Orange Whore Charlie Crist Drops Opposition To Oil Drilling, Because Of… States’ Rights!

  wankers

Gay Florida Gov. Charlie Crist has been actively opposed to drilling for oil off of Florida’s coast his entire political career. Many Florida politicians oppose it, in fact! Short version: it ruins the environment which would ruin tourism. Long version: “It would harm beaches vital to the state’s tourism economy and interfere with weapons testing and training in and over the Gulf of Mexico by Florida military bases.” So basically Charlie Crist has always opposed offshore oil drilling due to some postmodern, “green” interpretation of the military-industrial complex. But now that John McCain wants to lift the ban on offshore drilling, the veep-hunting Crist has suddenly decided that WE MUST ABSOLUTELY DRILL OFFSHORE, because of poor people and “states’ rights.” Seven whore diamonds. [AP]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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55 comments

  1. NoWireHangers

    Look on the sunny side. Once he’s VP, Crispy can help keep WALNUTS! parchment colored, liver-spotted skin a vibrant shade of Florida orange. He’ll get WALNUTS! some Crest White Strips, and a fine selection of neon colored swimwear. Look at him glow!

  2. shortsshortsshorts

    HA!
    “And my heart bleeds for them.”

    Apparently not enough bleeding.

    Somebody should exercise the new “bring your gun to work” policy in the capital.

  3. FunkyPalmettoBug

    I’m a republican and I’m sick of the states’ rights argument being used. There are no states’ rights!

  4. Paultardville

    Only thing left for Crist to win the veepstakes is to suck off McCain, but I’m sure he’ll have no trouble with that one.

  5. SayItWithWookies

    “If John McCain jumps off a cliff, will Charlie Crist jump, too?” Bubriski said.

    Be still my beating heart.

  6. FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=19465]Tawmn[/re]: I can beat a hobo to death in Alabama thanks to states’ rights.

  7. KevoTron

    [re=19463]Paultardville[/re]: Egad man!

    Ho boy, the old “state’s rights” canard again. The south just loves that one don’t they? It wasn’t about SLAVERY confound it! We object to the federal government! Now build us new levees and highways.

  8. Dave J.

    I’m guessing “states rights” will magically stop right at the point where Oregon’s (VOTER APPROVED, YOU GOP ASSHOLES) physician-assisted suicide plan goes into effect.

  9. ronaldpagan

    Sorry, I am all for the environment and all that good shit, but I am also all for anything that hurts Floridians. Fuck Florida.

  10. Vanity Smurf

    [re=19474]Dave J.[/re]: “States Rights” are not applicable to blue states just like “Congressional Oversight” is not applicable to Republican administrations.

  11. Vanity Smurf

    [re=19475]ronaldpagan[/re]: Al Gore will have his revenge on Florida when the ice caps finish melting and the sea swallows everything but Orlando.

  12. confusionanddelay<

    Crist is so fabulously gay and desperately lame that having him and his imminent buttsecks scandals as VP would be a silver lining in my grey dreary world during a McCain administration.

  13. Not_So_Much

    Hey, it’s awfully hard being orange and (allegedly) gay, but still wanting sooo badly to be the Veep. You got to bust our your best whore moves to make the cut.

    If you get the nod, it makes all those photo ops where you have to touch icky girls/beards, that pretend to be married to you, just that much more tolerable… Maybe the secret chamber where the current v.p. feeds on the young could be converted to some sort of nambla-themed love palace?

  14. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=19475]ronaldpagan[/re]: Amen to that. Florida’s always fucking everyone else, why not fuck it back?

  15. Vanity Smurf

    [re=19480]confusionanddelay<[/re]: That Barry will deny us the chance to witness more page fucker scandals is a sacrifice we must make. There will be so few Republicans left in Congress that we may be reduced to relying on state legislatures and mayors for tawdry, public toilet butt sex and big black cock sucking. Luckily Florida is poised to see us through this dark time.

  16. AngryBlakGuy

    …’ol Charlie never could resist a good DRILLING. All that thick goo just rushing to the surface after penetrating deep into the surface gets him kind of flustered. Just the thought of all those big strong men out there on a oil platform with only themselves for entertainment is really exciting for him after all.

  17. KevoTron

    [re=19484]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Yes, I say we start by abolishing handicapped parking spaces and raising taxes on all-you-can-eat buffets.

  18. masterdebater

    If you want to see this whole thing fall apart, just contact your congressman and ask to have an amendment that directs that no petroleum products can be exported. Because it’s for “energy independence”, right? I mean, what good would it do to drill and then just ship the oil overseas? I’m sure there will be no argument from the multi-national oil companies, because this is NOT about profits…it’s abount what’s good for the U.S. Americans! Yea, for us! No more foreign oil! Of course the transport facilities are going to be owned by British Petrolem…and the leases will probably be held by Dutch Shell, or a Saudi company. Oh, so what, you commies!

  19. Jewdishoowary Square

    I think we need some standardization for the whore diamond scale. It would be just like the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, only less boring, and all of them would be diamonds instead of just the top one.

