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‘I Am Aware Of All Internet Traditions’

Need a new Internet Slogan now that all your other old, worn-out slogans were used up by Weezer or immigrants? Here is one for you, only a day old and still pretty much used up like Krusty’s porn: I am aware of all Internet Traditions. What the hell? We will tell you, and you’ll feel dumber for it.

Remember that “God DAMN Whitey” porn tape of Michelle Obama and Hitler that doesn’t exist? Well, somewhere out there in the foreclosed working-class subdivision called Dingbat Falls, people are still leaving blog comments about such things. And then somebody on a libtard blog “quoted” something from a wingnut blog but the “quote” was actually a sarcastic summary BUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER PUT IT IN A BLOCKQUOTE.

(Seriously, it is cool if you do not look at the Internet again before, say, October. We won’t take it personally.)

About 36 hours ago, a Righteous Shitsack leaves the following gem on this lefty blogspot:

Donald,
I am aware of all internet traditions and also of literary conventions in which placing something in quotes or in a blockquote means that your are quoting that person.


Perfect! Instant Internet “meme,” right there.

And look, it was already used up yesterday. Rick roll, Yoda talk, Church sign generator, FSM, Moran guy, LOLcats, Series of Tubes. Done, over.
By Monday there will be “I Am Aware Of All Internet Traditions” papercraft-LEGO robot dildos (without DRM) on Boing Boing.

The Internet: It sucks.

UPDATE: Commenter GopherIt v.20, for the win:

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne
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97 comments

  1. Monsieur Grumpe

    Personally, I’m a little behind in “All the Internet Traditions” would you please list them for me in alphabetical order? Also, could you put it all in caps? It be even more super if it’s in caps! K?

  2. Borat

    [re=20642]Q[/re]: yes ‘e’Tard is more a tradishion than ‘i’Tard. ‘e’ is like from 2000 and derfore historically important

  3. PoliticalGraffiti

    can we add furries to the internet tradition?

    wait, i’m the only one that looks that shit up?….fuck.

  4. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    The only internet tradition I’m aware of is that you are supposed to masturbate while using the internet. Is there another one?

  5. nyhfrog

    Just in case you’re wondering. All “traditions” e, i or otherwise are over when I learn about them. This was true of everything from this one back through “izzle” words, calling everyone “dude”, “that’s a spicy meatball!” all the way back to “keep on truckin’”.

  6. tsunami

    whoa people…dan abrahms, of all douchbags, just played
    repeated clips of walnuts saying “i did not love america
    until i was deprived of her company.”

    guess he and michelle agree.

    you should hear the republican shits excusing him.

  7. masterdebater

    [re=20658]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I agree. One handed typing dates back to the very foundations the the intertubes. Just like wingnuts who leave their caps lock on. Everything else is relatively fresh. Like Dr. Paul supporters who can’t spell, or commenters who habitually use “than”, when they mean “then”. EVERYONE makes a mistake or typo, but some sets of people take it to soaring heights of tardness. I EVOL their posts!

  8. Rodney Badger

    [re=20663]tsunami[/re]: I’m watching it also. I actual feel sorry for the German guy. Jonathan Alter wants to fight him.

  9. wheelie

    In my little country, we love the many many internet traditions which are passed down from generation to generation.

    Sometimes we gather in late summer evenings to sing and dance along to the latest youtube videos. Then, the youth gather around our feet and we tell them about the internet traditions.

    [re=20644]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: You’re up there! Good on ya!

  10. WadISay

    In my internet tradition, Denise Richards gives herself to me with wanton abandon, repeatedly.

  11. lawrenceofthedesert

    As future executive director of the Internet Traditions Folk Festival, I invite all of you to form a circle and touch yourselves in traditional places while listening to my heartfelt ballad, “John McCain Was Born 10,000 Years Ago” at http://www.lawrenceofthedesert.com.

    Glad you mentioned Denise Richards, who is from such a talented family — her brother Keith and of course her buff dad, Rev. Bob Richards, who had trouble thinking outside the Wheaties box.

