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Hitchens Joins Ranks Of Brave Journalists Getting Tortured On Video For Public Amusement

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Don't try this at home without a strap-onAt first this might look like the Formula One guy’s kinky Nazi S&M hooker orgy, but no, it’s just Christopher Hitchens getting waterboarded while terrible spin-class techno music plays in the background. We look forward to the tasering video next. [Vanity Fair]

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Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

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Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • EnBuenOra

    Clearly, I support this. Hitchens needs to explore many other consequences for policies he advocates or bloviates about but does not suffer the effects of directly.

  • Airborne Toxic Event

    We have not yet begun testing the limits of journo torture porn. Katie? Will you lose those finger nails for ratings? Come on, George Clooney did it!

  • user-of-owls

    meh…everyone knows it’s actually bourbon and water-boarding.

  • tonashideska

    Is Hitchen’s code word “MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”?

  • Trollop

    Are we sure he was waterboarded and not vodka-boarded? Although, I guess that wouldn’t really be torture for Hitch.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    Methinks this isn’t the first time Hitchens has been lead into a room full of guys, hood over his head, with loud techno music in the background, but the “simulated” drowning was an unpleasant twist.

  • Barry&#39

    That’s no fair. I wanted to be the one to get to torture him :-(

  • SuperRounder

    [re=28494]EnBuenOra[/re]: Can’t we get to the point and let everyone who has made the mistake of reading that pompous bitchfest he calls writing walk up and punch him in the throat?

  • Serolf Divad

    So waterboarding has become the “bunjie jumping” for journalists, is that it?

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Couldn’t have happened to a nicer guy. Seriously, why do Brits come over here to pontificate about US policy? What do they think the Revolutionary War was for–so we wouldn’t have to listen to their asses anymore!

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Its HIP. Its COOL. Its all the RAVE.
    Waterboard into the new millenium!

  • HomoPolitico

    Fuck that noise. Wonkette didn’t need no stinkin’ safeword when we waterboard our editors. We’re twice as drunk and twice as kinky than that old fart.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Hitch really shouldn’t overshare about his sex life. I mean, eww.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=28507]Serolf Divad[/re]: The only problem is, they have safe words. I want one of these guys to go through a “real” round of waterboarding……then let us follow the psychological treatment afterwards. I vote for Geraldo or Bill-O being first in the chute, though any of the Fox jackwads would suit me.

  • KevoTron

    [re=28504]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Yes, I believe he was generally cock-boarded in the past. In case you’re unaware, that’s when you have so many cocks in your mouth you think you’re drowning- or died and gone to heaven. It’s all a matter of perspective.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=28513]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: I’m nominating personnel for their ability to piss off and alienate even those who agree with them.

  • KevoTron

    [re=28513]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Fuck it. Line em all up. Coulter and Malkin first. We’ll let Sean Hannity watch those two and right as he’s about to blow his load we strap him down and let the Summer-waterboarding-fun begin.

  • problemwithcaring

    They wanted him to try the electroshock rod to the balls, but he got those pesky things removed in solidarity with Rummy…

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=28499]user-of-owls[/re]: [re=28502]Trollop[/re]: That’s Pimm’s Cup, I think.

  • freakishlystrong

    Well what the fuck did you think it was, Hitch?

  • scotterl

    God damn it! How did I miss the cattle call for the job of torturing Hitchens?!! All the good jobs are wired ahead of time… If only I had gone to Balloil instead of a SUNY school.

  • Iggy Plop

    In case you missed it, Hitchens getting his pubes waxed:

  • choinski
  • Serolf Divad

    [re=28513]Gopherit v2.0[/re]:

    I vote for Brit Hume, since I suspect he’s the only guy working at Fox who wasn’t merely jumping on the right-wing commentator gravy train when he signed on. The guy’s a true believer surrounded by a cadre of clownish douche bags and sorority bimbos who didn’t have the tits to make it in porn.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if I was there Im not sure if I would be able to control the urge to whip out my penis(hopefully not injuring anyone in the process) and pissing on him instead!

  • Iggy Plop

    [re=28523]choinski[/re]: too funny. do we control the darkness, or does it move through us? i refuse to think further.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=28530]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Now that’s Waterboarding we can believe in.

  • WhatTheHeck

    While they are at it, why these jerks they walk through a field of unexploded cluster fucking bombs
    and see how pleasant a walk that is.

  • KevoTron

    [re=28530]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: R. Kelly? Is that you?

  • Humble Pi

    Wait, there’s a safeword? Hell, what are those pansies at Gitmo complaining about, then? Just because they didn’t volunteer for it doesn’t mean they can’t just lie back and enjoy it!

