Wonkette
Someday soon-ish, Barack Obama will have to pick a running mate. Alas, it has been many moons since a celestial human born without Sin walked among us, so Our Barry is forced to pull his vice president from a pool of reprobates, losers, and women who are too attractive to be paired with such a handsome man. Seriously! Join us on our tour of three prospective candidates who will never ever be vice president.
1. Chuck Hagel: Well, this one’s easy. He’s a Republican, and the only person who seriously wants Chuck Hagel on the ticket is Ted Sorenson. Literally no other person on the planet thinks this is a good idea.
2. Joe Biden: Too old, too experienced, not “change-y” enough.
3. Kathleen Sebelius: Will stoke anti-miscegenation sentiment among white male voters by arousing fears that black men are once again stealing all the hot non-colored ladies. This is an actual concern cited by “a savvy operative with ties to organized labor.”
Hillary Clinton is, as we speak, plotting to murder Bill Richardson with an exploding cigar.
Heilemann on Obama’s V.P. Conundrum [New York magazine]
I think we all know who the “savvy operative with ties to organized labor” is…
BUFFENGBARGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
http://wonkette.com/358703/dumb-clinton-surrogate-unleashes-funny-attack-on-obama
Obama-Lieberman 08.
Sebelius–not glam enough.
Gene Wilder for VP. He works so well with the brown people.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BB7tClTaQbg
Probably each campaign is waiting for the other to play its hand in order to pick a nominee who’s credentials can outweigh the other. If McCain nominates Susan Collins, then Obama’s going to name Sibelius. If McCain nominates Joe Lieberman, then McCain’s gonna cajole Michael Bloomberg to run with him. And if McCain puts Bobby Jindal on the ticket then Obama’s going to run a “Win the Vice Presidency” raffle at theme parks around the country and allow anyone in America who buys a ticket a chance to be Vice President. I’m guessing tickets will be included in specially marked packages of “Fruit Loops” also.
VP should be a clumsy, doofis looking, nerd that can’t do anything right. In this way, the President comes out looking better. Maybe Pee-Wee Herman or Chuck Schumer will do.
Uh… she’s not hot in general, hot for a governor, or even hot for a Democratic governor. Narrow it down to “hot for a middle-aged lesbian Democratic governor from Kansas,” though, and you might have it. I think the straight white men of this great country will be able to sleep soundly with their fantasies intact.
Seriously, for a moment, what is wrong with Hagel?
I’m probably a complete Moran, but somebody please slap some sense in me…if it’s needed.
Really? Kathleen Sebelius is hot? I admittedly have a thing for well-kept grey-haired ladies, but she is 60 years old. Just half a year younger than Hillary. Is the nation finally growing up and recognising the attractiveness of mature women? Or is John McCain just making everyone else look young?
Guppy06:
She’s pretty hot when you stand her up next to Nancy Pelosi.
Only in Washington is Sebelius considered “hot”. LA has The Girls Next Door. San Antonio has Eva Longoria. New York has Giselle Bunchen. We have Sebelius? Rrrrroooowwww.
Only one smart choice to bring the party together: Harriet Christian for VP!
Delicious: He’s really, really, really fucking conservative. Just because he has been a critic of the Iraq War doesn’t magically make him a Democrat.
Serolf Divad:
Ack! “whose”
I wish we could have a ‘guess the veep’ contest. And the winner gets three whore diamonds for life.
Kathleen Sebelius is too much of a cougar for mild mannered Barry. Can’t have a President serving as Boy Toy to such a hot lady.
…I kinda wish they chose Vice Presidents at the convention in the same way they do NBA/NFL draft.
AngryBlakGuy: If David Stern was the MC of the Convention, I’d watch.
I for one will be disappointed if he is pressured to go the Anglo-Saxon Male route. What, they feel disenfranchised? Either go Richardson or Hillaryesque femael equivilent.
OK, calling Sebelius hot has really fucked with my mind - kind of like walking in on your parents doing it…
Delicious: It’s kind of funny, but Democrats don’t really want a Republican Vice President. Something about the whole if the president dies, the VP becomes President thing and the Democratic party kind of wanting a Democratic President and all.
