Wonkette
Here’s the first page of a real letter from some sad panda named Marvin D. Wells, one of 28 pledged Hillary Clinton delegates from Washington State who will still cast his vote for her at the national convention in August. He still hopes that Hillary can pull off a coup at the convention, you see, because without her he’s “Just A Nobody.” We know this because it’s written in large purple fairy-tale font atop the letter. Why must Barack Obama hurt this adorable Microsoft Word ‘97 artist’s feelings? WHY MUST BARACK OBAMA MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A NOBODY? [PDF Letter via Slog]
Bo-Fucking-Hoo.
Sorry, Boo-Fucking-Hoo
This must be part of an Obama psyops campaign to make Hillary supporters look like total nincompoops.
I read through that letter waiting for “Marvin” to come out and say that he has an inheritance of over $23 million currently being held up in escrow by a Nigerian bank, and that if only we would give him our bank account numbers, he might be a Somebody again.
Don’t get him started on Don’t Ask/Don’t tell.
What a poor disenfranchised black man. I am sure Obama’s campaign has no idea what that’s all about.
before i snark i think i should call the suicide hotline for this person because he’s showing some pretty serious signs…
Cue world’s tiniest fucking string quartet.
Coup? Great, now I’ll have to actually watch the DNC to see if Hillary shows up astride a tank.
Still, all I got from this is “hawks who voted for Reagan want Hillary in office.”
Can’t we just send him to http://www.hcsfjm.com/? He’ll still be a nobody, but at least he’ll have plenty of company.
Failing that, perhaps a few hours with Jesse Jackson Sr.? After being forced to chant “I am…. some-BODY!” for a few hours, maybe he’ll change his mind.
Nothing will change his spelling, grammar or syntax. Some things just can’t be done.
The annoying thing about these folks is that they complain about not getting any respect, and then they act like delusional nutbags, which makes me treat them with disrespect. If they’d only act sane for a moment or two, they’d actually be treated with respect. Imagine!
I’m nobody! Who are you?
Are you a bitter, too?
Then there’s a pair of us–don’t tell!
They’d mock us, you know.
How dreary to be Hillary!
How public, like a dog
To beg for cash the livelong day
To non-admiring blogs!
What male puts background pics in a letter?
Poor guy. I know how frustrating it is to always be playing catch-up. I mean, eating catch-up. I mean…oh quit crying and STFU!
He really gets his point across with a Vonnegut-style drawing of an asshole.
Say what you will, I admire a man who understands the critical difference between wants and desires.
If he’s a nobody, imagine how his copy editor must feel.
This guy actually gave a speech at one of the convention events, and he wasn’t AS bad in person. It was definitely sort of surreal, though - why, exactly, did he think that telling a very large room full of democrats that he voted for Reagan was going to suddenly make us: a) like him more or b) all realize that gosh, you’re right, why did we vote for Obama instead of Hillary?!?
It was just bizarre. Which I guess proves that he’s a Hillary supporter, but still…
SayItWithWookies: goddamn you’re good.
“I can now buy all of my needs, my wants, and most of my desires. Or at least I will be able to when the Washington state government passes HR2361, “Hooker and Pot Legalization Act of 2008,” which I drafted on a napkin last week.”
teklanika: Cut him some slack. It sounds like he voted for a Reagan just to get a pay raise while he was in the navy. Which, come to think of it, is the worst reason anyone has ever given for voting for Reagan.
His first problem is that his name is Marvin.
His second is that he is from Washington aka The Brain Dead State
So this is the fucking idiot who asked for the 600 ship Navy!
Don’t laugh, I’ve also had to eat bread with catch up and no meat.
Reminds me of the little guy from my Saturday cartoons of yore… “I’m just a bill, Yes, I’m only a bill, And I’m sitting here on Capitol Hill…”
tonashideska: Your first problem is that you’re an asshole. Your second problem is that you have that first problem.
Don’t forget, us “brain dead” state people caucused HEAVILY for Obama.
No self-respecting human would ever write a letter in Comic Sans font.
