Wonkette
Even though WALNUTS! has the most tantalizing dry-rub recipe this side of Rudolph Valentino, an overwhelming majority of Americans would rather enjoy a tasty side of Barack Obama this summer. A survey reveals the tragic truth: nobody wants to hang out with the angry old war vet except other angry old war vets.
Here are the sad statistics about McNasty’s Dashed Summer Barbecue Dreams:
While many are still deciding who should be president, by 52 percent to 45 percent they would prefer having Obama than McCain to their summer cookout, according to an Associated Press-Yahoo News poll released Wednesday. …
Having Obama to a barbecue would be like a relaxed family gathering, while inviting McCain “would be more like a retirement party than something fun,” said Wesley Welbourne, 38, a systems engineer from Washington, D.C.
[HAHAHA which one of you jackholes is "Wesley Welbourne"? -- Ed.]
The news is so terrible that one in six self-declared McCain voters would still rather have barbecue with Barack Obama, knowing that WALNUTS! barbecues don’t end until somebody gets a corn cob lodged in their colon, for good luck.
Four years ago, detailed voter data showed that most Americans would prefer to have a beer with George Bush than John Kerry, even though George Bush doesn’t drink (in public!). Democrats were all, “Whatever, the job of the President isn’t to hang out with idiot voters, it’s to govern!” And now we can say to that: John Kerry was a douche, just like John McCain.
Yeah, I’d love to go to a barbecue with John McCain. Cream of Wheat, pruneburgers, and Ensure, oh my!
Pish posh. I would love to have a barbeque with John McCain. Especially if it’s old-school BBQ, where you bury him and build a fire on top of him. The way they did it when he was young, back in Revolutionary days.
if only the Presidential race were a popularity contest…
Damn, I was looking forward to having some of Cindy’s Original Chips Ahoy Cookies.
But wait - what about what Walnuts or Barry are going to *bring* to the barbecue? Barry’s toting some sad-ass looking tupperware of arugula salad and you’re going to let him in instead of McCain backing up into your driveway one of Cindy’s beer trucks?
If there’s faggots and spotted dick, i’m THERE!
Just for the sake of argument, isn’t this how we got Bush in the White House in the first place? I mean, the old “Who would you rather have a beer with” question? (I for the record, said Bush, because I’d videotape his drunk ass while we were having said beer and have him make me an ambassador, or something.) Having said that, as much as I’d like to have Barry teach me the finer points of barbecuing, I’d still pick McCain, because maybe he’d get drunk and call someone a cunt.
What if I’d rather have Wesley Welbourne at my barbecue?
People just want to get Barry into one of those “Kiss the Cook” aprons. Whereas, WALNUTS! apron would read, “Extremely Flammable” or “Kiss the C*NT”
If the dry-rub recipe is taken from Cindy’s cookbooks (i.e., equal parts of ground-up Percoset, OxyContin, and Dilaudid), I am so there!
Iggy Plop: Don’t be ridiculous. WALNUTS! can’t drive. A truck? He’d back into your house.
ooooo and cornholing… will there be cornholing???
Iggy Plop: Cindy’s bringing a truck full of Budweiser — or, for those discriminating palates, Budweiser Select. And FSM forbid you should sneak an actual decent beer onto the premises. So yeah, screw that — Barry can bring the arugula, and I’ll take care of the brew. Keg of Harpoon IPA sound good?
No pork at Barry’s Muslim barbecue = No thanks.
“…would be more like a
retirementhospice visit party than something fun…”Corrected.
@wesley welbourne: Wes, I would be like a godamn WAKE, and not an Irish one…
I’d take either over the Cheney Family’s annual Brazen Bull Roast. We’re running low on infidels.
I really don’t want to associate the words “dry-rub” and Walnuts! ever again. Thanks for that, Wonkette.
If Walnuts did show up at my BBQ, I’d be sure to have the camcorder handy for the inevitable “Corpse! Cunt!” exchange between the happy couple
think of how great it’d be to throw hotdogs AND hamburgers from the grill into a blender for WALNUTS then spoonfeeding that sexy former POW. you’d feel like you were giving back to the community, just like that time you sang christmas carols at St Andrews Village for old people.
