Wonkette
Reporters were devastated this morning to find their best friend, John McCain, wearing two band-aids on the top of his head. Was he having some of his trademark cancer again? Worse! When he was in Canada, some shift-eyed car attacked him: “I was getting out of the car in Canada and I hit the roof a tiny bit, and the car was much smaller than the one I’m usually being ferried around in by the beloved Secret Service.” See, this is why *Americans* drive SUVs. That little extra gas money is a fair price, since they offer such foolproof protection from hitting your head against the roof so badly that it bleeds. [CNN]
DANGER
Good job, car.
I was sure McCain’s first campaign trail injury would be a broken hip.
When you are that old you skin tears like paper. McCain’s Secrect Service handlers are only to touch him with Goosedown gloves and only after he has been properly hydrated with lotion by Chist or Liberman. His code name is Mr. Glass.
Maybe they should make him wear a helmet. A nice presidential one, with an eagle on it.
Same thing happen to my grandmother. But, you know, she was 94. Old people are always doing this stuff, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.
Sing along with me:
Zere iz nooo Canada like zeee French Canada.
It’z Zee best Canada in zee land.
Zeee other Canada iz zeee bullshitz Canada.
If jou leeved here for a day you’d understand.
Thank you Wonkette, for teh lack of picture….
The car has yearnings for Jodie Foster.
Nothing happened to the hip then? Shit…
Silly Canadians should have sent a hearse to fetch him, they’ve got wide doors.
Oh God,..I clicked on the link, he looks like Nora Desmond..
Cicada: As my sister’s BFF once said, “How can you be a snob when you’re wearing head gear?”
Spence: Hah!
Blame Canada, blame Canada
With all their beady little eyes, their flapping heads so full of lies
Blame Canada, blame Canada
It’s not even a real country anyway.
But where was he in Canada? Was he there for the strippers (Montreal) or the heroin (Vancouver)?
Must have hit the roof of a midget clown car.
Blame Canada, indeed.
Canada? Jeezus. Get him out of there and back into the sunshine before the mildew smell comes back.
ronaldpagan: Toronto for teh butt seks
Cicada: Or: 2 pillows strapped to his head with bungee cord.
Vanity Smurf: But he can just go to Charlie Crist for that.
Outstando: Win.
car my ass……Cindy’s been smacking him around again…
ronaldpagan: He was meeting with Gordon Lightfoot to ask him to be veep in his bid to be president of the North American Union.
“Gook Car Tortures McCain”
Now he knows how Carol
feels.
Darehead: Way to piss of the Mexicans even more.
ronaldpagan: pfft, like Charlie’s a top.
What the hell. is is skin made of parchment?
Fucker is o-l-d.
Lucky for him he has Life Alert.
Almost, car. Next time.
Gopherit v2.0: He’s just dehydrated. Like a mummy.
tunamelt: For those who are not aware, that is the medical alert system behind the “Help, I’ve Fallen and I Cant’ Get Up!” commercial.
Gopherit v2.0: His skin is made up with anything his overlords tell him it is made of with.
tunamelt: I am aware of all infomercial traditions.
Just got this e-mail (OT but kinda funny).
I’ve been tracking this for a while:
Hello, _________.
Site: “www.hillaryclinton.com” [ http://www.hillaryclinton.com ]
Total counter state:
“Hits: 0
Hosts: 0
Visitors: 0
Sessions: 0
From the begining of the month:
Hits: 0
Hosts: 0
Visitors: 0
Sessions: 0
Last week:
Hits: 0
Hosts: 0
Visitors: 0
Sessions: 0″
Vanity Smurf: Are you saying McCain is a bottom? I think he’s flexible. Although I guess you need a working penis to top.
Let me guess… the car was BLACK!
The presumptive Republican presidential nominee, who has battled skin cancer in the past, said the band-aids were merely a result of hitting his head on the roof of a car.
…
“It was a brush with a low hanging door,” McCain also said.
FLIP FLOPPER! Was it the roof, or the door, Senator?
ronaldpagan: That’s why he need the magic battery.
Dave J.: Ooh, nice catch! So how do we think Walnuts really got the head injury?
