Holy crap, did you know there’s a Republican Congressman named “Thad McCotter”? That was the actual name of every Congressman to serve before 1900. But the McCotter Who Survived, here, is a wonderful educator, too! Look at him explain, on the House floor, and with a ruler, the art of “Speaking Democrat.” He proves that in the Democrat tongue, “DIPLOMACY = MAGIC.” The Democrats are Harry Potter and his wizard friends! Another favorite: “GOVERNMENT = SOCIALISM,” which is a step up from Marxism at least. Teach us more! THAD = RAD. [YouTube]

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  1. And as another example: “Republican Representative from Michigan’s 11th District = ” A Douchenozzle”.

    Let’s use it in a sentence:

    Thad McCotter is the Republican Representative from Michigan’s 11th District.

    Which means:

    Thad McCotter is a Douchenozzle.

    Thank you for your kind attention.

  2. My heart sank when he took out the ruler. He doesn’t even try to put it over in a funny way. More like a root canal. Which idiot staffer decided the boss with no sense of humor should try something like this?

    He’s the Congressman voted most likely to pull out an AK and go postal on the House floor.

  3. Hey, at least it’s better than the official philosophy of the Republican party:




  4. Can you imagine watching a slide show of Thad’s vacation? That’s my personal hell.

    Here’s some Republispeak:

    Retroactive Immunity = Sucking the cock of corporate America

    Abstinence Only Education = Let’s do anal

    No child left behind = every child left behind

    This is fun! Anyone else wanna play?

  5. Cut your taxes = Cut takes on everyone making over 200,000

    Family values = Whatever my values are today

    Compassionate conservative = Turd sandwich

  6. This guy reminds me of my high school math teacher, in that a) he drones on intolerably, b) he gestures pedantically at a chart, c) he makes me want to punch him repeatedly, with fists.


    Like Vincent Barbarino used to say, “Up your nose with a rubber hose!”

  8. By the way, does that shit actually play among conservatives in Michigan? What, is there lead in the water there or something?

  9. Is there anything more enjoyable than being condescended to by an idiot?

    Small Government Conservatives = “Let’s spend 80% of our time freaking out about what consenting adults are doing in the privacy of their own bedrooms!”

  10. [re=21481]obfuscator[/re]:
    Is there anything more enjoyable than being condescended to by an idiot?

    I dunno. 8 years of it, and 24% of us still can’t get enough.

    Me though, I’m going to have to go with self-trepanation as my alternate.

  11. More Republicanese:

    Family Values = Wide Stance

    War on Terror = War on Civil Liberties

    Enhanced interrogation = Anything up to severe organ damage. Oh, all right, severe organ damage is fine too.

    Tax Cuts = Rich people par-tay.

    Foreign Policy = Bring it on.

  12. [re=21489]Gopherit v2.0[/re]:

    Technically, the people who make up that 24% are theoretically even more stupid than the president, so it’s not quite the same thing.

    Trepanning? Is that still a thing?

  13. It would actually be kind of awesome if Democrats defended America with magic.

    Also, this is a great illustration of why Congress gets nothing done.

  14. Is that his real voice or is it just fucked up from, you know, all the cock traffic?

    Michiganders from the 11th district must be so proud….

  15. By the way, I lived in McCotter’s District and worked for his opponent in 2006.

    Thad is just as big a douchebag in person as he is on CSPAN…a thin-skinned pseudointellectual who totally believes he’s the smartest guy in the room.

    It is incomprehensible to me how he got this far in life. Were it not for the gerrymandered districts in Michigan, he would have lost big two years ago. Instead, he’s pretty much guaranteed to stay in office until the 2012 election.

    Worst of all, he’s only 43.

  16. [re=21506]Wuzzat[/re]: Truly, the only contribution McCotter’s ever made to Congress has been idiotic speechifying.

    He’s supposedly the 4th-ranking House Republican…but no one outside his District or The Beltway has ever heard of him. He has no legislation credited to him, has never chaired a subcommittee, and is of course a total dick.

