Wonkette
- Now that Barack Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, his staff is being extra cagey about granting reporters access to him. [New York Times]
- Virginia Senate candidates trade barbs over who will fix the gas-price problem. [Washington Post]
- Experts blame flooding in the Midwest on development: paved-over wetlands plus a narrower Mississippi River that runs faster and higher equals floods, the end. [Wall Street Journal]
- John McCain once called Donald Rumsfeld “one of the worst secretaries of defense in history,” and now Rumsfeld won’t endorse him. [The Hill]
- Hurrah, the humble tomato returns to American tables after a salmonella scare left us salsa-less. [Los Angeles Times]
Yes, but if the experts are correct, the Mississippi river is correcting the problem itself.
The real genesis of the McCain/Rumsfeld feud is which of them gets listed as the World’s Oldest Man in the Guinness Book of Records; Rumsfeld is challenging the authenticity of McCain’s Panamanian Free Zone birth certificate, and McCain is calling on Rumsfeld to be DNA tested to dispute his claim to being Czar Nicholas’ oldest son, spared in the 1917 massacre.
Would anybody actually want a Rumsfeld endorsement?
Ol’ Man River’s kinda cranky. And it shits itself.
“Now that Barack Obama is the presumptive Democratic nominee, his staff is being extra cagey about granting reporters access to him.”
Yeah, what an insensitive elitist this Hopey prick is turning out to be. Eighteen months ago, he had to give the press hummers just to be included in the pack and get his name spelled right. But now that he’s king of the world ma, he’s too busy to do sitdowns with Entertainment Tonight and the Poughkeepsie Pennysaver.
Why does Hopey so hate the freedom of the press that access to him is now restricted to, you know, actual “reporters” who swarm around him on his campaign plane and all his events? What an asshole!
Mr. Rumsfeld needed to think about it, then just issued this statement:
“As you know, you go to the election with the candidate you have, not the candidate you might want or wish to have at a later time, irregardless of whether you know him, because there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But as far as candidates such as McCain go, there are also unknown unknowns — the ones we don’t know we don’t know.”
Personally, I am blaming the Midwest floods on California gay marriage.
Rumsfeld’s nonendorsement is the best news McCain’s heard all week.
WadISay: You laugh, but I heard that very statement (devoid of irony) not two days ago, about how America is being punished with a coming famine because of the gays in California.
WadISay: Me too. Once the midwest is wiped away in God’s flood, he’ll send a rainbow like he did to noah, and all shall be gay and full of hopey unicorns.
WadISay: America didn’t change its ways after 9/11, an event also caused by God because of gay maariage.
Hopey is just playing tagsies with the press to keep them fascinated and emotionally involved. Gotta keep that epicene mystique.
Damn good thing that Raygun made Ketchup a vegetable or this whole tomato thing could have been a disaster.
Rumsfeld told The Hill that he has not followed the presidential elections, but instead has been focused on work for his private foundation, AMPUCARE, which focuses on amputating healthy limbs from third world children and forcing them to watch as baby kittens are fed to alligators.
WadISay: God is punishing the Midwest for not allowing gay marriage.
Rumsfeld is not supporting McCain? Wow, I guess that would make it really even harder to vote for the guy.
Godless Liberal *: More proof, if anyone ever needed it, that you literally can’t make this stuff up.
WadISay:
This is preliminary testing of the Dick Cheney weather machine. If you listen very closely, you can hear his laughter on the wind, “Hwahh, Hwahh…Hwahh….look at the fuckers run.”
Godless Liberal *: Wouldn’t you think that God would punish California for the gays in California? And why does nothing bad ever happen to Vermont?
Oh wise Wonkette overlords, can you IP zap Jessica and her horsedong spam?
Johnny Zhivago: If the BushAd thinks Rummy’s an asshole…hell, He’ll probably endorse Wally at some point out of sheer spite.
Barry and Michelle both like bacon, so now they can have their BLTs again! Sans mayonnaise.
(well somebody had to snark about the poor lonely tomatoes).
Darehead: I’ve been eating 3 tomatoes a day for the last month; and the pounds have just melted away.
jessica: Banhammertime.
Godless Liberal *: Uh, then why doesn’t God punish *California*? Or is just having LA in the state supposedly enough?
I guess God has rotten aim, which actually explains a lot.
MoodProcessor: Because of the salmonella? You poor thing.
jessica:
None of the girls on riderlove.com merit more than 1 1/2 whore diamonds. Sorry, but that’s just been my experience. They will let you do them in knee high leather riding boots, though, and don’t mind if you whack them on the bottom with your riding crop.
