Will McCain Choose Nutball Exorcist For Veep Candidate?

 

Hi Darla!When young corporate Republican Bobby Jindal was sworn in as Louisiana’s governor five months ago, the national press noted that he was the child of Punjabi Indians who had just moved to America, and that he was young for a governor (36). All very interesting, blah blah, but did you know he’s a wacky Extremist Catholic (like Mel Gibson!) who performs exorcisms on people to rid them of The Demons From Hell?

Jindal’s family is Hindu, as you might expect, but Bobby — who took his pretend American name from the extremist sitcom character “Bobby Brady” — turned to strange Louisiana beliefs in high school and became a Weird Catholic who questions whether Protestants truly worship Jesus.

Better yet, Bobby is like a 36-year-old nerd version of the spooky movie priests in The Exorcist.

In a freakish essay he wrote for the “red meat of Catholicism” journal called New Oxford Review in 1994, Jindal writes about some gal he was kind of half-dating, but he wouldn’t have sex with her because he is a Christian Nut, but he insists on dating her because these dudes are all about self-torture and ruining the University Experience (of having lots of sex) and making women uncomfortable, and she finally freaks out and stomps out during their date at some concert — Christian a cappella, of course (no demon African drums) — and he chases after her and she’s crying so OBVIOUSLY SHE HAS BEEN POSSESSED BY A DEMON, FROM HELL.

So then Bobby and his dingbat “Campus Crusade For Christ” loser friends decided they would have an Exorcism and started chanting and waving crucifixes over her and screaming about Mother Mary and all ganged up on her and wouldn’t let her leave and the gal freaked out, the end.

 
Related video

Bobby Jindal is going to be an awesome pretend vice president for John McCain. Maybe Bobby will even get the demons out of Cindy, wink wink.

Jindal and Satan [Political Wire]
Is Bobby Jindal — Who May Be On McCain’s Veep Shortlist — An Exorcist? [TPM]

Related

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

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81 comments

  1. Imagine42

    I don’t understand why you chose that picture. This story has nothing to do with Hillary Clinton.

  2. gurukalehuru

    Isn’t being a Hindu sort of like being a Muslim, except with beef instead of pork?

  3. SayItWithWookies

    There is a fine line between celibacy and insanity. Religious fanatics like Jindal have erased that line.

  4. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    I can’t wait for him to start showing up at Georgetown for lectures. It’s giving me goose-bumps already!

  5. Tits_LaRue

    Especially important is the warning to avoid conversations with McCain. We may ask what is relevant but anything beyond that is dangerous. He is a liar. McCain is a liar. He will lie to confuse us. But he will also mix lies with the truth to attack us. The attack is psychological, Obama, and powerful. So don’t listen to him. Remember that – do not listen.

  6. nowukkers

    Actually at first glance, I thought it was a picture of our dream candidate Shelley Dracula Cunt Gibbs.

  7. loudmouthredhead

    I think that’s what he and his friends thought sex WAS at the time. “Was that good for you, baby?”

    I assume he’s a product of that fine, chris-chun, don’t-touch-that-’cause-it’s-evil, no-sex-’til-marriage (then you can cheat all you want with boys) sex education curriculum, no?

  8. vicuna

    The “conservative base” thinks Mittens Romney is too out there, so I doubt any wacky exorcism-practicing Catholic-former-Hindus are going to get the VEEP nod. I’m a pape myself but those campus crusaders make crazy talk.

  9. Canuckledragger

    Well, what else could poor Bobby do? I mean, Miss Jones, the chick in question, wanted to have teh segks with him, which meant that she was evil and needed cleansing.

    Besides, he was listening to a lot of Crue back in the day, and they instructed him to “Shout At The Debbil.” Not “With The Debbil,” as Nikki Sixx always points out, but “At The Debbil.”

    The Debbil in Miss Jones made him do it.

    Hagee goes stark, raving apoplectic about this Catholic boy in 3…2…

  10. Quacker

    When did M. Night Shyamalan become Governor of Louisiana? Din’t those crackers ever see Lady in the Water? How bad was that?

  11. loudmouthredhead

    [re=14609]freakishlystrong[/re]: BA-zing! No, actually, like many GOP men, seeing one in his own age group frightened him.

    “…Thank heaven for little girls…” er, boys?