  12. shortsshortsshorts

    You are drunk Mr. Editor. But I will be soon, so-

    “I am aware of the internet tradition of looking at lots of porn and making fun of Paultards for tradition’s sake. I AM JOHN MCCAIN I TURN YOU INTO FROG WITH FINGER. YOU WILL VOTE FOR ME OR THAT BIG SALE ON TRUCK NUTZ SHALL END.

    abruptly stated,

    Jeebus
    shortsshortsshorts | Homepage | 06.19.08 – 10:26 pm | #”

    I see RuperttheBear made it over there as well.

  13. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=20648]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:

    A-Assfucking
    B- Bullshit
    C- “Cunt”
    D- Dog killing (Huckabee family tradition)
    E- Existential crisis
    F- Fucktards
    G- GAWD! (and Gopherit… respect)
    H- Harowitz
    I- International Freedom Fighters
    J- Jeebus
    K- Kool Cigarettes
    L- 9/11
    M- Motha fuckin’ snakes on a plane
    N- (THIS WORD IS BEING REMOVED FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE)
    O- Ovarian vasectomy’s
    P- Paultards
    Q- Quarantine Paultards
    R- Racists
    S- MITTENS! (see M)
    T- Tasteless
    U- Underwear (diapers) (see “V”)
    V- Vick, David
    W- Best. President. Ever.
    X- Xenophobia
    Y- Yanking it to internet porn
    Z- Z is for Zebra. And that is all I know about the letter “Z”.

    “Now you know your internet traditions
    Next time wont you sing with meeeee.”

  14. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=20673]wheelie[/re]: No, not me, just an amusing part of this meme.

    [re=20700]InsidiousTuna[/re]: McCain? Eww.

  15. Turd Way

    Cute, but is anybody cataloging these funny Internet Slogans and memes? Are they even being archived for posterity? Digital music is sorted every which way but who sorts thru this part of our culture by tracing the links in their development between various blogspot posts and comments on other websites (I mean, besides you, Ken)? The reason why speaking of “Iternet Traditions” is funny is because, sadly and to our detriment, we have none. Who will write the social history of the internet?

  16. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=20712]graceless[/re]: Rudy Giuliani=9/11=
    Lose. He loses. Because he is a big loser.

    nEVer fERgIT!!!!!!!1!

  17. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=20661]nyhfrog[/re]: You don’t masturbate while using the Internet?

    [re=20663]tsunami[/re]: Strangely enough, all of Hannity and Colmes was not dedicated to it tonight, so apparently it is all right not to be proud of your country, but all right not to love your country.

    [re=20712]graceless[/re]: Agreed. R stands for 9/11, since R starts both Rudy and 9/11.

  18. graceless

    [re=20714]Turd Way[/re]: The social history of the internets is being written as we type. Once it’s created, it goes on living forever, and ever! Eventually, about a hundred years after all of us are dead, somebody will wonder whether or not we were interesting. When they do, they’ll assign some under-paid graduate student the task of cataloging these funny slogans and such. That grad student will then write a book, or whatever they have then. That’ll subsidize the bank account.
    [re=20715]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    Ah ha…

  19. El Bombastico

    Jesus Christ, I go to the gym for one hour, and in that time, an internet meme is born, lives a crazy beautiful life, and dies an ignoble death.

    At least Truck Nutz will live forever.

  20. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=20717]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: But you are mistaken. Who the fuck is “Rudy?” The only mayor from NYC that I remember defending us from the terror-cists? His name is 9/11. However he can also be called “9/12.”

  21. RuperttheBear

    [re=20704]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Guiltpees. “L-9/11″ How true. How so very fucking true.

  22. illnoise

    A All your base; All Internet Traditions, Awareness of.
    B Buttsecks, Badger Badger Badger, Bananaphone
    C Cheezberger, I can has; Girls, 2 and 1 cup
    D Dramatic Chipmunk
    E Evil Bert
    F Feiss, Ellen; FAIL
    G Gondry, Michel, solving Rubiks Cube; Goatse
    H Hamster Dance, House of Cosbys
    I It’s Gonna be Hot
    J Joe, GI Body Massage Machine
    K Kikkoman
    L LOLcats, LonelyGirl15
    M Mentos, Diet Coke and; Mahir, I Kiss You
    N Norris, Chuck
    O OK Go; O RLY?
    P PEGASI! PEGASI; Paul, Ron; Peter Pan dude
    Q “Quit making fun of Britney, OK!?”
    R Rickroll
    S Shreds, Guitar; Strife, Gonads and
    T Tron guy; Turtles, I like
    U
    V Vader, Chad
    W Wizard People, Dear Reader; WALNUTS!
    X
    Y
    Z Zonday, Tay

    OK, I got nothing for U, X, and Y. But the rest of that list was frighteningly easy to come up with.

