ALL MAGAZINES ALL THE TIME  5:08 pm June 19, 2008

Hillary Clinton Is Greatest Politician Since Pericles

by Jim Newell

Here’s yet another profile from another New York magazine that we read due to boredom, although this magazine is literally called New York. This story is about your favorite recluse, Hillary Clinton, and the last days of her campaign. The writer gets many interviews with her, too! The gist of the story is that because of her utter failure as a politician, strategist and manager for the first year of her campaign, followed by her complete switch to manipulation, demagoguery, lies and pandering after her loss was almost mathematically sealed, Hillary Clinton at this very moment is a “Superstar,” the greatest fucking mammal this world has seen or will ever know.

Some arbitrary thoughts:

  • Only this can capture the Epic Hero Hillary Clinton, to whom even fucking Zeus answers: “With her back against the wall, she both found her groove and let loose her raging id, turning herself into a character at once awful and wonderful, confounding and inspiring—thus enlarging herself to the point where she became iconic. She is bigger now than any woman in the country. Certainly, she is bigger than her husband. And although in the end she may wind up being dwarfed by Obama, for the moment she is something he is not: fully, poignantly human.” Whoa whoa whoa, she’s still a human at this point? Isn’t this supposed to be the part where every God from every religion enshrines in Hillary their Powers of Light and deigns her Divine Universal Overlord? Oh, that’s later? Nevermind then, we’ll wait. Hillary is a full human and Obama is a fraud, moving on.
  • Hillary wasn’t a full human in the beginning, because her husband and Bowser locked her in some sort of castle where the robot slaves were obsessed with fake political experience: “As the architects of her campaign, they believed they were designing a well-appointed estate in which the candidate would be comfortable—but instead it turned out to be a prison, where the iron bars were the leaden rhetoric of ’35 years of experience,’ ‘ready to lead,’ yadda yadda yadda. And although it took Hillary some time to realize that she’d allowed herself to be thus incarcerated, realize it she eventually did. The jailbreak she staged came too late to save her from defeat. But not too late to keep her from emerging as a hell of a politician.” Hmm… how about “agile” politician?
  • This is the part where she kills Bill Clinton: “But from South Carolina on, it would be hard to make the case that she benefited much, if at all, from Bill. ‘Actually, from that point on,’ says one longtime friend of hers, ‘I think you’d have to say that people were voting for her in spite of him, rather than because of him.’” Aside from Bill scaring all the black people away, this is completely false. He just went off the map but was still doing many, many daily events at smaller and more rural areas, a.k.a. the ones that voted for her, where they worship Bill for unknown reasons.
  • “And if it [her coalition] had been just a tiny bit broader, she not only would have beaten Obama but put herself in a position to become a kind of female reincarnation of Bobby Kennedy, odd as that may sound.” Bobby Kennedy walked into ghettos unannounced, stood on boxes and crates in front of maybe 50 homeless people, and delivered some of the sharpest, most progressive rhetoric of a major 20th century presidential candidate. Hillary Clinton told women that MSNBC’s blacks were taking away their right to vote in Florida and Michigan. Now she is Overlord, no longer just a full human, but she was awesome then too.
  • “The endless, brutal, wrenching campaign of 2008 would have wrecked a lesser woman. Hillary tells me she feels just fine: ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’” Goddamnit. Why didn’t anyone feel sorry for Mitt Romney like this?

The Fall and Rise of Hillary Clinton [New York]

 
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{ 90 comments }

FunkyPalmettoBug June 19, 2008 at 5:12 pm

I knew Hillary was an effeminate man. I was curious since her crowds started to look like Cher concert crowds, but great jumping jesus on a pogo stick at that pic.

Outstando June 19, 2008 at 5:18 pm

Is Outstando going to have to smack a city?

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 5:21 pm

Hi Hillary.
Bye Hillary.

See you when you are the VEEP candidate!
Not.

