HEY IT'S THAT THING I KNOW ABOUT  8:25 pm June 19, 2008

‘I Am Aware Of All Internet Traditions’

by Ken Layne

Need a new Internet Slogan now that all your other old, worn-out slogans were used up by Weezer or immigrants? Here is one for you, only a day old and still pretty much used up like Krusty’s porn: I am aware of all Internet Traditions. What the hell? We will tell you, and you’ll feel dumber for it.

Remember that “God DAMN Whitey” porn tape of Michelle Obama and Hitler that doesn’t exist? Well, somewhere out there in the foreclosed working-class subdivision called Dingbat Falls, people are still leaving blog comments about such things. And then somebody on a libtard blog “quoted” something from a wingnut blog but the “quote” was actually a sarcastic summary BUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER PUT IT IN A BLOCKQUOTE.

(Seriously, it is cool if you do not look at the Internet again before, say, October. We won’t take it personally.)

About 36 hours ago, a Righteous Shitsack leaves the following gem on this lefty blogspot:

Donald,
I am aware of all internet traditions and also of literary conventions in which placing something in quotes or in a blockquote means that your are quoting that person.


Perfect! Instant Internet “meme,” right there.

And look, it was already used up yesterday. Rick roll, Yoda talk, Church sign generator, FSM, Moran guy, LOLcats, Series of Tubes. Done, over.
By Monday there will be “I Am Aware Of All Internet Traditions” papercraft-LEGO robot dildos (without DRM) on Boing Boing.

The Internet: It sucks.

UPDATE: Commenter GopherIt v.20, for the win:

 

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

{ 97 comments }

AxmxZ June 19, 2008 at 8:36 pm

Internet wankfest traditions. I am aware of them all.

Q June 19, 2008 at 8:38 pm

The correct term for these persons is “eTards.”

Gopherit v2.0 June 19, 2008 at 8:39 pm

Sigh. Why don’t the funny douchebags visit us anmore?

Oh, and:
http://i293.photobucket.com/albums/mm41/babylonanon/mccain-allinternettraditions.jpg

RuperttheBear June 19, 2008 at 8:42 pm

vanderleun: n., moran.

Monsieur Grumpe June 19, 2008 at 8:45 pm

Personally, I’m a little behind in “All the Internet Traditions” would you please list them for me in alphabetical order? Also, could you put it all in caps? It be even more super if it’s in caps! K?

jagorev June 19, 2008 at 8:45 pm

Classic forced meme.

RuperttheBear June 19, 2008 at 8:46 pm
graceless June 19, 2008 at 8:48 pm

If I offend you, it is deliberate.

Borat June 19, 2008 at 8:50 pm

[re=20642]Q[/re]: yes ‘e’Tard is more a tradishion than ‘i’Tard. ‘e’ is like from 2000 and derfore historically important

PoliticalGraffiti June 19, 2008 at 8:54 pm

can we add furries to the internet tradition?

wait, i’m the only one that looks that shit up?….fuck.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 19, 2008 at 8:56 pm

The only internet tradition I’m aware of is that you are supposed to masturbate while using the internet. Is there another one?

nyhfrog June 19, 2008 at 8:58 pm

Just in case you’re wondering. All “traditions” e, i or otherwise are over when I learn about them. This was true of everything from this one back through “izzle” words, calling everyone “dude”, “that’s a spicy meatball!” all the way back to “keep on truckin’”.

tsunami June 19, 2008 at 9:04 pm

whoa people…dan abrahms, of all douchbags, just played
repeated clips of walnuts saying “i did not love america
until i was deprived of her company.”

guess he and michelle agree.

you should hear the republican shits excusing him.

Rodney Badger June 19, 2008 at 9:08 pm

Shame on you Ken for just getting to this.

