THE GREAT SCIENCE RACE  2:06 pm June 23, 2008

WALNUTS! To Give You $300 Million For Inventing Some Fancy Thing!

by Jim Newell

Today John McCain announced his most insanely simplistic campaign idea yet: a science fair contest. He proposed “a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology.” Screw you people; Wonkette is going to Home Depot to buy sheet metal, rivets, and Legos right now.

The “300 million” number is no accident: there are, it seems, approximately 300 million people in this country. And now John McCain will give the rich, global corporation that puts together its fancy car battery first a tax dollar from each and every one of you.

So far the submissions for WALNUTS’ WINNINGS include:

Sen. McCain offers $300 million prize for new auto battery [AP]

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Hola wonkerados.

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AngryBlakGuy June 23, 2008 at 2:11 pm

…shit! Id walk on water for 300 million!

ForeignSickSpecialist June 23, 2008 at 2:12 pm

Takimisho Yorimoto has already developed it. It will be in Japanese cars in 2011. Should he just pick up his big monopoly check now?

nbawriter June 23, 2008 at 2:12 pm

Can the guy who invented that, like, 15 years ago collect the prize?

Spence June 23, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Will Walnuts also pay me for doing something that would make me fabulously wealthy anyway? How about if I get into porn?

weirdiowasculpture June 23, 2008 at 2:13 pm

Is Cindy one of the judges? ‘Cause if so I got just the thing right here:

AngryBlakGuy June 23, 2008 at 2:13 pm

[re=22421]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: …dont get any ideas Hopey!!!

Snookums June 23, 2008 at 2:14 pm

So, just to make sure I understand: WALNUTS! will cut wasteful
government spending and hand out $300 million to the private
sector (probably to some 12-year-old in South Korea or Japan). Awesome.

grundle burrito June 23, 2008 at 2:14 pm

no no no this is retarded. What we need to do is DRILL IN ANWR!

PoliticalGraffiti June 23, 2008 at 2:15 pm

maybe if we all want to drive around in one of these:

ronaldpagan June 23, 2008 at 2:15 pm

This $300 million will come inside a Hallmark card with “Don’t spend it all at once!” written in shaky script. Oh, Gramps…

ManchuCandidate June 23, 2008 at 2:15 pm

McCain asks the Professor for advice on inventing.
Frink: …and these (handing books to McCain) should give you the
grounding you’ll need in thermodynamics, hypermathematics
and of course microcalifragalistics.
McCain: Er, look, I just want to know how to invent things.
Frink: All you have to do is think of things which people need
but which don’t exist yet.
McCain: You mean like an electric blanket-mobile?
Frink: Www oh well, possibly. Or you could take something that
already exists and find a new use for it, like…
McCain: Hamburger earmuffs.
Frink: Mmm well, I suppose that would qualify.
McCain: Thanks sucker. (McCain throws the books and runs off)
Frink: Weh, uh, alright just stay calm Frinky. These babies
will be in the stores while he’s still grappling with
the pickle matrix bhay-gn-flay-vn.

freakishlystrong June 23, 2008 at 2:16 pm

“He proposed “a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology.” old as WALNUTS! is, that would be the Flinstone Mobile then?

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 23, 2008 at 2:17 pm

This is just completely fucking retarded.

Whoever develops better batteries will be able to wipe his ass with $300 million because THERE’s ALREADY A HUGE EXISTING MARKET FOR BATTERY POWER. There’s no lack of financial incentives to invent this and there’s billions worth of corporate R&D money already being poured into solving battery problems.

Walnuts just doesn’t know jack shit about economics. Fucking pathetic.

norbizness June 23, 2008 at 2:17 pm

Just get something out of the Lilian Vernon catalog and pour glitter on it; he’ll be suitably impressed by that.