  12. The Real JR Revisted

    FOCUS, PEOPLE:

    Interestingly, Mr. Jindal explains that one of the reasons he considered conversion was due to the simple “compassion” of a young girl who dreamt of being appointed to the United States Supreme Court so that she could overturn Roe v. Wade. From an early age, Mr. Jindal was impressed by this young Christian’s political aspiration

    I think he’s a couple peas short of a hurl of pea soup.

  13. Q2

    …he wouldn’t have sex with her because he is a Christian Nut…but he did let it blow him…and that’s why — to this day — Bobby Jindal has no balls. More than once “No-Balls Jindal” has echoed in the showers of Bobby’s local racquet club.

  14. Electric Zen

    A woman named “Louise,” who Bobby says was “a member of a charismatic church,” pinned Susan down and prayed loudly and desperately. They yelled things like, “Satan, I command you to leave this woman” and commanded “(all) demons to leave in the name of Christ.” Susan continued shouting. Bobby tried to remain calm, though at one point, he thought he could be having a stroke. Bobby considered calling the campus priest, but he also thought that Catholicism could actually be bogus.

    Susan attempted to escape, and during the scuffle, “Alice,” the student leader for Campus Crusade for Christ, “entered the room for the first time, brandishing a crucifix.” They had tried calling a “rival” Christian group to help, but the preacher “denied” their request for help and told them to not to “confront the demon.” Alice made Susan even angrier. Susan tried lunging toward the door.

    They all began daring Susan to read passages from the Bible. She would begin to read a passage and then blurt out obscenities. But after reading several passages, Susan changed, almost in an instant. She proclaimed, “Jesus is Lord,” and then told everyone she could not remember “any of the past few hours.”

    …which is probably what I would say if I wanted a bunch of kidnappers to let me go instead of dropping my body into the bayou.

  15. Truculent

    Unless he gives some guy a blowjob in a bathroom or creates his own furries porn site, he’d never get my vote.

  16. freakishlystrong

    [re=14621]loudmouthredhead[/re]: There’s a tubesteak joke in here somewhere, I’m just winding down…

  17. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Rumor has it that Cindy told Bobby he’d have to pry that demon rum out of her cold, dead hands.

  18. jagorev

    [re=14627]Electric Zen[/re]: Wow, just wow. That’s physical assault and battery, isn’t it?

  19. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=14627]Electric Zen[/re]: Exactly. Where’s the story of Susan the Christian post-demonectomy? Something tells me they made an athiest that day.

  20. Gopherit v2.0

    And what kind of creep equates physical contact with evil? It’s not like every time I give a woman a hug, I’m trying to hump her leg.

  21. The Real JR Revisted

    Okay, I’m actually going to decipher this batshit story.

    The beginning is just as Ken laid it out:
    Susan and Bobby were very close friends. Some people even thought the two were an item, but they never were.
    Yes, Ken. No sex. Really boring relationship.

    One day, Susan and Bobby attended a Christian concert, and in the middle of the show, Susan got up and left.
    SO he evidently did something stupid here or she was sick of being bombarded with all this pure, Christian mess. So she boated. We’ve all done this.

    Bobby knew something was wrong. He followed her outside,
    Ok, that’s a psycho move on his part. The chick just up and left you. You follow her outside? She wants to be alone or at least away from you, dude.

    and she was sobbing.
    I’m telling you, he did or said something effed up.

    Bobby tried to console her. A female friend showed up and gave Susan a hug.
    Translation: Lesbian. She was experiementing and was totally all about it.

    Bobby knew the problem would not go away with a hug
    Translation: He doesn’t believe in Lesbians. She’s obviously really sick or something.

    Susan confessed why she was upset. She said she had cancer. Skin cancer.
    Which is his reasoning for why she likes vagina. She must have cancer or something. Really sick. That and her skin is now sullied with the touch of vagina. Which is how he feels when he thinks of vagina. It’s dirty.

    The next time they were supposed to meet for dinner, Susan was late. She refused to apologize, so Bobby refused to speak with her for a week.
    Okay, WTF?! Your friend says she has cancer and you refused to speak with her for a week cause you didn’t meet up at the Quad like you planned? Something sounds insane here.

    But they quickly resolved everything when Susan opened up about her nightmares and the strange, unknown odors emanating from her dorm room.
    The odor is sex. He smelled sex wafting from her dorm room cause she was getting it on with her girlfriend and perhaps even her teacher at the same time.