I think that Barry would actually bring good beer while McCain would bring some sort of depressing Egg Salad from the grocery store.
Sadly, Wes Welbourne was found clawed to death, reeking of Bud Select, in what police are calling a drive-by cunting/trolloping.
There’s more watermelon at someone’s gatherings. I’m just sayin’
“Wesley Welbourne” is clearly the name of a character in a bodice-ripper romance novel. So Obama apparently has the fictional roué vote locked up.
We would rather attend a barbeque hosted by Ted Nugent, and including as guests Jesse Ventura, Al Franken, John Hall, Heath Ledger, Robert Byrd, Ross Perot, Ralph Nader, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sarah Palin, Lara Logan and Sonny Langham. Now that would be fun.
Weird. I thought Americans loved abusing Bud and prescription opiates while roasting a pig over an open flame.
Unlike Balack Hussein Osama’s Muslim, healthy BBQ. I’m not too sure about a cookout with no liquor, no swine, and no naked chicks. Maybe it’s just me.
loudmouthredhead: a drive by cunting/trolloping sounds like something people might pay to have inflicted upon themselves at a BDSM club.
Dr. Welsey Welbourne, M.D.?
Paging Jodi Picoult!
I’d go to McCains barbe-q because Cindy will bring the cocaine.
SayItWithWookies: A keg of Harpoon IPA you say. Convincing argument. Well, I do fancy some arugula salad providing I have something to wash it down with. Let the elitist barbecue begin! I’ll bring the marinated tofu to throw on the grill.
Surprise, the black guy wins a contest about barbecue. Next, why don’t they ask “Who would you prefer to go swimming with?” We all know who would win THAT poll.
i like arugula….beats the hell out of having a nasty old man insist i eat his dry-rubbed gizzards….
Hopey thinks he’s all that…
Let’s see who wins if it’s:
A.) John McCain
B.) Barack Obama
C.) Jessica Alba
loquaciousmusic: Yeah, i it was one of us, the pseudonym would have been something like “Wesley Welbutrin”. That guy sounds like a Daily Koser.
I’m pretty sure McCain’s “dry rub” is a terrifying combo of Vick’s Vapo-Rub and Icy-Hot. *Shudder*
Doglessliberal: Only if you’re Larry Craig….or a certain Baptist preacher.
Advocatus_Diaboli: I bet it would be the elitist, seedless kind too. I’m SO there.
Y’all are misusing the word barbecue. Barbecue is a dish made from sliced or shredded, smoked pork shoulder. That event you have in your back yard in the summer is a cookout. And you cook hamburgers on a grill.
SayItWithWookies: I’ve always wanted to see someone try and barbecue arugula. Be a lot more fun with a full keg.
…of course no one wants to go to a BBQ with WALNUTS!, you can only deal with so many “When I was your age” stories!
Lorax: administered by a blue-begloved Romney.
If we all get hauled before the FBI or the extraordinary rendition-ers, I say we do the whole Spartacus thing:
“I’m Wesley Welbourne!”
“No, I’m Wesley Welbourne!”
…
Huh. I thought it was Larry Craig who was the real expert at dry rubs.
warreno: Nono, that’s “humps” or “bagging” depending on the posture/schweaty-ness.
When did 52% become an OVERWHELMING MAJORITY? I mean, after the last two general elections, it would be refreshing, but not OVERWHELMING, right?
Ultra-perfecto alt-text
Realistically, at his age, John McCain couldn’t do dry rubs for a whole party.
ForeignSickSpecialist: But we might get to see some hot Burqini action! Me-yow!
http://www.ahiida.com/index.php?a=subcats&cat=20
“No I said a DOLLOP of HUNT’S!”
Dear fellow jackhole (aka Wesley Welbourne),
Great bit of psychological warfare. Right now the Walnuts campaign is reeling b/c they now believe that the LNS vote is in doubt. They had not recovered from the discovery of the “Obamacans” yet. Way to keep them off balance.
loudmouthredhead: That’s more McCain’s steez. Just enough flesh to pimp slap a cunt.
Did these folks understand that they would have to pay up to $30,000 a plate to eat barbecued arugula and drink bottled water with the Big O? At least, according to his recent events.