    1 Whore Diamond=Embarrassingly sold dignity to fraternity brothers for respect
    10 Whore Diamonds=Hilariously sold vagina to governor for money

    Wonketteers! Can we fill out the rest of the scale? Your country’s whores call out for your aid!

  20. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=19492]masterdebater[/re]: Not that we have refining capacity beyond our current domestic supplies. It’s a moot point anyway, since the oil companies themselves expect there to be lots of natural gas, but not a lot of oil. off Florida’s coast. You’re right….they’re using the fear of $5 gas to get the idiots of Florida to make the oil companies even more wealthy. To echo the general sentiment: Fuck Florida. Give it back to the gators.

  21. Vanity Smurf

    [re=19493]awesomeguy#1[/re]: Don’t be mean to Steve Martin. I would be his shop girl any day. Unless by this you mean Charlie is “The Jerk” in which case all is forgiven because I can’t stand that movie.

  22. Vanity Smurf

    [re=19496]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: There’s nothing wrong with being a whore — just as long as you’re not a cheap whore.

  23. norbizness

    I’ve said this before about somebody else, or probably him, but he’s gayer than Jm J Bullock, Tom Cruise, and that Ricky dude from My So-Called Life bungee-corded together.

  24. Borat

    Do you think he gives or receives? I might give it to him, but taking it would just be strange. Oh no, I forgot there are those secret tapes of him kissing a woman in an elevator. Why are the good ones already taken?

  25. Voyou Charmant

    I assume some comedic misunderstanding concerning “off-shore drilling”, sailors, the term “VP Slot” and man on man coconut grove nights and leather for skin and — other things — happened.

  26. trai_dep

    I like the GOP notion of sacrifice. Let Alaska and California drill across their state, but precious Florida’s beaches must be pure. For the good of the country!
    Until a local pol wants to kiss up to a damaged candidate who wants to kiss up to Big Oil. Then all of a sudden, it’s fine.

    Any chance of the Biblical floods hitting the midwest drifting east and south? Please, gods?

  27. Voyou Charmant

    [re=19462]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: I agree with the concept of “States Rights”, but the state of Florida is not interested in drilling on the coast, so, it’s this states right and choice to say no.

  28. FunkyPalmettoBug

    [re=19545]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Yeah, but thats not the grounds in which this is being pushed. That its the superseding interest of the whole nation that gas prices have to come down, so Crist saying that its “states’ rights” is ridiculous.

  29. Voyou Charmant

    [re=19549]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: I agree. He’s not right. I didn’t come here for genuine political discussion. See my post at 7:25 for further evidence.

  30. vicuna

    Dammit, that’s where I live. Aren’t hurricanes bad enough without an oil spill risk? Thanks a lot, Coppertone.

  31. mothermaven

    What about State’s rights when California wants to set their own emission and mileage standards? What about State’s rights for medicinal marijuana? What about Oregon’s or Florida’s right to allow someone to die with dignity. What about Florida’s right to recount all the friggin votes in 2000.

    The republicans clearly want to write off California (surprise!) They better not get anywhere near our coasts. Your messing with our tourist economy, baby.

  32. ronaldpagan

    All of McCain’s vice presidential choices are laughable. Is there one Republican VP front-runner right now who’s not a gay, a Mormon, or a pseudo-Democratic Jew? His party’s failure this fall is going to be epic.

  33. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=19592]mothermaven[/re]: We have Arnold for coastal assfucking. Remember? Our states-rights include drilling the shit out of Santa Barbera.

  34. Canuckledragger

    Charlie’s under Veep consideration for only one reason.

    WALNUTS! asked his pollsters what his chances for winning the general were.

    They said, “Only if you make Christ your co-pilot.”

    Voila!

  35. Q

    [re=19475]ronaldpagan[/re]: Although Gov. Crist will try to chip in as best he can, I believe Floridians are fucking Florida well enough on their own.

  36. shortsshortsshorts

    Crist needs state’s rights so he can focus on some of his own personal “drilling,” from behind.

  37. schvitzatura

    If you squint just enough, Crist appears to be decapitated next to all that rich mahogany paneling in the background…

    McLesionCrist 2008!

  38. evolutionista

    it doesn’t matter what he says. this man is way too tan to be taken seriously by anyone. surely his insides are cooked, and he will die soon.

  39. Smoke Filled Roommate

    No one knows what it’s like
    to be an Orange man,
    to be Oompa
    Perhaps Loompa
    Behind dark eyes

    No one knows what its like
    To be mated
    To be fated
    To telling only lies

    If I swallow anything evil
    Put your finger down my throat
    If I shiver, please give me a blanket
    Keep me warm, let me wear your coat…

  40. jjgittes

    [re=19613]ronaldpagan[/re]:

    Between Rudy, Mittens, Crist, or the Exorcist guy, my personal schadenfreude levels (damn, I love German words) are approaching stratospheric levels.

    Perhaps it’s time to start up the betting pool on the *degree* of epic fail: Dole ’96? Dukakis ’88? Mondale ’84??

  41. Canuckledragger

    [re=19794]jjgittes[/re]: LBJ ’64! The last time a senior Senator from Arizona tried his hand at this presidential thingamabob, it didn’t turn out so well. The past is prologue.

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