Wonkette
Ever since the Bingo Hall (Clinton campaign HQ) closed, we’ve experienced a tragic drop-off in whimsical nutball emails. So it was with both gratitude and relief that we opened this gem today. Apparently we should not watch any movies with Scarlett Johansson in them, because it upsets the parents of her clone, or something. Maybe this is one of them viral marketing dealies, for The Island, three years late? Or maybe this chick really is a clone, which sort of makes sense: the blank expression, the monotone … Full frontal kookiness after the jump.
from: Serg G
to: tips@wonkette.com [and massive recipient list not BCC'd]
date: Mon, Jun 30, 2008 at 11:41 PM
subject: Human Cloning Prohibition Act of 2003! regarding Scarlett Johansson (actress)Hello dear ladies and gentlemen!
I would like inform you that Scarlett Johansson (actress) actually is a clone from original person, who has nothing with acting career. That clone was created illegally by using stolen biological material. Original person is very nice (not d**n sexy), most important - CHRISTIAN young lady!
I’ll tell you guys more, that clones (it’s not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. You can not even imaging the scale of the cloning activity. But warning! Helmut Kohl clone staff 100% controlling all their clones spreading around the world, they are very accurate with that, some of them are still NAZI type disciplined and mind controlled clones, so be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Think wise..
Apparently those clones are very actively shown on your website. This is just a warning, because original person is not happy about those images and video, rumors and etc., in that way it would be really nice if you try slow down that ”actress” career development on your website, original Scarlett’s parents will really appreciated that.
Please do that, do not wait until FBI agent give you a call with questions. Please remember that original family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created, it all need to be return back to original family control to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
Original Scarlett is not engage!
Her close friend Serg G.
Y’know, if we’re cloning Scarlett Johansson, I’ve got a couple of ideas that would keep me occupied and out of your hair for the next ten or fifteen years.
“Original family” no longer imprisoned in Bavarian basement after quarter century. Now let out to spread clone-aktion across globe. Fourth Reich imminent. 1,000 year reign over Iraq. Scarlett Johansson lost in translation. The “Serge” is verkking.
Is it me, or is “Original Scarlett is not engage!” then new “all your base are belong to us”? I am loving whatever language this is supposed to be.
“Original Scarlett is not engage!”
All I can say is “wow!”
Fucking Serg G. Now he tells me there are more ScarJos out there. Why do they equate an actress of some talent and a very healthy rack to evil clones?
Hey Evil Overlords!
I going to go out on a limb and assume that I’m not the only one who will say this:
I WANT MY OWN SCARJO CLONE!
And an SKS clone as well. Thanks
Hot_Carl: Me volunteer engage Original Scarlett. Period. Full stop.
Yes, who among us could endure the prospect of more Scarlett Johansson.
Of course Original Scarlett is not engaged. She is a very nice unsexy Christian woman. Sounds like Harriet Meiers.
Wait, there are clones of Scarlet Johanson out there? I’ll absolutely take three. Finally, the Germans get something right! (You know, besides cars and beer and, um, killing.)
wtf. wack ass busta.
Godless Liberal *: You do realize that if we clone ScarJo today, she will start out as an infant. So if you are going to be busy for the next 10 or 15 years with her clone, well, there aren’t words.
I think we could make some serious money cloning her.
Wait, um, does this mean ryan reynolds is single?
“Please remember that original family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created, it all need to be return back to original family control to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.”
This is like poetry.
and georgia_peach: exactly, the first thing I thought of was that “original Scarlett is not engage” is the “all you base belong to us” of 2008.
Who reads German? I’m looking at that town’s web site (http://www.ludwigshafen.de/) trying to find the link to the clone company. I wonder if they do special orders. Maybe a Chinese menu kind of thing. Pick the face of one celebrity or famous person, the body of another, the mind of another, etc.
In the spirit of Dr. Frankenfurter, I’m gonna make me a man with blonde hair and a tan.
and wait, is he saying Helmut Kohl is a clone?
“I’ll tell you guys more, that clones (it’s not only one) made in GERMANY - world leader manufacturer of humans clones, it is in Ludwigshafen am Rhein, North Bavaria, Mr. Helmut Kohl home town. “
Does the Helmtt Kohl cloning agency web site have a “wish list” feature where I can advise friends and relatives what I’d like for Christmas, next birthday, really any gift giving occasion?