Greatness:

http://freehaven.wordpress.com/2008/06/17/internet-traditions/

masterdebater June 19, 2008 at 9:10 pm

[re=20658]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I agree. One handed typing dates back to the very foundations the the intertubes. Just like wingnuts who leave their caps lock on. Everything else is relatively fresh. Like Dr. Paul supporters who can’t spell, or commenters who habitually use “than”, when they mean “then”. EVERYONE makes a mistake or typo, but some sets of people take it to soaring heights of tardness. I EVOL their posts!

Rodney Badger June 19, 2008 at 9:13 pm

[re=20663]tsunami[/re]: I’m watching it also. I actual feel sorry for the German guy. Jonathan Alter wants to fight him.

Rodney Badger June 19, 2008 at 9:14 pm

[re=20668]masterdebater[/re]: rediculous

wheelie June 19, 2008 at 9:17 pm

In my little country, we love the many many internet traditions which are passed down from generation to generation.

Sometimes we gather in late summer evenings to sing and dance along to the latest youtube videos. Then, the youth gather around our feet and we tell them about the internet traditions.

[re=20644]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: You’re up there! Good on ya!

masterdebater June 19, 2008 at 9:20 pm

[re=20671]Rodney Badger[/re]: Well played!

Brutus Harlot June 19, 2008 at 9:39 pm

i thawt the internets trudishun was righting reel good.

liquiddaddy June 19, 2008 at 9:49 pm

“Keep Wipes Handy!”

WadISay June 19, 2008 at 9:57 pm

In my internet tradition, Denise Richards gives herself to me with wanton abandon, repeatedly.

InsidiousTuna June 19, 2008 at 10:06 pm

[re=20644]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Take me, sailor.

lawrenceofthedesert June 19, 2008 at 10:08 pm

As future executive director of the Internet Traditions Folk Festival, I invite all of you to form a circle and touch yourselves in traditional places while listening to my heartfelt ballad, “John McCain Was Born 10,000 Years Ago” at http://www.lawrenceofthedesert.com.

Glad you mentioned Denise Richards, who is from such a talented family — her brother Keith and of course her buff dad, Rev. Bob Richards, who had trouble thinking outside the Wheaties box.

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 10:23 pm

You are drunk Mr. Editor. But I will be soon, so-

“I am aware of the internet tradition of looking at lots of porn and making fun of Paultards for tradition’s sake. I AM JOHN MCCAIN I TURN YOU INTO FROG WITH FINGER. YOU WILL VOTE FOR ME OR THAT BIG SALE ON TRUCK NUTZ SHALL END.

abruptly stated,

Jeebus
shortsshortsshorts | Homepage | 06.19.08 – 10:26 pm | #”

I see RuperttheBear made it over there as well.

timmy_the_tooth June 19, 2008 at 10:27 pm

I like mine better

timmy_the_tooth June 19, 2008 at 10:29 pm
timmy_the_tooth June 19, 2008 at 10:31 pm

OK, evidently I’m unclear about how to post a link.

http://i129.photobucket.com/albums/p209/imothyt/animated/retard.gif

timmy_the_tooth June 19, 2008 at 10:32 pm

I AM THE RETARD!

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 10:33 pm

[re=20648]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:

A-Assfucking
B- Bullshit
C- “Cunt”
D- Dog killing (Huckabee family tradition)
E- Existential crisis
F- Fucktards
G- GAWD! (and Gopherit… respect)
H- Harowitz
I- International Freedom Fighters
J- Jeebus
K- Kool Cigarettes
L- 9/11
M- Motha fuckin’ snakes on a plane
N- (THIS WORD IS BEING REMOVED FROM THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE)
O- Ovarian vasectomy’s
P- Paultards
Q- Quarantine Paultards
R- Racists
S- MITTENS! (see M)
T- Tasteless
U- Underwear (diapers) (see “V”)
V- Vick, David
W- Best. President. Ever.
X- Xenophobia
Y- Yanking it to internet porn
Z- Z is for Zebra. And that is all I know about the letter “Z”.