Expect Obama to really fuck up the Republican strategy by choosing McCain as his runningmate.
How about Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.) - When asked if she’d consider being Veep, she said:
“Absolutely. Absolutely. I think I would be great. First of all, I know how to behave at weddings and funerals. And I know how to be commander in chief. I’d bring a lot of fun to the job. We would rock the Naval Observatory.”
http://thehill.com/leading-the-news/senators-say-whether-theyd-agree-to-be-vice-president-2008-05-12.html
Wow, it would be one big party for 4 years at the V.P.’s house! Rock on Girl.
This is all assuming Cheney relinquishes the position without bloodshed?
It’s easy to set up long-shots then knock them down. The article doesn’t examine any serious contenders. As an example, for widespread appeal and a courageous stance against the Iraq war, you won’t find any better candidates than the Dixie Chicks. Of course, you’d have to split the VP slot three ways, but a threesome might certainly be entertaining.
AngryBlakGuy:
I wish they chose veep candidates the same way they do the Racial Draft.
Oh, yes, and John Kerry doesn’t have a shot for the VP slot either. Ditto Jimmy Carter.
I like Sibelius, and seriously, even if the Democratic VP pool isn’t anything to cream your pants over, it’s ridiculously better than the Republican VP pool, where Bobby “Off With Your Nutz” Jindal is the last great hope.
So no Webb whatsoever, huh?
Serolf Divad: Lucky Charms. That would be in keeping with the rainbows and magic theme.
Sorry for the long quote but:
On the one hand, nobody in Obama’s inner circle disputes the notion that opting for a V.P. with major foreign-policy/national-security chops would be extremely desirable given the nominee’s lack of experience in that area. On the other, everyone agrees that Obama’s sidekick should reinforce his brand as an agent of change. This is not an easy circle to square: Where exactly does one find a running mate untainted by Old Politics, an outsider who represents a clean break with the past and embodies transformative potential, but who also happens to be (to borrow a phrase) ready from day one to be commander-in-chief?
This is true as far as it means, “Hillary can NEVER EVER be VP, not if she were the last white person on earth.” Other than that it’s bullshit. Obv Obama isn’t going to fill up his entire cabinet with sexy, fresh-faced outsiders. It’s not that hard to find someone who’s experienced but doesn’t represent old, power-grabbing, corporate-beholden, cynical politics.
Plus are there even any kindergarteners left who think “change” is anything but a vague, meaningless buzzword?
Michelle Obama for VP.
A friend of mine also brought up the whole black man/white woman problem with Obama picking a white chick. Maybe people seriously believe that? But just because Dick was boning Bush doesn’t mean any pair of running mates is fraught with sexual tension. You know? Speaking of sexual tension, maybe Edwards will reconsider the VP slot.
I think we need a reasonably articulate woman who is probably only a few years from death. Thay way we pull teh girlz and teh oldz.
Obama is going to pick either Edwards or Webb to pick up the cracker vote.
I have heard Richard Cohen being bandied about. That gets you the military and the party cross-over. Plus, he has a hot wife.
And isn’t Biden the one who made the comment about Barry’s being clean or articulate or something?
Botswana Meat Commission FC: …that would be awesome because we(black people) would be able to get rid of Alan Keyes, Condoleeza Rice and that political analyst/HACK on MSNBC with the cock-eye!
PeteJayhawk v2.0: …yeah, and we can get Stewart Scott and Stephen A. Smith to do the commentary.
Botswana Meat Commission FC: …this guy(Ron Christie)
http://i96.photobucket.com/albums/l176/musiclover1992/ronchristie.jpg
Biden is most qualified which means he won’t be picked: too knowledgeable. Clark has been pushing it as of late, is convincing as experienced military leader countering McHero’s prime argument. He’s a little unsure of himself against say, Mittens, but he, like Hopey has the goods. Where’s Rocky Rockefeller when you need him? Oh yeah, that. Mikulski, now that’s hot.