I tripped and hit my head trying to read that..
I thought Serge Gainsbourg, the French chanteur, was dead. Maybe this was written by…. HIS CLONE!!!!
I love the fact that Helmut Kohl is behind all this. Who else is involved? John Majors and Boris Yeltsin?
This calls for a song!
He’s Mister Clone Meister
He’s Mister Fun.
He’ll take Johanssen and
Clone her one by one.
They call me Clone Meister.
Whatever I touch
Replicates in my clutch.
He’s too much!
Ba-dump-bump-bump, daaaaaaaaaaaaaa-dump!
This guy is so full of shit. The clone factory is UNDERGROUND! It’s run by deros. I’ve said too much.
I for one welcome a sexy-improved Scarlett clones for all straight men and curious women.
so obama is friends with a clone! now it all makes sense …
Cripes, did Boris and Natasha write this?
“Ees all part of plan for to catch moose, squirrel and crazy hot chick in peenk pyanties!!”
Scarlett was cloned from Betty White. Who I heard will be dead in 3 months….or WILL SHE?????
Where do I order my Paz Vega clone? Only six months until Christmas…
The same technology that clones Scarlett Johansson can clone Mark Penn. I for one like my cheeseburgers just where they are, thanks.
Am i the only one who thinks a Nazi army of Scarlett Johansson clones is a BAD idea?
shit shit shit. erase! GOOD idea, GOOD idea!
its a joke…the mention of the Cedars-Sinai Medical Center is a dead giveaway…
why would you send the stolen biological matter there…when the only hospital certified for clone destruction by the FDA is the Creighton University Medical Center in Omaha?…duh…
My Nigerian banker sent me this. But I’m with Deep — send us more Scarlet Johansson’s. Don’t waste a lot of money buying clothes. They can some as they are.
(I’m such a pig)
Goddamn it! Why is it every time I find a celebrity attractive, she turns out to be a clone!!
Fucking clones.
Mr. Data, set a course for the Original Scarlett. Engage!
/Captain Picard’d
Um, if an army of ScarJo clones wanted to dominate me….I might have trouble resisting? Is that the whole point of the nefariousness?
Nominations for amusing names for the clone hometown!
I vote for “Muffstripshaven”
There should be one Scarlett for every man, woman and child in this country.
Brutus Harlot: For you, and since someone just made a Picard reference:
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v208/tobal/picard18.jpg
Wait… why is the FBI investigating this if the factory is in Germany? Unless…. there’s an underground tunnel to the US! It must go directly to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center. That’s how they get the material! Obama MUST be in on it - I bet he’s going to sell ALL our DNA to those Germans. That’s his secret plan for how to revive the economy! Serg guessed the evil secret plot!
Does anyone else ever read Tim Dorsey novels? The main character in them is named Serge… and he’s a crazy serial killer. Coincidence? Maybe THEY’RE clones!
Redhead: Your brain must hurt after pinching out that chain of reasoning
How’s it feel to think like a trucknutz lover?
Deepthroat: I’d like to order 6 in S.S. uniforms to carry me on their shoulders as I vacation in Europe.
This is what we’re fighting and dying for? This nutjobs free to be . . .nuts? Pass the fucking tin foil, I’m outta here!
c’mon, Ludwigshafen am Rhein? everybody knows that the leading Scarlett clones are made in Wiesbaden! Maybe they’re not “d**n sexy” but they’re FBI approved.
“So be careful get close with clones you will be controlled as well. Think wise..”
I’ve just found Obama’s new campaign slogan (the clone reference is a snarky jab at McCain’s likeness to Bush–Axelrod you crafty devil!).
Can they clone dead people yet? If so I’ll take Louise Brooks. If not, Helena Bonham Carter. You can save Scarlett for the amateurs.
loudmouthredhead: The room is spinning. I have a whole new perspective on life! I’m no longer voting for Obama and his crazy German cloning scams! His name was too hard to spell anyway. I’m writing in Ron Paul! I may not agree with his policies, but at least his name’s easy to spell!
And I’m PRETTY sure he’s not a clone…
I tell you, it really IS an evil conspiracy. With all the nutjobs coming out today to play, I’m not sure I’m going to be able to stop laughing and actually get my work done…
ServiceJervixJuice: You’d clothe yours? That’s it, you’re one of teh gayz.