“Now you know your internet traditions
Next time wont you sing with meeeee.”

Gopherit v2.0 June 19, 2008 at 10:36 pm

[re=20673]wheelie[/re]: No, not me, just an amusing part of this meme.

[re=20700]InsidiousTuna[/re]: McCain? Eww.

graceless June 19, 2008 at 10:45 pm

[re=20710]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: How does L get to be 9/11?

Turd Way June 19, 2008 at 10:48 pm

Cute, but is anybody cataloging these funny Internet Slogans and memes? Are they even being archived for posterity? Digital music is sorted every which way but who sorts thru this part of our culture by tracing the links in their development between various blogspot posts and comments on other websites (I mean, besides you, Ken)? The reason why speaking of “Iternet Traditions” is funny is because, sadly and to our detriment, we have none. Who will write the social history of the internet?

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 10:49 pm

[re=20712]graceless[/re]: Rudy Giuliani=9/11=
Lose. He loses. Because he is a big loser.

nEVer fERgIT!!!!!!!1!

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 19, 2008 at 10:56 pm

[re=20661]nyhfrog[/re]: You don’t masturbate while using the Internet?

[re=20663]tsunami[/re]: Strangely enough, all of Hannity and Colmes was not dedicated to it tonight, so apparently it is all right not to be proud of your country, but all right not to love your country.

[re=20712]graceless[/re]: Agreed. R stands for 9/11, since R starts both Rudy and 9/11.

graceless June 19, 2008 at 11:00 pm

[re=20714]Turd Way[/re]: The social history of the internets is being written as we type. Once it’s created, it goes on living forever, and ever! Eventually, about a hundred years after all of us are dead, somebody will wonder whether or not we were interesting. When they do, they’ll assign some under-paid graduate student the task of cataloging these funny slogans and such. That grad student will then write a book, or whatever they have then. That’ll subsidize the bank account.
[re=20715]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

Ah ha…

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 19, 2008 at 11:00 pm

Sorry, that should be “not all right to not be proud.”

Damn martinis.

El Bombastico June 19, 2008 at 11:04 pm

Jesus Christ, I go to the gym for one hour, and in that time, an internet meme is born, lives a crazy beautiful life, and dies an ignoble death.

At least Truck Nutz will live forever.

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 11:05 pm

[re=20717]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: But you are mistaken. Who the fuck is “Rudy?” The only mayor from NYC that I remember defending us from the terror-cists? His name is 9/11. However he can also be called “9/12.”

RuperttheBear June 19, 2008 at 11:11 pm

[re=20704]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Guiltpees. “L-9/11″ How true. How so very fucking true.

illnoise June 19, 2008 at 11:22 pm

A All your base; All Internet Traditions, Awareness of.
B Buttsecks, Badger Badger Badger, Bananaphone
C Cheezberger, I can has; Girls, 2 and 1 cup
D Dramatic Chipmunk
E Evil Bert
F Feiss, Ellen; FAIL
G Gondry, Michel, solving Rubiks Cube; Goatse
H Hamster Dance, House of Cosbys
I It’s Gonna be Hot
J Joe, GI Body Massage Machine
K Kikkoman
L LOLcats, LonelyGirl15
M Mentos, Diet Coke and; Mahir, I Kiss You
N Norris, Chuck
O OK Go; O RLY?
P PEGASI! PEGASI; Paul, Ron; Peter Pan dude
Q “Quit making fun of Britney, OK!?”
R Rickroll
S Shreds, Guitar; Strife, Gonads and
T Tron guy; Turtles, I like
U
V Vader, Chad
W Wizard People, Dear Reader; WALNUTS!
X
Y
Z Zonday, Tay

OK, I got nothing for U, X, and Y. But the rest of that list was frighteningly easy to come up with.

blahb June 19, 2008 at 11:26 pm

Strange that anyone cares.