  • Anita Cocktail

    [re=28536]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Wouldn’t that be called “golden shower-boarding”?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=28538]KevoTron[/re]: …geez, that just gave me a flashback to that Dave Chapelle parody!

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=28537]WhatTheHeck[/re]: blindfolded.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    [re=28540]Anita Cocktail[/re]: [re=28536]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: …I can imagine him yelling “dont get it in my mouth!” LMAO!!!

  • illnoise

    How can it be so enjoyable to watch the waterboarding of someone I so entirely agree with almost all the time? OH, it’s Christopher Hitchens. If he was American and not such a pretentious dick, he’d make a good president. : )

  • scotterl

    OK, OK, a new reality show where we water board Fox Jurnos AND we add in torture advocates David Addington, Alberto Gonzales, Jay Bybee, John C. Yoo and William J. Haynes II. Taking suggestions for the name of the show. I’m sure that Fox would air it.

  • thefrontpage

    Can we make a long list of journalists who the majority of us would like to see waterboarded?

  • Happy Fun Ball

    U.S.A! U.S.A! U.S.A!

    This is sickening. We really do this — we torture just like the Nazis and the Soviets tortured.

  • ronaldpagan

    Hey I sent Vanity Fair this assignment! I was all, “Hitch has to expose the dangers of waterboarding. No other writer will do.” Apparently you were wrong again, Hitchens. THERE IS A GOD!

  • anabellum

    [re=28522]Iggy Plop[/re]: for his next story Hitchens is going to have hymen reconstruction surgery……

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=28551]scotterl[/re]: “Geurilla Chanllange”

  • The Real JR Revisted

    I would like to see Bush, Cheney and the rest of the Administration waterboarded so that they can then definitively tell me Americans don’t torture.

  • warreno

    [re=28514]KevoTron[/re]: “that’s when you have so many cocks in your mouth you think you’re drowning- or died and gone to heaven”

    Right! Sort of like this image:

    That’s a while lotta fags, but I don’t think I’d be complaining too much. (For one thing, it’s rude to talk with your mouth full anyway.)

  • thefrontpage

    Real quick, suggested names for new Fox reality torture show:

    “America’s Craziest Waterboarding!”

    “The Conservatives’ Dungeon of Hell!”

    “Survivor: Waterboarding”

    “Big Brother For Real”

    “The Amazing Torture!”

    “Masters of Torture”

    “America Gets Revenge!”

    “I Survived Getting Waterboarded!”

    “Who Is Smarter Than A Conservative?!”

  • ronaldpagan

    So Chris gets a safe word, he barely makes it 3 seconds (which is the exact amount of time he can last without an alcoholic drink), and then he gets to lecture us all about how torture is so much more horrible than we could have imagined? Bitch, please.

    [re=28554]thefrontpage[/re]: All the usual suspects from Fox, of course, but I’m nominating Bill Kristol too.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Instead of Waterboarding, why not subject ze terroristas to an evening with the editors of “CO-ED Magazine?”

  • user-of-owls

    [re=28519]RuperttheBear[/re]: That’s not cricket…we can believe in!

  • ronaldpagan


    -There’s A Party In My Mouth And Everyone’s Invited! (Also In My Nostrils)
    -Bush Presidency: Blooper Edition

  • ForeignSickSpecialist

    [re=28530]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Robert Kelly? Is that YOU?!

  • ForeignSickSpecialist

    Methinks Andrew Sullivan is jealous now…

  • Rodney Badger

    Totally unrelated:

    On my way home this morning I got behind a large SUV that had one of those adorable neon-haired trolls hanging off the trailer hitch. But it didn’t stop there. The troll had black TruckNutz hanging from it.

    The truck also had those family of five stickers on the back, with dog included. You know what I’m referring to? I hate those stickers.

  • FunkyPalmettoBug

    I found this video very personally satisfying…

  • Carrie_Okie

    Oooh do David Brooks now. Only use acid.

  • Truculent

    So well deserved. Now Hitch, for your next trick, would you please provide a first-person description of the technique Vlad the Impaler was so famous for?

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    Maybe instead of waterboarding brown people, W could just blare that shitty Enya-esque version of O Fortuna over and over until they give us the info they want.

    [re=28571]ForeignSickSpecialist[/re]: Great idea. Waterboard Sullivan with that “Hillary in the House” song on repeat.

  • KevoTron

    [re=28572]Rodney Badger[/re]: Truck Nutz relate to every post on Wonkette. Thank you Rodney for bringing this well-hung troll to our attention. All Points Bulletin: Wonketteers- Be on the lookout for a neon-haired troll suffering from penis envy. Consider him armed and dangerous.