-Wm Tate,
http://www.atimelikethis.us/
AngryBlakGuy: Yeah & how often do you want to be called a “young whippersnapper”?
Wm Tate: How about you actually pitch your book in a real ad on this site, instead of being cheap and using the comment space? kthxby
Wm Tate: “With his Republican opponent overseas,
Senator Obama has
the United States all to himself.”
Watching coverage the last many weeks, I was under the
impression that Obama already had the country to himself.
You mean there IS someone else running for President?
-Wm Tate,
http://www.atimelikethis.us/
jesus h christ, wm, you’ve decided to grace us as well as
the nyt.
Nobody wants to see Walnuts standing around in short shorts with black socks and loafers, pale white spotted bird legs, poking dead varmints on the grill with a stick while he sweats over it and mutters incomprenhensible nineteenth century sailor slang to himself.
loudmouthredhead: that’s what i’m talkin’ about.
tsunami: And in such a subtle, witty, and appealing manner too! I’m TOTALLY going to buy one now! wtfomg!
loudmouthredhead: Watch out. He might use that as one of his endorsements on his web page.
McCain can’t do BBQ’s. The heat will melt that makeup off his face like Raiders of the Lost Ark and scar all the kids for life.
At least I didn’t bring macaroni salad, you cunt.
peteymca: or Jell-o (TM) mold with mayo sauce
(not kidding; it’s a Southern staple: Jell-o with canned fruit chunks in it with a sweetened mayo sauce on top. Truly vile)
Doglessliberal: Ah! My grandma in the Midwest makes a dish that features: canned fruit cocktail, orange Jell-O, and multi-colored marshmallows. It is then topped with Dream Whip and shredded cheese.
(Whispers)
It’s actually pretty good
Who would America rather have a beer with? I’m betting McCain. Barry probably gets all theoretical and preachy after a couple Goose Islands, whereas McCain will start saying crazy stuff and slapping Cindy around.
Yeah, but who would you rather bar b’cue a vietnamese village with? Why didn’t they ask that question?
I call bullshit. “Weekend at Bernie’s” was a refreshing, hip 1980’s installment.
I don’t think many people have an appetite for Jack Daniel’s marinated gookers.
Lazy Media: Since you’re getting technical, barbecue is the process of cooking a tough, stringy cut of meat over low heat for a long time. Hence my suggestion to use the process on Walnuts!. What you’re referring to is the product of that process. Other outdoor cooking is usually referred to as grilling, which can also be done in front of a congressional panel.
i hear his dry rub is actually a mix of metamucil and gold bond powder.
I’m surprised that 45% of you jackholes would like to BBQ with Walnuts McCain. What - do you have another guest whom you’d like to see killed?
NoWireHangersDoglessliberal: : You’re bringing back disturbing memories of lime jello with shredded carrots. *gag*
pondscum: NoWireHangers: Doglessliberal: Feh. Y’all haven’t lived until you’ve been force-fed tomato aspic with homemade mayonnaise. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some lunch to purge.
illnoise: You are correct. The numbers don’t represent a ‘overwhelming’ majority.
It’s not WALNUTS age, merely that I’d hate to be the chef who over- or under-cooked his damned hamburger. He’d lose his temper and rant and so forth.
Humble Pi: Ok, now we have references to Walnuts!’s “dry rub” and “tough stringy meat”. Could we please stop before I lose any desire to eat anything BBQ’d ever again? (o_o)
At the Obama cookout there will be policy discussions, such as which Bush political position to next pirate. Meh. But at McCain’s there will be games!!!! E.g. “Pick Up The Cane”, “Hide The Dentures”, “The Aluminum Walker Throw-down”, etc.
S.Luggo: Don’t forget the always-fun “Which minority is stealing from me?” or the classic “Who are you people?”
Barack will bring his own chicken (no skin, of course) and request dijon mustard. McCain will throw a fit over having to take out his dentures to get a piece of corn. I vote Mike Gravel.
