WANKERS  5:45 pm June 18, 2008

Orange Whore Charlie Crist Drops Opposition To Oil Drilling, Because Of… States’ Rights!

by Jim Newell

Gay Florida Gov. Charlie Crist has been actively opposed to drilling for oil off of Florida’s coast his entire political career. Many Florida politicians oppose it, in fact! Short version: it ruins the environment which would ruin tourism. Long version: “It would harm beaches vital to the state’s tourism economy and interfere with weapons testing and training in and over the Gulf of Mexico by Florida military bases.” So basically Charlie Crist has always opposed offshore oil drilling due to some postmodern, “green” interpretation of the military-industrial complex. But now that John McCain wants to lift the ban on offshore drilling, the veep-hunting Crist has suddenly decided that WE MUST ABSOLUTELY DRILL OFFSHORE, because of poor people and “states’ rights.” Seven whore diamonds. [AP]

 

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{ 55 comments }

NoWireHangers June 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm

Look on the sunny side. Once he’s VP, Crispy can help keep WALNUTS! parchment colored, liver-spotted skin a vibrant shade of Florida orange. He’ll get WALNUTS! some Crest White Strips, and a fine selection of neon colored swimwear. Look at him glow!

Jerk Cade June 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm

A day without an orange whore is like a day without sunshine.

shortsshortsshorts June 18, 2008 at 5:50 pm

HA!
“And my heart bleeds for them.”

Apparently not enough bleeding.

Somebody should exercise the new “bring your gun to work” policy in the capital.

FunkyPalmettoBug June 18, 2008 at 5:52 pm

I’m a republican and I’m sick of the states’ rights argument being used. There are no states’ rights!

Paultardville June 18, 2008 at 5:53 pm

Only thing left for Crist to win the veepstakes is to suck off McCain, but I’m sure he’ll have no trouble with that one.

sezme June 18, 2008 at 5:55 pm

Jesus, Crist!

Tawmn June 18, 2008 at 5:55 pm

perhaps he can enslave Cuban refugees because of state’s rights.

General_Tso June 18, 2008 at 5:58 pm

kind of looks like an oompa loompa, doesn’t he?

SayItWithWookies June 18, 2008 at 5:58 pm

“If John McCain jumps off a cliff, will Charlie Crist jump, too?” Bubriski said.

Be still my beating heart.

Vanity Smurf June 18, 2008 at 5:58 pm

Charlie’s not opposed to all forms of drilling.

FunkyPalmettoBug June 18, 2008 at 5:59 pm

[re=19465]Tawmn[/re]: I can beat a hobo to death in Alabama thanks to states’ rights.

KevoTron June 18, 2008 at 6:01 pm

[re=19463]Paultardville[/re]: Egad man!

Ho boy, the old “state’s rights” canard again. The south just loves that one don’t they? It wasn’t about SLAVERY confound it! We object to the federal government! Now build us new levees and highways.

pdn June 18, 2008 at 6:01 pm

Orange is the new penis euphemism

Dave J. June 18, 2008 at 6:01 pm

I’m guessing “states rights” will magically stop right at the point where Oregon’s (VOTER APPROVED, YOU GOP ASSHOLES) physician-assisted suicide plan goes into effect.

ronaldpagan June 18, 2008 at 6:02 pm

Sorry, I am all for the environment and all that good shit, but I am also all for anything that hurts Floridians. Fuck Florida.

Vanity Smurf June 18, 2008 at 6:04 pm

[re=19474]Dave J.[/re]: “States Rights” are not applicable to blue states just like “Congressional Oversight” is not applicable to Republican administrations.

Vanity Smurf June 18, 2008 at 6:05 pm

[re=19475]ronaldpagan[/re]: Al Gore will have his revenge on Florida when the ice caps finish melting and the sea swallows everything but Orlando.

confusionanddelay< June 18, 2008 at 6:09 pm

Crist is so fabulously gay and desperately lame that having him and his imminent buttsecks scandals as VP would be a silver lining in my grey dreary world during a McCain administration.

nowukkers June 18, 2008 at 6:12 pm

[re=19470]Vanity Smurf[/re]: [re=19480]confusionanddelay<[/re]: Yes. This is the rumor that simply will not go away: http://www.browardpalmbeach.com/2008-02-28/news/the-talk-of-the-green-iguana/#Comments

Not_So_Much June 18, 2008 at 6:14 pm

Hey, it’s awfully hard being orange and (allegedly) gay, but still wanting sooo badly to be the Veep. You got to bust our your best whore moves to make the cut.