Canuckledragger June 23, 2008 at 2:18 pm

My name is Nikola Tesla, and I invented your “battery” back in 1889

Check please!

edgydrifter June 23, 2008 at 2:19 pm

[re=22423]ForeignSickSpecialist[/re]: Hell no! Them’s ‘Murican dollars fer ‘Muricans! Mister Tojo can go cram his fancy little battery roboto thingy with walnuts! So far, my vote is with that slotted-cup doodad. I don’t know what it is, so that means it must be very complicated and awesome.

Walter Sobchak June 23, 2008 at 2:19 pm

Yeah, too bad when you go to collect your money, Lee Iacocca jumps out from around a corner and strangles you. Or, whoever is in charge of a big car company, I’m too lazy to look.

AngryBlakGuy June 23, 2008 at 2:22 pm
TGY June 23, 2008 at 2:22 pm

[re=22440]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Yes, completely fucking retarded. So, ahh, the whole ‘Darpa’ thing just gets flushed down the crapper, yes? And all those government laboratories? Thrown in the trash with the dead fish.

It’s a good thing garage inventors are much smarter than scientists these days.

edgydrifter June 23, 2008 at 2:24 pm

[re=22448]Walter Sobchak[/re]: The domestic ones are run from beyond the grave by Zombie Henry Ford.

jagorev June 23, 2008 at 2:24 pm

Um, if someone could actually invent such a thing, wouldn’t the market reward them with, like, billions of dollars anyway? A company that develops really good fuel cell or battery technology, allowing us to realistically create non-gasoline-powered cars, would be worth its weight in gold on Wall Street.

Isn’t this exactly the kind of inefficient redistribution of resources towards boondoggle pork projects that conservatives like McCain used to rail against?

Canuckledragger June 23, 2008 at 2:24 pm

[re=22436]PoliticalGraffiti[/re]: Meh. Try one of these babies:

El Bombastico June 23, 2008 at 2:25 pm

Don’t fall for it people! He’s just planning on using your super-battery to power his iron lung and portable dialysis machine, so he can be president 4-EVAH!

Tits_LaRue June 23, 2008 at 2:26 pm

I’ll just follow the Cindy McCain Recipe: Find someone else’s plans for “an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology” and slap my name on it, fair and square!

Advocatus_Diaboli June 23, 2008 at 2:28 pm

John McCain already knows that that best things run on pharmacological wonders pilfered from 501(c)3 organizations.

sezme June 23, 2008 at 2:28 pm

No one will ever collect because of the wording: the prize if for inventing a battery that “far surpasses existing technology”. See, the moment it’s invented, it will be “existing technology”. Walnuts is betting that America will thank him for duping some naive inventor, and anyway, Dubya already forbade future Republicans from ever behaving honorably.

edgydrifter June 23, 2008 at 2:30 pm

Where’s the battery that stores rigteous indignation and seething rage? That’s right, it’s ME, and it can power a bicycle at upwards of 10mph for at least 1 mile between charges. I’ll take my $300M in Ameros, please.

Crapola June 23, 2008 at 2:32 pm

How about a three-legged race or, even better, a finger-sniffing contest sponsored by your local diocese?

AngryBlakGuy June 23, 2008 at 2:32 pm
schvitzatura June 23, 2008 at 2:32 pm

This battery is already available, either in cold storage next to the Ark of the Covenant in the iconic last scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark’s warehouse…or in a deep bunker in Area 51/’Dreamland’, extracted from a saucer back in ’49.

They trot this stuff out every now and then, just to keep the plebes from going into total batshit meltdown crazy…

bonklin June 23, 2008 at 2:33 pm

[re=22438]ManchuCandidate[/re]: I added some fins to lower wind resistance. And this racing stripe here I feel is pretty sharp.

Servo June 23, 2008 at 2:34 pm

What was that thing he said about pork?

Servo June 23, 2008 at 2:35 pm

You can’t fool me WALNUTS!. You want this battery to keep you alive forever. Fuck You.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 23, 2008 at 2:35 pm

Gimme an erector set, a hot glue gun, and 20 minutes. Done, and done (if Martha Stewart doesn’t beat me to it).

