Wonkette
So Iowa is underwater forever, and to the nation’s shock, FEMA has sent out emergency response teams — to help! This is only the second time in world history that FEMA has helped anyone, the other being the time they released that “How To Deal With Satellites That Crash Into Your Skull” manual. Perhaps they could create a follow-up manual now called “How To Deal With FEMA Emergency Contractors Who Arbitrarily Beat The Shit Out Of You With Golf Clubs, In Iowa, After Trying To Hit You With Their Cars.” Because! An Incident!
Vincent Koley is a 74-year-old coot employee of Alltech, a Virginia company that “has provided housing inspection services in emergency or disaster areas to FEMA since 1995.” Koley’s work has dispatched him in Iowa, to save drowning Butter Cows.
It is very hard work even for old altruists like Koley, who sometimes drift off into Comas of Self-Doubt:
Koley was driving south on First Street SW when he nearly hit Penford employee Tom Kramer in the crosswalk in front of the plant at 10th Avenue SW, police said. Kramer, 54, of Lisbon, was able to get out of the vehicle’s way without being hit, and pushed off the side of the car.
Oopsies! Well, we’ve all hit people with cars while daydreaming before, so what’s the big deal? The big deal is that Koley’s with FEMA, and when FEMA wants to hit you with a car, YOU LET THAT CAR HIT YOU GODDAMNIT:
Koley stopped the car and jumped out, police said. Kramer told him to slow down and that he was in the cross walk. Koley replied that “he didn’t have to slow down, he was with FEMA,” police said. The two argued for a minute, and when Kramer turned to walk away, Koley took a golf club out of his car and struck Kramer across the arm, breaking the golf club.
Koley got back into his car, but numerous Penford employees observed the incident and surrounded the car so Koley couldn’t leave, police said. Koley then began to nudge his car forward, forcing Kramer, who was in front of the car, onto the car’s hood.
Well Kramer and his little mob friends should just be happy that they have roads on which to drive, after Koley personally used his FEMA powers to drink all of the floodwater out of Iowa, and back into New Orleans’ lower ninth ward.
McCain’s pick for VP FTW.
Scalia later released a majority opinion (5-4) that FEMA does not, in fact, have to slow down for mere citizens, who are probably liberal Muslims Democrats anyway.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Did he use a John McCain golf club?
Wouldn’t a golf club break an arm, not vice versa?
Who the fuck brings golf clubs to a flood zone?
“God damn it, I took this FEMA job to HELP PEOPLE, you ungrateful piece of soaking wet shit! Take THAT … *smack* … and THAT … *smack* … and THAT and THAT and THAT *smacksmacksmack* Now, here’s some money. Go buy a new trailer or somethin’.”
I bet FEMA would have tried harder in Iowa, but since Obama won the caucuses they figured Iowa was full of black people.
Nasara: Someone with a love of water hazards? Perhaps it was just his driver.
Nasara: How else do you fight off the muskrats?
is he in cahoots with the wombats or beavers or muskrats or whatever the hell ate up the levees?
Helluva job, Koley.
ronaldpagan: Maybe it was a minature golf club?
I’m frightened that I’ve been to Iowa enough to know, from the small area of roof in the background, that that man is standing in front of a Casey’s.
Nasara: Decrepit FEMA assholes?
Not cool, Koley — you know how it looks when FEMA bigshots rough up pedestrians in disaster areas, don’t you? They look like they’re so unprestigious and unpowerful that they probably have to get their own coffee. Next time have your security detail rough the little bastard up after you’re gone.
Well ya know what this means. It’s only a matter of time before Chimpy gives Koley a Medal of Freedom.
ronaldpagan: Was it an iron, or a wood?
I smell a promotion!
Possible McCain VP?
This post is utterly fucking awesome. That’s all. Jim Newell gets 8 whore diamonds.
Well….if that’s who FEMA is hiring, it would explain a lot about why New Orleans isn’t in better shape following Hurricane Katrina. It would also explain the rise in crime — those police statistics don’t say so, but I imagine “sport accessory-related homicides” have seen a 1000% increase since 2005. Thanks, Koley!
tunamelt: It’s really impossible to tell without seeing his stance, his grip or his follow-through.
SayItWithWookies: Oops — that was for RonaldPagan — goes to show I can’t multitask.
Did his nose always look like that? or is that where the golf club hit?
Stupid non-elitists. Don’t you know anything about golf scoring?
Birdie = 1-under par
Bogey = 2-under par
Albatross = 3-under par
Kramer = 4-under par
Jim, please limit Wonkette members to those with USGA cards. Thank you.
Iowa
“The Iowa Fight Song”
The word is fight, fight, fight in Iowa
Let every golf club from FEMA swing
The word is fight, fight, fight in Iowa
Until the walls and sandbags fail.
Come on and drive, drive, drive over Iowa
We’ll yell until he runs over us with his truck
The word is fight, fight, fight in Iowa
Until the club is bust.
