Wonkette
Time flies when you’re getting jabbered at by a lightly furred ballsack! Wolf Blitzer has apparently been hosting CNN’s Late Edition for ten wonderful years, and this Sunday America will get to enjoy two whole hours of decadent Blitzerian retrospectives. Relive Wolf’s proudest Journalistic Moments, after the jump.
Who could forget his brave coverage of Hurricane Katrina, when he boldly described the victims of the hurricane in such searingly human terms?
And then there was the time he talked for two hours about the death of that fat American heroine who courageously fucked a billionaire, for money.
Wolf Blitzer, we salute you! Here’s to ten more.
Celebrating Ten Years of Wolf [CNN]
CNN “So Poor and So Black” [YouTube]
Wolf Blitzer: Where’s your dignity? [YouTube]
If he pulled a Timmie, his “Blitzerian retrospective” would be a lot more touching.
Wolf Blitzer should be proud of the last ten years of his life. After all, he is pwned by pharmaceuticals, so while he may have the humanity of an enraged polar bear, there’s always a drug to keep the pain away.
Ten years? Why it seems like only yesterday he was standing bare-chested atop a Patriot missile battery, fist raised to the heavens, calling down a rain of fire and destruction upon Barrak HUSSEIN’s craven throng.
lightly furred ballsack. what a great new substitute for douchebag
Hey, show proper respect for the Scud Stud, please!
Texan Bulldoggette: He wants his post-passing tribute upfront.
He was so much better during the first Gulf War, when his name alone made him a national hero.
Terry: Aw, you beat me.
Clearly, 80% of the show should be a retrospective for the Greatest Common Man Who Ever Lived, Tim Russert; 10% should be about THE GREATEST HUMAN EVER TO TOUCH THE PLANET, Ronald Reagan; and the remaining 10% should consist of Wolf Blitzer and a panel of 20 screaming right wingers who just repeat over & over that The Surge Is Working.
I love the Wolfie school of TV journalismism. Particularly the way he forms his questions in the most obnoxious way possible so that he can get a good sound byte. Classy.
He also has a funny habit of throwing in awkward little asides right at the end of the interview, like he’ll die if he doesn’t get in the last word on whatever shit subject he’s discussing.
And his monotone voice is slightly less annoying than Hillary’s!
Interesting fact- Wolf won a Peabody for his coverage of Hurricane Katrina aftermath. So poor. And Black!
I’d be looking back, too, if I worked in an office with Lou Dobbs and a free sodomy policy.
uncletravelingmatt: You’re fucking fantastic.
Wolfie gets two hours? And he’s still alive?
uncletravelingmatt: I think Nancy Grace is the one who initiated that policy
But how is his new reality show, “Situation Island” doing?
“His name alone singled the demise of the furry ancestor of today’s domestic canine.”
Signaled. Damn…
I still remember my first reaction to his reporting…
“That’s his REAL name?! That’s AWESOME! I’ll have to watch the news now…..awww, that was a letdown”
Gopherit v2.0:
The best, though, was during that Scud Stud stuff, either CNN or the Washington Post interviewed Wolf’s sister who said she was a bit perplexed that folks thought he was a sex symbol. LOL That’s what sisters are for, bring you right back to Earth.
I like how on election night he stands next to seven foot tall pie charts and reads them verbatim, for those of us who cannot read a seven-foot tall pie chart. And letting Jon King do all the smart and insightful analysis… its all so unselfish. Thanks Blitz!
I thought Arthur Kent (of NBC?) was the Scud Stud. Now he was okay to look at. Wolfie (even 10 years younger) … not so much.
Wolf met the Pope too! And he hasn’t shut up about it since.
I’m still waiting for Wolf’s Howard Beale Moment:
“So, you listen to me. Listen to me!
Television is not the truth. Television’s a goddamn amusement park. Television is a circus, a carnival, a traveling troupe of acrobats, storytellers, dancers, singers, jugglers, sideshow freaks, lion tamers, and football players.
We’re in the boredom-killing business.
So if you want the Truth, go to God.
Go to your gurus.
Go to yourselves!
Because that’s the only place you’re ever gonna find any real truth.
But, man, you’re never gonna get any truth from us. We’ll tell you anything you wanna hear. We lie like hell. We’ll tell you that Kojak always gets the killer and that nobody ever gets cancer at Archie Bunker’s house. And no matter how much trouble the hero is in, don’t worry. Just look at your watch. At the end of the hour, he’s gonna win. We’ll tell you any shit you want to hear.
We deal in illusions, man. None of it is true!
But you people sit there, day after day, night after night — all ages, colors, creeds.
We’re all you know! You’re beginning to believe the illusions we’re spinning here!
You’re beginning to think that the tube is reality and that your own lives are unreal.
You do whatever the tube tells you –
You dress like the tube.
You eat like the tube.
You raise your children like the tube.
You even think like the tube.
This is mass madness, you maniacs!
In God’s name, you people are the real thing.