SuperRounder June 19, 2008 at 5:23 pm

Wow. Te miracle of modern photography. She almost doesn’t look like a person who nearly sold out her own party to get what she wanted.

But it does look like the photographer told her “Imagine you have Barack Obama’s balls in your hand” and then snapped her first reaction.

El Bombastico June 19, 2008 at 5:23 pm

So, she spent the last two weeks recouperating from cheekbone implant surgery?

Shypixel June 19, 2008 at 5:24 pm

Why are all you people acting as if her campaign is over?

I’ve seen no evidence of that, and will not believe it until after the surprise attack at the august convention.

Even then, I expect to see a write-in campaign.

This is like the part of the movie where the killer is supposedly dead, laying next to his machete, and the hero decides to take a breather rather than finish the job…

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez June 19, 2008 at 5:26 pm

Jesus god! That stuff is vomitous.

StupidGeek June 19, 2008 at 5:28 pm

What’s up with the 7 page profiles? No one is interesting enough to warrant 7 full pages of crap.

Shmucky DeFukhed June 19, 2008 at 5:28 pm

The smartest woman who ever lived used her awesome executive experience to turn her own “coronation” into a defeat at the hands of arguably the most unqualified nominee ever put forth by a major political party.

I don’t know about you but I think that’s awfully funny.

pondscum June 19, 2008 at 5:28 pm

Did she have a stroke?

AxmxZ June 19, 2008 at 5:29 pm

Hillary Pericles will now deliver oral. I mean, an oration.

SayItWithWookies June 19, 2008 at 5:30 pm

“She is bigger now than any woman in the country.”

I sense a disturbance in the Force — as though Oprah is getting angry….

JohnnyMac June 19, 2008 at 5:32 pm

This ‘reporter’ must have spent as much time lying about the Evil in Hitlery’s heart as the graphic artist did hiding the ugly in her face. In both cases they had to go to such great lengths that the resulting image is a hideous farce that appears far from human.

SayItWithWookies June 19, 2008 at 5:32 pm

[re=20493]Shmucky DeFukhed[/re]: Um — George W. Bush?

RuperttheBear June 19, 2008 at 5:33 pm

She’s a hell of a politician, as far as I know.

Is “Heilemann” German for asspumpkin?

Quacker June 19, 2008 at 5:34 pm

That’s the Madame Tussauds Museum wax figure, right? If that’s actually Hillary, she’s been dead since just before Christmas.

AzDownboy June 19, 2008 at 5:35 pm

Pericles?

James Carveille said she was Testicles

Nasara June 19, 2008 at 5:36 pm

Wow, they have a whole magazine just for the city, and/or state, of New York, now? How fucking useless.

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 5:37 pm

[re=20499]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yes, my son?

bitchincamaro June 19, 2008 at 5:39 pm

Typical MSM asslicking “journalism”; when the real story is how she and,
(yes, admit it people) Barry were at this AIPAC kosher shindig to make nice with
the folks who can supposedly, make or break a run for the presidency in these United
States. Pardon me while I vomit.

DoctorCulturae June 19, 2008 at 5:40 pm

Her cheeks look funny cuz she’s imitating Walnuts.

The Incomparable Tiny Valdez June 19, 2008 at 5:44 pm

Is that a little smirk, Hillary?

tunamelt June 19, 2008 at 5:47 pm

[re=20501]Quacker[/re]: They really emphasized the fact that she’s white. She’s like, Casper, in this pic, with the lighting and the background.

Dave J. June 19, 2008 at 5:48 pm

And if it [her coalition] had been just a tiny bit broader..

Yeah, if, if, if. But, it wasn’t. So, she lost.

tunamelt June 19, 2008 at 5:48 pm

[re=20507]DoctorCulturae[/re]: Her cheeks look funny cuz she’s storing walnuts. For the winter.