Crapola June 23, 2008 at 2:37 pm


It’s kind of like the drawing for what the contestants think is a Toyota, except the winner actually wins a “toy Yoda.” If wit and moxie alone could free us of our dependence on foreign oil, Walnuts would have my vote!

Servo June 23, 2008 at 2:38 pm

[re=22484]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]:
She’ll cover it with macaroni and spray paint it gold.

WhatTheHeck June 23, 2008 at 2:38 pm

The Arizona sun is getting to McCain’s hair-deprived head because
the oil companies don’t like batteries. It kind of gets in the way of their profits.
So McCain, before you come up with any more contests, please check with our oil overlords.

snig June 23, 2008 at 2:39 pm

But if we have a gas tax holiday that magically drives down oil prices, won’t there be little incentive to implement these?

tunamelt June 23, 2008 at 2:40 pm

[re=22484]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: And if you fold it just so it makes a wonderful table centerpiece for Christmas!

PrairiePossum June 23, 2008 at 2:41 pm

I’m hooking up a team of Shih Tzus to a Volkswagon and have them pull the car down the street. That should be worth at least 3 million. Puppy power for the people!

anabellum June 23, 2008 at 2:42 pm

300 million?…. sounds like pork for the vibrator industry to me…..

its his way of going for the ‘trollop/cunt’ vote…

Serolf Divad June 23, 2008 at 2:44 pm

I am the inventor of the penile suppository. So what do I get?

Dave J. June 23, 2008 at 2:44 pm

McCain’s ideas are the best. He doesn’t know how to fix anything, but he knows how to give the guy who does a huge check.

NoWireHangers June 23, 2008 at 2:48 pm

Or you know, WALNUTS! we could just pass laws that force the automobile industry to evolve or die. Toyota and Honda seem to have figured things out while Detroit was busy making Hummers. Or maybe you could talk to your BFF, President Moron, about what his Administration did with technology that the Clinton Administration paid to cultivate:

Paradise June 23, 2008 at 2:50 pm

Maybe we can throw some drills at the problem too. It’ll be the unbeatable money/drill combo!

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 23, 2008 at 2:51 pm

Oh, I’m not against government investment in science! We need it now more than ever. But these “science prizes” only work when the goal is to develop intermediate technology that doesn’t have immediate commercial uses. There’s no way $300 million is enough to make a dent in funding for battery research.

Mostly, though, I get the feeling that McCain and his advisors are just insanely ignorant about economic principals and the economy in general. They treat it like a homework assignment.

toastandlove June 23, 2008 at 2:52 pm

I will develop this battery, and for just 1 million silver nickels and 12 truckfuls of Cindy McCain’s Beer Cookies

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 23, 2008 at 2:53 pm

That article was fantastic. Whenever I hear yahoos talking about hydrogen fuel cells and shit like that I just laugh.

Dave J. June 23, 2008 at 2:53 pm

Under President McCain, the entire US budget is just going to be a listing of the prizes we’ll award for solving problems. It’ll be down to like 50 pages, and Walnuts will write it while on the shitter after breakfast.

AxmxZ June 23, 2008 at 2:55 pm
snig June 23, 2008 at 2:55 pm

X-prize people are already doing it anyway and getting entries for 1/30th the price.
(i don’t work for Progressive. I think they’re very nice for doing this. Despite the name, I don’t think a bunch of arugula eating hippies, but it’s nice they’re doing this rather then, say, having a corporate event to see who can knock down the most old growth trees in half an hour. Fuck you Nationwide, with your 23rd Annual Defoliate and Pave Extravaganza!

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 23, 2008 at 2:59 pm

Only problem is the 25 mph governor. Other than that, though, it’s sweet.

Servo June 23, 2008 at 3:04 pm

[re=22510]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]:
Can someone suggest trains to Insane McCain?

nhunter June 23, 2008 at 3:04 pm

[re=22458]Canuckledragger[/re]: Pretty nerdy looking if you ask me. This one’s a bit sportier.

