‘Big John’ Cornyn Creates Comical ‘Western’ Montage Of Self

  too good

Big John Cornyn had to speak at a convention,
Oh my, what to say, with all that attention!
He queried his staff, they dwelled on the matter,
‘Til finally they settled on iambic quadrameter!
“A cowboy to narrate! Some bales of hay!”
Then Cornyn responded, “but isn’t that gay?”
“Nay” said his staffers, “It’s rugged, and tough!
It’s hard-working and white; you’ll look crazy buff!”
So Cornyn agreed and they made this video,
It’s shockingly gay; they thought it was witty yo!
Dear god, it’s hilarious, to a cosmic degree,
‘Cause this is what happens when egos run free.

[Burnt Orange Report]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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118 comments

  1. weirdiowasculpture

    ohmyGAWD!!! I just LOVE the suede jacket with the tassels, and the cowboy hat is SOOO totally manly!! And the horsies!! I think I’m feeling faint.

  2. DoctorCulturae

    I need a Hazmat shower. But wait, maybe it means I’ve caught teh gehy. Thanks Big bad John Cornhole.

  3. ronaldpagan

    Unintentionally gay Republican cowboys AND poetry! Have I died and gone to heaven?

    My favorite parts: the angelic choir, the fringed jacket, the word HUSTLE, and the part where he’s standing in his cowboy hat and the star spangled fireworks are shooting behind him, just like that scene in Brokeback Mountain.

  4. Karl-Thomas

    Thanks for the post. I’m so glad that Texas can continue providing political entertainment in a post-Dracula Cunt world. Thankfully, those of use in Texas can do something abut it by replacing this goofball with Democrat Rick Noriega this year.

  5. Gopherit v2.0

    One day Big John had personal business to attend
    all business of the senate he had to suspend
    He wandered down the hall to the big bronco’s room
    a wide stance in a stall he prepared to assume,
    Poor John soon found he was in quite a jam;
    on one side Larry Craig, the other Leslie Graham.
    What’s a Texas cowpoke to do? He let Larry ride him, while Leslie he blue.
    All in a day for Big John ,Big John. Closet Gay John.

  6. weirdiowasculpture

    Are all the men in Texas compensating for their suppressed homosexuality? I mean, the guns, the leather, the chaps, the bareback riding, the executions, the crazy religion– you’d think somebody would sit them down and explain just how pathetically obvious it all is. Lighten up and suck a dick once in a while, fer chrissakes, and calm the fuck down.

  7. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=17319]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: OMG!! BLEW! Blew, you idiot! Like you totally BLEW the joke!

  8. johnbpt

    [re=17319]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Damn, beat me to the Larry Craig reference by THAT much!

  9. wheelie

    [re=17305]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: Doesn’t do it for me.

    Me, I prefer my gay bears to be more straight-acting. He’s just a bit too camp and faggy for me. (No offence to the other members of my community but . . . you know.) He won’t be cornyn’ me any time soon.

    [re=17314]ronaldpagan[/re]: The angelic choir was definitely too much gay. But I admired his Pride cowboy float near the end with him and the lesbian.

  10. Seek

    Absolutely Gawd Awful. That is an offense against humanity. The jacket, the narration, all of it. I suspect even Texans think this is a steaming pile of cow crap.

  11. weirdiowasculpture

    Putting aside the whole gay butch thing, the Jimmy Dean song this ad is ripping off came out in 1961! That means the average age of anyone who might actually get the connection is at least 55 or 60. Way to appeal to a dying demographic there, asshat.

  12. Darehead

    Big BAD [re=17319]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Bone-anza!

    I liked da “blue.” We can use it for code when the fundies are around.

  13. tsunami

    hey…it’s texas.

    “they’re simple folk, you know, morons.”

    or

    “what in the wide, wide world of sports is goin’ on here”?

  14. ManchuCandidate

    Well, I walk into the room
    Taking in hundred dollar bills
    And it chills and it thrills like the horns on my Silverado grill
    And I yell a double double round of crown
    And everybody’s bowing down
    An’ this town ain’t never gonna be the same.

    (Chorus:)
    Cause I saddle up my truck
    and I ride into the city
    I make a lot of noise
    Cause the bucks
    They are so many
    Strutting up and down the Hill
    with my big dumb ego
    And the folks say
    Big ass hat, what a Phony.
    Everybody says
    Big ass hat, what a Phony.

    Well I don’t give a dang about nothing
    I’m saying I’m Big John Cornyn
    While the real boys are dying
    In Iraqi towns!
    And I wouldn’t trade the ol’ Hill
    or office for a lobby job
    Or Tour of Duty
    I’m the only fake cowboy left in this town

    Cause I saddle up my truck
    and I ride into the city
    I make a lot of noise
    Cause the bucks
    They are so many
    Strutting up and down the Hill
    with my big dumb ego
    And the folks say
    Big ass hat, what a Phony.
    Everybody says
    Big ass hat, what a Phony.