    Bobby attributed the odor to the devil, because it smelled like sulfur.
    Of course he did. How is he to know different?

    When Susan was telling Bobby this, he excused himself and left the room. Then, he made the sign of the cross and prayed to God for help. When he walked back into the room, Susan “angrily lashed out” at Bobby, and he thought, “Gee. Thanks God. So much for prayer.”
    This is how he’s recounting his asshole move of getting up and walking away from her in a middle of a conversation, walking into the coat closet and then loudly proclaiming, “Lord God. Please make this heathenous woman admit her slutty, impure ways. Make her worthy again. Stop her from being such a whorey bitch.” And then walking back out into the room like he didn’t just do all that. Of course she was ready to kick his ass.

    Bobby and his friends in the University Christian Fellowship club (UCF) organized a prayer meeting for Susan later that evening.
    Translation: Conspired with the guys to jump her. Now he needs to lure her in.

    Bobby asked Susan if she wanted him to attend the meeting. At first she said no, but she quickly changed her mind.
    Translation: He fucking threw her in a burlap sack or something.

    Seriously, this is a scary story.

    Suddenly, right after a group prayer, Susan “emitted some strange guttural sounds.”
    Which means she started reacting badly to the cloroform they threw over her face while they drove her to the “meeting” place with her riding in the trunk.

    Susan’s sister told everyone to place their hands on Susan’s body. Bobby “refused” and “froze in horror.”
    Because touching women is dirty.

    She yelled, “Bobby, you cannot even love Susan.”
    Because she felt he was a dick.

    Susan began insulting every person in the room, revealing private information and embarrassing secrets.
    Meaning she did call him a dick and started telling everyone about how he wouldn’t put out and then acted like she was a bitch for not wanting to respect his purity.

    Susan attempted to escape, and during the scuffle,

    okay, i had to stop. this is sick and stupid.

  22. valencia

    I can hardly wait until The United States becomes a “Christian” country. I will feel so much safer. I just pray that I live to see that day!

  23. Tits_LaRue

    [re=14627]Electric Zen[/re]: Yikes! The whole episode sounds like some kind of religious gang-bang!

  24. AngryBlakGuy

    …ok its settled Bobby Jindal isn’t only a Muslim(or something like that) but he is also GAY! So lets re-cap WALNUTS! VP prospects as of yet:

    Charlie Crist = So gay that it HURTS!

    Bobby Jindal = Normal “Republican Gay”(dates/marries women but roams the internet for “Straight Guys” who want to pound his “virgin ass” or NSA blow-jobs)

    Mitt Romney = Any guy who cares about his hair and tan that much, must have a few gay trysts in his past(jury is out)

  25. Redhead

    In the article, he links the poor girl’s having had cancer to being possessed by a demon and says that the exorcism cured her.

    This is just…. no words. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? Oh, GOP, PLEASE put this guy on McCain’s ticket. That is just TOO easy a target. I can see it now – universal health care schmealth care. Jindal will just give exorcisms to all.

  26. William Tecumseh Sherman

    [re=14752]Redhead[/re]: But would John McCain’s health plan cover excorcisms? Oh, and, yay Darla!

  27. Voted for Mondale

    Damn – this means we’re stuck with TPaw (That’s Tim “My father was a truck driver” Pawlenty for you non-Minnesotans).

  28. Redhead

    [re=14785]William Tecumseh Sherman[/re]: McCain’s health plan WOULD be exorcisms. No need for doctors, hospitals and those newfangled fancy medicines – just have Jindal and his friends pin you down and throw a bible at you, and you’re cured!

  29. 1ofUS

    Anagram Bobby Jindal for Bad Job by I. Fucker can’t even make a grammatical correct anagram.

  30. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    McCain knows that the Catholic Church is the Great Whore, so he would never pick Jindal, and Jindal knows that McCain is an apostate, so he will never agree to serve under him. These two value their religion too much to put up with each others.

  31. Imagine42

    I paid the $1.50 necessary to read this whole article.

