Hello cougar!Michelle Obama did The View yesterday, so today sasspants Cindy McCain visited Good Morning America. We were too busy sleeping or something to actually watch this wee interview, but here is a recording of it! After the jump, an exclusive Wonkette Record-O-Blog, which is like a liveblog, except recorded.

7:12 AM — In some countries, they keep children in closets! Also, one third of the country has no idea who Cindy McCain is.
7:12 AM — “I don’t think I’m very mysterious.” The interviewer asks, “But what of the people who think you’re a terrible elitist because you’re a gazillionaire beer heiress?” Cindy, seductively: “Come and get to know me.” We’re blushing.
7:13 AM — Why should a woman support John McCain when he’s pro-life? Because he loves the war, which is the most pro-woman thing of all. “I think Michelle Obama is a fine woman.” Finally, everyone in America can agree on something.
7:14 AM — Get up off the couch and volunteer! Cindy casts her mind back to the time she came home with a new baby and John was like, “You know what goes good with that? Lemon pepper.”

Cindy McCain GMA Interview [RedLasso]

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  1. John and I love to go for long walks on the beach and hear the waves gently lapping up against the shore. It gets a little chilly, of course, since we always have to get back into our coffins by sunrise or he turns a sickening cottage cheese color.

  2. Why yes, he often calls me “cunt.” It’s just a silly little, affectionate family nickname people have called me since I was a little girl. I usually just call him a baby torturing napalmer or something, we have a good laugh, and it’s on to the next of his merry little japes. Life with John is really a riot!

  3. Yes, John is getting a little more jowlly as the years go by, but we have fun with it. I mean, nothing turns a woman on more than a couple of sagging, flaccid, baggy cheek sacs stuffed with savings and loan bribe money, unless of course it’s a big firm colostomy bag, and let me tell you, John’s pretty well endowed in that department, if you know what I mean.

  4. Well you know, sex for an older couple is different than it is when you’re both young. It’s certainly less athletic, if you know what I mean, but it can still be sweet and fun. Of course at my age I get a little dry, and John isn’t quite as, well, big as he once was, but it’s just amazing what these new pills and lubricants can do, especially when you’re doing it up the behind . . . oh, I guess I shouldn’t have said that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!

  5. Did anybody notice the stream at the bottom that said that NY is going to pass a “sex trafficking statute.” YES! You people with “dirty little secrets” shan’t hide them no more! One round of sex-slaves, on me.

  6. Come and get to know me. I make a mean Percocet quesadilla, it’s a family recipe that goes back generations. Um, I mean I got it off

  7. Her eyes dart left and right while she speaks. She reminds me of a movie, and I can’t remember the title. Guy is hexed, falls in love with an overweight girl, but sees her as a complete hottie. Her friends (hotties) then looked like dried out old crones. Help me out here.
    Cindy McCain looks like a dried out old crone.

  8. I think Michelle is a wonderful woman. She’s doing a wonderful job raising those two little pickaninny girls of hers. How they deal with all that kinky hair is just a marvel to me! She’s doing a great job of keeping her butt from getting out of hand too, because those people have such problems with their butts getting so big. I think it’s something to do with the fried chicken. And all that barbecued pork. And of course the oral sex can’t be helping. All those extra calories!! Goodness.

  9. [re=20064]Paultardville[/re]: Thanks! She looks like one of Hal’s girlfriend’s friends as he sees them under the spell. Not to mention that she’s married to Wally. Had to be a lie involved there somewhere…

  10. [re=20054]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: Not to mention the chronic gum rot and bad breath, and the septic temper and the raging insecurity in comparison to his younger (and let’s face it) more virile opponent – but I reassure him that size and firmness don’t matter as long as our love is firm – anyway, I’m dry as the Kalihari down there so sex is but a distant memory …

  11. Cindy deserves high marks for finding the best dermatologists, plastic surgeons and botox experts money can buy. But girlfriend needs to go easy on that lemon yellow frosting hair dye. Its your head, Cindy, not a Betty Crocker bundt cake.

  12. Wow — you guys. What’s up with y’all? What did she say that pissed you all off so much? She was talking about helping a little baby. Jesus, y’all better check yourselves for what’s left of your human decency. Christ, I wouldn’t vote for MyCane either but fuck, what’s up with y’all. Some cruel bitches been postin’ all up in here.
    Save your venom for the real asshole: Michelle Obtard who used her TV appearance to talk abot pantyhose.

  13. Oh, well. Too bad I can’t see the clip because “redlasso” sucks the hermaphrodite reproductive organs of lower invertebrate lifeforms. Let me guess what happened:
    GMA comes back from a commercial break to find a glassy-eyed Cindy McCain digging through Diane Sawyer’s purse for drugs, then, as she’s caught, she looks up like a deer caught in the headlights of a $70,000 luxury SUV and slurs something about “…lookingk for shome gum…“?

  14. [re=20118]Makeithurt[/re]: Um, Michelle was on The View, where pantyhose are a serious topic of discussion at least once a week. If she had gone on Bill Moyers to talk about pantyhose that would be one thing, but her job on The View was to be charming and personable, and I thought she did a great job.

    Also, Cindy McCain is extremely creepy. It is lovely that they adopted that little girl, but I would rather read about it than see her talk about it in her glassy-eyed whispery monotone.

  15. It’s the differences between Cindy and John that keep their marriage strong.

    She likes her babies “poached,” whereas he prefers them “deep fried with a hint of garlic.”

    Nevertheless, I’d hit her like a velvet jackhammer and make her vote for Hopey.

    I have that kinda way with women. When I don’t shit my shorts.