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 5:51 pm

For all who did not read the silly article:
It basically states that Hillary dodged sniper for you and you all just sit here making fun of the freedom she SACRIFICED for you…. oh Gawd. One of those rants is coming on…

WE ARE NEW YORK MAGAZINE AND WE ARE SO ANGRY ABOUT HILLARY THAT WE ARE VOTING FOR WALNUTS HE IS SPECIAL AND WE LOVE SPECIAL PEOPLE THAT ARE FRAGILE AND OLD NOOOOBAMA NO NEVER FUCK JEEBUS.

Truck NUTZ!!!!!!!1!

Borat June 19, 2008 at 5:52 pm

Biiiiaaaaccchh

What’s with the extra-whitey heaven-like theme of this cover. Why not justput little clouds and 72 virgins around?

In the same way her campaign black-ified the Big O, we should paint her in the proper color. I’m seeing flames and pitchfork people

Canuckledragger June 19, 2008 at 5:52 pm

Certainly, she is bigger than her husband…But from South Carolina on, it would be hard to make the case that she benefited much, if at all, from Bill.”

Conveniently left out of this equation, of course, is the singularly self-evident fact that, were it not for Bubba, nobody would have ever heard of her!

But, equally self-evident is that my saying so only proves what a sexist, misogynistic male chauvinist pig I am.

Why is it so hard to square my presence in the reality-based community with whatever the fuck they put in the Chablis of New York pseudo-intellectual dingbats? I mean really, people actually get paid to generate such faux-”deep” twatulence?

RacerMex June 19, 2008 at 5:53 pm

Just like the south, Hillary will rise again. She will come to washington astride a golden calf surrounded by her hillbilly army and besiege our northern cities. She will not quit till she is corinated president for life, and recieves garments made from the skin of her enemies list members.

Rosalindavenue June 19, 2008 at 5:53 pm

I love how she’s “working her HEART out for O-Beeeamah” (it is hard to type a Chicago accident). And did a poster say “arguably the most unqualified nominee ever put forth by a major political party”– oh really? Arguable only if your’re a 70+ bewigged Hilltard or you have a “W The President” sticker on your Hummer. Which translates to “Not arguable at all”

Iggy Plop June 19, 2008 at 5:55 pm

but is she finally bigger than her pant-suited ass?!

nhunter June 19, 2008 at 5:55 pm

[re=20504]Nasara[/re]: Wow, they have a whole magazine just for the city, and/or state, of New York, now?

No. I’m guessing the purpose of the magazine is pretty much exclusively for local bars, boutiques, restuarants, realtors, and plastic surgeons to advertise. Most of the copy will be interviews with the same local luminaries who purchase the advertising.

metropolitan June 19, 2008 at 5:59 pm

ah yes, vindication in losing, a classic.
i love how people have been telling us how great she is that she gave a speech supporting obama, days after he clinched the primary and only due to pressure coming from her own big shot politician supporters.
hillary is no al gore.

edgydrifter June 19, 2008 at 6:04 pm

Jesus, Lieberman is starting to look downright weird. oh, wait…

Dave J. June 19, 2008 at 6:06 pm

[re=20531]metropolitan[/re]: Hey, what about that speech she gave in which she specifically addressed McCain’s abysmal record on every issue of importance to Democratic women, and urged her female supporters to not support McCain?

Oh. Riiiiiiight.

Seriously, when she gives THAT speech, I’ll give her some credit. But for now it’s only been a grudging admission that the other candidate won, and that’s not exactly praiseworthy in my book.

Aurelio June 19, 2008 at 6:07 pm

The apotheosis of Hillary Clinton. Like Vespasian on his deathbed, she can say, “Vae, puto, dea fio.” And she can quote Nietzsche to prove it: “Was nicht mich umbringt, macht mir staerker.” Woman becomes Superwoman.

Gopherit v2.0 June 19, 2008 at 6:08 pm

At the risk of sounding like a Paultard, the description in that first paragraph sounded more like Galadriel, than the backbiting, menapausal, stilted cow that we were subject to in Hillary Clinton. Seriously, if I were forced to surf that article, I would probably use my keyboard to club myself to unconsciousness than to read past page 1.