    1. If anybody else would like it, um, ask me? Somehow? Using Wonkette’s magical talking-to-each-other system?
    2. OH SWEET MOTHER OF RON PAUL ON THE CROSS THIS GUY IS A NUTJOB

  32. m_supercomputer

    Dude, he’s not even just Catholic – he’s some kind of extra-crazy sub-group. I mean, we’re a strange religion and all, but I’m pretty sure exorcisms aren’t seen as something just anyone can do. If you even believe in exorcisms as a literal thing, which is pretty rare now, it’s gotta be done by a priest. Which means at least that some random douchebag can’t just decide his ex-girlfriend’s possessed, round up his buddies and do the exorcism themselves. Ick.

  33. Redhead

    [re=14815]Imagine42[/re]: Uhhh… by magical talking system do you mean me asking you for a copy? lol. (And what form is it in- .pdf or is it an actual document? As in, could you just copy and paste the whole thin here?)

  34. William Tecumseh Sherman

    [re=14802]Redhead[/re]: But would everybody be allowed free excorcisms or would it have to be covered by an HMO? ’cause you know what we’ll have if everybody is allowed to get one- socialized excorcisms! That, of course, would be unAmerican.

  35. RaptorAvatar

    You know who never have attempted exorcisms, guys who ask God to Damn America, or sacramental underwear in their past? Atheists.

  36. Imagine42

    [re=14826]Redhead[/re]: I have it in text in a .doc file now. Does wonkette have a “Private Message” feature? Or can I get away with posting the entire article here without getting banned?

  37. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=14708]valencia[/re]: Amen Sister. If Jesus came back, they’d label him a hippie fag and kick the shit out of him.

  38. jagorev

    [re=14817]m_supercomputer[/re]: Yeah, the Pope actually says that only someone with permission from his local bishop or whatever can do an exorcism. Jindal’s a lunatic.

  39. Tra

    When he says the pastor he called refused to help with his exorcism, I picture the pastor rolling his eyes, patiently trying to calm down the crazy person, then deciding he’s the victim of a prank phone call and hanging up. Another case of possession!

  40. Tra

    [re=14888]jagorev[/re]:

    Yeah, as a former Catholic I know it was really considered a fringe, kind of embarrassing thing and is only permitted rarely, under very specific circumstances, and could only be performed by a few select Vatican people with high-ranking approval. It’s not like every parish has an exorcist or something. This guy’s a complete freakshow.

  41. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=14896]Tra[/re]: Even worse, he said he did this with the Campus Crusade for Christ. Those guys were the creme de religious nuts on campus where I went to school. Newman Center X 1000.

  42. lawrenceofthedesert

    Aw, c’mon, fellers, it’s just David Duke in his ol’ rubber Gandhi mask!

  43. jagorev

    [re=14951]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: The Newman people at my school were very tolerant and pretty fun to hang around with, actually. Yeah, they went to Mass a lot, but they were mainline, moderate Catholics, with no evangelizing, and I spent a Spring Break with them doing service that was in no way religious.

    Probably the biggest campus nutjob group for us were the Naderite PIRG people. If it’s revealed that Barry was involved with that in Columbia, I’ll have to change my vote.

  44. TGY

    If WALNUTS! does choose young Bobby for VP, I suspect he’ll put him on ‘customer support’ for his campaign. Answering phones and suchlike.

  45. populucious

    I’m trying to imagine what might happen to those gun toting Okies a few stories back if both parties put foreign type persons of the color persuasion up for election. Watch thems little heads explode one by one!

  46. Jewdishoowary Square

    [re=14591]gurukalehuru[/re]: The only thing keeping me from maiming you with a comparative religions textbook right now is the faint hope that you are joking. PLEASE tell me you are joking.

  47. ct03

    Breaux, Foster, Landrieu, Vitter, Nagin, Jindal… Even the winning candidates are losers. I hate voting in Louisiana.

  48. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    You know, the more I think about it, I think by “possessed by a demon” he meant “owned a dildo.”

  49. Mr-Clark

    Ken Layne,

    What a waste of an education. He should have at least had the decency to wake up in a pool of his own vomit. I guess the best test to see if he is an exorcist is for him to throw a little holy water on Cindy and see what happens. Is he married? I’d hate to think that there is a virgin Governor running amok in Louisiana at 36-years-old. I’ve based almost everything I’ve ever done on sex and that’s why I don’t have time to run for political office, worship Jesus all day, or even entertain the idea of running with Midge. (I loved your pun about Midge’s “shortlist.”)

    It sounds like a good match though…Midge being from Biblical Times and all.