Speaking of which, where a true story:
In college I took horseback riding lessons early in the morning two days a week. That’s because the college required two P.E. credits for graduation, and I was paranoid enough that I actually believed you wouldn’t graduate if you didn’t have these dorky P.E. credits (which is bullshit, as they really didn’t enforce the requirement). At any rate, my horseback riding lessons were at 7:00 am, and at 9:00 I had a class on Frierich Nietzche. Now, there was no time to go from the lesson (which was off campus) and change my clothes in the dorm room, so I usually just showed up to class in my riding boots and stretchy breeches. I always assumed that everyone in class understood why I was dressed that way, until one day, near the end of the semester, I mentioned the riding class to a guy who sat near me in class. And the guy was like “Oh, so is that why you dress that way?” And I was like “Of course, what did you think?” and he was like “I just though it was a cool outfit, that’s all.” And I felt like a complete doofus wondering how many others in class also thought my riding attire was nothing more than a particularly goofy fashion statement.
jessica: Hey, quit advertising your filthy animal smut. We have federal judges for that.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl:
…until the Yellowstone caldera explodes and covers the entire North American continent in volcanic ash and sulphuric acid and chokes off sunlight around the globe for decades, but “Dancing with the Stars” will prevail.
Brutus Harlot: No, but Barry could possibly pay Rumsfeld of the Bailey to endorse McCain. Actually, it could be a competitive bidding process that might be quite profitable for Rummy.
Of course, Barry’s campaign must be transparent and spontaneous, and that transparency and spontaneity must be carefully controlled and choreographed.
Politics ain’t cornhole.
Mr. Busch said floods have three times destroyed his home on a 2,000-acre spread west of St. Louis.
He is as dumb as the guy who threw cheese to his cat.
And his beer is horse piss.
Brutus Harlot: that might be an unknown known?
Serolf Divad: There was a guy in my class at the U of Chicago who had long blonde pigtails and wore a Jedi cloak. A totally serviceable cloak, warm, perfectly suited to the Chicago weather for most of the academic year. When asked where he got it, he proudly told everyone that mom made it for him.
AxmxZ: There was a Pakistani dude at Georgia Tech in the mid-80s who never wore shoes. Long, wool trousers and bare feet, regardless of the season (it actually gets pretty cold in Atlanta in January). He was known by all as “the barefoot guy.”
I read a book recently that claimed that Bush beat Gore because Bush served better food & snacks to reporters. Hopey take note. The path to the White House is paved with breakfast tacos and danish pastries.
AxmxZ: we had a guy in college who wore a long green cloak and carried a sword every day, all year. He was about 6′10″ and had a long braid. He was, hold your gasps of surprise here, the President of the Morris Dancers Club and lived in a group house with the members of the Dungeons & Dragons Club.
Serolf Divad: ZOMG! You went to a class on Nietzche in jodhpurs and boots?!
Was your prof a woman? She might have bumped your grade if you’d taken your whip.
I wonder if the whiny shits in Barry’s press corps will be so adamant about following him everywhere when he decides to pay a visit to Iraq.
nhunter: They make BREAKFAST TACOS? My life has new purpose!
Doglessliberal: Cool, you went to school with my nephew.
nhunter:
Yeah, in retrospect the outfit does seem fitting. The prof. was Alexander Nehamas, though. I would have preferred Lou Salome, but only if she would have had me.
I guess since nobody else mentioned it, I’ll just say that the story of the Virginia Senate race neglected to say that Mark Warner is going to give Jim Gilmore one of the epic political bitch slappings of all time in November.
nhunter:
In Iowa before the caucuses, I kept hearing stories about how Kerry won in a lot of places he wasn’t expected to because his people made sure to have more than enough chairs on hand. The caucus I worked at was similar. Every campaign had coffee, snacks, bottled water, etc. We came in third because all we had to offer was arugula salads and microbrewed wheat ale.
WadISay: Hmm, if the flooding goes in the right direction, the US can have more coastline. More coastal states and less flyover states. This really could be good. allah akbar
Serolf Divad: dude, that’s a very interesting story but i’m really really confused. what’s this obsession with Jessica. who is she, did you meat her here?
Godless Liberal *: I heard … America is being punished with a coming famine because of the gays in California.
That could backfire, though. America will lose weight because of the famine and start looking fabulous, and, well, no stopping the gaydom then.
The Mississippi River averaged 18 INCHES in depth during the summer in Mark Twain’s time, a tremendous testament to the great “neutrality” of the Army Corps of Engineers. It’s scary to contemplate what their idea of advocacy might be… I hope we don’t find out.
nhunter: I thought the Muslims, used a lot of curry on their food, hard to tame down that goat taste.
NedPepper: Curry. So that’s Mickey Kaus’ secret…
4tehlulz: Well in the context of currying favor!