El Bombastico June 19, 2008 at 6:10 pm

[re=20527]nhunter[/re]: True. New York magazine is essentially a glorified Penny Saver. I bought a used trampoline out of it once.

Wait.. thrify nickel.. pro-Hillary. Call Ed Hale.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 19, 2008 at 6:11 pm

[re=20485]SuperRounder[/re]:

Here is the original photo of Hillary before they got it ready for the cover:

http://trekmovie.com/wp-content/uploads/corbomite/wavy_balok.jpg

edgydrifter June 19, 2008 at 6:12 pm

[re=20538]Aurelio[/re]: That would be “Hooray for Me! I’m the Goddess of Whores!” in Hillspeak.

zhubajie June 19, 2008 at 6:14 pm

Are we sure she’s a mammal?

Zhu Bajie

AxmxZ June 19, 2008 at 6:15 pm

[re=20539]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Galadriel + Ring of Power = mega-estro-spaz.

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 6:16 pm

[re=20547]zhubajie[/re]: If we go with the saying “you are what you eat,” then yes.

FunkyPalmettoBug June 19, 2008 at 6:21 pm

[re=20531]metropolitan[/re]: Losing politicians always give their best speech and look the best after they’ve dropped out. Thats why they’re losers.

populucious June 19, 2008 at 6:25 pm

And if it [her coalition] had been just a tiny bit broader, she not only would have beaten Obama but put herself in a position to become a kind of female reincarnation of Bobby Kennedy

If Obama supporters had just been a tiny bit fewer…
If wishes were horses…
If caucuses didn’t count, and Hills had run a campaign for the political system we have as opposed to the one her dumb nut advisors thought we had…
If Hillary’s rhetoric had been more inspirational, Kennedy-esque if you will, as opposed to
reheated closet conservatism…

Then we could all live on Planet Hillary, where everyone’s a pony that eats rainbows and poops butterflies! Whee!

PioBaroja June 19, 2008 at 6:31 pm

Apparently in the initials HRC, the C stands for Christ.

ronaldpagan June 19, 2008 at 6:39 pm

Obama’s not a full human? That is NOT racial transcendence!

Servo June 19, 2008 at 6:40 pm

It’s like the Monday morning NFL coaches. If they had…if they had…if they had…they would’ve won. They didn’t…so they lost…and so did she. Tough shit!

Servo June 19, 2008 at 6:42 pm

That photo is perfect for her “Saleswoman of the Month” at the Hyundai dealer.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 19, 2008 at 6:44 pm

[re=20567]ronaldpagan[/re]:

His Mother was Human, his (or is that “His”) father was Vulcan.

jagorev June 19, 2008 at 6:45 pm

That cover is going to haunt my nightmares. Thank goodness I don’t subscribe.

Borat June 19, 2008 at 6:47 pm

[re=20522]Canuckledragger[/re]: The only way we will ever know if Hillz is bigger than Billz to to measure the diameter of their undies. Any volunteers? Sorry girls, I guess both of them won’t be looking for guys to help out

Tits_LaRue June 19, 2008 at 6:48 pm

Damn. This guy basically wrote a 7-page letter to Penthouse about Hillary for the 30 people who would jack off to it… now, that’s niche porn!

Tits_LaRue June 19, 2008 at 6:49 pm

[re=20571]jagorev[/re]: Dude, the eyes totally follow you across the room like the paintings in the Hunted Mansion at Disneyland.

RaptorAvatar June 19, 2008 at 6:50 pm

[re=20486]El Bombastico[/re]: Seriously. It looks like she went under the knife in the name of transforming from “distirbingly girlish” to “Part scorpion.”

problemwithcaring June 19, 2008 at 6:50 pm

I haven’t read writing this pedestrian and laboriously preening since my college newspaper.