  17. [re=21497]crookedE[/re]: My lethargy policy is WAY more elitist than yours. Mine involves Wonkette and Rosemay & Olive Oil Triscuits

  18. Wait… where in that “how a law becomes a bill” song from the 1970s (sorry, “change”) does this reading-lame-jokes-from-a-board fit in?

  19. Progressive is an accepted term by economists to describe the taxation of the rich at a greater proportion of their income than the poor. Proportion of income taxed is progressively higher.

    Fucking dumbass.

  20. Dear GOP:

    Please, pleasepleaseplease, for the love of God, send this man out to speak to America. He is exhilarating! He is current! He is exciting! He is EVER SO UP TO DATE with his neat cool with-it sign boards and ruler/pointer. HE IS YOUR BEST SPOKESMAN EVER! Make W. go with him, for comic relief. It’s a slam dunk, my friends!


    Every Democrat Since The New Deal.

  21. [re=21530]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Pinot Grigio, actually, while petting my standard poodle and listening to Wagner’s Götterdämmerung

    (You think I’m joking).

  22. [re=21529]Son of Mark Penn[/re]:

    Isn’t it reassuring to know that a member of congress hasn’t quite wrapped his head around “progressive” and “regressive” tax structures?

  23. Thad,
    Did you you really think that the world would be a better place after your demonstration? Might I suggest that you have successfully risen from obscurity to a full blown youtube asshole instead? Hmmmm?

  24. Damn my dead soundcard — but the visuals (and what I bothered to read) were bad enough. That chamber must have been empty, unless it was someone’s fervent desire to be lectured to by a pedantic mole rat.

  25. Watching this is a kind of punishment. Haven’t we been good, Jim? Please don’t hurt us any more. Whatever it is that led you to do this to us, we won’t do any more.

  26. [re=21552]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:

    Following in the footsteps of GOP stalwarts like Trent Lott(racialist), Ted Stevens(So Fucking Angry!), Jean Schmidt(Called John Murtha a “Bitch-made Trickass Mark”. Also, crimes against fashion), and Bill Frist(Physician who diagnosed Terri Schiavo via videotape footage).

  27. Hey Thad, you forgot this one:
    “Republican = Nerdy White Guy with an Inflated Ego who thinks he’s teh awesomz”

    I love how he takes his premise and runs with it…and runs with it…and runs with it. Until he runs out of GOP jargon to substitute and gets completely non-sensical. Although, if you realize he might be directing this to the oil executives it sorta makes sense. They’d be out of work (investment in green tech), heavily-taxed and forced to provide for the lower classes (socialism, of course).

    As a resident of Michigan, I’ll say it: Sorry everyone, he’s one of ours. Our bad.

  28. Thad, Thank you for showing the world how Republicans really like to spend their time and taxpayers’ money. I am now confident we will win all wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran and the rest of the places too, especially after we extend the draft to include balding 40-something C-student douchebag closet gays stuck in the 70s like you.
    Oh, one more thing. Ann Coulter called and wants her senior thesis back.

  29. Haha, Congressmen McDoucheCurdle. Michigan sucks. You have no jobs and all your taxpayers have moved to North Carolina to be John Edwards pool boy. Suck it district 11!

  30. Here’s what we do: We give every member of Congress a foam bat, and we pass a law that rules whoever beats their opponent to death with their foam bat wins. They’ll be at it for weeks before the realize it is fruitless. The Pay Per View will be huge.

  31. Being stuck at the office on Friday night listening to this cockswaddling doucheknocker almost defeats snark, but still wondering why some young technocrat (Walnuts!) couldn’t have hooked McDouchles up with teh high techz (you know, laser pointer, powerpoint, fuck it, maybe an inkjet instead of that sweet dot matrix action)?

  32. Now if this was in Taiwan, after 10 seconds of this, fists would have been flyin’ and that ruler would have
    ended up in his district 11.

