Liveblogging Michelle Obama’s Bold Anti Kitty-Mugging Stance On ‘The View’

 

This is just wrong.Sure, she’s a lovely and talented Harvard Law graduate. But can Michelle Obama stand up to the rigors of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s vigorously lobbed Stupid Bombs? Join us as we watch this exciting potential disaster on The View.

11:00 AM — For the record, we have never actually watched this whole thing all the way through, so this could go very badly. Michelle Obama looks AWESOME. She says she got the “fist bump” move from her staff, who are clearly all terrorist spies.
11:02 AM — Oh look Barbara Walters is wearing the same type of ginormous turquoise (or jade?) jewelry once favored by a certain Grammy K. Smith. Yowch she just asked Michelle if she’s proud of America. Grammy K. Smith never would have asked something so forward.
11:03 AM — “Go Beavers.” Indeed.
11:04 AM — “But what is causing these attacks?” Uh…
11:05 AM — Hasellbeck is wearing a crazy red toga. She denies allegations that there will be any brawling on this teevee show, and some Americans are disappointed (like this one).
11:07 AM — Michelle Obama likes Laura Bush because she is calm and rational. Was there some agreement that the other hosts didn’t get to wear a print today? Also aren’t all these broads supposed to be shouting at each other and constantly talking over themselves? This is so polite.
11:09 AM — “My belief about diversity training and discussions is that they have to happen like this.” Around a table, with a bunch of extremely wealthy televisions stars, in a national broadcast. “Hillary Clinton has created 18 million cracks on a ceiling.” Hmm, yes.
11:11 AM — Barbara Walters asks the running mate question. Michelle says she will have nothing to do with it. Also her children are selfish! Whoopi just spilled her vodka on her lap. And commercial break!
11:12 AM — We have just learned that an unclosed italics tag made everything ever written on Wonkette go all slanty. Sorry bros.
11:16 AM — Tracy Jordan’s wife comments on Michelle Obama’s toned arms which, it’s true, are pretty awesome. She got her dress at a store! Whoopi says that she is glad Michelle has teeth that are not gold.
11:18 AM — Barbara Walters: “I came on the show not wearing panties.” Wait, what? Michelle says pantyhose are “painful.”
11:20 AM — “How will you make sure your kids aren’t mocked by the media?” Make sure they grow up hot. Michelle tells a cute story about her daughter, Malia, who will be elected president in 2012. Oh look the venerable New York Times is also liveblogging this very important political event. “‘I fill up some space,’ she says, towering over the show’s co-hosts, even though everyone is seated.”
11:26 AM — Here goes Whoopi Goldberg, hatin’ on her people again. Parents should parent! Michelle reveals that “this is not the first time he has given that speech,” which we assume is a veiled accusation of self-plagiarism. “I grew up with a dad,” she says. Come on put up the picture of Michelle’s dad again! Bah.
11:29 AM — Jesus Christ look at this schedule Elisabeth Hasellbeck has drawn up for her very young child. Is this kid like a lawyer or something, or a neurosurgeon? Who needs a schedule like that? Ha ha, Michelle Obama just called her husband “pathetic” and then said “Nonono, EMpathetic.”
11:32 AM — Liz tries to bring up the “associations” issue, and how the Obamas like to hang out with racist Communist hoboes. But that quickly gets talked over. Huzzah floods and Matthew Broderick! Is that it? Are we done here? We don’t need to liveblog Bueller, do we?
11:32 AM — Wonkette Resident Whip-Cracker Jim Newell informs us we have 24 more gruelling minutes of this nonsense to endure. Ha ha, Matthew Broderick is like a foot and a half shorter than Michelle Obama.
11:43 AM — Michelle Obama’s mom won SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS at a slot machine. This country is truly blessed. The Bette Midler lady makes a funny joke about “change we can believe in,” meaning, quarters. Matthew Broderick is wearing white socks and is so oddly childlike. It is weird to think that he had to have sex once, with his wife, to make that kid of his.
11:50 AM — Now the most important segment of the day, some garbage about breakfast. This breakfast lady has amazing thick ropy veins in her neck that make her look like she hasn’t eaten any meals at all in years. Michelle asks about pomegranate juice and the lady’s like, “What is that ELITIST FRUIT you are talking about?” Pomegranates are the new arugula.
11:52 AM — Michelle Obama admits she enjoys bacon, and millions of Americans fall in love all over again. Or is this another subtle “I’m not a Muslim” thing? Whoopi Golberg appears from behind a mountain of bread to shout “Leave the bacon alone!” and stalk off. That was the very best part of this entire dull hour of television.
11:58 AM — Oh God could this be over? Hooray, it is! Thank you for staying with us through this useless hour of Ladies’ Programming.