  23. Gopherit v2.0

    Please note, I am not the genius behind that image. It came from a comment o the aforementioned blog (source of the meme) from a guy named Pookie Sinclair. I am but the messenger.

    I do believe pookie to be a lost member of our tribe.

  24. Monsieur Grumpe

    [re=20710]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    Z is for Zymurgy.
    At least that’s what I learned in drunk school.
    Otherwise B++!

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=20729]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:
    My GPA ending college was a 2.9; so ya, you are actually on target.

  26. Mr Blifil

    What about a lapel pin or button to the effect of: “Luddites get w-a-a-a-y more pussy”

  27. El Bombastico

    [re=20728]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Pookie Sinclair?!? Chris Rock and Larry Sinclair’s love child?

  28. shortsshortsshorts

    Off a bit?
    Drunk and going to a sleepy place full of WALNUTS naps, but why so many pages to navigate? Arrrh you peepol triangle to keel your salves? It would seem that Our Editor and Ze Staff are putting themselves in a ba’t si-zuacion.

  29. Borat

    [re=20710]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I suggest you use your A-Z whenever you need to spell something to a call center operator. Why say A for Alpha B for Bravo etc when you can use much more interesting works

  30. Buster

    Sorry to spoil your party, but he didn’t say he knew all Internet traditions. He doesn’t have very good grammar, but he’s saying he’s aware of all of the Internet traditions in which someone uses block quotes. I think this is kind of silly.

  31. RuperttheBear

    [re=20775]Buster[/re]: First, I think you wandered into the wrong blog. Did you link here from DailyKos? Second, if you read the conjunction as establishing a parallel construction, vanderloon is indeed saying “I am aware of all internet traditions. . . ” a reading of the sentence that is preferable given the “also” following the conjunction (which implies that the second portion of the sentence is in addition to what precedes it); “not having good grammar” excuses nothing since intentionality is besides the point on the intarwebs. Third, this spoils nothing. Fourth, you thinking this is silly is kind of like grandma not liking 2 girls 1 cup, i.e. Mission Accomplished. And finally, you ken not takk mah buhket.

  32. Mahousu

    [re=20717]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I always thought “using the Internet” was just a euphemism for masturbation.

  33. Walter Sobchak

    [re=20776]RuperttheBear[/re]: [re=20775]Buster[/re]: In both alphabets, you forgot “Pwned.” Which is exactly what just happened to Buster.

  34. DoctorCulturae

    [re=20776]RuperttheBear[/re]: well said

    [re=20775]Buster[/re]: Dude. C’mon. Poststructuralism 101.

  35. RobPetrified

    Did TROLL become TROLLOP?
    Or does that reflect the female gender of McCains cunt bashing?
    It’s so hard to keep up sometimes.

    @illnoise: Uber. Yknow, Xakly.

  36. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=20704]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I TURN YOU INTO FROG WITH FINGER is my new favorite.

  37. ThreeFingersNeat

    [re=20743]Tits_LaRue[/re]: You have a keen grasp of internet traditions, but apparently way too much time on your hands for someone named Tits. I’m a little disappointed, though, that the water skiing squirrel is missing.

  38. The Neoskeptic

    a partial list of my favorite interwebz tradishuns

    A- Anal; Abe Froman;
    B- BCC; BBW; Blog, Blogging, Blogger; Bosnian Snipers; Bring em on;
    C- Comment thread; Chat room; Craigslist; Craig, Larry;
    D- D/D free; Digg, Dugg, Digger;
    E- Evar; eTard;
    F- F the President;
    G- Gopher, Dramatic; GGG; GFE; Gram the one eyed snake;
    H- Hope; Hair-cut, $400; haandjob;
    I- Interwebz; Internets; Intertubes; i; Is our children learning?;

    P- Pissing Grandmas; Paultards;

    S- Stay the course; Santorum; Steamroom;
    T- Toe-tapping; Trolling; Turned a corner; Those great legs running;
    U- User-Generated Content; Urinating, (Cindy Shehan, on the grave of her son);
    V- Vitter, David “Diaper”;
    W- Whore Diamonds;
    X- Xbox; Xenophobia;
    Y- You’re killing me, Buster;

  39. The Neoskeptic

    [re=20846]bago[/re]: i love your commenter icon. the new letter combining wtf! eleventy billion whore diamonds for you.