  • TGY

    The line to torture Hitchens stretches for three blocks. “Take a number!” …”Now serving…”

  • Lionel Hutz Esq.

    The last time Hitchens had something shove down his throat with loud techno on, it sure wasn’t water.

    [re=28539]Humble Pi[/re]: I agree, now that I know that they give the prisoners safe words, I’m starting to wonder what all the fuss is about.

    But how ’bout this. When the journalist uses his safe word, just keep going on and see how they respond. That would be a real test.

  • TGY

    Hey, I forget who waterboarded whom seven times around the walls of where? Was that Megan that waterboarded Jim? Without paramedics or wavers or whatever?

  • V572625694

    Greatest post title ever.

    This goes in the category of “you know, I don’t believe in x, but if I did, y would be the first candidate.”

    As in: “I don’t believe in capital punishment, but if I did, Richard Reid would be the next person executed for making me take off my shoes every time I get on an airplane.”

  • Accordion-o-rama

    17 seconds? Meh. Pat Robertson survived 10 solid hours of
    waterboarding while simultaneously leg pressing 2000 pounds.

  • Burford

    The guys who got to French dip Hitchens are my newest journalistic heroes. In the pantheon of folks I’d like to be — they fall right behind that CNN-dude who was doing the horizontal mombo with Laura Logan.

    I must disagree with Hitchens, however, who tells us that waterboarding is NOT simulated drowning…it IS drowning. I’m afraid I am going to need to see some proof….like when they peel his cold, dead hands off his malfunctioning panic devices.

    If Hitch will volunteer to repeat the exercise — this may be the best recruiting tool that U.S. intelligence agencies have ever had.

  • Burford

    Sorry…make that Lara…not Laura.

  • RuperttheBear

    [re=28568]user-of-owls[/re]: When you obstruct the field, the terrorists win.

  • Harvey Birdman

    [re=28523]choinski[/re]: Looks like Jerri Blank prepping her bacon strips.

  • 4tehlulz

    Hopefully, his next project will be televising his seppuku ritual, using truck nutz.

  • Anita Cocktail

    [re=28548]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: that must be his “safe word.”

  • ronaldpagan

    [re=28613]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Hahaha right!

    Then afterwards they could pull the rag off and Hitchens could gasp, “I could have sworn I screamed the safe word with all my might! Torture must have been causing me to hallucinate…or maybe that was the delirium tremens…”

  • bitchincamaro


  • Chiraq

    Hey, that looked like a nice, high-end towel they used to not kill Hitchens.

  • teebob2000

    [re=28572]Rodney Badger: I hate those stickers.[/re]

    I always scratch out one of the middle kids, just to freak them out.

  • Burford

    Sure hate to think that the U.S. government made a couple of those nice terrorists uncomfortable for seventeen seconds like Mr. Hitchens.

    I suspect the three thousand Americans the terrorists killed — or Danny Pearl — who had his throat personally cut by KSM — would have gladly traded places with Hitchens.

  • teebob2000

    [re=28871]Burford[/re]: Buzzkill

  • liquiddaddy

    What exquisite snark! Nobody guessed scotch boarding though. Hitch is such a pompous ass.

  • Aurelio

    [re=28555]Happy Fun Ball[/re]: Just like the Inquisition. That’s who invented it.

    It’s amazing. This low-tech methodology has been around for 500 years and Hitchens acts like it’s some new hybrid car he needs to test-drive.

  • Dr. Spaceman

    Where’s the part where:
    1. A squad of Marine break down his door,
    2. Shoot some of his family*,
    3. Kidnap him,
    4. Throw a bag on his head,
    5. Load him on an airplane,
    6. Throw him in a concrete cage in some secret prison,
    7. Strip him nude,
    8. Tell him that he’s dead to the world, there’s no salvation, he is less than an animal,
    9. Then waterboard him?

    *Jim, Jack, Johnny and Jose

  • schvitzatura

    If only the music selection was either March From A Clockwork Orange (Beethoven Ninth Symphony, Fourth Movement) or Walter/Wendy Carlos’ Timesteps (same soundtrack)…you’d have a definite FTW/+1 to the n power.

    Viddy well, Hitch, viddy well…

  • BobLoblawLawBlog

    nothing has ever made me want to be EOC of vaity fair more. “hey, hitch. why don’t you step on this land mine and see if it hurts?”

  • Sasquatch

    [re=28551]scotterl[/re]: One fatal flaw in your idea. Fox doesn’t have any journalists on staff.