Gopherit v2.0 June 19, 2008 at 11:34 pm

Please note, I am not the genius behind that image. It came from a comment o the aforementioned blog (source of the meme) from a guy named Pookie Sinclair. I am but the messenger.

I do believe pookie to be a lost member of our tribe.

Monsieur Grumpe June 19, 2008 at 11:37 pm

[re=20710]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

Z is for Zymurgy.
At least that’s what I learned in drunk school.
Otherwise B++!

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 11:40 pm

[re=20729]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:
My GPA ending college was a 2.9; so ya, you are actually on target.

Mr Blifil June 20, 2008 at 12:04 am

What about a lapel pin or button to the effect of: “Luddites get w-a-a-a-y more pussy”

Tits_LaRue June 20, 2008 at 12:33 am
Tits_LaRue June 20, 2008 at 12:36 am

I made more: Sorry for the multiple posts… (can’t post more than one link in a comment…)
http://i262.photobucket.com/albums/ii118/Tits_LaRue/ANIMATED/INTERNET_TRADITIONS/INTERNET_TRADITIONS_Bobross.gif

Tits_LaRue June 20, 2008 at 12:36 am
Tits_LaRue June 20, 2008 at 12:36 am
Tits_LaRue June 20, 2008 at 12:37 am
gurukalehuru June 20, 2008 at 12:42 am

For the 1st time in my life, I feel smarter for being stupider.

El Bombastico June 20, 2008 at 12:51 am

[re=20728]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Pookie Sinclair?!? Chris Rock and Larry Sinclair’s love child?

Jewdishoowary Square June 20, 2008 at 1:39 am

The poop-brown awareness ribbon is a nice touch, Ken.

shortsshortsshorts June 20, 2008 at 2:06 am

[re=20745]gurukalehuru[/re]: And now you are catching on.

RaptorAvatar June 20, 2008 at 2:24 am

I can has teh internetz traditions?

shortsshortsshorts June 20, 2008 at 2:54 am

Off a bit?
Drunk and going to a sleepy place full of WALNUTS naps, but why so many pages to navigate? Arrrh you peepol triangle to keel your salves? It would seem that Our Editor and Ze Staff are putting themselves in a ba’t si-zuacion.

Sabre_Justice June 20, 2008 at 3:24 am

[re=20725]illnoise[/re]: You forget ‘Cake is a Lie’.

bago June 20, 2008 at 5:28 am

Hitlol killed all of the furries in the lollercaust.

Borat June 20, 2008 at 5:37 am

[re=20710]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I suggest you use your A-Z whenever you need to spell something to a call center operator. Why say A for Alpha B for Bravo etc when you can use much more interesting works

Buster June 20, 2008 at 7:50 am

Sorry to spoil your party, but he didn’t say he knew all Internet traditions. He doesn’t have very good grammar, but he’s saying he’s aware of all of the Internet traditions in which someone uses block quotes. I think this is kind of silly.

RuperttheBear June 20, 2008 at 8:11 am

[re=20775]Buster[/re]: First, I think you wandered into the wrong blog. Did you link here from DailyKos? Second, if you read the conjunction as establishing a parallel construction, vanderloon is indeed saying “I am aware of all internet traditions. . . ” a reading of the sentence that is preferable given the “also” following the conjunction (which implies that the second portion of the sentence is in addition to what precedes it); “not having good grammar” excuses nothing since intentionality is besides the point on the intarwebs. Third, this spoils nothing. Fourth, you thinking this is silly is kind of like grandma not liking 2 girls 1 cup, i.e. Mission Accomplished. And finally, you ken not takk mah buhket.

Mahousu June 20, 2008 at 8:24 am

[re=20717]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: I always thought “using the Internet” was just a euphemism for masturbation.

Walter Sobchak June 20, 2008 at 8:48 am

[re=20776]RuperttheBear[/re]: [re=20775]Buster[/re]: In both alphabets, you forgot “Pwned.” Which is exactly what just happened to Buster.

