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Fruitcake...so gross.You know who hates edible Christmas gifts and loves the New Testament? James Dobson, that’s who! And that’s why he despises Barack Obama and his delicious fruitcake Constitution for pointing out that Leviticus says a lot of wacky shit about shellfish. Wait, did that last bit make zero sense? Then it still makes one million times more sense than what Focus on the Family’s leader will be saying on his radio program today.

Here are some other things he has to say about Your Barry, according to an ADVANCE COPY of the segment:

  • “I think he’s deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology.”
  • “He is dragging biblical understanding through the gutter.”
  • Obama, a Constitutional law professor, subscribes to “a fruitcake interpretation of the Constitution.”

James Dobson also hates John McCain and will probably sit out voting for president altogether this time, so there’s that. MORE FRUITCAKE FOR THE REST OF US.

Dobson accuses Obama of ‘distorting’ Bible [AP]

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96 COMMENTS

  1. [re=23130]FMA[/re]: Why did you have to put that image in my head?

    I don’t like fruitcake constitution. Can I have Pineapple upsidedown cake constitution instead, Jimmy?

  2. Hey Dobson, if thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. If the remaining eye likewise offends thee, rinse and repeat. I read that somewhere and it seems like righteous advice.

  3. He and David Duke and Pat Robertson and Pat Buchanan and the head of that group that protests military funerals, somehow connecting them to gay marriage, all need to be thrown into a pit with some hungry creatures that take a long time to eat them and cause great pain. I cannot think of which creatures right now. Maybe pirhanas, but that might be too quick.

  4. So where are the cries of sexism now? How many different ways can people keep trying to emasculate him and basically call him Gay?

    Too Gay to be President?

    C’mon people.

  5. [re=23135]XOMuffintop[/re]: I’m surprised he didn’t call it a Devil’s Food Cake version… or maybe suggesting Obama has a “white devil’s food cake” interperetation.

  6. [re=23144]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Yeah, but he shouldn’t blame his mansplash stains on his Bible on Barry. He brought it down into the gutter with him.

  7. [re=23130]FMA[/re]: Damn, beat me to it!

    [re=23136]freakishlystrong[/re]: I’d send him a Buddy Christ figure for his radio desk.

    It seems they’re getting their messages confused. So…Barry is a Mooz-lim and he distorts the Bible? Can’t we just blame it on his secret monkey god instead?

    [re=23145]Doglessliberal[/re]: I bet we’ll eventually catch Dobson, Duke, & Robertson greased up and in an inflatable pool engaged in good ol’ wrasslin’ any day now. I think that would be more fitting than any violence, no?

    [re=23144]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I’m starting to become convinced that for conservatives/religious nuts, the amount you rail against something is directly proportional to how much you masturbate to it.

  8. I want hotfudge cake Constitution. (really I love hotfudge cake, with ice cream, yumm!)Why is Barry even thinking about taking to this wack job or his minions?

  9. [re=23145]Doglessliberal[/re]: There’s that time-lapse video on YouTube of the dead gecko being eaten to the bone by ants. I think it took the hungry critters about 24 hours. James Dobson would take weeks. Does that suffice?

  10. [re=23155]Doglessliberal[/re]: Jesus…that’s like that “Bloody Mary” game we used to play in the mirror when we were kids…

  11. “I think he’s deliberately distorting the traditional understanding of the Bible to fit his own worldview, his own confused theology.”

    Is Dobson talking about himself here? It sounds like it.

  12. I personally welcome the return of the laws from Leviticus. Nothing would make this country better than requiring menstruating women to sacrifice turtles.

  13. I don’t know about the rest of you, but we totally regift fruitcake in my home. And the idea of regifting the Constitution is more Paultard than Hopey.

  14. [re=23159]loudmouthredhead[/re]: that would be great, but unfortunately, they’d probably all plead demonic possession and go off to counseling and come back and be forgiven.