  15. PsychoticMonkey

    I can’t wait till this cowpoke is busted in a Dallas airport stall tapping his feet and passing some horse nuts under the divider to Larry Craig.

  16. SocialList

    Big John and his gay bestiality groper porn is just another reason to watch your ass when in Texas….

  17. ManchuCandidate

    [re=17353]iburl[/re]:
    Troy McClure would have been proud of Cornyn and his amphibian lust.

  18. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=17353]iburl[/re]: Spoken like a man who’s never had a box turtle look at him in that…..special way.

  19. ronaldpagan

    Sorry to kind of go on a tangent, but here’s another “Big John” song and Larry Craig reference!

    Panamanian strongman Juan McCain
    Was a handsome guy with a subpar brain.
    And he banged a floozy by the name
    Of sweet Marie, Floridian flame
    But by far the greatest of them all
    Was a girl who modeled swimsuits at the mall
    He went off to Nam, but at such a cost
    He and Carol got ugly, the attraction was lost
    For Big John, Big John, Big Bad John

    Well, although poor John was far from a stud
    He found a cougar and heiress of Bud.
    And could he be president? Yes? No? Maybe?
    Not with that black bastard baby!
    So eight years later, he had to beg
    And suck more dick than Larry Craig,
    He was lucky enough to get nominated,
    But Democrats scoffed, and Republicans hated
    Big John, Big John, Big Bad John

    Well, his trollop wife Cindy is a pill-popping cunt
    And his buddy Hagee said Hitler liked to hunt
    His PR people were repping for Burma
    His penis was limp and not getting any firmer
    “Th-th-that’s not change we can believe in,
    Hey, where are you going? Why’s everyone leavin’?”
    He’s been dethroned by “YEs WE CAN”
    But at the bottom of the polls lies a shell of a man
    It’s Big John, Big John, Big Bad John

  20. FlipOffResearch

    That tune reminded me of a little game I play sometimes. It’s called Jesus, God, Or Praying. What you do is: turn on the country music station and see how long they can go without mentioning Jesus, god or praying. And then see how many more times they do it, until you can’t take it any more and have to change the station.

  21. weirdiowasculpture

    [re=17358]FlipOffResearch[/re]: I think you’re supposed to hit a tequila shooter each time they say one of those things. If you can last 20 minutes before your liver explodes, you win!

  22. WhatTheHeck

    Easy there Wonketters, that music video just might win an award for Best New Bull Shit Artist of the year.

  23. RuperttheBear

    Well, aside from the obvious, this reminded me of THE GODMEN, which is also obvious.

    http://www.godmen.org/

    [re=17320]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: If they’d just “flame on” they’d be a “hole” lot happier.

    Now, back to cornyn the wife

  24. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=17363]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Strangely enough, by a blonde, drug-addled, cuntrollop.

  25. tsunami

    [re=17363]shortsshortsshorts[/re]:

    oh god…he was so good in “the attack of the big breasted sorority bimbos”.

    well…nobody lives forever.

  26. ronaldpagan

    [re=17319]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=17344]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Nice! Keep it up!

    [re=17330]wheelie[/re]: Yeah, the float and his beard were faaaaaabulous!

  27. Sub_Standard

    He rooted out homos, with AIDS in their butts
    And proclaimed far and wide, “Big sale on Truck Nutz!”

  28. Q

    Pride is a burnin’ thing,
    And it makes campaign cash sing
    But bound, by sex desire –
    I got stuffed with a cockring of fire.

    I got stuffed with a burnin’ cockring of fire –
    It went in, in, in,
    And my ass kept liftin’ higher,
    And it burns, burn, burns,
    Your cockring of fire, cockring of fire.

    The smell of poop is strong,
    When, Big John goes wrong.
    I fell for you like a page child –
    And, oh, you rode me wild.

    I fell into a burnin’ cockring of fire –
    It went in, in, in,
    And my ass kept liftin’ higher,
    And it burns, burn, burns,
    Your cockring of fire, cockring of fire.

    Your cockring of fire, cockring of fire (and Fade)

    And the music obligatory video…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y2iv_E-Fn9E

    Wonkette karaoke! Everyone together now! And a 1, and a 2…

  29. Darehead

    [re=17355]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: [re=17353]iburl[/re]: Why, our own peerless associate editor seems to have a turtle looking at him in that special way. Jim Newell, are you John Cornyn’s neighbor?

  30. Rodney Badger

    Speaking of gay, Al Gore is on my teevee right now. It’s funny, effeminate Al Gore comes across far less gay than Cornyn. . .

  31. ronaldpagan

    Motherfucking CNN is making me download some shit to watch the Al Gore endorsement. Did anything good happen?