DoctorCulturae June 20, 2008 at 8:50 am

[re=20776]RuperttheBear[/re]: well said

[re=20775]Buster[/re]: Dude. C’mon. Poststructuralism 101.

RobPetrified June 20, 2008 at 8:50 am

Did TROLL become TROLLOP?
Or does that reflect the female gender of McCains cunt bashing?
It’s so hard to keep up sometimes.

@illnoise: Uber. Yknow, Xakly.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 20, 2008 at 8:52 am

[re=20704]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I TURN YOU INTO FROG WITH FINGER is my new favorite.

ThreeFingersNeat June 20, 2008 at 8:56 am

[re=20743]Tits_LaRue[/re]: You have a keen grasp of internet traditions, but apparently way too much time on your hands for someone named Tits. I’m a little disappointed, though, that the water skiing squirrel is missing.

Servo June 20, 2008 at 9:10 am

Whatever happened to having a signature style?

TGY June 20, 2008 at 9:24 am

Dammit, at least LOLcat that up: “Teh intarwebs tradishuns: I knows dem!”

The Neoskeptic June 20, 2008 at 9:28 am

[re=20714]Turd Way[/re]: urban dictionary

TGY June 20, 2008 at 9:33 am

Or AYBABTU it: “All your intarwebs traditions are known by me.” Um. AYITAKBM

Sussemilch June 20, 2008 at 9:40 am

Y = YARLY

bago June 20, 2008 at 10:31 am

John McCain is unaware of all internet traditions.

The Neoskeptic June 20, 2008 at 10:40 am

a partial list of my favorite interwebz tradishuns

A- Anal; Abe Froman;
B- BCC; BBW; Blog, Blogging, Blogger; Bosnian Snipers; Bring em on;
C- Comment thread; Chat room; Craigslist; Craig, Larry;
D- D/D free; Digg, Dugg, Digger;
E- Evar; eTard;
F- F the President;
G- Gopher, Dramatic; GGG; GFE; Gram the one eyed snake;
H- Hope; Hair-cut, $400; haandjob;
I- Interwebz; Internets; Intertubes; i; Is our children learning?;

P- Pissing Grandmas; Paultards;

S- Stay the course; Santorum; Steamroom;
T- Toe-tapping; Trolling; Turned a corner; Those great legs running;
U- User-Generated Content; Urinating, (Cindy Shehan, on the grave of her son);
V- Vitter, David “Diaper”;
W- Whore Diamonds;
X- Xbox; Xenophobia;
Y- You’re killing me, Buster;

The Neoskeptic June 20, 2008 at 10:41 am

[re=20846]bago[/re]: i love your commenter icon. the new letter combining wtf! eleventy billion whore diamonds for you.

NotAnEvilLobbyist June 20, 2008 at 10:52 am

[re=20725]illnoise[/re]: Also, for S, T or H depending on how you want to characterize, you have to include those dumb Homestar Runner cartoons featuring Strongbad or Trogdor.

queeraselvis v 2.0 June 20, 2008 at 10:53 am

[re=20854]The Neoskeptic[/re]: You forgot W- Wide Stance

NotAnEvilLobbyist June 20, 2008 at 10:56 am

[re=20725]illnoise[/re]: Also, for Y, a play on the O RLY when it was changed to YA RLY. That whole thing is dumb. Also, for Z, ZOMG, because apparently saying OMG isn’t annoying enough, you have to add the Z so you can pronounce it like an actual word, like the people who say ROFFLE for ROFL.

The Neoskeptic June 20, 2008 at 10:57 am

[re=20870]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: oh perfect!