Well-fitting tribute.

Borat June 19, 2008 at 6:51 pm

[re=20527]nhunter[/re]: The magazine is exlcusively available in dentists offices waiting rooms. It is frequently stolen from there by wannabies who think it will be impressive on their coffee table at parties.

Gopherit v2.0 June 19, 2008 at 6:54 pm

A comment from one of the Hilltards at NY Magazine
“You Obamabots just don’t get it, do you.

It’s not about policy, it’s not about party and it’s not about gaming the system.

Hillary is a steak. McCain is a steak. Obama is a box of Twinkies.

Twinkies taste great, but you can’t live on them. And that’s it, in a nutshell.”

Can you really call it “steak” if it came from a horse’s ass?

RaptorAvatar June 19, 2008 at 7:01 pm

Jesus, all the comments on that story are like a paragraph long and none of them are funny.

graceless June 19, 2008 at 7:02 pm

[re=20485]SuperRounder[/re]: She looks like a doctor, or a dentist. No, Nurse Cratchett!

graceless June 19, 2008 at 7:07 pm

[re=20523]RacerMex[/re]: Q: Is that members of her enemies list, or the skin of her enemies’ members?

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 7:10 pm

[re=20585]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: I TOTARRY AGWEE.

CometHasTheFloor June 19, 2008 at 7:16 pm

I just donated a shiny, hard-earned penny to Ed over at Web Designers Who Suck at Life for Hillary Clinton. My impression is that PayPal will be charging him $0.30029 to process this penny. This can’t actually be true, because it would be far too easy to destroy my many PayPal-using enemies if it were, but I haven’t managed to locate the relevant fine print yet. Either way, it seemed like the right thing to do.

Also: nice little column today in The Nation.

agingboomerguy June 19, 2008 at 7:38 pm

FunkyPalmettoBug: Hillary IS NOT “effeminate”. You take that back!

FunkyPalmettoBug June 19, 2008 at 7:46 pm

[re=20600]CometHasTheFloor[/re]: Odd that they’ve taken down how many “members” they have.

Neilist June 19, 2008 at 8:03 pm

Jesus.

I haven’t seen a face that riven since Tom Beringer’s makeup job in “Platoon.”

:::Shudder:::

Borat June 19, 2008 at 8:09 pm

[re=20523]RacerMex[/re]: luv it. thought it already happened when they moved from Lil’rock and stole the state china

AxmxZ June 19, 2008 at 8:19 pm

[re=20585]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: That’s bullshit. Obama is lembas.

Gopherit v2.0 June 19, 2008 at 8:44 pm

[re=20634]AxmxZ[/re]: Yeah, I would have thought Walnuts! would be the twinky: White on the outside, whiter on the inside, and could be a thousand years old with all the preservatives holding it together.

masterdebater June 19, 2008 at 8:49 pm

I hate what they can do with modern photography. You know, how they can make almost anyone, except Ann Coulter, look like you would do her. I know, I feel dirty, and ashamed…and like I have really low standards. Like Bill!

AxmxZ June 19, 2008 at 8:52 pm

[re=20647]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: As far as I can see it, there is one key difference between McCain and Twinkies: the latter can take more abuse without compromising their integrity.

AxmxZ June 19, 2008 at 8:53 pm

[re=20653]masterdebater[/re]: On the other hand, really good-looking people always lose out when air-brushed and start looking like mannequins.

confusionanddelay< June 19, 2008 at 8:58 pm

Jeez. The article and her face were both airbrushed into oblivion.

ChatteringClass June 19, 2008 at 9:05 pm

[re=20494]pondscum[/re]: That was my first impression about that pic… that or those creepy 1/2 Hillary 1/2 Obama covers that showed up on some mags a few weeks back.

schvitzatura June 19, 2008 at 9:27 pm

Denial is the most predictable of all human responses. But, rest assured, this will be the nth time we have destroyed the Democratic Party, and we have become exceedingly efficient at it…

schvitzatura June 19, 2008 at 9:34 pm

[re=20634]AxmxZ[/re]: Harriet Christian, gollum! gollum!