TGY: Natalie Maines for VP — I could get on board that. Um — with that. Idea, that is.
Ideally the running mate would be someone with executive experience, who was against the Iraq war and the excesses of the Bush administration and who doesn’t have any huge skeletons in his/her closet. How about Eric Shinseki?
Terry: Chuck Norris, bro.
SayItWithWookies: or Taguba: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Antonio_Taguba
Doglessliberal: That’s why it would be perfect. Maybe white racists just want to know their voices are going to be heard, you know?
Doglessliberal: Apparently they both spent some of their early lives in Hawaii, where Obama was born. If this isn’t painted as some sort of Hawaiian-Muslim sleeper cell, I’d be in favor of either one, so long as they weren’t on the batshit end of the social spectrum.
Oooh:
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0608/11435.html
Please, Mormon Jesus, let this be so!
SuperRounder: Michelle Obama for DOJ! O.k., o.k. just think about it.
SILVER-HAIRED FEROCIO!
Only one choice for Veep. KUCINICH! Hottest First and Second Wives team EVAH! AND he’s a doofus. AND he isn’t a WASP. AND…OHIO!
eatsshootsleaves: ah, brilliant
gjdodger: but he believes in UFOs and is a vegan and Orthodox Jew. The 527 ads write themselves.
eatsshootsleaves: wow. There is a lot to be tossed at Romney by the ignorati (pro-choice Romney, Mormon Romney, etc), but would that tar McCain, I wonder? I think Obama’s choice is going to matter more than McCain’s.
I’m thinking, Squiggy!
From what I hear, Ed McMahon could use another second banana job. He needs the money.
eatsshootsleaves: That would make my year. I miss MITTENS oh so very much.
For crying out LOUD! Sarah Palin, people! Pulls in the woman’s vote, scores Alaska for the Democrats, and puts her on Wonkette practically every single day! Chuck Hegal? Blow me!
This just in: The guy in the Slim Jim ads: Not going to be the VP candidate.
Um, John Edwards?
Yeah, good luck making “too good looking” a negative.
Two words: Teddy Kennedy.
RaptorAvatar: Reasonably articulate older woman? That be Hilz!
totally off topic, but I heard Ed Rendell of Weekend Edition Sunday yesterday on NPR and he (Mr. I Love Hillary Obama Cannot Get Elected) said he’d like to be Sec of Housing “but not until I am finished being Gov”. Yeah, right, Ed, you’d have your bags packed and butt on the way to DC before the press release was issued. He is now Obama’s bestest buddy.
I keep saying this and saying this, but no one listens. Harrison Ford. He has gravitas, has played the president TWICE, is still cute, and is now fatherly. Or Sigourney Weaver, although it might piss off Hillary. She’s tough; tougher than Hillary; just look at how she handles those aliens. If we want to go all-black, former president and God Morgan Freeman would be perfect.
AngryBlakGuy: It would be more than cool to see all those guys in newly purchased seven button suits.
hopeforbill: I should have added, “who won’t assasinate him on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial.”
he already promised it to the feisty old granny from one of his rallies a while back, he wouldn’t want people to think he was a typical lying politician or anything like that. if picking her doesn’t get the old white woman vote back nothing will, plus who would be evil enough to vote against a ticket with their grandma on it? i’m pretty sure that killing the dreams of elderly women guarantees you a spot in hell, though with all the old women’s dreams barry pissed on in the primary a spot next to him might not be so bad.
Jason_M: Morgan Freeman is too busy being God but the Sigourney Weaver from “Aliens” would be ultra-perfecto.
Jason_M: Clint Eastwood. He’s a moderate, he was a mayor, and he always kicks ass. All the time. He would totally p’own on Chuck Norris.
