Wonkette
Wonkette Semi-Aquatic Rodent Operative “Claiborne” asks this very important question, and the answer is: because they are terrorists. New evidence reveals that violent extremist muskrats perpetrated today’s breach of the levees north of St. Louis. Shocking video footage of these terrorists plotting their takeover of Missouri, after the jump.
America doesn’t stand a chance against these monsters.
Emmet Otter’s Jug Band Christmas - Barbeque [YouTube]
Floodwaters breach Mississippi River levee [CNN]
The flooding is from the tears I shed every time Emmet Otter’s jug band gets a-playin’.
HOLY SWEET JESUS.
Forget Bin Laden, this is surely the end of us. Everyone get in your SUVs and hit as many of these mangy fuckers as you can!
This is just the latest story that proves the animals are plotting against us. A few years ago, it was giant fish jumping into boats in Florida and injuring or killing people (really, it happened), and then there are rampaging wild boars in Germany on an annual basis, and on a more morale-affecting and less dangerous level, we have beavers chopping down iconic cherry trees around the Tidal Basin in DC. The stories are countless. I am telling you, they are all conspiring to take over. (and, really, given the way we are running things, who can blame them?)
Make Muskrat Love not Muskrat War.
I have not seen evil such as this since Fozzie Bear.
Mr. President, we must not allow a muskrat gap!
Well I for one welcome our new muskrat overlords.
See, you all chase away Rumsfeld, and now the terrorist have won.
So now PETA and not Reagan/Bush will be blamed for God’s gay marriage wrath. Great.
…as 27 year old heterosexual male, I never thought I would say this. But after watching that video I HATE BEAVERS!
“And as I was sucked under by the current, I could have sworn I heard a muskrat laughing at me…”
And they whirl and they twirl they terrorize,
Dreaming of the heavens above, feels like, Muskrat lies.
Muskrats are bad enough, but what about nutria? Damn illegal immigrants from Latin America they are.
AngryBlakGuy: HA! Finally the truth is REVEALED.
It doesn’t take a hurricane to wipe out a levy, it only takes a few ambitious muskrats. The Army Corps of Engineers must be feeling pretty stupid about now.
Thank God that we can have our hand guns to protect us.
PrairiePossum: it’s just payback for what they did to the southwest. those frothy fucks.
I suppose Obama wants to pursue a strategy of appeasement and negotiation with these terrorists while they chew holes in our levees.
In the Global War On Rodents (GWOR), you’re either with us or against us.
Send these stinky. greasy varmints back to Mexico, or wherever the hell they came from.
Paultardville: McCain would launch a preemptive strike on these muskrat levee burrows. now THAT would show ‘em not to mess with ‘merica
RODENTS DID WTC
This is so wrong.
I think we’re all missing the most dangerous part of all this. Muskrats have apparently figured out how to manufacture clothing and tools.
AngryBlakGuy:…and yes, I did just confuse a “Musk Rat” and a “Beaver”. But who cares they are both large, semi-aquatic, borrowing, rodents; so close enough! Right?
shortsshortsshorts: …don’t worry brother, my testicles will re-descend come 4 o’clock this afternoon when I hit happy hour!
I can see the conservative thought train belching its “Dickens Dust” and creaking along the tracks now:
Breached levees is terrorism.
Levees are breached by muskrats.
Muskrats are animals.
Animals are protected by environmentalists.
Environmentalists are pussies.
Liberals are pussies.
Hussein Obama teh Moos-lim is a liberal.
MEANING: Obama is secretly in league with terrorist muskrats, who are MUSLIM, and who want to establish a “swamp-iphate” in the United States of Amur’ca.
Well, before they drown us all, let me be the first to say:
I, for one, welcome our new damp, furry overlords. Oh, and praise Allah!
Does anyone know whether Dick Cheney has 6 fingers and killed my father?
This war with all rodents is just going to empower the sewer rats and undermine our friends, the bunnies. Instead of fighting, we should offer them nuts and watercress and cheese, and technology to help them advance their civilization.
