Wonkette
You know what we haven’t done in a while, due to fatigue or nerves or hangovers or whatever it’s called? A Comment of the Day, that’s what! Let’s do one right now, and honor Mr. or Mrs. NebraskashireGentry for this smart economic advice in response to our tragic 4 a.m. Great Depression II post.
NebraskashireGentry says at 10:19 am, July 1st, 2008 - Reply
Poor people love lottery tickets, Hot Cheetos and shows hosted by or featuring Jeff Foxworthy.
I’d invest in a company that produces any or all of those three things. as the number of poor increases, so does their demand for these items — this will raise the price of the goods and increase revenues for the companies that make them.
It’s simple economics.
Also: Poor people love Hillary Clinton, so if we could capitalize on that in some way .… Though if known geniuses Terry McAuliffe and Mark Penn couldn’t figure out how, there’s little hope for the rest of us.
Invest in Walmart. With everyone’s real income dropping like a stone, it’ll soon be the only affordable shopping outlet for the vast majority of America.
1) Shitty Economy
2) ??????????????
3) Profit!
I think everyone should have at least one friend who owns a farm or a ranch so they can make a quick escape when the apocalypse occurs (more specifically when Bush and Cheney consummate their “October Surprise” by bombing Iran).
I bought myself a 12 acre farm in the Litchfield Hills for myself. I suggest you all do the same.
Mmm… Hot Cheetos.
Damnit to hell, I got slobbered all over my fresh overalls!
So… get ahead by observing the consumption patterns of my in-laws. That actually sounds right. I could have forecast the last 15 years of American politics if I had just taken their paranoid, racist rants seriously. I’ve been calling this the “prole drift.”
American Dreamer:
I’ll be packing up myself, my wife,’cousin Pearl’, our three kids,
and our four yappy ankle biter dogs in the Expedition and heading up to “visit”
Right after King Obama is crowned.
Or maybe earlier, so that I can beat the traffic.
Thanks for the invite!
…Im investing in cheap malt liquor, guns, $5 crack whores and refrigerator boxes.
damn it, I hear this NOW after I’ve sunk every penny into arugala futures…
AngryBlakGuy: Don’t you people do that anyway?
shucks…I was just tellin’ Ma that I never win nuthin’ and here you all go making me a liar.
but seriously, my family has land in Arkansas that we are under strict instructions to “head to by whatever means” after the next national disaster.
I wish I were joking and didn’t have to wait out the apocalypse in the Ozarks.
AngryBlakGuy: So, business as usual?
American Dreamer: Great, I’m headed your way after the apocalypse. Heat up some Cheetos for me!
American Dreamer: …I got something even better; two PASSPORTS!!! So I will be riding out the rapture in a third world country with a favorable exchange, partying like a rock star!!!
American Dreamer: I’ll just go to your farm, which, after a brief struggle, will become my farm.
Also, I like to split open my bag of Hot Cheetos like a gutted possum and pour a can of chili on top. Fine dining, yessiree.
Jeopardy
A. Orange, cheese-like snack product.
Q. What do the poors and the Paultards have in common?
If that’s not proof that the poor don’t know their own best interest, then nothing is. Someone once said of the lottery that your odds are the same whether you play or not. And Cheetos are really just air in a wrapper of some space-age polymer. And Foxworthy of course has been getting rich off the same vacuous persona for years. So nothing, nothing and nothing — that’s pure genius!
Rev. Peter Lemonjello: …actually, after the whole sub-prime collapse the demand for these commodities have skyrocketed. Hopefully this bubble doesn’t collapse or we are all fukked!
Arr! I be piratin’ in the Caribbean.
AngryBlakGuy: +1
There should be a company completely devoted to deception. This should not be something like a large conglomerate with a million subsidiaries, but more strictly a company devoted to saying “we are deceptive. We don’t care about you, and we think you suck.”
The initial impression might be a little rough, and they may struggle for a few quarters, but as soon as they start breaking out the products people love, they’re will be not only profit, but immunity from prosecution, like Halliburton or something, only with the cards on the fucking table.
NebraskashireGentry: Spending the apocalypse in the Ozarks? Talk about a winning lottery ticket!