Obama, perhaps a box of deep fried twinkies, enrobed with a profound shell of Valrhona 85% cacao Noir Afrique chocolate. Dusted with Colombo Sri Lankan cinnamon…

AxmxZ June 19, 2008 at 9:52 pm

[re=20682]schvitzatura[/re]: I like my Presidential nominees like I like my coffee: eaten by feral cats, then pooped out, ground up into powder, boiled, and drunk by rich hipsters. Vote John McCain.

gliberal June 19, 2008 at 9:56 pm

If you hold the magazine at the correct angle, you can almost make out her knee pads. Both halves of her face do not match. Coincidence? I think not.

slavojzizek June 19, 2008 at 10:04 pm

[re=20522]Canuckledragger[/re]: All her husband ever did was be a two term president, and survive a bizarre impeachment attempt to finish off with quite high approval ratings. Did he ever drag a losing campaign on and on until everyone who once supported you was begging you to quit? I don’t think so.

shortsshortsshorts June 19, 2008 at 10:59 pm

[re=20699]slavojzizek[/re]: Yes. He did. Unfortunately.

Things were a bit different in the 90′s (DISCLAIMER: I COULD NOT VOTE IN THAT TIME). Hillary made the pathetic, but decent point, that in ’92 Billy didn’t clinch until June as well. Also, there have been a few fuck-ups in the primary system with every state deciding that they too deserve to have their primary 31/2 years before November. Another thing we can t’ank Monkey Boy (George not Barry) for.

Johnny Zhivago June 19, 2008 at 11:26 pm

After the cover was printed, the printing press was so full of evil they had to run off millions of pages of kitten photos.

Mr Blifil June 19, 2008 at 11:58 pm

I hear there’s a limited edition special print of the magazine with an alternate cover, showing the same close-up from the same photo shoot after the facial.

Inadequate Blackmail June 20, 2008 at 12:30 am

Bobby Kennedy my ass. Hillary has been Hubert Humphrey since day one.

codfish June 20, 2008 at 1:10 am

[re=20732]Mr Blifil[/re]: Oh God, HillPorn!

shortsshortsshorts June 20, 2008 at 2:21 am

Sexy.
For once.

ronaldpagan June 20, 2008 at 2:31 am

Who are you granny-issues-having sickos saying you would sleep with Hillary in this picture? I would let her make me a batch of cookies and ask me why a nice girl like me isn’t married, but little else.

shortsshortsshorts June 20, 2008 at 2:57 am

[re=20762]ronaldpagan[/re]: Umm, and then you would munch. C’mon. I was star-struck when L. Craig met meeeee for the worst time *did not happen.

ronaldpagan June 20, 2008 at 3:49 am

[re=20767]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: My very liberal Democratic-opposition-research-doing Wonkette-reading friend met Orrin Hatch at some politician shindig in DC. Did he tell him off? Oh no! He marched right up to Orrin all drunk and went, “Senator Hatch, it’s an honor to meet you. I too am from the West and I know how it feels to be so far from home. Thank you for all the good work you are doing.”

No, this friend is not me. I don’t get invited to important parties.

TGY June 20, 2008 at 9:09 am

Argh. That article is as flattering as the TONS OF FOUNDATION they must’ve used on her for the photo. My God, that’s above and beyond. The only reason she doesn’t look like Cindy McC. is they did her neck, too. The reason her smile looks crooked is because it’s started to slip off her lips to try and find a way out from under the makeup.

[re=20762]ronaldpagan[/re]: Granny issues, eh? Not all of us are whippersnappers. “Why, in my day, John McCain was a young man…*wheez*”

srow June 20, 2008 at 11:12 am

That piece is indeed bollocks. But NY Mag is fantastic overally. Bettuh reckanize!

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