  16. There’s just something creepy about showing your love for other people by making sure their unfortunate deformities are surgically addressed, but the environmental causes for their deformities (cleft palates can be caused by nutritional or vitamin deficiencies, exposure to pesticides and other industiral pollutants, as well as genetic factors) that might improve their quality of life in general.
    I don’t think it’s unfair to say Cindy’s reaction, while superficially compassionate, shows little depth of thought of feeling for the populations she is sending Operation Smile to help.

    Dammit. need snarky material.

  17. [re=20118]Makeithurt[/re]: I’m sorry, but you’re missing the entire point of this website. We are all about venomous hatred and vicious snark here, particularly toward the bitters and the publicans, plus ample dollops of butt secks and truck nutz. You want Daily Kos, which is a couple of buttons to the left of here.

  18. Too much hydrocodone this AM, Cinds? Couldn’t manage your regular neck-snapping up’do? I believe that’s the first time I’ve seen her with her hair down.

    I thought elitist unAmerican Michelle was supposed to be the one undergoing the image makeover?

  19. [re=20204]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: hahaha, ouch.
    “Oh, gaaahd, those poor people are hideous! Can I send them some of my old Lancome lipsticks or some botox or something? What? They can’t afford food? Well, you know what they say: ‘better to be thin than rich,’ although I wouldn’t really say that because I’m thin and rich, but really, can’t we fix their faces up if I have to go talk to them?”

  20. What is it with this woman and severe V-neck jackets and sweaters? What is she trying to point at? Why am I asking all these questions when I really don’t care in the end?

    Because it’s a lot more enjoyable to make fun of Cindy than Michelle. Is it because she’s impossibly rich, attractive in that ice queen sort of way, and Caucasian?

    Damn skippy, whitey!

  21. No matter how hard she tries, I don’t think she’ll ever convince anyone who wasn’t born into a multi-millionaire fortune that she’s “one of us.”

    Michelle, on the other hand… Hell!—everyone knows a Michelle. Am I right? I know at least three—and that’s just at work.

  22. She didn’t adopt one of the ugly ones though did she?

    Also, is it just me or is Diane Sawyer still a hot piece?

    Also, weird info on her at wiki:
    “In the early seventies she dated Henry Kissinger. In 1974 she stayed together with her boyfriend Frank Gannon, an employee and trusted friend of President Nixon, downstairs in the basement apartment of Washington society figure Kay Halle’s house…”

    Kissinger!? Nixon? a basement?

  23. [re=20302]nhunter[/re]:

    She came from Phoenix she had a thirst for barley
    She studied sculpture at a SoCal College, that’s where John caught her eye.
    She told John that her Dad was loaded
    He said in that case I’ll have a rum and coke-cola.
    She said fine and in thirty seconds time she said,

    I want to live like common people
    I want to do whatever common people do, I want to sleep with common people
    I want to sleep with common people like McCain.
    Well what else could he say – He grinned and bore the pain.

    He took her to a new election
    I don’t know why but he had to start it somewhere, so it started there.
    He said pretend you’ve got no money, she just laughed and said oh you’re so funny.
    He said yeah? Well I can’t see Rove smiling in here.

    Pretend to be like common people
    Pretend to see whatever common people see
    You have to sleep with common people,
    you have to sleep with common people like me.
    But she wanted some more thrills, so she smiled and stole some pills.

    Do some charity non-stop, bleach your hair and get botox.
    Do the talk shows, don’t be scared, pretend you’re not a millionaire.
    But still you’ll never get it right
    ‘cos when you’re laid in bed at night watching WALNUTS! climb the wall
    If you call your Dad he could stop it all.

    You’ll never live like common people
    You’ll never do what common people do
    You’ll never fail like common people
    You’ll never watch your life slide out of view, and dance and drink and screw
    Because there’s nothing else to do.

    Sing along with the common people, sing along and it might just get you thru’
    Laugh along with the common people
    Laugh along even though they’re laughing at you and the stupid things that you do.
    Because you think that poor is cool.
    I want to live with common people, I want to live with common people [etc..]

  24. Is there anything so ugly as an older woman trying to have younger hair? It’s dry, brittle, and dull. Just like her husband.

  25. [re=20349]thefrontpage[/re]: CAGE MATCH: Michelle Obama Vs. Cindy McCain.

    Who would win?

    Oh please. It would be like that final fight between Neo and Agent Smith in the Matrix. Michelle could whip Cindy in between sipping tea from a bone china cup.

  26. [re=20421]Deepthroat[/re]: JEEBUS! I didn’t read it carefully the first time. WHERE’S THE IP WIDE BAN HAMMER? Not for defending Cindy, but for sounding like a Maury Pauvich retart.

  27. She should try on a pair of trucknutz for size. How much would a video of that go for? Hard to tell if were easy or hard to shoot. But get enough blow involved I bet you got yourself a pretty serious party

  28. [re=20544]Borat[/re]: On second thought that Cindy trucnutz vid would go for like $1.99 or whatever those Gen Flowers Clinton Penis tapes were going for. Now Mrs Hopes pantyhose…let’s just say if those were there wouldnt be a need for internet donors anymore

    hey another thought (maybe cause of all i smoked tonight)…did anyone investigate if Cindy is actually the cindy from brady bunch. They kinda have the same bitchy demenor

  29. “Come and get to know me.”

    After the shuddering stops, I realize that Cindy McCain has a future career in singles chat line commercials.

    We can talk for hours…about 3rd World baby shopping.
    Call me anytime…and I’ll explain how abortions are evil and war is AWESOME.
    You know you want to…call me a c*nt trollop. Go ahead! I don’t mind!

  30. Gosh! Kept in a closet? Hidden away in the back of the house? Family wants to keep you locked away, out of sight? Oh! We’re talking about children in Viet-Nam, where Walnuts! went to kill, kill, kill? Sorry, I thought Cindy Sasspants was describing the McSame policy towards homosexuals!!

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