Delicious:Ah. i see you, like myself, have already done much of your investment in the coming apocalypse in the form of sci-fi novels. After the fall of civilization, we’ll all become paultards.
shortsshortsshorts:
I think the GOP has that market cornered.
how about scratch off lottery tickets that pay off in spicy Jeff Foxworthy and Hillary shaped cheesey poofs?
Seriously though, the end of civilization will be peak oil, not a terrorist attack. practice goat titty yanking now
My money’s on e-bay. Everbody is going to want to sell off their belongings before they can burrow into the ground.
Tonight, 8 am, Jeff Foxworthy Presents the Hot Cheetohs Lottery Ticket Hour, with Special Guest Star Hillary Clinton!!!
EnBuenOra: Also underwritten by Twinkies, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Slim Jim.
EnBuenOra:
I thought that was called “Are You Smarter Than A Mouth-Breather”.
NebraskashireGentry: Usually during national emergencies, militias in Arkansas stand at the border and keep people *out*…unless you can prove that you are a convicted rapist/murderer and are friends with Mike Huckabee.
Gopherit v2.0: at some point in the distant past, someone told my grandma to invest in real estate. she did her prospecting in a place destined never to be affected by a housing boom.
while we often poked fun at her blunder, the purchase may prove beneficial; we will have a few months of rifle-shooting and rabbit-skinning practice before displaced and starving Northern cityfolk, like locusts, grow desperate enough to ravage the mountains of the deep south.
problemwithcaring: then few of us should have any problems gaining admittance.
Buying at deep discount, and then selling on the black market, the prescriptions which the bitters are too poor to get filled. Heart medication is much over-rated.
Servo: “Are You Smarter Than a Cheeto?”
NebraskashireGentry: Sounds like a brilliant investment to me.
There’s no real surviving an apocalypse where I live in the Arizona deserts. If things go bad, you have about 2-3 million yahoos in Tucson and Phoenix, most with guns, and limited water and food, and no easy “living off the land.” The best chance people will have around here is to duck and cover until the gun owners are finished using their ammo or having their weapons pulled from their cold, dead hands.
So what, now we’re commenting on comments?
Slow news day or what?
Gopherit v2.0: I highly recommend you move 200 miles north and edge your way into the Eastern Sierra’s interior, somewhere like Bishop Pass or Dusi Basin. Probably the only hope for anyone when the shit hits the fan.
Cool2Snog: STFU. It’s what Lil Russ would have wanted.
Cool2Snog: Jealous?
See what I did there? I commented on your comment about commenting on comments.
It has begun.
NebraskashireGentry: You are right on, I think, as the smart people Frito-Lay read the writing on the wall when they brought back Flamin’ Hot Fun-yuns….
http://www.theimpulsivebuy.com/wordpress/2008/04/14/flamin-hot-funyuns/
Gopherit v2.0: are you saying that McCain doesn’t represent a brilliant and progressive populace?
why do you insist upon questioning this man’s military service?
Capitalize on the Hillary craze???
Just open a chain of clothing stores: “Pantsuit Barn: Dress Like Hillary for Less”
shortsshortsshorts:
I’ll take a latitude adjustment. Chile or Argentina/Tierra del Fuego.
NebraskashireGentry: When the balloon goes up, his will be one of the first houses hit by looters……and somewhere, deep inside, Walnuts! will feel unadulterated pride.
What are those little figurines old ladies love so? Hummels? Yes. Invest in those. Old people will skip meals to buy those things.
On a related subject, Radar had a story in the recent issue that one of the things that happens during recessions is people get fatter because nobody can afford personal trainers and quit their gym membership to save money. Throw in that and cheetos, and probably the best investment would be in companies that specialize in clothes for fat people.
EnBuenOra: I think we’ve just described Nascar.
Hooray For Anything: Putting on a protective layer of blubber before TEOTWAWKI probably ain’t too bad an idea…when the JIT delivery Frito-Lay man’s step-van has been plundered by ravening marauders, you’ll wish you had orange-dusted fingers, just one last time…and empty calories to burn keeping your Hummel collection intact for trade goods with the rich oldsters who still care for potpourri.
“I wish I were joking and didn’t have to wait out the apocalypse in the Ozarks.”
Don’t go South, whatever you do. I’d go to my father’s farm in Iowa, if I were not already in SW China. Here, most people already raise their own food with a hoe, and the equivalent to Cheetos are deep-fried bee grubs. Hao chi!
Zhu Bajie