If you get the nod, it makes all those photo ops where you have to touch icky girls/beards, that pretend to be married to you, just that much more tolerable… Maybe the secret chamber where the current v.p. feeds on the young could be converted to some sort of nambla-themed love palace?

shortsshortsshorts June 18, 2008 at 6:15 pm

[re=19475]ronaldpagan[/re]: Amen to that. Florida’s always fucking everyone else, why not fuck it back?

Vanity Smurf June 18, 2008 at 6:19 pm

[re=19480]confusionanddelay<[/re]: That Barry will deny us the chance to witness more page fucker scandals is a sacrifice we must make. There will be so few Republicans left in Congress that we may be reduced to relying on state legislatures and mayors for tawdry, public toilet butt sex and big black cock sucking. Luckily Florida is poised to see us through this dark time.

AngryBlakGuy June 18, 2008 at 6:22 pm

…’ol Charlie never could resist a good DRILLING. All that thick goo just rushing to the surface after penetrating deep into the surface gets him kind of flustered. Just the thought of all those big strong men out there on a oil platform with only themselves for entertainment is really exciting for him after all.

KevoTron June 18, 2008 at 6:25 pm

[re=19484]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Yes, I say we start by abolishing handicapped parking spaces and raising taxes on all-you-can-eat buffets.

masterdebater June 18, 2008 at 6:38 pm

If you want to see this whole thing fall apart, just contact your congressman and ask to have an amendment that directs that no petroleum products can be exported. Because it’s for “energy independence”, right? I mean, what good would it do to drill and then just ship the oil overseas? I’m sure there will be no argument from the multi-national oil companies, because this is NOT about profits…it’s abount what’s good for the U.S. Americans! Yea, for us! No more foreign oil! Of course the transport facilities are going to be owned by British Petrolem…and the leases will probably be held by Dutch Shell, or a Saudi company. Oh, so what, you commies!

awesomeguy#1 June 18, 2008 at 6:45 pm

The Steve Martin of orange, gay politicians.

Jewdishoowary Square June 18, 2008 at 6:48 pm

I think we need some standardization for the whore diamond scale. It would be just like the Mohs scale of mineral hardness, only less boring, and all of them would be diamonds instead of just the top one.

1 Whore Diamond=Embarrassingly sold dignity to fraternity brothers for respect
10 Whore Diamonds=Hilariously sold vagina to governor for money

Wonketteers! Can we fill out the rest of the scale? Your country’s whores call out for your aid!

Gopherit v2.0 June 18, 2008 at 6:49 pm

[re=19492]masterdebater[/re]: Not that we have refining capacity beyond our current domestic supplies. It’s a moot point anyway, since the oil companies themselves expect there to be lots of natural gas, but not a lot of oil. off Florida’s coast. You’re right….they’re using the fear of $5 gas to get the idiots of Florida to make the oil companies even more wealthy. To echo the general sentiment: Fuck Florida. Give it back to the gators.

Vanity Smurf June 18, 2008 at 6:49 pm

[re=19493]awesomeguy#1[/re]: Don’t be mean to Steve Martin. I would be his shop girl any day. Unless by this you mean Charlie is “The Jerk” in which case all is forgiven because I can’t stand that movie.

Vanity Smurf June 18, 2008 at 6:58 pm

[re=19496]Jewdishoowary Square[/re]: There’s nothing wrong with being a whore — just as long as you’re not a cheap whore.

bitchincamaro June 18, 2008 at 7:05 pm

I, for one look forward to sporting the latest in Florida beachwear:

http://www.oneinchpunch.net/wordpress/wp-content/uploads/2007/12/crude-oil-spill-clear-up.jpg

norbizness June 18, 2008 at 7:07 pm

I’ve said this before about somebody else, or probably him, but he’s gayer than Jm J Bullock, Tom Cruise, and that Ricky dude from My So-Called Life bungee-corded together.

Borat June 18, 2008 at 7:10 pm

Do you think he gives or receives? I might give it to him, but taking it would just be strange. Oh no, I forgot there are those secret tapes of him kissing a woman in an elevator. Why are the good ones already taken?

Voyou Charmant June 18, 2008 at 7:25 pm

I assume some comedic misunderstanding concerning “off-shore drilling”, sailors, the term “VP Slot” and man on man coconut grove nights and leather for skin and — other things — happened.

trai_dep June 18, 2008 at 7:25 pm

I like the GOP notion of sacrifice. Let Alaska and California drill across their state, but precious Florida’s beaches must be pure. For the good of the country!
Until a local pol wants to kiss up to a damaged candidate who wants to kiss up to Big Oil. Then all of a sudden, it’s fine.

