Sure, she’s a lovely and talented Harvard Law graduate. But can Michelle Obama stand up to the rigors of Elisabeth Hasselbeck’s vigorously lobbed Stupid Bombs? Join us as we watch this exciting potential disaster on The View.
11:00 AM — For the record, we have never actually watched this whole thing all the way through, so this could go very badly. Michelle Obama looks AWESOME. She says she got the “fist bump” move from her staff, who are clearly all terrorist spies.
11:02 AM — Oh look Barbara Walters is wearing the same type of ginormous turquoise (or jade?) jewelry once favored by a certain Grammy K. Smith. Yowch she just asked Michelle if she’s proud of America. Grammy K. Smith never would have asked something so forward.
11:03 AM — “Go Beavers.” Indeed.
11:04 AM — “But what is causing these attacks?” Uh…
11:05 AM — Hasellbeck is wearing a crazy red toga. She denies allegations that there will be any brawling on this teevee show, and some Americans are disappointed (like this one).
11:07 AM — Michelle Obama likes Laura Bush because she is calm and rational. Was there some agreement that the other hosts didn’t get to wear a print today? Also aren’t all these broads supposed to be shouting at each other and constantly talking over themselves? This is so polite.
11:09 AM — “My belief about diversity training and discussions is that they have to happen like this.” Around a table, with a bunch of extremely wealthy televisions stars, in a national broadcast. “Hillary Clinton has created 18 million cracks on a ceiling.” Hmm, yes.
11:11 AM — Barbara Walters asks the running mate question. Michelle says she will have nothing to do with it. Also her children are selfish! Whoopi just spilled her vodka on her lap. And commercial break!
11:12 AM — We have just learned that an unclosed italics tag made everything ever written on Wonkette go all slanty. Sorry bros.
11:16 AM — Tracy Jordan’s wife comments on Michelle Obama’s toned arms which, it’s true, are pretty awesome. She got her dress at a store! Whoopi says that she is glad Michelle has teeth that are not gold.
11:18 AM — Barbara Walters: “I came on the show not wearing panties.” Wait, what? Michelle says pantyhose are “painful.”
11:20 AM — “How will you make sure your kids aren’t mocked by the media?” Make sure they grow up hot. Michelle tells a cute story about her daughter, Malia, who will be elected president in 2012. Oh look the venerable New York Times is also liveblogging this very important political event. “‘I fill up some space,’ she says, towering over the show’s co-hosts, even though everyone is seated.”
11:26 AM — Here goes Whoopi Goldberg, hatin’ on her people again. Parents should parent! Michelle reveals that “this is not the first time he has given that speech,” which we assume is a veiled accusation of self-plagiarism. “I grew up with a dad,” she says. Come on put up the picture of Michelle’s dad again! Bah.
11:29 AM — Jesus Christ look at this schedule Elisabeth Hasellbeck has drawn up for her very young child. Is this kid like a lawyer or something, or a neurosurgeon? Who needs a schedule like that? Ha ha, Michelle Obama just called her husband “pathetic” and then said “Nonono, EMpathetic.”
11:32 AM — Liz tries to bring up the “associations” issue, and how the Obamas like to hang out with racist Communist hoboes. But that quickly gets talked over. Huzzah floods and Matthew Broderick! Is that it? Are we done here? We don’t need to liveblog Bueller, do we?
11:32 AM — Wonkette Resident Whip-Cracker Jim Newell informs us we have 24 more gruelling minutes of this nonsense to endure. Ha ha, Matthew Broderick is like a foot and a half shorter than Michelle Obama.
11:43 AM — Michelle Obama’s mom won SEVENTEEN THOUSAND DOLLARS at a slot machine. This country is truly blessed. The Bette Midler lady makes a funny joke about “change we can believe in,” meaning, quarters. Matthew Broderick is wearing white socks and is so oddly childlike. It is weird to think that he had to have sex once, with his wife, to make that kid of his.
11:50 AM — Now the most important segment of the day, some garbage about breakfast. This breakfast lady has amazing thick ropy veins in her neck that make her look like she hasn’t eaten any meals at all in years. Michelle asks about pomegranate juice and the lady’s like, “What is that ELITIST FRUIT you are talking about?” Pomegranates are the new arugula.
11:52 AM — Michelle Obama admits she enjoys bacon, and millions of Americans fall in love all over again. Or is this another subtle “I’m not a Muslim” thing? Whoopi Golberg appears from behind a mountain of bread to shout “Leave the bacon alone!” and stalk off. That was the very best part of this entire dull hour of television.
11:58 AM — Oh God could this be over? Hooray, it is! Thank you for staying with us through this useless hour of Ladies’ Programming.