RSVPS  10:49 am June 16, 2008

Beloved Detroit Mayor Skips Obama Rally

by Sara K. Smith

SORRY CANT MAKE YR SPEECH LOLZ IN TEH SHOWRSexy text-messager Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t want his “legal problems” to reflect poorly on Barack Obama, so he won’t be attending a rally to support the candidate in Detroit today. “Legal problems” is certainly one way of putting it! Pretty much everybody in the Detroit metropolitan area has tried to get Mayor Kilpatrick to resign after it came out that he and his staffer ladyfriend basically got a cop fired and later lied about it, all so that they could keep texting each other about how much they wanted to LOL each other in a sexy fashion at the Benz Chili Bowl. Naturally, when the city council tried to fire him he vetoed the motion because that would be Undemocratic.

Because he is now such a terrible outcast and pariah the mayor will not attend Obama’s rally … until just before intermission when he swoops in from a chandelier, wearing a cape and half a mask like the Phantom of the Opera. He will sing a touching ballad about his loneliness and then scoop up Michelle Obama and whisk her away to his catacombs where they will exchange superhot text LOLs forever.

Kilpatrick to skip Detroit Obama rally


Hola wonkerados.

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norbizness June 16, 2008 at 10:52 am

So that’s what Kadeem Hardison would look like if exposed to Gamma radiation like The Hulk.

loudmouthredhead June 16, 2008 at 10:55 am

Oh, Kwame (and cronies)…as a Michigander, I couldn’t be more proud of our home-town farce. I wouldn’t even want to be in the same city as this man if I were Barry. His funk (as in odor, not coolness) might contaminate your campaign forever.

Way to make a positive name for black politicians there, Kilpatrick family!

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 16, 2008 at 10:58 am

He and his ginormous suits are single-handedly fucking up the supply of Italian wool.

Serolf Divad June 16, 2008 at 10:58 am

Because he is now such a terrible outcast and pariah the mayor will not attend Obama’s rally … until just before intermission when he swoops in from a chandelier, wearing a cape and half a mask like the Phantom of the Opera

You forgot the part about how that all he’ll be wearing.

bitchincamaro June 16, 2008 at 10:58 am

Kwame showed up at the Detroit Red Wings Stanley Cup
parade downtown, and pretty much ruined a good time
for white people and the country of Sweden with his
criminalityness. Barry will throw a forearm shiver
his way if this malook shows up at his party.

MoodProcessor June 16, 2008 at 10:59 am

“Sing, my Hopey Angel of Hopeyness. Sing!!”

norbizness June 16, 2008 at 11:00 am

[re=16700]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Nobody’s going to throw him and Arsenio down a flight of stairs anymore.

Servo June 16, 2008 at 11:06 am

I like the Imperial Yellow tie.

tsunami June 16, 2008 at 11:07 am

so…is mayor Kilpatrick “black enough” for y’all?

Q2 June 16, 2008 at 11:10 am

Holy Chalupa Crapman! Kwame wanted to ass-lol his gf in a bowl of chili? STAY AWAY from our Mocha Messiah you ass grabin’ puddle of putrid political perversion!

Naked Bunny with a Whip June 16, 2008 at 11:13 am

It’s shameful that he isn’t in jail for his crimes, or at least for looking a white man in the eyes at some point.

Delicious June 16, 2008 at 11:20 am

Maybe he’s not resigning because he’s INNOCENT!?

(ohh, cramp..oww)

Electric Zen June 16, 2008 at 11:26 am

This is a tactical mistake. Obama has likely cost himself the critical Chili Bowlers electorate by throwing Kilpatrick under the bus.

I look forward to the garishly animated website.

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 16, 2008 at 11:30 am

Kwame Kilpatrck makes Cab Calloway look like Sgt. Dangle.

/That’s it. I don’t have any more awful “huge suit” jokes. Rest easy.

Walter Sobchak June 16, 2008 at 11:33 am

You know, if he were a Republican, it would have been a nine-year-old boy he was texting, and Walnuts! wouldn’t care, because he still uses a rotary phone.

bitchincamaro June 16, 2008 at 11:38 am

@BMC FC: Don’t forget this one:

btw, you have no reply button because your
name is too long???

mookworthjwilson June 16, 2008 at 11:44 am

[re=16728]Walter Sobchak[/re]: Actually, in addition to getting the grumpus her Republican registration, I hear Bloggy McChubbums also got the old coot one of those Jitterbug phones. No text capabilities however…

ForeignSickSpecialist June 16, 2008 at 11:44 am

I just wanna know what the opening bid is for Kwame’s governmental stripper pole. Whole lotta Detwat on that…

Walter Sobchak June 16, 2008 at 11:49 am

[re=16728]Walter Sobchak[/re]: I knew there was a better phone joke in there somewhere…

AngryBlakGuy June 16, 2008 at 11:52 am

…after all of this “guilt by association” crap going on this cycle, Barry probably put a restraining order on his azz!