0-60 in 3.9 seconds, $109,000 delivered (in a year or so).

masterdebater June 23, 2008 at 3:07 pm

This is so stupid. They already have one that they took off one of those crashed saucers out at Roswell. It’s just that there is this conspiracy see, and they don’t want to release the information because the powerful battery lobby will freak out! I heard it one the intertubes, so it has to be true.

DirkLeisure June 23, 2008 at 3:07 pm

All hail our benevolent Chinese creditors, who will loan President WALNUTS! the $300 million prize money at a very reasonable rate.

gjdodger June 23, 2008 at 3:26 pm

He just wants to hook Cindy up to the battery to give her a shock when she reaches for the Darvocet.

Redhead June 23, 2008 at 3:28 pm

[re=22516]snig[/re]: Do NOT get me started on Nationwide. I was hit by a crackhead last fall who didn’t know that those big octagonal red things that say stop actually mean stop. (It’s also worth noting that for some bizarre reason, said crackhead had had both her license and her registration revoked, yet still managed to have insurance through Nationwide.) The car was declared totaled because of a broken back axle, yet they did not want to pay for a rental car until both I and the mechanic said there was no possible way I could drive it on the highway to work and the adjuster could either give me the rental car or give it to my lawyer. They also tried to tell me that they would not give me the money for my totaled car until I signed a release form, which conveniently gave them access to all my past, present AND FUTURE medical records and permission to share those medical records with third parties. They dropped that claim when my lawyer began filing papers to take them to court.
However, about a month ago, they called my boss and told him I had filed a workers comp claim (completely erroneous- why would I file that, when the wreck had nothing to do with work but with a dumb crackhead who had no business driving?) and that they needed him to give them different information about my health insurance, such as my ID number (my health insurance is through my job). I filed complaints with the attorney general multiple times but have yet to hear anything back.

Nationwide is NOT on your side and I hope the adjusters who used manipulation and lies to try to access and share my medical records themselves get hit by one of the crackhead drivers with no license and no registration they for some absurd reason insure.

snig June 23, 2008 at 3:29 pm

[re=22542]DirkLeisure[/re]: Actually, they’ll probably build the battery and win the prize first, so they’re just going to hold onto the cash to save on postage.

edgydrifter June 23, 2008 at 4:31 pm

[re=22487]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Ooooo! How about a battery that runs on OIL? Everybody wins.

Blue_in_VA June 23, 2008 at 4:42 pm

Buy potato futures! (Is there such a thing?) Every fourth grade kid in America is going to try their luck at crafting a super-charged potoato battery.

Blue_in_VA June 23, 2008 at 4:45 pm


yeah, you’d think.
It’s called a patent.
McCain’s Worst. Fucking. Idea. Ever.

The good news: there’s obviously $300 million lying around somewhere for universal health care.

loquaciousmusic June 23, 2008 at 5:36 pm

A ’75 Honda CVCC: 45 MPG on the highwat, bitches.

My brother had this exact model when I was in high school (1993-1997). It was a killer ride.

Gopherit v2.0 June 23, 2008 at 6:09 pm

Nice. So, exactly where will the fuel come to create the electrical power to charge the superbattery, McCain? Fucking retard.

johnbpt June 23, 2008 at 8:07 pm

[re=22681]Blue_in_VA[/re]: Supertuber!

Darehead June 23, 2008 at 8:40 pm

Walnuts needed a quick red herring to throw at the media to distract from Charlie Black’s little ol’ “ooops, mistake” that what we need is a new terrorist strike on U.S. soil.

ladymacbeth June 23, 2008 at 9:24 pm

there are no legos at home depot.

gliberal June 23, 2008 at 10:56 pm

He really wants the Die Hard to hook up Cindy’s vibrator.

Lazy Media June 24, 2008 at 10:17 am

[re=22487]WhatTheHeck[/re]: Fail. Batteries don’t produce energy, they just store it. Oil companies can make their money on electricity power plants just as easily (and with less overhead) than on cars. Isn’t Exxon totally getting out of the gas station business, anyway?

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