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About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

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72 comments

  1. AudicityofHope

    I want to eat Michelle up! She’s so beautiful!!

    BTW, FTW Barbar? “Michelle, are you pwoud of your countwy?”

  2. Brutus Harlot

    Hooman on kitteh violence is back! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Quick, somebody get McCain to take us back to a simpler time.

  3. 4tehlulz

    >>For the record, we have never actually watched this whole thing all the way through, so this could go very badly.

    I recommend spending the rest of the day drinking the memories of The View away.

  4. supergurl1115

    Yes, very serious Barbara… pantyhose or no pantyhose? thats what all of american wants to know

  5. masterdebater

    I’m so glad that television is being used to educate and enlighten the masses. Modern technology is great! And just imagine, a black lady on TV. Who would have ever believed it? Someday we may even elect a minority as our president! Don’t laugh, it could happen. Just not a woman though…but it’s OK if they have their little TV program.

  6. Godless Liberal *

    Everything was so slanty, I thought Wonkette had ben bought by the Chinese.

    Too far? Yeah, I know.

  7. shortsshortsshorts

    We are live blogging the view???? Sweet gawd Jeebus. Can’t we live blog new episodes of “Family Guy?”

  8. supergurl1115

    Do you think she always calls him Barack? Maybe at home she calls him B-rock… with the “fist bump” I think that would be great!

  9. Twinkle Twinkle Lil Star

    slanty

    That’s not racial transcendence! ;)

    Man, I can’t believe I’m actually going to watch the View today. And my mom asked me to Tivo it.

  10. Botswana Meat Commission FC

    Ugh. I botched a half-assed typography joke.

    To exorcise italics, you have to perform the roman ritual.

  11. Gopherit v2.0

    Michelle Obama likes Laura Bush because she is calm and rational

    Oh, Michelle, load up on horse tranquilizers yourself for a day or two, and see how calm you are.

  12. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=18852]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I know. We didn’t even liveblog the candidates’ appearances on WWE. I think the Wonkette Editors were looking for an excuse for a liquid breakfast.

    Admitting you have a problem is the first step, guys.

  13. WIDTAP

    [re=18821]Brutus Harlot[/re]: Sara just can’t win with the kitty pics today. I was bitching her out on the earlier thread for dropping the “kill the kitty” pic.

  14. mookworthjwilson

    Please tell me Michell has taken out the backup QB’s wife Moloram style…please!!!!

  15. AxmxZ

    Ok, I’ve watched for five minutes, and I seiously need to change the channel to wrestling or something. And I’m female.

  16. ManchuCandidate

    I did not want to hear Baba Wawa goes commando. And just before lunch, too.

    I don’t like eating anyway…

  17. jagorev

    Also aren’t all these broads supposed to be shouting at each other and constantly talking over themselves? This is so polite.

    See, this is what happens when you let women host TV shows. Our national rate of feces flung per hour suffers a steep decline.

  18. AngryBlakGuy

    …the overwhelming sentiment on this thread is that their is one great big(and nasty) daisy chain gang bang going on!