Former 4-Star General Wesley Kanne Clark (that’s right it’s kanne, not some pansy-ass middle name like sidney) WKC up in the Hizzzouse! Come on this is a no-brainer. This will show white-america that Obama isn’t going to turn this into a “Chocolate Nation” he was raised in a baptist church in Little Rock, Arkansas. Come on this is an olive branch to the white hillbillies since he was a White man who rose to the title of SUPREME Allied Commander. They’ll know who will be wearing the pants in that relationship.
sezme: Or better yet, someone already dead.
ronaldpagan: After a white woman simply seductively saying Harold’s Ford name on TV failed his political aspirations, I think the “Change We Aren’t Too Nervous to Implement” people in the Obama camp just think this picture http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/photo/2008/01/29/PH2008012902581.jpg is too problematic. Mind you, these are probably the same people who shoo Muslims from photo-ops and like to pretend his middle name is Hughie.
HeelingToPort: Mikulski would be awesome. She looks like an aggressive Weeble Wobble and (unlike teh Hillz) has a good grasp of the ‘importance’ of the position. Truly the nightmare scenario for all teh PUMAs.
Serolf Divad: Or Janet Napolitano….but why not Janet? She’s talented, won’t overshadow Hopey’s good looks, and can’t get anything useful done in this Mormon-filled, rightard state.
To get serious for a moment, Tim Kaine would be an awesome choice.
How about Geraldine Ferraro? She promises to get it right this time.
yellowdogdem: he has less experience than Barry and zero defense or foreign relations.
So, Kathleen Sebelius walks into a bar and the bartender says: Governor Sebelius, why the long face?
(Actually, I like Sebelius, or maybe Boxer would be a cool choice, but I think he’s going to pick a white guy from the midwest or the south. How about Jimmy Carter? He only had one term, so it’s legal. And, surprisingly, he’s still alive. If he wants to pick somebody with a funny name just to keep the juvenile morans here happy, how about former Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack?)
I have worried about the pimping vibe if Obama goes with a white woman, particularly if she is his age or younger. I think he will have to go with Maxine Waters or Eleanor Holmes Norton.
Seriously: I’ve been saying Hagel would be the perfect Obama VP for months now. The fact that he’s a Republican, from the Bible-belt AND a vocal critic of Bush can only help Obama win over the Bitters.
Srsly.
Monsieur Grumpe: Obama/Bloomberg ‘08!
Prodigalson1982:
Not after yesterday’s comments. Talk about talking your way off a ticket. He’s now “loose cannon” Clark. Or Wesley “Kan(not) ever happen” Clark.
Prodigalson1982: It’s Kanne because that was his birth father’s name…also his father was Jewish and died when he was four. He was raised by his mother and Baptist stepfather, and then became a Catholic when he married Gert. How’s that for multicultural?
Doglessliberal: And he’s funny, too!
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/opinions/biographies/richard-cohen.html
Ah, nevermind. Wrong Richard Cohen.
who is this mormon jesus you people always talk about?
Buster Highman:
Mikulski would be an awesome choice but it won’t happen for a few reasons:
1 - she’d be nuts to give up her powerful current position
2 - the far left doesn’t like Barb much, because of some rather centrist positions she’s taken especially regarding national security
3 - Rove et al. will immediately try to smear her on her lifestyle. When she first ran for the Senate, the Republicans kept pointing out that she’s an old maid whose closest friend/companion is a Belgian woman. This implies both that Barb may be gay and probably has been lured into eating mayo on french fries. In Maryland, folks greeted the idea of Barb consorting with a woman of either Flemish and Walloon extraction with a shrug. This indifference was because Barb has a kick-ass recipe for crab cakes (http://mikulski.senate.gov/crabcake.html). A good crab cake recipe and a lot can be over looked.
ladymacbeth: “who is this mormon jesus you people always talk about?”
The one who showed up in North America after the he was in the Middle East, and told folks that when Indians are converted, they turn white.
Joey Ratz: yeah, i don’t know about that Richard Cohen’s wife. The Richard Cohen I meant might bring too much sassy black woman to the White House when you mix his wife and Michelle. The country might not be ready for that.
http://www.washingtonlife.com/issues/holiday-2006/2007-social-list/images/2007-social-list08.jpg