Update: It was reported that the car, after getting McCains blood on it, had to be dosed in gas and burnt to the ground in a secure hangar…
ronaldpagan: probably Bush’s belt buckle.
ronaldpagan: Cindy got tired of him calling her a cunt, I guess.
ronaldpagan: I think this part of McBang!’s statement is very telling: “…the beloved Secret Service.”
McCain is so scared of the Secret Service that he is over-complimenting them… This is clearly a case of elder abuse!
Dave J.: “It was a brush with a low hanging door,” McCain also said.
What the fuck was he in, a DeLorean? Maybe he was trying to go back to the future and make himself young and his first wife un-fatty again.
The Dudemeister: Hahaha! But then his scars would say “Don’t Mess With Texas.”
How small does a car have to be for a dwarf to hit his head on it? Was it powered by foot pedals?
Fact is, guy’s a spazz. But, sure, dildo, blame it on the car. That’ll play…
Meh. As someone who inflicts unintentional injuries upon herself every single day, I sort of feel for him.
I wonder if I get Walnuts Points for that… that was Walnuts, wasn’t it? Offering points? For empathy? I get them mixed up with Whore Diamonds.
ronaldpagan: We don’t really know for sure that they don’t?
door?, roof?,… He really can’t remember… which is not related to his head injury…
… get it (HE’S OLD!)
Canuckledragger: You’re calling McCain by your avatar name? Now I am all confused.
Does anyone else think McCain looks like a really old Charlie Brown? Can we get a pic photoshopped so we can see what that would look like?
Darehead: It’s all part of my dastardly plan. Once he loses in November, I want him to move to Dildo [Canada's most unfairly neglected town, when it should be world-famous] so it’ll finally be world famous.
Q: Where’s McCain go?
A: Dildo.
Q: No, not what is he; where is he?
A: Dildo.
Kinda like “who’s on first,” but with minor porn tittie-lation.
He was carpooling with these guys http://www.hgwd.com/photos/2tocurrent/slides/clown%20car.jpg.
What’s next. “I ran into a door”? How long will the campaign cover up Cyndi’s drug fueled rampages?
@ Canuckledragger: It’s a well-known fact that lack of sunlight in Canada results in people having stunted growth. You all drive little old Renaults and Citroëns. Live with the shame, you moose-shaggers.
But seriously, point taken. He’s five feet nine. If you ask me, that’s an eyesight problem. Misjudging distances etc. Needs to get to an optician. Shure God love him.
What’s McCain doing in Canada anyway? Is he already setting up his government in exile?
You’d think his scalp would have been protected by that thick, illustrious hair of his.
Father, forgive me, for I too have yearnings for Jodie Foster.
I certainly hope John McSame put on band aids bearing the image of Jesus!
Sure, other band aids are available. (Band aids bearing the image of
Jodie Foster, fer instance.) But a man in his position……(default bottom)…
Canuckledragger:
Ah, I git it now, eh.
And we could send him, or come to think of it, Dr. Paul, back to this town in Austria:
http://banderasnews.com/0611/nw-fucking-austria.htm
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Cindy’s drug-fueled rampages make me love her so much more. Let’s all make sure to give her a silent moment of gratitude next time McCain falls down the stairs.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: No, but this is really rich. John McCain, who says “I don’t really know anything about economics,” came to Ottawa City in Canuckistan to address the “Economic Club of Canada.”
Fuckin’ guy can’t make it in and out of a car safely. No wonder he ditched five planes back in the ‘Nam days. Probably knocked himself out on the rearview mirror every time, trying to gaze upon his own prettiness.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Before he was licking Georgy’s ass, he too was making plans to leave the country after the 2004 election. THINGS CHANGED however when he realized his ability to kiss-ass more than anyone has ever kissed ass before. He holds a record somewhere in the South Pacific, but nobody wants THAT coming out in the open.
He has also recently acquired an addiction to Thorazine. Now, this is only a rumor, but all of his behaviors indicate a possible hook. “Thorazine may cause tardive dyskinesia–a condition marked by involuntary muscle spasms and twitches in the face and body. This condition may be permanent, and appears to be most common among the elderly. Ask your doctor for information about this possible risk.”
It’s getting difficult to kiss so much ass in so many different ways and in so many places. Schizophrenia is a terrible thing. He has brought it himself however, through his many plane crashes and failed marriages, as well as his knack for slapping the help.
shortsshortsshorts: Kissing ass in a car could dent the ole’ noggin, eh McFlip?