Call me weird, but I think a McCain BBQ would be more fun– tons more booze, lots of chips and cholesteral laden meats, and McCain seems like the type to do nothing but tell dirty jokes and tell stories about nailing hookers in Thailand. A Barry BBQ would probably entail too many items from the local organic health food store, tofu, and lots of stuff that contains the phrase “free range”. Plus, there’d only be light beer and white wine (he doesn’t seem like the type who drinks alcohol, least of all beer) and instead of dirty jokes and ribald tales, there’d be long discussions on social theory and the latest New York Times Book Review section. Unless, of course, he is still secretly smoking dope and doing coke, in which case all bets are off.
Hooray For Anything: Nah, I bet John’s an angry drunk. Oh, wait, maybe we should ask Hils about it? She would know.
With Barry, we could all stand around the grill and cook by the power of Hope. :p
TGY: If by so forth you mean shove him face first into the burning hot coals, then yes, he would lose his temper and so forth…come to think of it, that wouldn’t happen, due to his inability to lift his arms, but he would definitely threaten to do so…
>>HAHAHA which one of you jackholes is “Wesley Welbourne”?
That’s my usernames on teh Ed Hale anti-Oboma-supporter sight.
Humble Pi: Impossible - as a great number of movies have shown us, the undead are highly flammable and thus fear fire. Not only would WALNUTS! stay the hell away from the grill, but if he got anywhere near it, he’d burn to a crisp.
SayItWithWookies: And FSM forbid you should sneak an actual decent beer onto the premises.
Hey — ever hear of MICHELOB??
queeraselvis v 2.0: MY MOM MADE THAT!!! Including the homemmade mayo. She added diced celery to the tomato aspic
TGY: You’re probably right– I bet McCain’s had to be restrained at any number of family functions before he beat up any number of cousins. On the other hand, I also bet he gets really loud and talkative and starts spouting off on things he shouldn’t be, like how much he hates having to suck up to Bush/the Religious Right/the Republican Party/the rest of congress/Mitt Romney/the press. Then an aide would have to run out at some point before he said something really bad that would be reported by the press. Which, of course, wouldn’t happen because they’d be too busy yukking it up with McCain to report anything bad he’d say.
An Obama bbq would probably consist of a bunch of people sitting around Hopey listening to every word he said, hoping he’d look in their direction and basking in his glory. I’m picturing it would be like attending a BBQ with Jesus and the disciples.
Humble Pi: Me cook you, lonnng time.
loudmouthredhead: But we might get to see some hot Burqini action! Me-yow!
I like how the “slim fit” comes down to just above the knees, and the “modest fit” comes down to… uh… like, just below the knees.
Doglessliberal: Yup. My grandmother made tomato aspic exactly once (with the diced celery and all) and nearly wrote the entire family out of the will after we turned up our collective noses. The mayo was made of yum, tho.
Wm Tate: Wm - VERY attractive pic of you on your site. You ever fly thru Minneapolis?
BTW - I’m NOT gay, and I never have been gay.
Hooray For Anything: Says you!!
http://bp1.blogger.com/_qu-NsGz9y5E/SAzY6arukgI/AAAAAAAAAZw/gWH1le3scbU/s320/obama+beer.jpg
And THEN proof he drank it!
http://blogs.thestate.com/.shared/image.html?/photos/uncategorized/2008/05/06/obama2.jpg
And then there’s titties and beer, my personal favorite. (NSFW in case you couldn’t tell)
http://www.atomly.com/random/oktoberboobs.jpg
John McCain has 500 teeth in his lowers. 500… at least.
WadISay: Rock The Vote did a survey on that, Obama won.
http://www.touchtunes.com/press-releases/rock-the-vote-survey-on-touchtunes-interactive-network.html
I see he contracted Hillaryface.
Now what about a poolside barbecue? I’ll take arugula and turkey burgers if it’ll get Barry into some swim trunks.
The full name is Wesley Penelopsky Welbourne.
McCain should choose Romney as his VP - then we could all enjoy “tube steaks” at the BBQ.
Perhaps it’s just the mention of Valentino kicking off random neurons, but doesn’t the picture of McCain at the top of this article match Lon Chaney Sr in the silent version of “Phanton of the Opera”? I’m thinking it’s about when he first turns around from the organ.
Racism, Non. Sexism, Non. Ageism, Si!