  32. Rodney Badger

    [re=17387]ronaldpagan[/re]: Yep. He is giving a heluva speech too. In honor of Tim Russert I declare this speech a Bona Fide Stemwinder.

  33. Rodney Badger

    [re=17390]ronaldpagan[/re]: He gave Obama a huge kiss as he came onto the stage. It was slightly less awkward than the one he gave Tipper.

  34. Darehead

    [re=17387]ronaldpagan[/re]: Two Hopey-Gorey stories can be found just a few doors down from this one, including a vid!!

  35. Rodney Badger

    [re=17388]DoctorCulturae[/re]: That thump you heard each time he said “every vote matters” was the sound of Taylor Marsh throwing another one of her cats against the wall.

  36. ronaldpagan

    [re=17391]Rodney Badger[/re]: God damn it, my computer randomly shut down and I just made it back in time to hear Hopey thank Tipper. (Ewww.)

    [re=17397]Darehead[/re]: What do you mean “a few doors down?” Link!

  37. Mr Blifil

    Big? Methinks the lady doth protest too much.

    To their credit, I heard they cut the shots of him and Larry Craig running through a field of Super Tubers.

  38. dilhavarti

    Hey Cornyn. Your editor is so totally gay.

    key :14 horsies
    key :21 saddle
    key :29 gentle hooking of own cock
    key :30 flag diddle
    key :39 checks out dudes ass
    key :49 checks out dudes package
    key :56 demonstrates grammar aptitude
    key 1:17 “opened up” gubmint
    key 1:21 “gave support” to troops… navy?
    key 1:23 fringey jacket?
    key 1:45 “another man’s turn”
    key 1:56 more grammar demo
    key 2:04 PANTS-GASM
    key 2:10 more “peepee tower” self-hooking/afterglow
    key 2:22 See Stars With Me

    Whoa, Nelly.

  39. msvainfl

    That’s like a party I never want to end, I cried a single tear when it was over.
    I wish all the republicans up for re-elect would make a “Big John” styled video!

  40. JSDC007

    Looks like Larry Craig made this video: How Larry got some Dick while sitting on Big John,

  41. Vanity Smurf

    He’s going to lose to a guy named Noriega so we will still be able to have a good time with the Senator from Texas.

  42. dilhavarti

    [re=17408]dilhavarti[/re]: and he hates you/self. :56/1:56. Set him free, John, set him free your lover/editor.

  43. Jake290

    Hey! Hey! Hey! Born and raised in Texas and I’ve never been more embarrassed my a politician representing my state like I am in Corney (Bush is from Connecticut!), but as a member of the “opposing team” – the pink flawless one – we don’t want him! Granted the video was extremely flamboyant, campy and will probably make the rounds at the bars, but come on! You guys can keep Corney, Craig and T. Cruise! We don’t want them!

  44. rubybuckaroo

    OMG! You are all so uber-snarky!
    Damn, I admire your skills!!!
    Sometimes I wake up mumbling, words a tumblin’, but no, I still don’t have the “way” of snarkness.
    I long to participate, but alas, your shine is too blinding.

    By the way, who is doing that voice over? Is it an “Allen Smithy” contract ya s’pose?

  45. loudmouthredhead

    [re=17305]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: Yup, the embroidery on the SQUEAKY clean, never-ever-used-anywhere-near-animals, suede jacket really screams “REAL man’s man”

  46. Happy Fun Ball

    I love the part where we learn that ‘ol Cornyn’s gonna go get hisself “six mo.”

    The Republican Party: it’s the new clergy!! It’s fabulous!!!

  47. ManchuCandidate

    Makes Montgomery C Burns’ Man of All Seasons appear humble and dignified.

    Still nothing funnier than Larry Craig’s Man Getting Toe Tapped in the Men’s Room.

  48. RobPetrified

    The vid starts out like a beer commercial, then goes into an
    unintentional [?] parody of a ’50s novelty song.
    The Conservative Base will eat this up with a big wooden spoon.
    Two big snaps up for Big Johns handlers.
    Thats a brilliant, manly, kill the liberals type of commercial.
    Brilliant, of course, in a warped, keep the bitterz involved kind of way.

  49. WonkaBee

    [re=17355]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: My neighbor married a box turtle, once. But then there was that accident with the lawnmower…

    But wait! From: http://www.prospect.org/cs/articles?articleId=8112
    *************
    “It does not affect your daily life very much if your neighbor marries a box turtle. But that does not mean that it’s right. … Now you must raise your children up in a world where that union of man and box turtle is on the same legal footing as man and wife.”