Paultardville: damn it, you beat me to it!
AngryBlakGuy: As a woman, I’m very offended that you would confuse anything with “rat” in it with beaver. And isn’t musk a mail thing?
Emmitt Otter’s Jugband Christmas is a crime against humanity. They probably use it at Gitmo against the real hardcases.
As for the Muskrats? Send the 101st Waddling Huckabees there. They’ll make a nice terroist stew in no time.
OBAMA IS A CRYPTO-MUSKRAT!
AngryBlakGuy: …close enough! Right?
Absolutely. That is why “W” just declared war on India. We mjust have our revenge on those damn elephants.
I’m sorry, but it’s hard for me to get worked up over a furry, wet beaver.
I had wondered, How did Shrub acquire that black eye some years ago? And what exactly caused Cheney to misfire his shotgun?
For a second there, I thought it was “Ehud Olmert’s Jug Band”, which made the levee story more confusing, but the Israeli election thing a lot clearer.
I read an email that McCain is secretly a muskrat.
Brutus Harlot: …well rat rhymes with cat and cat is an euphemism for pussy which is an euphemism for vagina! Match and point, I win!!!
Well, call off the elections! It’s a June Surprise…
Brutus Harlot: mmm. Beaver…
Al-Musqaeda
Did Captain and Tenille get back together? Is he wearing his hat again?
Doglessliberal: The squirrels in my backyard have been acting kind of, well, squirrelly lately.
Obama is a muslim.
Obama is a Democrat.
Muslim + Democrat = Muskrat
Muskrats like dikes.
Clearly, Obama is a lesbian terrorist.
uncletravelingmatt: I like that more literal parsing, kudos
uncletravelingmatt: WIN. WIN WIN WIN. Many prizes for you.
uncletravelingmatt: Have you ever considered a position in conservative punditry?
uncletravelingmatt: I bow to your mastery of the logical ’sillygism’.
John Mccain will make every muskrat into a hat, saving America from terrorism and cold ears.
An electric bass instead of the washtub shown, cutesy girly voices and Nashville factory production; Gus Cannon died for these sins! Not even the decency to play “Muskrat Ramble,” the premier paen to that oft-trapped rodent (but not trapped oft-enough, obviously). I bet if the police were allowed to question these animals about their immigration status, they would turn out to be nutria!!
Terry: I haven’t seen any Nutria around lately - I wonder if that means *gasp* that Al Mus-Krat has been recruiting around here……..
This is far more complex than the Army Corps of Engineers considered.
There once were three groups of rodent, the Beavers who want to build dams, the Muskrats who want to tear down dams, and Sewer Rats who just want to swim in the damn water.
We came in on the side of the Beaver, so now we must expect to bear the brunt of the insurgent Muskrat’s displeasure. And we need expect little help from the Sewer Rats or the Beavers, not after using the kin of the former in laboratory testing, and spending several centuries wearing the fur of the latter’s dead grandpappies on our heads.
Doglessliberal: growing stray cat populations and decreasing numbers of deer-shaped roadkill suggest that this is true.
cats, aloof but never shy, could be considered downright brazen these days. as for the deer: clearly automobile accidents have eliminated those with the most pronounced freeze-in-headlights extinct, leaving their more traffic-savvy relatives.
it’s taken animal populations awhile to catch up but time will tell which of us will be “naturally selected” for extinction.
Brutus Harlot: Don’t know if Cheney has six fingers, but there is a good chance he killed your father.
You city folk must have never been learned that a Muscrat is a Muslim Beaver.
Terry:
Nutria are damn fine eating, though. Not like muskrat, which tends to expand in the pot; by the time it’s tender enough to chew it’s about perfect to be thrown out. More like squirrel, though squirrel just creeps me out.
Bobby Jindal has the look of a man who has eaten a Nutria or two in his time, dont’cha think? Perhaps even a feral kitty cat. He and Jim Webb might could trade recipes. Now there’s Gravitas that makes its own gravy.
And remember, as Deacon Mushrat used to say, “apres midi le deluge.”