OT: The surge is working!
Now Walnuts is offering $300 million for anyone who can develop a better, more efficient car that doesn’t punch old men in the face.
freakishlystrong:
InsidiousTuna: Sigh.. I know, this is an email I just sent to my SISTER…she referred to Obama as “Osama” the AntiChrist…God who are these people anymore?
Annie, I would refrain from referring to Obama, (not, “Osama”), as the “Antichrist”, after all, you never know who’s reading your email, or listening to your phone calls, warrant-less, and without any oversight whatsoever, per our Current Occupant. The “Antichrist” will inherit all these obscene powers come November and then, he can lock you up as an enemy to the state in GTIMO without a trial or anything, as to why you’re locked up. When you finally get out, gas will be $7.00 a gallon because of the damn democrats and food prices will be through the roof…and, shit, oh..wait…that’s already happened…so YAY WALNUTS! “Bomb, bomb, bomb Iran! ”
You and yours will lose in November, precisely for that type of hate speech, and if you win, you cheated, and if you win, the electorate deserves the governance it gets.
Dr. Grumpe sez:
“Looks serious John. I think we need to amputate.”
What?
http://www.monkeyfartz.com/2006/10/soul-aids-cure-for-racist-bandages.html
Monsieur Grumpe: Amputate the noggin, good one! The French have an interesting way of doing that.
Dave J.: Hmm, it sounds like he’s worried about a ‘low hanger’.. How manly. Maybe it’s a more of a low hangar issue.
freakishlystrong:
These bastard crooks will go to any lengths to fuck the opposition in the eye-ball. The anti-Christ was some kind of sea lizard that arose in the mid-50’s and was never heard of again, like some kind of majestic princess. Jesus already came back to, but he was assassinated sometime between 1967-1971, before the cock-brain who really got the balls rolling was unable to avoid his love of recording oval office porn, the old in and out, on subjects ranging from monkey-sex to wiretapping the Watergate.
But ON THE TOPIC: freakishlystrong:
There is something eloquent and arousing about hate-speech with a public figure. Usually it occurs in the spring, so everybody gets horny like the animals do and fuck each other. This mistake is realized around November when the buns start flying out of oven, so it’s actually a winning strategy for barry to let these things happen.
Are we sure he and Dubya weren’t getting together for some form of auto-erotic asphyxiation ritual involving large quantities of pretzels in the gullet?
The truth is probably more mundane. Obama probably just took him aside in the Senate men’s room and bitch-slapped him upside the head a few goes.
A likely story. More probably, he had a brain put in, the moran*.
*By the way, according to ‘Dreams from my Father’, moran refers to the Masai young batchelor warrior class. So the original sentence should be interpreted as: “Get a brain, young batchelor warrior.” Just so’s you know.
70 comments and no Jerry Ford jokes? The man was famous for headbutting helicopters, with the helicopter coming out the worse of the two.
Between this and the Canadian government outing Obama over Naftagate, Canada is just begging to be invaded no matter who wins the election.
TGY: Win.
Canadian cars get superior gas mileage as they can run off of gasoline or the blood of old men. Also they get km/l, which is more fuel efficient than mpg.
Am I the only one who remembers this being the same lame excuse ole McSame gave when he last found the “Mystery Spot” on his forehead?
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/us_and_americas/article1615544.ece
http://hillaryspot.nationalreview.com/post/?q=MWVjYjQxOGE1ODI1ZGQwNmM1NTU4YzA5OTM5NWViOWM=
Cripes I just figured it out. Karl Rove, formerly credited with being a smart efficient slime merchant, now just comes across as a pathetic snobbish putz. It’s like his smarts were surgically removed. Then McCain goes out of the country to “Canada”, comes back with bandages on his skull…
With any luck, we’ll see a series of comical pratfalls, a la Gerald Ford. That made Ford REAL electable! And Ford’s wife had a drug problem, too, so maybe this is the “second time as farce”. The first time was pretty farcy, though.
Temper, temper, John. Once again you “hit the roof”?
Kingbee: And a pardon for the war resisters, too?
McCain’s a liar. It’s probably the site of one of those suspect moles he’s wont to have. Either that or Cindy put out her More’s on his head, again.