  33. I got a riddle for Thad McCotter that will make him a very thad McCotter indeed: if “pro-” is the opposite of “con-“, what’s the opposite of “progress”?

  34. If you drink enough tequila this isn’t so hard to watch.

    I just pooped in my pants. If you drink enough tequila, that’s not such a big deal.

  35. [re=21526]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: [re=21530]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Ha, you guys! I nearly spit my baby romaine and arugula Caeser washed down with a G n’ T on my computer screen. I’m getting lethargic in the white-elitist-est way possible tonight. Except the part about being at work. That’s kinda blue collar-ish. I’ll have a PBR or four before bedtime to balance things out.


    Quick refreshing bath = waterboarding

  36. Did he actually say “Ouch”???? Aren’t these HIS unfunny jokes?

    McCotter here plays like he’s just reading some of these translations for the first time. Which suggests to me that either he sucks a lot or someone he works for wrote this horribly unfunny thing and then, because McCotter sucks a lot, he thought they were so clever he had to go and share them with the House. In this scenario, ol’ Thaddeus is kind of like your asshole relative who forwards the really unfunny jokes that tell a special message about Jesus. Only he’s forwarding them to the entire C-SPAN listserv.

  37. [re=21595]LBOtomist[/re]: The ruler is a nod to his years in Catholic School, being taught by the Basilians.

    Oh how I wish I just made that up. But now that you’ve read it, it all falls into place, doesn’t it?

  38. Change = The’70s? Is he like the only guy in American who thought McCain’s little joke about Carter’s 3rd term was actually funny?

    Note to expectant parents everywhere: If your last name is McCotter, don’t name your baby Thad. Brian or Dennis would be acceptable alternatives.

  39. Hurrah! I pay that dingbat’s salary.

    Actually, I didn’t this year because I live in Australia now. Australia is a country where the lack of policy movement on the floor of the House is accompanied by some amazing invective. Poor form, America.

    I can’t believe no one has suggested Thad for Rep. Veep. Michigan is a must-win state, after all.

  40. I am deeply suspicious of this possible foreign extremist.

    Is Thad a short name for Thaddeous? Is he trying to hide something? Why can’t he use his full name? Does he have some swarthy Greek ancestry is is trying to hide from us? You know the Greeks still have an active communist party the KKE. He might be a communist subversive and this is his chance to try to divert attention to this.

    Also, lots of Greek men are gay. Which is fine with me, it means more of the nice ladies are available, but it means that if Thaddeous has some secret Greek communist genes, he might also be gay. And I don’t mean the nice kind of gay, I mean the ruler-spanking kids kind of gay

  41. [re=21741]Borat[/re]:
    If you’re happy and you know it, spank McCotter
    If you’re happy and you know it, spank McCotter
    He’s old-fogeyed, weak and haughty
    And he does his potty naughty
    So take yer ruler out and give him whatcha ought-er.

  42. “He’s the Congressman voted most likely to pull out an AK and go postal on the House floor.”

    This would probably improve the quality of Congress a lot.

    Zhu Bajie

  43. [re=21538]NotUrEvryDayWEzl[/re]: Elitist!

    I’m glad McCuntter did this for us. I’ve learned the error of my Pro…I mean Regressive ways, and will now commit my life to reading bad jokes from large cards on easels.

    I’ll try it out on Monday morning on the train. I’ll need some campaign advisement, and a wooden ruler, and someone to write bad jokes for me. Anybody here take the Penn Line from Baltimore?

    McCain/McCuntter ’08 – Condescension and Conflagration for America

  44. [re=21752]Darehead[/re]: Spilled-coffee-on-the-keyboard brilliant.

    My humble contribution:

    Ta ra ra boom dee ay
    C-Span to school today
    Logic has passed away
    McCotter’s here to stay

    Asshat he’s every day
    We pay him anyway
    He’s worse than Tom Delay
    Ta ra ra boom dee ay

    Ta ra ra boom dee ay
    He’d steal your rights away
    And while he’s crowing there
    He’d take your underwear.