Playaz Ball June 20, 2008 at 11:13 am

“Asscorn”

econdave June 20, 2008 at 11:30 am

Now I’m going to be humming songs from “Fiddler on the Roof” all day.

metropolitan June 20, 2008 at 11:39 am

so i don’t get it, some right wing freaks didn’t understand humor because it was in blockquotes? would it have been better if it had a smiley next to it so his uptight internet tradition protocol was followed?
fuck you and your internet traditions.
this whole sticking to “traditions” thing is basic right wing bullshit were arbitrary rules are somehow set in stone, and i don’t mean in the internet, i mean in such things as male-female marriage, flag pins, no homosexuals in the military, etc. if you fall for their frame that traditions are unwritten rules that have to be followed just because they exist you’re setting yourself up as a chump.

Tits_LaRue June 20, 2008 at 12:20 pm

[re=20782]ThreeFingersNeat[/re]: Naw, it takes about 3 seconds to put text on an existing animated gif in Fireworks, I only chose a few because, uh, yeah, I do have better things to attend to! I didn’t get to the more obvious stuff and I probably never will because I’m already “over it” hahahaha
I still might do a McCain one today, tho’

Ken Layne June 20, 2008 at 12:36 pm

[re=20775]Buster[/re]: Gosh, ya think? (Ask your caregiver for help navigating away from this site.)

illnoise June 20, 2008 at 12:48 pm

[re=20875]NotAnEvilLobbyist[/re]: This woman I work with pronounces “WTF” as “DUB-tiff.” So we make fun of her by asking her “Is ‘ROFL’ pronounced ‘Roffle’ or ‘ROW-full’?” and “Sarah, is ‘IIRC’ one, two, or three syllables?”

NotAnEvilLobbyist June 20, 2008 at 1:25 pm

[re=21065]illnoise[/re]: Not to give away my nerd card more, but that story is very familiar. I have a friend that I used to play a certain online video game with who says WTF as “WTFuck,” which is admittedly funny when they say it the first few times, but not after that. Dub-tiff would just grate on me if I had to hear it often. Lollerskates and the rofflecopters are other things that are not, never were, and never will be, funny despite their niche internet meme stardom.

Carrie_Okie June 20, 2008 at 2:31 pm

It’s a trap.

metropolitan June 20, 2008 at 2:45 pm

[re=21107]NotAnEvilLobbyist[/re]:
in terms of the internet not crossing over well into flesh and blood/brick and mortar life…
i went to see my gfriend’s (pronounced “girlfriend”) band and there was a “comedian” who opened up the show. she mumbled to herself, showed some short no punchline comedy videos starring her hamsters in costumes and her mother and said some pitter patter which included saying “just kidding” as JK (jay-kay), LOL, LMAO (el-mao) and other bits. i felt like i was experiencing one of those videodrome moments were the internet comes to life. all in all her whole schtick i’m sure is much funnier on youtube and her blog.

Entitynein June 20, 2008 at 6:19 pm

I got to the party late, but here’s my contribution:

McCain is Unaware

beanish June 20, 2008 at 7:40 pm
gliberal June 21, 2008 at 6:05 am

Isn’t it technically “Internets traditions”?

josereyes.theroof June 21, 2008 at 10:51 pm

This all ends like Indiana Jones & the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull: Harrison Ford, standing on monolithic ruin, will watch in awe as the e*tards (+1, Q) launch their mothercraft into “the space between space”.

Manamongst June 24, 2008 at 9:39 am

Oh VanderLoon…

“I’m aware that Scarlett Johansson is hot. Does that mean I’m dating her?”

BillKarwin June 25, 2008 at 12:52 pm

The internet used to be a grand and beautiful thing, it worked perfectly, there was plenty of bandwidth, and it was gradually collecting useful content like brainy scientific abstracts, geological maps, and classic literature. There were no mashups, no feeds, and no spam.

Then someone let all these users into it.

Now how is that the internet’s fault?

shortsshortsshorts June 27, 2008 at 1:43 am

[re=24256]BillKarwin[/re]: I don’t know. Perhaps you can share a story about your birth?

Sortofexpat October 14, 2008 at 5:14 pm

I am definitely not aware of all internet traditions, which is why I’m using this as a sandbox, which is why I should probably be banned for all eternity.

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