2goats: I picked it for my wedding registry.
Thank Jeebus, now I can finally trade-in my Dolly the Sheep clone. It’s summertime, and that wool coat gets pretty hot and itchy.
All your Base are belong to us.
Mr.BorgtoYou: Damn I should have read throught the replies more carefully and here I thought I was all original an shit. BTW Angelina Jolie would have made a much better clone.
The logic, if I follow: evil German NAZI doctor clones ScarJo -> Wonkette! has picture of ScarJo on site -> original ScarJo (who is not engage) family wants her back, doesn’t want clone promoted -> Wonkette should stop writing about this b/c FBI interested in case
That’s utterly awesome.
Brutus Harlot: Nonsense, she would only be an infant for a couple of those years, and then a toddler for a few more, then a child, a tween, and by that last year our activities would be genuinely legal in some Southern states.
Besides, do you really think the Germans are going to put any effort into cloning if the result is going to be a weak infant? Nay, a German-produced ScarJo clone would emerge from the test tube fully grown and developed, and with a bosom as firm as my own turgid member, ready to influence politics with her pouty lips and her…
Excuse me for a few minutes.
Godless Liberal *: You forgot “perky”, but I’m not sure that adjective is as flattering to a member.
I will mindlessly read anything–office supply catalogs, civil war regiment rosters, a stock ticker–if you preface it with “Scarlett” and “Full Frontal”.
The bigger question is, why does Wonkette attract so many weirdos? …myself included.
Where are the pictures? Where are all the pictures of the clones? We have to see the pictures.
edgydrifter: Damn, what office supply catalogs are YOU getting that use the words “full frontal” in a product description? Sign me up!
Apparently those clones are very actively shown on your website.
Apparently I am going to have to pay much closer attention to my Wonkette.
Just out of curiosity… how much for a Scarlett Johanson clone?
And, do you think if I got two they would… you know, make out or something?
Apparently, it’s not possible to imaging the scale of the cloning activity. Does this mean I have to stop downloading pictures of Scarlett Johansson?
I can see Holywood gold in this: “The Broads from Brazil”. Anyone got Michael Eisner’s number?
elburrito: When two clones make out, it may appear to be incest, but genetically it’s just masturbation. Okay, I’m going to stop thinking about this now.
thefrontpage: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DiHeAJB7p2o
loudmouthredhead: Hot Stapler Action Quarterly
Mr.BorgtoYou: They tried AJ clones, but there was an inherent defect that cause the clones to constantly tip over and fall on their faces.
why don’t we clone clinton and bush and then they can both run for another term … loser leaves the country !
Is the fact that ScarJo is Jewish relevant at all to her membership in an all-clone Nazi army?
Great!
I ´m just 30 Minutes away from Ludwigshafen- thanks to the Autobahn - this calls for a business trip to secure my personal Clonelette.
They must be roaming the streets by now. Who would have thought this shitty industrial wasteland of a town had it in it?
Although there isn´t a thing like “North Bavaria”. Maybe a secret alternative dimension?
AnnieGetYourFun: German irony….no one gets it but them (oh, and Serg)
SayItWithWookies: But morally, it’s just hawt.
SayItWithWookies: Thanks. Tell us how you manage it so the rest of us can, too. Scarlett-squared making out is going to affect my job performance today.
Gopherit v2.0: Yeah, I’m picturing a whole gothic village of topless ScarClones with lifeless eyes and blank expressions that just kind of wander around aimlessly and make out with whatever they bump into.
Wait a minute–why would Nazis clone a Jew? I’m confused.
loudmouthredhead: Well, hmmph, isn’t most royalty?
Serge Gainsbourg is alive?? (And retarded, now?)
edgydrifter: That sounds like someplace you’d find on Second Life.
edgydrifter: I could def. do a Lars and the Realgirl with my own personal ScarJo.
Please remember that original family did not authorize any activity with stolen biological materials, no matter what form it was created, it all need to be return back to original family control to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
I have this image of some wackadoo starnapping ScarJo and actually delivering her to Cedars-Sanai, leaving the staff to figure out why they’ve been presented with such a fabulous gift.
The new Morrissey is a clone!
Shit. It all makes sense now! (It doesn’t explain the last album, though.)
Nadine?