1974 (again): Too bad it wasn’t a Kum and Go!
Nasara: A lazy-ass contractor, that’s who.
Obvs, FEMA failed to distribute Coot Protection Kits as per spec. Oh, when will this tragedy end?!
Its weird…
FEMA’s always there to get money, but they have this strange way of not spending it….
Need money for golf I suppose.
Check out those gin blossoms on that beak! I haven’t seen a nose that red since Ted Ke….uh…WC Fields!
Just think, in a McCain administration all these FEMA guys would just be blanket replaced with whichever Blackwater rapist did the best on his swim test.
On the plus side, I heard Vinny’s shirt looked fantastic, especially with the sleeves rolled up all purposey-like.
“I don’t have to slow down, I’m with FEMA.”
I cannot wait to try this on my next encounter with the ladies.
So that’s what Bill Murray’s been up to.
yall got this story all wrong…thats just a fun lil game the kids play down here in New Orleans…
one kid yells “im from FEMA” and the others whack at him with golf clubs, bats, 2×4’s…whatevers laying around…until he yells “trailer”…
theres a variation which involves yelling “im from the Corp of Engineers”…THATS when you try to hit him with a car…
sounds like Koleys was just trying to be friendly, but is an inexperienced player…and got confused about his role in the game…
shortsshortsshorts: Personally Shorts, I found that comment thread on Patriots and Traitors to be an all time winner. I especially liked fucking up their comment board with posts about shitting your pants and seeing the face of Jesus in the mess. That and the post about shitting on gay people being in the constitution. Utterly shameless.
KevoTron: Truck NUTZ!!!!!!!1! forever.
shortsshortsshorts: Word. I’m having the most boring goddamn day at work. It’s being spent listening to music and bullshitting on blogs. I think I’ll go jerk off on company time.
1974 (again): if an Iowan shops anywhere but Casey’s General Store, you can’t trust him…surprisingly, Koley knew this bit of folk wisdom and was just trying to blend in (a shy and proud people, Iowans don’t accept help from strangers).
unfortunately, his bad attitude and golf bag revealed that he was, indeed, an outsider.
“I’ll need you to step aside while I fuck your wife and use your dog for target practice. Nothing to worry about tho’, I’m with FEMA!!”
I applaud FEMA for contracting this work out. Your normal government worker would would have been too lazy or incompetent to get out of the car and try to finish Kramer off.
KevoTron: I thought that was what everybody on Wonkette does?
tunamelt: He used one of McCain’s actual golf clubs from his days as a golf pro with his caddy Bagger Vance. Which is why the club disintegrated like so much ancient rust across the other guy’s arm.
Nothing like a FEMA contractor coming into a flood zone and explaining to the locals that the laws no longer applies, anarchy rules.
We got the governance that even Zimbabwe can learn from!
FEMA Powers, ACTIVATE!!! Form of… an a**hole!
“golf club…struck Kramer across the arm, breaking the golf club”
Kramer’s like a Popeye that runs on corn.
God bless poor James Lee Witt. He spent eight years building up a crony dumping ground into a federal agency that, y’know, managed emergencies, and now these twits have made it even worse than it was when he got there!
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Jim Newell,
Oh my, the Bush Administration has gone too far this time. The speed limit no longer applies to FEMA employees. This guy looks like he cuts his own hair and must have cheap golf clubs. It’s hard to envision that he could break a golf club at all…under any circumstances.
I can hear President Bush now, “You’re doing a helluva job Lollypop! (Bush likes FEMA employees to have pet names.)
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark
uncletravelingmatt: Thanks for the best laugh I’ve had in several days.
ronaldpagan: “Wouldn’t a golf club break an arm…?”
A proper Tiger Woods golf club would do that. This musta been a Pussy Wood. They issue those to Federal employees before sending them on boondoggles to flooded golf courses.
Addition to personal disaster survival kit: firearms, to kill any FEMA employee that shows up to help me in fire, flood, famine, or election year.
I had no idea that Grant Wood also took photographs.
nbawriter:
Eagle = Infinitely under par.
What an elitist asshole, using a golf club and all. Why not just use a polo mallet? Real amerricans get the job done wit a wiffle ball bat, dammit!
I guess the old FEMA guy could be called a water hazard and was just playing through with a 3 iron.
Doing heckuva job, koley.
Apparently Mr FEMA doesn’t know that lots of Iowans have shotguns in their homes.
Zhu Bajie
Koley spends his off-time pegging the neighborhood kids in the head with his awesome lawn darts.
OT: but I cannot stop laughing. I really. Cannot. Stop.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9rOF-j1L0vE
Koley is retired from Blackwater. He thinks he is still immune from prosecution.
Lieberman’s been looking like hell lately.
TGY: Nice. Win.
Bill Murray is looking bad these days…
Look, the fact that he stopped his car, and got out, and hit this lowlife with a golf club shows he really cares.