  15. Yeah, you’d never want to imply that the Bible, you know, implies that we should be helping the sick and the meek. It’s merely a 2,000 page book on why God hates queers. Ye-fucking-haw.

  16. [re=23174]Doglessliberal[/re]: See, but then they’d get Bobby Jindal in on the fun!
    “The power of Christ com….aw, hell, grease me up fellas!”

  17. [re=23159]loudmouthredhead[/re]: …yeah, I figured that out a little while ago too. Inside the psyche of these bible thumper’s there is a raging, cross dressing, ball gag wearing, butt plug using, little boy fondling, bestiality loving freak fighting its way to the surface(or something equally taboo). And the only way they know how to control it, is by seeking a “relationship” with god and vicariously self hating!

  18. Barack Obama supports a Constitutional amendment that would transpose the definitions of “fruit” and “toffee.”

    Therefore, I support his fruitcake interpretation of the Constitution, and yes it is “ch-ch-ange I c-c-can believe in.”

  19. Atheism is about the only worldview you CAN’T distort the bible to fit… Oddly enough, however, the thought of fruitcake is making me crave Christmases past.

  20. Sarah, Wonketeers, more, more, more! Of snarking and bashing and exposing these fraudulent hypocritical Right wing family-value losers!!
    In case of this spank-fetish sadist and child-abusing self-righteous jerk-off, who never could shake off the bullies who called him FRUITCAKE on the Louisiana playgrounds, I say. go forth, James, and multiply all the fruitflies orbiting around your smelly buttseckesed anus.

    And we’ll never forget your lame attempts to defend Mark Foley either.
    http://mediamatters.org/items/200610060004

    Cocksucker.

  21. [re=23160]heathenish[/re]: Why is Barry even thinking about taking to this wack job or his minions?

    I think it’s called real world trolling. Obama shoots! Obama scores! Dobson’s head explodes.

    Every time I think I couldn’t admire Barry’s politic stratgey 2.0 any more, he goes and transcends himself again.

  22. What Barry is saying is in line with everything I have ever heard in mainline Protestant churches in the Congregational (United Church of Christ), Episcopalian, and Unitarian traditions. It’s actually pretty amazing how much the southern Baptists and evangelical fundies hate mainline Protestanism with its emphasis on the actual, you know, teachings of Christ (rather than the hating of gays).

    Point is, Dobson is the fruitcake, and Obama is more of a Christian than he will ever be. Sorry for the lack of snark.

  23. [re=23196]nhunter[/re]: politic stratgey

    Ahem. “Political strategy”. Barry’s political genius has made my fingers go numb.

    There’s nothing like a good “reaching out” on top of their exploding sense of desperation this election season to flush out the hysterical weirdos so everyone can get a good look at them and their odious views in the clear light of day.

    Seriously, don’t expect anything but gushing admiration and typos from me today.

  24. My question is this:

    Is Dobson the type of Christian that knows which bible verse to recite while beating his children?

    Granted, if he has any they’re probably grown.

    Or, is he the the type of christian that only tows this line when it’s policically expedient?

  25. See, the problem is that no one makes their fruitcake constitution correctly.

    First, you have to marinate your constitution in brandy or cognac for about a month or so, then you bake your fruitcake constitution and then you marinade that in cognac for about another month or so.

    Much better than that brick-dense candied-fruit constitution that everyone sends aroud the holidays.

    Or at least, that’s how I make my fruitcake constitution.

  26. Everyone knows–or should know–that the US Constitution is a carrot cake, and the Declaration of Independence is a nice, thick layer of homemade cream cheese frosting. Yum! Tastes like liberty.

  27. [re=23215]Cranky Little Camperette[/re]: exactly–the real deal, not the fake fruitcake Constitution that uses neon colored alleged fruit, is lovely. They make it in the Caribbean with dark molasses, so it is almost black, uses dried pineapple and golden raisins, and is really, really rich. Oh, and you have to be able to get drunk off the fumes, too. Several months curing in the alcohol is key. The Italians make it, too, they just call it panforte so it sounds better.