Any chance of the Biblical floods hitting the midwest drifting east and south? Please, gods?

Voyou Charmant June 18, 2008 at 7:27 pm

[re=19462]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: I agree with the concept of “States Rights”, but the state of Florida is not interested in drilling on the coast, so, it’s this states right and choice to say no.

FunkyPalmettoBug June 18, 2008 at 7:33 pm

[re=19545]Voyou Charmant[/re]: Yeah, but thats not the grounds in which this is being pushed. That its the superseding interest of the whole nation that gas prices have to come down, so Crist saying that its “states’ rights” is ridiculous.

Voyou Charmant June 18, 2008 at 7:33 pm

I think this clears everything up.

Voyou Charmant June 18, 2008 at 7:34 pm

um i meant this but the internets didn’t let it: http://media.browardpalmbeach.com/1954010.47.jpg

Vanity Smurf June 18, 2008 at 7:36 pm

[re=19528]Borat[/re]: I think he’s probably a Fristing bottom.

Voyou Charmant June 18, 2008 at 7:37 pm

[re=19549]FunkyPalmettoBug[/re]: I agree. He’s not right. I didn’t come here for genuine political discussion. See my post at 7:25 for further evidence.

vicuna June 18, 2008 at 7:51 pm

Dammit, that’s where I live. Aren’t hurricanes bad enough without an oil spill risk? Thanks a lot, Coppertone.

mothermaven June 18, 2008 at 8:00 pm

What about State’s rights when California wants to set their own emission and mileage standards? What about State’s rights for medicinal marijuana? What about Oregon’s or Florida’s right to allow someone to die with dignity. What about Florida’s right to recount all the friggin votes in 2000.

The republicans clearly want to write off California (surprise!) They better not get anywhere near our coasts. Your messing with our tourist economy, baby.

ronaldpagan June 18, 2008 at 8:20 pm

All of McCain’s vice presidential choices are laughable. Is there one Republican VP front-runner right now who’s not a gay, a Mormon, or a pseudo-Democratic Jew? His party’s failure this fall is going to be epic.

shortsshortsshorts June 18, 2008 at 8:48 pm

[re=19592]mothermaven[/re]: We have Arnold for coastal assfucking. Remember? Our states-rights include drilling the shit out of Santa Barbera.

Canuckledragger June 18, 2008 at 8:56 pm

Charlie’s under Veep consideration for only one reason.

WALNUTS! asked his pollsters what his chances for winning the general were.

They said, “Only if you make Christ your co-pilot.”

Voila!

Q June 18, 2008 at 9:23 pm

[re=19475]ronaldpagan[/re]: Although Gov. Crist will try to chip in as best he can, I believe Floridians are fucking Florida well enough on their own.

Johnny Zhivago June 18, 2008 at 9:28 pm

Crist/McGreevey 2012!!!

shortsshortsshorts June 18, 2008 at 11:03 pm

Crist needs state’s rights so he can focus on some of his own personal “drilling,” from behind.

schvitzatura June 19, 2008 at 1:06 am

If you squint just enough, Crist appears to be decapitated next to all that rich mahogany paneling in the background…

McLesionCrist 2008!

evolutionista June 19, 2008 at 1:37 am

it doesn’t matter what he says. this man is way too tan to be taken seriously by anyone. surely his insides are cooked, and he will die soon.

Smoke Filled Roommate June 19, 2008 at 2:46 am

No one knows what it’s like
to be an Orange man,
to be Oompa
Perhaps Loompa
Behind dark eyes

No one knows what its like
To be mated
To be fated
To telling only lies

If I swallow anything evil
Put your finger down my throat
If I shiver, please give me a blanket
Keep me warm, let me wear your coat…

jjgittes June 19, 2008 at 8:19 am

[re=19613]ronaldpagan[/re]:

Between Rudy, Mittens, Crist, or the Exorcist guy, my personal schadenfreude levels (damn, I love German words) are approaching stratospheric levels.

Perhaps it’s time to start up the betting pool on the *degree* of epic fail: Dole ’96? Dukakis ’88? Mondale ’84??

Canuckledragger June 19, 2008 at 9:16 am

[re=19794]jjgittes[/re]: LBJ ’64! The last time a senior Senator from Arizona tried his hand at this presidential thingamabob, it didn’t turn out so well. The past is prologue.

travellabyrinth June 19, 2008 at 11:17 am

I can’t help but always think about, w/rt this issue “Jenna Bush’s Federally Protected Wetlands Now Open For Public Drilling” (couldn’t find a link with text).

Allthough they’ve since awarded the contract to a single bidder
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_H._Hager

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