Wonkette
American hero Ted Haggard, the former pastor of a MEGACHURCH in Colorado Springs who quit in 2006 after fucking male prostitutes while on meth, has finally finished his holy “Spiritual Restoration” program, and can do whatever he wants. And all he wants to do is bang his wife and worship Jesus and live in his old house, with Jesus! [AP]
He’s not gay, like Mike Piazza’s not gay.
There’s a stamp on his head that says “100% Not Gay” and a sign on his ass that says “Under New Management”
But does Jesus get to bang his wife?
Hahahaha. Ha. Haha. Sigh.
He should lobby the administration for No Homo Behinds Left
I’m sure the lobotomy didn’t hurt that much. And the saltpeter actually tastes pretty good on eggs.
Actually Ted loves it when Jesus is hanging around the pool with that itty bitty number he’s so fond of wearing.
What can I say? It’s a fucking miracle.
Is Larry Sinclair still in jail?
Should read “all he wants to do is bang Jesus and worship his wife Jesus and live in his Jesus.”
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Z-Hing!
Haggart now worships the flying spaghetti monster. Come all ye afflicted with homo disease, take hold of his noodly appendages! His Starchiness doth not judge, only wrap you in gooey goodness. Leave off thy cock loving ways, and suck on a better noodle.
Countdown to the next bust with meth and boys…
Now he can go back to his happy wife, who we’ll probably never meet because she lives in Canada.
Actually it’s more like he divorced the homo rehab program he was in — it was supposed to last five years, but he couldn’t go through with it once he realized he’d have to give up the cock.
He’s moved on to fundie frottage. He throws on his baptizin’ robes and aggressively “hugs” the cross until he feels the spirit move through him.
So your saying there’s hope for me and my meth/male prostitute problem?
I hear Jesus has some awesome hook ups too.
Him and Larry Craig are getting a bathhouse together.
The best way to cure The Gay is to take a bunch of sex-starved homos and put them together in a secluded camp for a few weeks with nothing to do.
SayItWithWookies: They probably kick him out and pronounce him “cured” regardless, It’s not as if they have any reality or effectiveness to back those institutions. Jewdishoowary Square: There’s no way they were ever sleeping in the same bed anyway.
Damn and he missed Disney’s Gay Days by a week and a half…..
AnnieGetYourFun: Yeah, while Ted watches. He’s not touching that.
…does he at least get to screw his wife in the bunghole?
…or maybe some strap-on action?
FunkyPalmettoBug: Wouldn’t it be quaint if Haggard, Foley and Craig (is that all of them?) moved in together and talked about how they’re “totally not gay at all and are 100% pussy loving, God fearing breeders”?
That would make awesome reality television. We could call it “the misunderstood life” or something.
Yeah, he’s not gay the way I no longer like Dorito’s spicy sweet corn chips. I’d eat them if they were here. But I have to work too hard and travel too far to find a store that has them.
Plus, if I got caught going through all that trouble, I’d be laughed at.
Substitute “cock” for Dorito’s spicy sweet corn chips and you’ve got Ted’s situation.
Dawn at the Haggards’:
Act I, Scene 1, The Haggards’ kitchen
Mrs. Haggard: (In nightgown, hair in curlers, calling) Honey, how do you want your eggs this morning?
Ted: (offstage) Mmphghh, gaaaa!
Mrs. Haggard: Oh Ted! Did you wake up with someone’s cock in your mouth again?
That’s as far as I’ve got.
reminds me of this hilarious sketch from Mr. Show
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRT3zs23sLk
That’s odd, I know a gang-banger named Jesus. Maybe they can partyyyyyyy.
I have a new-found respect for Haggard after this graf:
“Haggard and church officials clashed last summer after Haggard sent an e-mail to a Colorado Springs television station outlining his plans to work as a counselor at a Christian-run halfway house in Phoenix. The e-mail also solicited financial support.”
Big brass ones on that guy — the minute he gets out of his fundie cure-the-ghey program, he sends an email to leaders indicating he wants to work with a whole bunch of runaways in Phoenix. Hot, sexy runaways, no doubt with meth connections. And then he wants donations to help pay for it!
That’s it. I’m sending a blast email around work to let me watch porn during working hours.
this screams Clockwork Orange treatment
PoliticalGraffiti: IT’S A SIN!
NoWireHangers: Yes, right next to the tatoo on his ass that says “Fill to level”.
KevoTron: Gold jerry! Gold! Maybe cut in clips of them blowing each other as they talk about how straight they are.
Here’s a joke I heard when Foley got busted:
Why don’t Republicans use bookmarks? Because they just bend the pages over.
Ha! Get it!
FunkyPalmettoBug: I can hear Haggard saying “what? Just cause a guy hires a male escort to give him a backrub he’s GAY? This is not the America I know…”
KevoTron: “Just because I hire man to massage my sack and fill me out like an application means I’m GAY? The founding fathers are CRYING!”
The headline fails. Read the article. He didn’t “finish” the program. He LEFT is BEFORE finishing and is NO LONGER associated with the New Life Church, presumably to pursue his cocksucking ways.
Now he can get back to the important work of cocksucking.
So he’s giving up meth and sticking to poppers?
flyingspaghettimonster: “I love all of you!”
I wish I was there when he projectile vomited all the cum he’s guzzled up over the years Exorcist-style! It’s the best part of Spiritual Restoration.
AngryBlakGuy: It took forever to convince his wife to take meth, too.