  28. If Christ was to return to Earth tomorrow, Dobson would be the first to complain: needs a haircut, too radical, get a real job, put some shoes on, call those things clothes??? – y’all get the idea. If there wasn’t Christianity, Dobson would find another medium to be the loud-mouthed, lying, self-righteous, sanctimonious bigot that he is. It’s just that the Focus on the Family is such a perfect medium for his brittle hypocrisy.

  29. Look, if fruitcake wasn’t good enough for Jesus, then it’s not good enough for me.
    A fruit cake is made up of fruits and nuts.
    If Jesus wanted fruits and nuts he would have surrounded himself with such.

    Wait… he had 12 guys around him. .. all men….hmmm.

  30. [re=23225]nowukkers[/re]: Dobson would not like him, that is true–a long-haired unmarried male in his 30s who wore a dress and travelled around with 12 other male “friends”?

  31. [re=23208]MoodProcessor[/re]:
    Monday: Prov 13:24: “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: but he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes (diligently).”
    Tuesday: Prov 19:18: “Chasten thy son while there is hope, and let not thy soul spare for his crying.”
    Wednesday: Prov 22:15: “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; but the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”
    Thursday: Prov 23:13: “Withhold not correction from the child: for if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die.”
    Friday: Prov 23:14: “Thou shalt beat him with the rod, and shalt deliver his soul from hell (Shoel).”
    Saturday: Prov 29:15: “The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.”

    Kids don’t get beaten on Sunday, though sometimes they get a warning. Saturday’s is a good one, cuz the kid gets to blame his mom too.

  32. [re=23232]Darehead[/re]: Okay, I was thinking of a different rod… the kind with a Catholic priest affinity for, well, children.

  33. If the Old Testament doesn’t count, then I guess we’d have to rely upon all those times that Jesus spoke out against homosexuality.

    Oh, you mean he didn’t?

  34. [re=23232]Darehead[/re]: Thanks for the research. Btw, it’s important to pick the right thickness of the rod. Too thin, and hell doesn’t get beat out properly. Too thick, and the kid gets bruised.

  35. McCain also has not met with Dobson. A McCain campaign staffer offered Dobson a meeting with McCain recently in Denver, Minnery said. Dobson declined because he prefers that candidates visit the Focus on the Family campus to learn more about the organization, Minnery said.

    Gee, I can’t imagine why one WOULDN’T want to go to a righty nutwing Jeebus Freak compound to listen to some pissy old ‘Nilla rant about gays being accepted as human beings and the murder of millions of babies. That sounds like a splendid way to spend an afternoon.

  36. [re=23196]nhunter[/re]: Next he can goad David Duke into a 24-hour cable cum fest, then it’s God Hates Fags. All the Swift Boat wannabes will be gasping for air and drowned out by the Butt-Fuckathon of fringe lunatics stealing the spotlight and making Barry look perfectly ordinary and mainstream – for a Muslim terrorist…

  37. [re=23148]Doglessliberal[/re]: Yeah, but if this douche chill gets his wish we won’t need to worry about that pesky 1st ammendment and all will be happy on the angel everything front.

  38. Sara K. Smith: Just brushed my teeth, took my Ambien, getting already to slide of to z-z-z-z-land. Then suddenly, Oh No! I couldn’t have! I did! I spelled Sara with an “H”!!!! Don’t spare the rod, beat me into a fruitcake, please.

  39. [re=23149]ForeignSickSpecialist[/re]: Touche. Maybe next week he will just come out and say “Obama supports that cream in his coffee, arugala tinged, chocolate love constitution that, even though I know Jesus will hate me for it, I really want to fuck.” Followed by five seconds of a wet, flapping sound as Dobson brings himself to completiong on the air while a bunch of bitters listn on not knowing weather or not to join him in masturbating to “the new lord’s” strangely erotic constitution.