“There’s a little black spot on his head
Too-day…”
I could smile away my polyps
And smack away my trollops
And not feel any pain
Not a jot, nor iota
I could get out of Toyota
If I only had a brain.
Thank the gods it happened in Canada, where they have socialized medicine so he can get treated without bankrupting his family.
Oh, wait: he’s had lifetime socialized medicine, between his military then Congressional status.
I guess it’s just us “elitists” who get to brave the for-profit, private health system.
That being the case, couldn’t the driver have driven a lot faster then hit a building? A building storing several tankers of gasoline and nitroglycerine? Give that ol’ socialized medicine a real workout!
When a man’s an empty vessel with vehicles he shouldn’t wrestle,
They’ll just tear you apart.
Just because he’s assumin’ that he could be kind-a-human,
If he only had heart.
He’d take legal tender - and Charlie Black’s advice to vendor
To the biggest fattest spender.
He’d be friends with Gramm and Scheunemann…
and that whacky Alfred Newman
If he only had a heart.
Just to register emotion, jealousy - devotion,
And really feel the part.
He could stay young and chipper
and he’d clock one for the gipper,
If he only had a heart.
We ship McCain expecting they’ll know what to do with him and they drop the ball. A car. A car.
Don’t they put all their old people in ice flows with a pound of seal blubber then wave goodbye?
What do we have to do next time we loan him out, Canadians? Draw a freaken map?!
jasonelias:
…But it’s my destiny to be John Mc-Cain..
Actually the lyrics kinda go well with ‘Nam:
There’s a king on a throne with his eyes torn out
There’s a blind man looking for a shadow of doubt
There’s a rich man sleeping on a golden bed
There’s a skeleton choking on a crust of bread..
villageatrois: Smoke Filled Roommate: 1ofUS: Genius, sweeties!
Does this prove that Iraqi markets are safer than Canadian parking lots?
Also, why is John McCain refusing to wear a flag bandage?
villageatrois: 1ofUS: Brilliant!
Didn’t something like this happen to Benazir Bhutto recently? I wonder why we never hear from her anymore?
Naive, foolish, ignorant humans! You guys got it all wrong: Having decided Earth to be a backward, suicidal, and hopeless member of The Universal Family of Planets, the Alien Overlords have implanted a Symbian Worm Thing into Walnutz. It’s mission? To become Leader of the Me World and start WWIII so that Earth is destroyed and no longer a threat to the harmony of the Universe. However, the Symbian is caused great pain by the massive does of Viagra which WalNutz has been ingesting, and it squirms in agony beneath Walnutz’ thin skin, causing tearing in the process. The band-aids are applied to cover these wounds.
http://www.kyle-brady.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/11/alien_movie.jpg
Q2:
Chaos Theory. Throw the world into war and hope what comes out the other side is better.
He’s so old, I think his soul is trying to escape; though I initially expected it to come out of his ass. I mean, you know, Old + Ass = the path of least resistance.
Servo: CHAOS. The suffering caused by “the process” might certainly remedy the malaise of American entitlement, ergo fostering better appreciation of that which we have, and causing more realistic citizen expectations. Albeit at u n i m a g i n a b l e suffering. My grandparents had a whole lot less then me, but seemed to appreciate it a whole lot more.
snig: “Manchurian Candidate” McCain had a cerebral chip implant at a secret Vietnamese facility in Canada, to receive new programmed instructions from his covert Vietnamese overlords.
Who bumps there head and then needs band-aids to stanch the blood?
I think he has leprosy.
Smoke Filled Roommate: Now I’m going to be hearing those lyrics
Botswana Meat Commission FC: He’s sure to offer Obama a cigar during the debates.
Now you know how your first wife, (who was CRIPPLED and DISFIGURED), feels you heartless shit!
Why has the press not explored the Band-Aid story further? I heard him explain the two Band-Aids on his head by saying he had bumped his head on the roof of the car, which was smaller than the car the secret service usually drives him around in.
How do you get open wounds by bumping your head on the roof of a car?
The fact is, the medical information he released recently said that he is checked by a doctor for recurring melanomas every three months. This would be so that they can be surgically removed quickly.
I believe he concealed the truth because he doesn’t want to appear old and sick. I also believe a presidential candidate should be honest. The news media is letting McCain slide.