Am I the only one to whom this sad plight sounds . . . familiar?:
Kim Jong Il: I’m so Ronery / So ronery / So ronery and sadry arone / There’s no one / Just me onry / Sitting on my rittle throne / I work very hard to be number one guy / but, stiwr there’s no one to right up my rife / Seems rike no one takes me serirousry / And so, I’m ronery / A rittle ronery / Poor rittle me / There’s no one I can rerate to / Feewr rike a biwd in a cage / It’s kinda siwry / but, not reawry / because, it’s fiwring my body with rage / I’m the smartest, most crever, most physicawry fit / but, none of the women seem to give a shit / Maybe someday, they’wr awr notice me / And untiwr then, I’wr be ronery / Yeah, a rittle ronery / Poor rittle me…
But THAT was Hillary, not some guy from Washington.
Still, both are apparently cockroaches underneath . . ..
Cathangover: Ha! My first thought was of “Breakfast of Champions” too.
Ah, Washington: the little state that could. If only it wasn’t for the morans like this that Washingtonians actually elect.
Advocatus_Diaboli: Tell me about it. Mayor Nickels? groan… Gov. Gregoire’s already running neck and neck with that tool Dino Rossi. The guy’s a complete fraud and half the state’s drinking his kool-aid. Fuck, they’re practically mixing up the shit for him.
Fortunately we have Peter Steinbrueck in Seattle and he’s exploring a mayoral run. He’s pretty kick ass.
At least our football team is good and we have great beer.
THESE TYPE OF NOTES NEED LARGER LETTERS AND SHOULD ALL BE IN CAPS TO CONVEY A GENERAL CONVICTION OF RETARDATION
The clip art usage is fantastic.
Although, I really hate Curlz.
Vanity Smurf: Brilliant!
OMG. The real Dave Rhodes has finally been identified!
So I am an Obama Delegate for WA state. I was at the state convention last weekend and my god it was kinda of a clusterfuck. First the state has like 5 million people on the west side of the state and east side is mostly nothing. So they have the convention about 30 mins from the idaho border. All the people from tacoma kept asking stupid questions, and kept trying to go out of order on everything, and rasing objections on long decided things. We were supposed to pass the state party platform and couldn’t get that done. since we didn’t have enough delegates because half didn’t show. One can only assume that is because they held the converntion in BFE. Topping it off we had these al those hillary aholes get on the mic right before we were dismissed, spouting how Hillary is great and will be the democratic nomimnee. I got sick of it at that time and left to go get a beer.
Vanity Smurf: You win the internet!
RacerMex: As a delegate, don’t you get the power of execution?
teklanika: Yeah I totally stop listening to that guy as soon as Reagan was mentioned. Alot of stupid grandstanding during the convention insted of getting to business.
shortsshortsshorts: yeah if i did we would of stopped the stupid Hillary chanting at our Congressional District Caucaus. Those motherfuckers were loud and angry old bitters!
“catch-up with no meat”
Ugh! That shit was unintelligible and jsut plain fucking dumb. After 27 years on Earth, I am ashamed to be Black only now at this moment - and I watched Flavor of Love 1, 2 and 3.
thatswhatshesaid: DAMN YOU, COMIC SANS!! (shaking fist)
You know, I really wish people would stop replacing words like “explain” with the dreaded “go there.” I must be outsider just don’t get it.
slavojzizek: Nah, the group of catholics in Ohio who voted for Reagan because he started in a movie with a monkey was the worst.
Ha! Ha! Way to go, Wonkette. You put this guy on your website! He’s a somebody! I know his name! WE ALL KNOW HIS NAME!
Fuck you, Marvin. You’re somebody!
You have been rendered powerless.
Oh, lovely paradox.
Hillary’s making all her nowhere plans for Mr. Nobody.
Cathangover: Haha, that was my first thought as well. Wide Open Beavers would clinch this as the best letter ever.
As said before, nothing should ever be written in Comic Sans, but if you must, please reserve it for company picnic announcements.
Not Marvin’s fault…he was given the strong impression from his leader that winners never quit and quitters never win. Even if there is any validity to the maze of insane reasons that Hilz dragged her campaign out the way she did, can we really expect the Marvins of the world to analyze further than continuing-the-fight=good?