  40. NotAnEvilLobbyist

    [re=20725]illnoise[/re]: Also, for S, T or H depending on how you want to characterize, you have to include those dumb Homestar Runner cartoons featuring Strongbad or Trogdor.

  41. NotAnEvilLobbyist

    [re=20725]illnoise[/re]: Also, for Y, a play on the O RLY when it was changed to YA RLY. That whole thing is dumb. Also, for Z, ZOMG, because apparently saying OMG isn’t annoying enough, you have to add the Z so you can pronounce it like an actual word, like the people who say ROFFLE for ROFL.

  42. metropolitan

    so i don’t get it, some right wing freaks didn’t understand humor because it was in blockquotes? would it have been better if it had a smiley next to it so his uptight internet tradition protocol was followed?
    fuck you and your internet traditions.
    this whole sticking to “traditions” thing is basic right wing bullshit were arbitrary rules are somehow set in stone, and i don’t mean in the internet, i mean in such things as male-female marriage, flag pins, no homosexuals in the military, etc. if you fall for their frame that traditions are unwritten rules that have to be followed just because they exist you’re setting yourself up as a chump.

  43. Tits_LaRue

    [re=20782]ThreeFingersNeat[/re]: Naw, it takes about 3 seconds to put text on an existing animated gif in Fireworks, I only chose a few because, uh, yeah, I do have better things to attend to! I didn’t get to the more obvious stuff and I probably never will because I’m already “over it” hahahaha
    I still might do a McCain one today, tho’


  44. Post author
    Ken Layne

    [re=20775]Buster[/re]: Gosh, ya think? (Ask your caregiver for help navigating away from this site.)

  45. illnoise

    [re=20875]NotAnEvilLobbyist[/re]: This woman I work with pronounces “WTF” as “DUB-tiff.” So we make fun of her by asking her “Is ‘ROFL’ pronounced ‘Roffle’ or ‘ROW-full’?” and “Sarah, is ‘IIRC’ one, two, or three syllables?”

  46. NotAnEvilLobbyist

    [re=21065]illnoise[/re]: Not to give away my nerd card more, but that story is very familiar. I have a friend that I used to play a certain online video game with who says WTF as “WTFuck,” which is admittedly funny when they say it the first few times, but not after that. Dub-tiff would just grate on me if I had to hear it often. Lollerskates and the rofflecopters are other things that are not, never were, and never will be, funny despite their niche internet meme stardom.

  47. metropolitan

    [re=21107]NotAnEvilLobbyist[/re]:
    in terms of the internet not crossing over well into flesh and blood/brick and mortar life…
    i went to see my gfriend’s (pronounced “girlfriend”) band and there was a “comedian” who opened up the show. she mumbled to herself, showed some short no punchline comedy videos starring her hamsters in costumes and her mother and said some pitter patter which included saying “just kidding” as JK (jay-kay), LOL, LMAO (el-mao) and other bits. i felt like i was experiencing one of those videodrome moments were the internet comes to life. all in all her whole schtick i’m sure is much funnier on youtube and her blog.

  48. josereyes.theroof

    This all ends like Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Harrison Ford, standing on monolithic ruin, will watch in awe as the e*tards (+1, Q) launch their mothercraft into “the space between space”.

  49. Manamongst

    Oh VanderLoon…

    “I’m aware that Scarlett Johansson is hot. Does that mean I’m dating her?”

  50. BillKarwin

    The internet used to be a grand and beautiful thing, it worked perfectly, there was plenty of bandwidth, and it was gradually collecting useful content like brainy scientific abstracts, geological maps, and classic literature. There were no mashups, no feeds, and no spam.

    Then someone let all these users into it.

    Now how is that the internet’s fault?

  51. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=24256]BillKarwin[/re]: I don’t know. Perhaps you can share a story about your birth?

  52. Sortofexpat

    I am definitely not aware of all internet traditions, which is why I’m using this as a sandbox, which is why I should probably be banned for all eternity.

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