Sexy text-messager Kwame Kilpatrick doesn’t want his “legal problems” to reflect poorly on Barack Obama, so he won’t be attending a rally to support the candidate in Detroit today. “Legal problems” is certainly one way of putting it! Pretty much everybody in the Detroit metropolitan area has tried to get Mayor Kilpatrick to resign after it came out that he and his staffer ladyfriend basically got a cop fired and later lied about it, all so that they could keep texting each other about how much they wanted to LOL each other in a sexy fashion at the Benz Chili Bowl. Naturally, when the city council tried to fire him he vetoed the motion because that would be Undemocratic.
Because he is now such a terrible outcast and pariah the mayor will not attend Obama’s rally … until just before intermission when he swoops in from a chandelier, wearing a cape and half a mask like the Phantom of the Opera. He will sing a touching ballad about his loneliness and then scoop up Michelle Obama and whisk her away to his catacombs where they will exchange superhot text LOLs forever.