Please, please, please give John McCain a big gay hug.
Gettin’ real with the Bible beaters ain’t all that cool if you’re trying to shake that itchy feeling you get every time you see a bicycle messenger in those to-die-for shorts. I figure Ted and a few Spiritual Advisers got down with the Scripture every morning and about the time they’d start reading about all the queers in Sodom pounding on Lot’s door to open up and let them at those GORGEOUS angels they’d seen sunning themselves on Lot’s roof…Well, ol’ Ted probably started to shake a little, and the spit would dribble off his lip, and then they read about Lot offering the nipple-clamped, big-dicked crowd his virgin daughter instead, but no, HELL NO, the crowd wanted to root under those big wings and get some first-class, never-been-rimjobbed angel ass for dinner…and by then Ted, of course, had just lost it, jumped off the balcony and started blow-jobbing his way back to Colorado where he knew exactly where the rent-a-cocks hang. Just my guess of course.
give me five minutes with him in an airport restroom
bmannes: I really like the part where he gets a shiny new cherry on his ass.
I know Ted’s still gay. He got a hard-on when I buttfucked him.
/Truly Tasteless Jokes Vol. 3
A friend of mine told me that there is no cure for beening gay except to spend a weekend with his ex-boyfriend. I think he was joking, but I do know that one of my old girlfriends could cure the heteroness out of a lot of guys. Hey! Maybe she’s Teds wife?
Haggard is a failed NoMo, the ‘restoration program’ of the New Life Church has been Left Behind, and Ted has been born again as an Homo Secular, or do mean Homo Suckler.
I won’t believe it until his man-hymen grows back.
Mister richard smoker, you’re a poopy poker
Chardonnay & cocaine in the spa
Cigarettes and coffee breath
Little boys on crystal meth
Tonight we’ll tango in the street
You eat dark meat.
Ween, Richard Smoker, from 12 Golden Country Classics
Just sayin….
Whats the hardest part about a meth addiction?
Telling your wife that your gay.
DangerousLiberal: Could be my fave band. In Brooklyn next month.
shortsshortsshorts: No. The hardest part is telling your wife you traded sex for drugs with shortshortshorts.
Say what you will, at least the man would always offer the courtesy of a reach-around.
gliberal: The very definition of a gentleman.
How come Jesus only cures gay meth addicts?
At least the Hagard is topping his wife again. Whew! That’s one off our to-do list.
You know, Jesus hung out with 12 other guys all the time, always wore a robe and a sash, never slept with a woman, and his mother thought he was god. I mean, I’m just sayin’ . . .
I wish Haggard would just start a polygamist sect so he could make me one of his wives. I am still very fecund after all these years.
American Dreamer: Why hello, Tony.
American Dreamer: HA! Tony! Don’t get IP Banned you bastard. Get an offensive but acceptable identity before they send you to the dogs.
weirdiowasculpture: Yeah, the Last Supper was a total Sausage Fest!
shortsshortsshorts: So, the bitch is back, I guess.
Smoke Filled Roommate: If you stun her enough, she’ll behave.
Whatever troll is fucking with me, I hope you’re Cheney, a reputable agent and a piece of trash with bags of money. Why does shorts have responses I haven’t made directly and appear to be hacked with some swine-underbelly? Are you Nazi bastards?
If Ted starts volunteer coaching for the local high school wrestling program, starting off each class by ripping his sweats off, flexing in a shiny gold lamé singlet while howling, “Come get some, boys!” I’m going to have a firm talking to with the principal. Because Coach Haggard will definitely have a righteous stash of meth in his locker.
trai_dep: That happen a lot at your local high schools?
I’m sorry, but I have to turn off my gaydar whenever Haggard is around. He redlines the needle every time. The only way he’s “cured” is if they left him in the smokehouse for too long at gay camp. ‘Course at gay camp, I imagine the “smokehouse” would be the place to be…
Hey Jim, can we get a picture of him, post-meth face? I’d like to see if he “preserved his sexy” for Jesus.
Oh. Good.
I’m thinking the Gay community is pretty happy he’s now claiming to be on the other team.
Whore Diamond in the Rough: No no no. He might no longer be gay, but he still loves Teh Meth.
Look, if he’d just worship a two-foot tall bronze monkey idol like us decent folk, there wouldn’t be a problem now would there?
I’m a psychotherapist and writer in New York City and just published an article on gay men relapsing on crystal methamphetamine. Not sure if it is of interest to you, but thought I’d send it along.
Thank you!
Gay City News
Everyday A Challenge
By: CHRISTOPHER MURRAY
06/26/2008
So what happened with gay men and meth? A couple of years ago everyone was in a panic. Eighth Avenue was crowded with bus stop posters decrying the scourge that was crystal methamphetamine, it seemed like everyone knew someone who had just lost their job or soul to Tina, brunch pals were dropping like flies. Health officials and community activists made the direst possible predictions about the perfect storm of meth and HIV, not to mention flesh-eating, drug-resistant bacterial infections. Yikes!
Well, the truth is that meth, like crack cocaine, is still around and still wreaking havoc in the lives of gay men and others; it’s just gone underground. The public panic has waned, as it always does - a point this newspaper’s Duncan Osborne has taken pains to point out - and all the hoopla has subsided into the daily grind of users using and former users struggling to stay clean.
FULL ARTICLE AT:
http://christophermurray.org/WritingBlog.html