Marvin, sometimes grown ups lie. I’m sorry.
Now get Daddy another bourbon.
If he were really that depressed, why would he use the Curlz font? I mean, wouldn’t he pick Hollyweird or Matisse or something?
He may be a nobody, but he’s a nobody who had $500 to donate to the the Hillz… http://www.newsmeat.com/fec/bystate_detail.php?zip=98404&last=Wells&first=Marvin
Count Snarkula: funniest post ever.
As a professional graphic designer, I can say with authority that Curlz MT is the mark of the devil.
how old is this dude? wheelbarrows crossing two land roads on the south side of chicago for firewood?
what?
and wait! why is there an apostrophe between ‘i’ and ‘am’? is this b/c of wheelbarrows?
I figured there would be some overlap of Clinton delegates and
people who use Comic Sans for all occaisons, no matter the topic,
but jeez, he’s African-American, too? He’s the walking epicenter of
one fucked-up Venn diagram.
Actually, I think it’s Marvin the Paranoid Android from the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy.
I was angry about the comic sans, but what the fuck is squiggly little abomination of a font at the top of the letter? My eyes! They burn…
jagorev: C’mon, be fair, people. Oh, where’s my snark?
Okay– Living in Mi, he should have gotten to know Ms.’Pets or Meat’.. Could have been a great love affair.
I’d have cheered him on, if only he also included kittens and unicorns as background graphics.
I hope Katanga gives him the midnight to 04 watch every fucking night.
I guess Marvin’I'am’s “Nope, We Couldn’t” video just didn’t have the same staying power as that other guy.
Mmmmmm. I LIKE FRENCH FRIED PERTATERS. MMMMMMMM.
ladymacbeth: Well he’s 185 years old but he had his brain transplanted into a 12 year old girl’s body. So I think that makes him like a 40 year old lesbian. Or a 23 year old gay man. It’s all very hard to pinpoint.
He’s right. “Nobody” could put out such an illiterate piece of shit with a straight face.
If he were a somebody, he would have gotten death threats for this overly sensitive, Auntie Tom purple prose. The marketing and PR / graphic design / unemployed hack neolib Wonketeers are a tad less rabid than the Bolsheviks at the Huffington Post. They mean no harm but just enjoy laughing at the expense of an underprivileged black male who never had an oil executive stepfather or an upper middle class white mother with multiple degrees or a racist grandmother who was the VP of a bank. Marvin never had a scholarship to a fancy private school in Hawaii. He joined the military and is lucky he can read and write unlike 20% of American adults. He grew up poor “eating bread and catch-up and no meat,” and that doesn’t break your hearts? You don’t find it commendable that Marvin risked his life to defend yours?
Uncle Al: Appreciate the shout-out, but honestly, I am still laughing to the point of incontinence at your post that involved Battleship Bar and a pot full of kittens on the stove….
bostonfern:
I actually found it disturbing that the Navy either accepts the mentally handicapped into the service or that you can actually serve in the Navy and Merchant Marines FOR YEARS and be discharged without learning how to read and write. It’s a disgrace. Not on Marvin’s part, so much….
But, but Hillary is a FIGTHER! We need a figther in the White House!
Damn it, Marvin, it’s called Spell Checker!
Thought I’d drop by and tell you all what a bunch of sexy smart people you are.
Then I read the comments on this post.
This man’s like an awful lot of enlisted members of the Navy, and a better writer than probably 60% of the enlisted Army.
Puts his feelings on paper and you have to pick him apart like a bug under a microscope.
You’re not so sexy.
You’re not so smart.
You’re not all that worthwhile as people.
Ought to take a minute and look in your mirrors and see what shallow brats you all are.
That’s all I want to say.
You’re piling on a man who’s speaking for the people in the streets, in the uniforms, in the rural and small town and hardcore-poor neighborhoods in this country, and you’re laughing at him.
You’re not trying to understand what it’s like to be other than the lucky, snobbish, shallow jerks you’re showing me you are. Just like Sex And The City, you are all so oooooooooooooooovver.