  40. [re=23244]Outstando[/re]:

    I’m sure he must have addressed gayness… it was probably in the same passages where he specifically addressed late-term abortion and the ethics of federally funded stem-cell research.

  41. [re=23211]Whore Diamond in the Rough[/re]: Yeah, that is why I didn’t suggest an eclair or Boston Cream Pie constitution. I didn’t want the right wing fuctard to think that not only was I a Hopey supporter, but from Taxachusets by way of France. That, I think would make thier heads explode like in Scanners.

  42. “You know who hates edible Christmas gifts and loves the New Testament? ”
    [re=23212]Outstando[/re]:

    Actually these guys pretty much totally repudiate the New Testament. They like the vengeance and domination and intricate rules of the Old. They’re only a little over 2,000 years behind.

  43. I am sending my world famous fruitcake to Jim and Ken for this christmas. What makes my fruitcake special is the “secret sauce”. Enjoy!

  44. [re=23213]tunamelt[/re]: I think we shoudl open a constitutional bakery where all Americans can get the pastery legal document of thier choosing and we can all swim in enough money to finally pay for all the SoCo, whore diamonds and Xbox games we will need to survive sharing air and resources with idiots like Dobson.

  45. [re=23265]Odd Ass City[/re]: Well, the slavery and the ban on shellfish is right out of the same Old Testament Leviticus that Dobson is telling us to ignore. But I agree that Dobson likes to cast himself in the role of an angry God.

  46. “Dobson and Minnery accused Obama of wrongly equating Old Testament texts and dietary codes that no longer apply to Jesus’ teachings in the New Testament.”

    So who is guilty of picking and choosing?

  47. [re=23212]Outstando[/re]: Don’t you remember the first page of the Christian Bible?

    “And Jesus doth come down from heaven and sayeth: Forget everything else you read in Bible 1: The Jewish Years. The Jews they goeth to hell. The gay people they goeth to hell. The Muslims who you will meet one day, they will goeth to hell. Oh, and one day, my followers will fight and there will be Catholics and they will goeth to hell too.”

  48. When did the AP put a spycam behind James “dragging biblical understanding through the gutter” Dobson’s bathroom mirror to catch the speech he gives about himself every morning?

    James “cut and paste from the bible only that which makes my topical political point” Dobson!?
    James “changing the tenants of my religion on the fly” Dobson!?
    James “let’s replace the fruitcake constitution with the bible” Dobson!?

    Fuck you, James “suck my ass you fucking hypocrite” Dobson.

  49. ….“a fruitcake interpretation of the Constitution.”

    You mean constitution we all politely accept, will last forever, and we will pawn off on all our other gift-loving nation freinds?

  50. I can’t hate Dobson this year. If he disavows both candidates and really does stay home on election day, it means a huge amount of dumbasses will stay home too.

  51. [re=23368]Big Al1317[/re]: It’s an interpretation of the Constitution that takes all the gay parts, like the Bill of Rights, seriously.

  52. The best part abut the article is that it points out that the segment is paid for by a tax-paying affiliate of Focus On The Family, and that it is thus OK for Dobson to talk about politics – like he’s ever stayed out of politics because of his church’s tax-exempt status. The hypocrisy here is somind-numbing that I no longer know what to say about it.

  53. So who does this actually hurt or help? In my mind, no zealot supported of Dobson would ever have thought about supporting Obama. On the other hand , having a zealot like Dobson condemn your campaign might be a good thing. Sort of like if Farakhan says you are no good, thats got to earn you some points with the “normal” and “moderate” crowd.

    mmmmm fruitcake…..aghghghghghhghg

  54. He’s simply throwing out homo-scented dog-whistle cues in the vain hope that that dreamy Ralph Reed will want to sleep over so Dobson can bob on sleepy Reed’s skinny, 3″ (yes, 3″ hard) cock.

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