriages will outlast straight ones?
AngryBlakGuy: A couple of feet? This angry black man must believe himself to have the world’s biggest penis, I applaud you, now call guiness world records, post haste !!
AngryBlakGuy: WAIT? You are REALLY BLACK? SHIT!!!! SHIT I AM AFRAID. PLEASE DO NOT ROB ME.
Umm. Wassup there brother. Would you like to chill in my hood with me?
There now I AM NOT AFRAID. I AM ONE OF YOU now.
Mumble Softly: His throbbing member makes up 85% of all solid matter.
Mumble Softly: …they are still debating whether its a partially formed 3rd leg or parasitic twin.
shortsshortsshorts: My car was repossassed.
AngryBlakGuy: Can I watch?!? Please?!
My marriage was feeling unusually meaningless lately. Good to know it was just the gays again.
shortsshortsshorts: …actually my penis is the so-called “dark matter”(damn racist astrophysicists) that makes up 95% of the universe.
…and I cant wait to hear racist using “Im not racist…I voted for Obama” line!!!
pondscum: …bring your googles!
pondscum: …damn it I meant “goggles”
shortsshortsshorts: Actually, I am skeptical of angryblakguy’s claims of blackness and enormous genitalia. His posts reflect a certain jai’ ne sai quos, not commonly found among our darker brethren (with exception of Obama, and he is only 50% negro). And further, I have never read him type the common “wherez all da white women at?” refrain in his posts. Me smells a wigger.
Can we ask the moderator for a poll on angryblakguy’s blackness? I mean is he black enough?
Mumble Softly: …”GOD DAMN AMERICA!!!” Believe me now?
I dub this scheme the ‘Trojan Bride’. Bwahahaahahhaah..*cough*. So wrong. Anyway, it’s cool until somebody stuffs a sheep into a mannikin …well, that’s cruel unless you give proper consideration to air holes and surely not mentally healthy for Flopsy if you consider sheep to have brains at all..um..where was I?
In conclusion: Trojan Bride. Totally.
RuperttheBear:
now I feel douchey.
I feel I should clarify: I don’t think any one circumstance could be blamed for the fall of an empire (not even over-use of throw pillows) and, if it could, I would consider the evils of homosexuality tied with God’s will for the least likely cause of aforementioned downfall–well, MAYBE God’s will would be the “absolute least likely”.
I was talking about the American tendency toward over-consumption in general…not at all as it relates to any one subset in particular. and not even that is more than partially to blame for our current situation.
whatever.
thanks for the recommendation, though I’m certain a book of that nature has been banned by one government agency or another around these parts.
Mumble Softly: Well he’s definitely angry.
AngryBlakGuy: “I’m not a racist! I voted for Ron Paul!”
GOD CREATED ADAM AND EVE, NOT ANTONIO AND PENELOPSKY!
AngryBlakGuy: Oh come on, has anybody even seen a picture of that reverend Wright?
The dude looks whiter than I am , what with his light skin and jheri curl straightened hair, so your damnation of america just makes you bitter, not necessarily black
KevoTron: I bet he’s angry cause we have exposed his non blackness
Mumble Softly: I think he’s pretty blak, but he’s definitely no Nader.
ronaldpagan: Nader is a true to life ARAB (look it up)
No wonder he tries to ruin all of our elections. I wonder why he doesnt support Obama though?
stankfest: It’s funny, cause we always hear that. This is because Christians don’t believe in time (or gravity). When Rome did accept homos, they were expanding, all rich and sexy-like. Then came Christianity and the utterly BORING years of Roman history when they did nothing. Then some germans decided to spice things up and take over Europe.
I have news for the right wing judgmentalists - limiting marriage to a man and woman does not make it sacred. Case in point, I (as a female) could marry Penelopsky Aaryonna Goldberry (Aka Justin McCain) tomorrow, even though I don’t even know him. What in the world would make our union sanctified? I must say, however, that I do already love Penelopsky, if only for his sense of humor and clever subversion of the system. Subvert! Subvert!
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Actually, there is far more evidence that Christianity destroyed Rome than anything else. Does no one read Gibbons any more?
Lionel Hutz Esq.: I always thought that Christianity and AA turned the willful into goo.
pinko-commie: If you want to marry Penelopsky, you’re gonna have to fight me for him.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Christianity destroyed a lot. It had a stunnigly destructive run there for a few hundred years after the Church decided that priests couldn’t marry anymore and everyone they didn’t like was a heretic.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: That’s what I said.
This here limitation of marriage stuff ‘n’ nonsense is creating problems here in the Old Dominion. Penelopsky and his husband not really trail blazers. ’bout 10 years ago here in Alexandria, Virginia, Geo. Washington’s home town, “The Fun Side of the Potomac” ™, a couple got a license got married. They were both girl people, but only one knew that (or so the other claimed under oath and all). At some point, many days after Judge Colby joined them in state recognized union, the bride “discovered” that the putative groom had all the same equipment. She got herself an annulment right quick, and the Commonwealth’s Attorney made the executive decision we didn’t need any further proceedings. Would have embarrassed the judge, the clerk and the bride.
But it’s a true fact that my hetero marriage went down the tubes shortly after that. And I never wrote to thank those two.
Shortly after all that, the oldest deliberative legislature in the western hemisphere took steps to protect us by getting us not just a law, but a Constitutional Amendment, to protect us.
user-of-owls: None. Every local courthouse staffer in America is a woman or a gay dude.
2goats: I know I sure feel safer and more protected knowing that the VA Constitution prevents teh Geys from causing ruination in my marriage.
Did Judge Colby ever learn that he married two people of the female persuasion?
Mumble Softly: I think you mean “je ne sais quoi” instead of “jai’ ne sai quos.” It literally translates to “I don’t know what” in French.
AngryBlakGuy: That donkey consented! I have proof. It involves Belgian snuff films and your aunt Sukie. But everyone knows that story.
Not only the same last name, but the same first initial! Do you think the elder J. McCain had purty skin when he was 18?
Newport News?! Damn. And for a while there, all they were known for was Allen Iverson’s bowling alley rampage and Michael Vick’s dog fighting.
We’re clearly moving up in the world. I’m so proud.
Redhead: Muchas gracias senora