  19. AngryBlakGuy

    [re=18874]ManchuCandidate[/re]: …and just in case you are wondering(and I know you are) she shaves the kitty kat too!!!

  20. Delicious

    [re=18875]jagorev[/re]: “national rate of feces flung per hour”

    At least we’ll never fall behind the Chinese on this indicator…

    which makes me proud to be an American for the first time!

  21. Whore Diamond in the Rough

    [re=18850]Godless Liberal *[/re]: To quote the incomparable William Drayton (that’s Flavor Flav to us mortals)

    Woooooooooooow!

  22. supergurl1115

    hahahaha they have gambling problems and make puns on obama’s tag line… thats great

  23. jagorev

    The NYT says: For Mrs. Obama, this is appearance is the television equivalent of a Broadway debut, a first time pitching Yankee stadium

    Really? I mean, really?

  24. ManchuCandidate

    [re=18880]AngryBlakGuy[/re]:
    Thanks, I just threw up in my mouth. Anyone want a Corned Beef Sandwich? I don’t need it anymore.

  25. Quacker

    [re=18858]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]:
    You could have told us that you meant “I want to exercise my right to use right leaning italics,” but instead you were honest. This is not allowed! The Wonkette may force you to use teh small caps for a full thread.

  26. HerExcellency

    When I was in college my roommate was obsessed with The View and I was forced to watch it more than any human ever should. This is the sanest episode I have ever seen. I am pretty sure they sedated all of the hosts. There should be at least 90% more shouting.

  27. WIDTAP

    That’s It, I am changing my vote.

    I can vote for an African American. I can vote for a woman. But Bacon People? Hell no!

  28. sarcasticusername

    barack isn’t a very good muslim if he eats the bacon, unless it’s the turkey stuff, that secret muslim is a tricky one isn’t he.

  29. AudicityofHope

    Michelle Obama doesn’t wear pantyhose; I don’t wear pantyhose.
    Michelle Obama loves bacon; I love bacon.

    OMG we’re exactly the same!

  30. sarcasticusername

    elizabeth is going on hannity…no doubt to discuss the secret terrorist messages michelle espoused on the view.

  31. Cape Clod

    Are you making that cute little kitten watch ‘The View’? Because a loaded handgun is the only thing that would make me watch it.

  32. graceless

    For all of you who watched the View today, you are so much better than me! But of course, you already knew that, didn’t you?

  33. jagorev

    Bacon is great, but she needs to clarify her stand on scrapple if she wants any chance of winning over the Pennsylvania bitters.

  34. Naked Bunny with a Whip

    [re=18921]Cape Clod[/re]:
    The guy with the gun is Jim, the kitten is Sara. She’s adorable.

  35. Sussemilch

    Without fanfare, RNC secretly takes down their website counter showing “Days since elitist Muslim Obama has eaten bacon”

  36. superfecta

    [re=18914]AudicityofHope[/re]: OMG, same here! This is like that time in college I had way too much to drink and thought I was cool, tall black woman and not a geeky, short, super-pale whitey. As long as we can all have bacon, I’m on board.

  37. vicuna

    [re=18992]TGY[/re]: Blame me, I suggested it. And the NYT did it too. I’m billing them for editorial services.

    She’s right, pantyhose do suck if you’re tall.

  38. Tawmn

    The “Bette Midler Woman”… I almost spit my Red Bull across the room. That was some HA HA funny.

  39. jagorev

    [re=18961]thefrontpage[/re]: Well, obviously, Larry Johnson has proof that bacon is merely code for “cured flesh of white babies”.

  40. Elessar

    Stop the violence people! It’s a moot point now anyway, but holding a sweet kitty hostage for political gain is just shameful. Shameful I say!! Whenever I watch the view, I make sure my kitty is safe and sound behind a PetSafe cat fence, and has earmuffs and sunglasses on. It’s only way to prevent the scary feminine radiation from affecting his brain.

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