  45. Dear Mr Mic,

    I read in the post above you may be a Greek communist and the bad type of gay. In giving this further consideration, the facts are that Greek priests also have long beards like their Muzzie counterparts. How come you have not yet responeded to these critisisms?

    The American people demand to know the truth. You have not done anything yet to clear your name. What are you hiding? We demand:

    To see your birth certificate to know what your real name is.
    To see proof your mother was an American Citizen, above the age of 21, married and did not smuggle you from Greece and alter your citizenship documents.
    To see proof you and your family have no connections to the Greek communist party.

    Until you provide this evidence, we are going to be unable to have confidence in your true identity.


  46. The odd thing about this item is that with the exception of the term “Douchenozzle,” the Wikipedia article for McCooter is funnier than anything teh savants here have been able to generate. Two prime items of humor, e.g.:

    1.) When in the Michigan state legislature McCooter designated the boundaries of what later (like, two years later) became his own congressional district. And,
    2.) McCooter is a “regular” visitor on the “Dennis Miller” radio program, on which Miller has, repeatedly, asserted his liking for the “cut of his jib.”

    I meqn seriously, douchenozzle aside, how do you top that? Oh yeah, Bush the Lesser refers to him as “that rock and roll guy.”

  47. GOP-bonics 101

    keeping our nation safe = torture
    winning the War on Terror = blowing up brown people
    Reaganesque = Alzheimer’s-addled
    freedom ain’t free = gay hookers ain’t free
    fiscal responsibility = buying cheaper gay hookers
    family values = fucking little boys
    party of Lincoln = party of fucking little boys
    pro-life = pro-more babies to fuck
    cutting taxes = fucking little boys
    Second Amendment = the one where it’s legal to fuck little boys
    USA! USA! USA! = I fuck kids! I fuck kids! I fuck kids!
    Republican = boy-fucker

    Crass and repetitive, I know, but I’m just the messenger.

  48. “Are you better off today than you were four years ago?” – A brief study in GOP historionics, circa 2004

    Come on, learning is fun!

    Lesson 1: War and Peace
    winning the War on Terror = re-fighting Vietnam
    government = politburo
    keeping citizens safe = forcing others to die so we don’t have to

    Now translate the following sentence:
    “Winning the War on Terror… because our government’s most solemn duty is to keep its citizens safe.”

    Re-fighting Vietnam… because our politburo‘s most solemn duty is to force others to die so we don’t have to.

  49. Lesson 2: It’s the Economy, Stupid!
    ownership = debt
    entrepreneur = robber baron
    ours = white
    strong economy = strong wealth funds
    workers and families = self-righteous elitists

    Translate this sentence:
    “Ushering in an Ownership Era… because a vibrant entrepreneurial spirit will keep our economy strong and provide more opportunities for workers and families.”

    “Ushering in a Debt Era… because a vibrant robber baron spirit will keep white wealth funds strong and provide more opportunities for self-righteous elitists.

    Good work! Remember what you’ve learned; you’ll use these in the following lessons.

  50. Lesson 3: It’s All About the Benjamins
    innovation = corporate welfare
    compete = subsidize the rich
    risk-takers = trust fund kiddies
    technology and commerce = Depression-era policies

    Translate this sentence:
    “Building an Innovation Economy to Compete in the World… because American can compete anywhere thanks to our entrepreneurs and risk-takers who keep us on the cutting edge of technology and commerce.”

    “Building a Corporate Welfare Economy to subsidize the Rich in the World… because America can subsidize the rich anywhere thanks to white robber barons and trust fund kiddies who keep us on the cutting edge of Depression-era policies.

    You’re doing great! Now the lessons will get more challenging and you’ll use more of the vocabulary you’ve learned so far.

  51. Lesson 4: C-average Students
    your hopes and dreams can come true = your family can land you a spot at Yale

    Translate this sentence:
    “Strengthening Our Communities… because our children deserve to grow up in an America in which all their hopes and dreams can come true.”