AngryBlakGuy June 16, 2008 at 11:54 am

…this guy looks like he raided the wardrobe vault of the movie “Dick Tracy”!

thefrontpage June 16, 2008 at 12:05 pm

But Kilpatrick did show up at at the annual summer picnic for the Corrupt Officials Network (CON), held this year on the old grounds of the former Lorton Penitentiary in Virginia. Among those in attenandace: Duke Cunningham, Eliot Spitzer, Marion Barry, Mark Foley, Kent Conrad, Don Sherwood, that Orange County Sheriff guy, about 500 former politicians from New Jersey, Alex Rezko, Jack Abramhoff, Scooter Libby, Harriet Miers, Alberto Gonzales, a huge Halliburton contingent, Richard Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, John Bolton, Karl Rove, those corrupt Interior Department former officials, that DHS woman who lied about the Halloween party, several White House officials who edited important environmental and scientific reports from the Bush administration, and about 500 former Congressman, Governors, Mayors, Police Chiefs, Judges, Sheriffs and County Executives from around the country. The expansive buffet, provided free by former Enron and Signatures Restaurant officials, included sour grapes, spilt milk and plenty of humble pie.

AxmxZ June 16, 2008 at 12:08 pm

It’s kind of touching the way all these political lepers willingly pick up the bell and run around ringing “Unclean! Unclean!” for Obama’s sake.

Q2 June 16, 2008 at 12:09 pm

I’m gonna quit my day job and concentrate on inventing a cell phone with a little hand that comes out and jerks you off. The savings in governmental sext-messaging traffic will be gigantic, and Federal bureaucratic efficiency will be vastly improved. And I will be RICH! MUHAHAHA! But who will I test the prototype units on? Who will risk their penises in the name of progress?

gurukalehuru June 16, 2008 at 12:38 pm

O.K., perhaps it’s racist of me, but Kwame Kilpatrick makes me think of Marion Barry and what an inspired Vice Presidential choice that would be Barry/Barry ’08.

Also, after reading the NYT article, I was trying to think of some clever comment about Black Barry’s Blackberry, but maybe that is over the line.

Forgive me.

problemwithcaring June 16, 2008 at 12:41 pm

[re=16726]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: [re=16731]bitchincamaro[/re]: [re=16742]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Steve Harvey and another comic from the Tom Joyner Morning Show J. Anthony brown has a store in Inglewood near my pharmacy and it sells nothing but those huge, loud pin-stripy zoot suits with matching dyed, alligator-skin Stacy Adams. They even have a website –

Kwame is one of those “people under 50″ with a “BMI over 40” who finds this look attractive. They believe the reams and reams of fabric allow them to somehow secure those copious mounds of flesh into some semblance of stature without losing their dignity. Of course, they are exactly wrong.

shortsshortsshorts June 16, 2008 at 12:42 pm

Just wait till those witch-burners find his “Goddamn America” texts. Detroit’s largest watermelon and banana war will follow.

TGY June 16, 2008 at 1:07 pm

It’s nice that some people will commit seppuku just ’cause Barry asks them to. Shows team spirit or smells like team spirit, whatevs.

loudmouthredhead June 16, 2008 at 1:27 pm

[re=16724]Electric Zen[/re]: Didn’t Gore lose the same voting block by not letting them advertise for him on teh internetz?

bitchincamaro June 16, 2008 at 1:28 pm


Love it! Nothing says fashion like 4 kinds of BBQ sauce.


Botswana Meat Commission FC June 16, 2008 at 2:07 pm

First of all, you don’t have to tell me who J. Anthony Brown is! I actually met Tom Joyner once. Nice guy. Funny as hell, too.

Second, that suit shop website is the best thing I’ve seen all day.

Cicada June 16, 2008 at 2:23 pm

[re=16724]Electric Zen[/re]: Yes, but the Chili Bowlers were already divided into the pro-bean and anti-bean camps.

Pro-bean is leaning McGramps because they feel he understands their need for more fiber. Anti-bean is all about the beef, so we can assume they support Barry.

Ultimately, whichever candidate comes up with the best policy regarding corn niblets will probably win the C.B.s over.

HollowBrain June 16, 2008 at 2:26 pm

[re=16726]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]:

I bet he has the same guy who makes David Byrne’s suits.

S.Luggo June 16, 2008 at 2:49 pm

[re=16784]problemwithcaring[/re]: Thanks for the link. The J. Anthony Brown website is what the K-man thinks heaven will look like. (BTW: I was fully expecting to see Tim Meadows in one of the slides.)

NedPepper June 16, 2008 at 3:05 pm

[re=16742]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Where is the fedora and wrist radio, my first thought.

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