    Later, a spokesperson for Cornyn explained that Cornyn had not read the passage in his actual address. In other words, at the last minute, on an issue of mighty national import, Senator John Cornyn choked. Pure cowardice. Naked — you should pardon the expression — political expedience wins out again over principled leadership. Where is the outrage?
    *************

  50. DoctorCulturae

    First 30 secs I thought it was going to be the Kline “Fever,” but then with the admiring close-up of barbed wire, the sultry windmill, those romantic slow-mo horsies, the skeevy grabbing of the saddle, and the lame look to the camera…Oy. Big Sissy John.

  51. wonk_the_heck

    [re=17462]sanantonerose[/re]:
    It’s posts like these that make me embarrassed to be human.

  52. Borat

    That is the best political ad ever. I seriously am going to smoke a bunch of Marlboros now to calm down.

    I wonder if him sittin’ on top of a convertable in Texas was some kind of additional manly reference? I ain’t afraid o no snipers – I’ll stare ‘um down

  53. sanantonerose

    [re=17465]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Well, at least I don’t live in Okrahoma. Dear lord, I wouldn’t be able to get out of bed in the morning from the shame.

  54. sanantonerose

    [re=17472]Darehead[/re]: Actually, I never really liked them that much. Their collective voices pierce my earholes like a javelin. But yeah, I know what you mean. I cling to the memories of Ann Richards, Molly Ivins, and Barbara Jordan.

  55. Quacker

    [re=17428]rubybuckaroo[/re]:
    It’s a Sam Elliot imitation – I think… ’cause if it’s really Sam, I’m gonna have to spit up.

  56. sanantonerose

    I hope to God that voiceover isn’t Sam Elliott or I may have to return my copy of Ghost Rider.

  57. villageatrois

    Who’s he fucking kidding? Who’s he kiddy fucking?

    Tell ya, hoss, ya don’t get those double chins from ridin the range tendin your doggies. Them wattles is from tending yer (ktichen) range and feedin your doggy. And it takes a lifetime of lassitude to make a big belly hang out when covered in leather, which is, well, stiffer than the honoree of this lame jamboree.

    I give it an 01, Larry. All Asshat and no Ass-cattle. The kids can’t dance to it, and shouldn’t. Not even the gay kids.

  58. Darehead

    [re=17357]ronaldpagan[/re]: [re=17494]villageatrois[/re]: [re=17408]dilhavarti[/re]: [re=17344]ManchuCandidate[/re]: n’ da rest of yers too: Big BAD John dun tap into yer creative faculties quite goodly.

  59. gurukalehuru

    I can’t believe that we’re 98 comments in and nobody has pointed out that this is not even the 1st time this political season that someone has done a bad parody of “Big John” as a campaign commercial.
    Ron Paul was 1st! Ron Paul wins!

    I’m not good with the linkie things, but it was that one where he was putting the defibrilators to the Constitution.

  60. wallythepug

    Just wondering what fellow Texan and erstwhile songwriter of “Homo Erectus”, Kinky Friedman, thinks of this video.

  61. Jewdishoowary Square

    [re=17367]RuperttheBear[/re]: Did that guy just invite me to bible study at the YMCA?

  62. bitchincamaro

    Cowboy John’s definitely a bottom. And that retching sound you
    hear is Tony Schwartz throwing up in his grave.

  63. slavojzizek

    I love that ‘makes lesser states squirm’ line. Texas is so macho it can’t have good relations with the rest of the UNITED STATES?! Damm furrenners….

  64. Carrie_Okie

    “6 Mo” obvious gay reference.

    And are there “Lesser states” than TX? I think not.
    Mess with Tejas, I do.

    Steers and queers I tell ya.

  65. Carrie_Okie

    oh wait, fringed jacket, a song about him…hmmm where is Dustin Hoffman? I mean, what about this DOES NOT SAY: Midnight Cowboy. He even admits hustling.

  66. snig

    His only entry in Wikiquote is:

    “Well, you know, that’s the problem in America, we’re always having elections. “

  67. teddytoad

    As a huge fan of the original Johnny Cash version they’re defacing, my favorite part is the ultimate abandonment of the rhythm: “Big Johhhhhn… Big Johhhhn… Big Bad John! Cornyn.”

  68. TJBeck

    BTW, Big John (biiiig jooohhhhn….) should know that the sun doesn’t rise on the Pecos, it sets. The Pecos is west of probably 95% of Texas’s population (….biiiiiiig jooooohhhhhhhhnnnnnn……….), and the other 5% is just a bunch of Mexicans in El Paso.

    ….biiiiiiig jooooohhhhhhnnnnn……….

  69. TXisgoing DEM

    When the ad says: “Big John gave support to the troops”, do they mean that Big John gave them a jockstrap or simply cradled their testicles? I guess he and Larry Craig took turns welcoming the troops home in the airport restroom. Happy Gay Pride, John Cornyn! Be sure and give Texas Gov. Rick (Perfect Hair) Perry a big smooch for us!

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