    “Strengthening White Communities… because white children deserve to grow up in an American in which their family lands them a spot at Yale.

    There’s just one more lesson to go. You’ve become quite the historionics expert!

  52. Lesson 5: Values Voters
    respect = despise
    ever-changing = racially tolerant

    Translate this sentence:
    “Protecting Our Families… because we respect the family’s role as a touchstone of stability and strength in an ever-changing world.”

    “Protecting White Families… because we despise the family’s role as a touchstone of stability and strength in a racially tolerant world.

    You did a fantastic job! Now it’s your turn. Can you translate GOP statements to discover their hidden messages? They’re all around you and now you have the tools to see them. Good luck!

  53. Recently, various technologies for the recognition of human personality disorders through facial expressions have been developed and — using a few of these more advanced principles — I have developed a method to extract interpolative and extrapolative quantitative information using an averaged human face while applying differential vectors in characteristic points on averaged faces in the region of the human mouth and jaw. After applying these techniques to Mr. McCotter’s face (as represented in his instructive video) I can report to you with reasonable confidence that Mr. McCotter is a cocksucker.

  54. I just can’t imagine spending all that time and effort and all to become a member of that august body the Congress of the United States of America and finding Thad there. Talk about an existential crisis. And he probably gets all huffy if anybody laughs during his lessons. Unfortunately he reminds me of my dad.

  55. What’s happened here is: Thad has polled his district, or has gotten one of those smart people to do it for him. He’s discovered his chances of being returned by said district are, EVEN THOUGH HE HAND-CARVED IT TO BE SECURE FOR HIM, about the same as Rosie O’Donnell’s chances of flying to Paris by flapping her arm fat.

    So what was this performance? It was/is an interview/auditilon. Thad needs a new venue for the act. Apparently Heritage and Brookings were already booked, and all that was left at Enterprise was a gig waiting tables. So what about comedy news? To a cretin like Thad, comedy news looks easy. And after all, Dennis Miller likes the “cut of his jib,” which, beyond the inescapable gay implications (and remember, Dennis liked the cut of Dan Fouts’ jib, too), means Dennis thinks he’s sorta funny.

    What one has to do is imagine the appropriate vehicle: America’s Funniest Republicans? Grasping at Straws with Thad and Thom?

    I think Reality Tee Vee would work better than comedy news, which requires writers, who belong to (gasp!) a union. Imagine a bunch of failed republican hacks moving into an apartment in Anacostia while looking for their next career moves here in tinsel town east. For added humor, the network could find some washed-up rappers and such to live upstairs. I don’t actually watch tee vee, but this sounds vaguely like a sure winner to me.

  56. I’ve been to Livonia and Wayne. Their citizens deserve this schmuck. In the 60’s, the White Flightists headed west from Detroit. First stops: Livonia and Wayne. Two generations later, it seems like nothing’s changed. It’s the same old divisionist attitudes that spawn feeble-minded asshats like McCotter. So, fuck them, with him. Hard.

  57. Livonia is 96 percent white, 3.2 percent African American, and there is one small Conservative synagogue in all of western Wayne County (plus a humanistic synagogue in Farmington Hills) — thank you, Henry Ford and Father Coughlin! This is the area that gave us Ted Nugent, who attended Clarenceville High School. (Make that gave you, not us.) What perfectly wonderful compost for growing the poisonous mushroom Thaddeus McCotter! Yet he didn’t do nearly as well at the polls last time out, even in Honkyville. The side effects of a surgical charismactomy?

  58. Actually, Led Zep is coming back, in pieces, as a Bluegrass act — see: Akison Kraus, Uncle Earl, the Sparrow Quartet, and so on. I, of course, expected this all along.

  59. WTF?!! Anyone notice that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, laughed once? Too bad he didn’t end the “performance” with a trip to the head to off himself due to extreme embarrassment.

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