We are the illusion!
So turn off your television sets. Turn them off now! Turn them off right now! Turn them off and leave them off. Turn them off right in the middle of this sentence I’m speaking to you now.
Turn them off!!”
That asslicker wouldn’t even deserve a two-hour retrospective dead, much less alive. Unless the retrospective is called ‘Douchebag: a Decade of Wolf’ Where’s my fucking retrospective for breathing and pooping and doing a halfassed job for the past decade?
wheelie: And I understand that the Pope was deeply honored to meet him.
I so hate to rain on everyone’s parade, but Wolf Blitzer was not the Scud Stud. That was a guy named Arthur Kent, some TV guy from Canada.
First memories of Wolf were from the Olympics in…geez, it must have been ‘88 or so. I remember thinking - “Hey, that guys got a beard.”
people still watch cnn?
The way I remember it, Arthur Kent was the “Scud Stud.” Blitzer never left Washington.
Ah, the memories. That was a good war. Good times. At least that how it looked in “Three Kings.”
Wolfie was a moron in the first gulf war, and he’s still a moron. (oops, sorry, I meant ‘moran’)
It’s nice to know that some things never change.
Botswana Meat Commission FC: And I thought Wolf’s career would slowly recede after Wolf, Cokie, George Snufulufugus - you know, all the Clinton minions’ and the DC press corps - basically united to ruin any remaining semblance of trust Americans had in political news coverage.
Instead, cable news producers read the “Spin Cycle,” and thought “This is precisely the sort of wide-eyed, practiced stupidity, sex-obsessed, non-news, media core we need to bring us into the 21st century!” then gave ‘em all jobs hosting shows. We’ve been dumber as a nation ever sense.
tsunami: Only at hotel lobbies and musky airport bars.
uncletravelingmatt: HA HA! Sheer genius. I can’t believe that Nebraskashire guy took the “Comment of the Day” award already…
edgydrifter: When I first read your post, I thought it said “Barrak HUSSEIN’s craven *thong*”. I like mine better…
Somehow, I feel a litte sorry for Wolf, but I suppose that comes with age. (My age, that is.) I dunno.
Perusing his Wikipedia entry:
‘He also wrote for Yedioth Ahronoth, Israel’s most widely-read paper, under the name Ze’ev Barak. “Ze’ev” and “Barak” are both Hebrew names; the former means “wolf”, while the latter means “lightning”, the German word for which is “Blitz”‘
So, “Barak” is “lightning” in Hebrew, eh?
Meh. I’m not tuning in unless I’m guaranteed to see Wolfie get bitch-slapped by Peter Arnett.
weirdiowasculpture: Delicious: Right you are. Arthur Kent the Scud Stud was recently trying to weasel his way into a Canuckistani government position by running as a Tory [read: Republican] in the Tory province of Alberta [read: our Texas.]
Unfortunately, Artie-Boy got beat by a local TV bingo caller running for the Liberals. How fucked must you be - a world famous war correspondent running as a Tory in a relatively safe Tory riding, in a Tory province, during a Tory landslide - and to still lose to some local TV dweeb?
You want the Scud Stud back? You can have him, so long as you promise to keep Celine Dion, too OK?
Canuckledragger: Woof–a Tory losing in Alberta? That’s gotta be one of the first signs of the Apocalypse. I was up hunting near Camrose last year and your description is spot-on: it’s Texas with snow. Reddity-red-red.
Canuckledragger:
There should be sort of “Candian Post of the Week” column on Wonkette. Just to keep us updated on the wild shenanigans up North.
So black, those poor blacks. So very, very black.
Courage; blacks.
With all that shit going on in the background, you need a tiny, bearded man to make sense of it all.
elburrito: Hee. +1
uncletravelingmatt: Score! Most excellent.
So douchy, and so white. Truly an American tragedy.
Why is the dynamic host of Situation Room holding 20cc breast implants to his face? Why do they even make 20cc boob implants?
Truculent: One of my favorite movies and favorite quotes of all time… now associated with Wolf Blitzer. I’m not sure how to feel. Displeasure, i think.
elburrito: Fucking hilarious.
Where’s the clip of that time he asked Dick Cheney the question about his gay family, and the Dark Lord fixed him with his laser death ray until Wolfie melted from all the flop sweat?
Oliver: If Dick was nailed with the ray-gun of death, Pelosi would be your Veep. Did you know she was ONCE THE MAYOR OF SAN FRANCISCO????????????1?
Have people forgotten Wolf’s finest moment when meeting Victoria Recano? http://www.victoriarecano.com/20020909_post.html
“CNN anchor Wolf Blitzer should work on his opening lines. According to stunned bystanders, when the dapper anchor met “Inside Edition” reporter Victoria Recano on the red carpet at GQ’s party at the GQ Lounge last week, he took one look at the lovely Latina and suavely stated: “You look beautiful . . . now tell me I look beautiful too.” Recano giggled and walked away.” - New York Post, September 9, 2002