    Sincerely and respectfully,

    Mr. Clark

  50. Smoke Filled Roommate

    I think the whole Brady family should have been exorcised, especially Prajeet.

  51. Sacks of Awful

    [re=14815]Imagine42[/re]: I would like a copy, please! I suppose since Wonkette’s magic-talky-system of tin cans on a string is down, you can email it to me: nyara123 AT gmail DOT com. Thanks in advance.

  52. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=14815]Imagine42[/re]: Yeah, I’d like to read it too– smokefilledroommate @ lycos .com
    I’m the same age as ‘Bobby’ and back then my grandparents watched televangelists, believed in exorcisms, dialed up ‘prayer lines’ when I was sick with a fever once when I went to stay with them for a short time… Creepy crawly Catholic shit. That stuff still makes my hair stand on end when I think about it.

    I hope ‘Susan’ stood strong, got the hell out of there with minimal psych damage and went on to become a wonderfully productive atheist. haha

  53. Neilist

    Ken: For future reference, “Wacky Extremist Catholic” is redundant.

    Doubly redundant, in fact.

    Thank you.

  54. trai_dep

    Reminds me of the UCLA dorms when four vocal Christians held an exorcism on my doorstep for over two hours.

    We all lived on the sixth floor. I chose (and got!!) room #666. Just so you have a mental picture of what kind of undergrad I was (goth/post-punkish, not heavy metal-ish, I hasten to add).
    So finals were rolling around. They stayed up over 30 hours in their study group, still couldn’t get it done. They lived in a cluster at the far end of the dorms (the furthest they could get from #666. Well, and me). They’re high-strung, sheltered personalities to begin with, now sleep-deprived, wacked from coffee, No Doz and Coke, with mounting desperation and looming finals.

    One of them said he had a “burning feeling on the inside of his eyeballs, a pressure of something trying to get out.” The others quickly concurred. So they did what any reasonable group would.

    They figured that Satan was there. Ruining their studying. There in the dorms. On their floor. On my door. Embedded in the “666″ numbers. So they exorcized my. Door. For two hours, chanting, praying, candles, flicking bathroom sink water on my door with their fingers, Bible-reading. Four of them. Genuinely exorcizing Satan from my door.
    I had to call the RA after that. Not out of fear, but to end the party in my room that these Exorcisers started. Everyone heard them (of course) and after gawking at them would squeeze in my room where we’d laugh in disbelief. Then drink and smoke like salmon, fifteen of us in a two-person room.
    The RA tried defending tolerance of their beliefs, saying I wasn’t being respectful. I screamed, “For the last two hours, they’ve trying to exorcise Beelzebub from my door! During Finals Week. No one should “tolerate” that. Get DOWN here!” So begrudgedly, he shoed them away. After another half-hour. He came in laughing later, saying it was too good for him to break up too soon. Sigh.

    The weird thing is, they never admitted they had some weird psychotic, stress-induced, cabin-fever, over-caffeinated breakdown. They were convinced they rid my door of Satan. Sigh – thus my introduction to Orange County people.

    I blame the A- I got in Behavioral Psychology on Jesus. The bast*rd.

  55. Redhead

    [re=14867]Imagine42[/re]: Sorry, I had a work meeting last night and got home late. If there is a chat/ message/ etc. feature, I don’t know how to use it on here. I tried clicking your username and that didn’t do anything, lol.
    So my email is (and I HOPE I can post this here…) you[dot] suck[dot] cock[at] hotmail[dot] com.

    And[re=14841]William Tecumseh Sherman[/re]: Well, I don’t know. I suppose exorcism preference would go to the worthy, and everyone else would just be left to their own devices. I mean homosexuality is already a form of possession, right? (Well until you’re a Senator and you get caught….) I mean the rapture’s coming soon anyway, what with Katrina, the tsunami, and now everything in the midwest this year. Why, Jindal might not even serve the full 4 years of his term! The rapture could VERY well be within the next four years!!

    And can you IMAGINE that the McCain campaign, and all the McCain supporters who go off on Obama “being a Muslim” are really going to pick a guy whose name is that close to jihad?

  56. ThreeFingersNeat

    Wow. So we have a choice of a Christian-Muslim or a Hindu-Catholic in the White House. Now that’s theological trancendence!

    Kampus Krusade for Keeryst is still around? I would have bet good money they were a passing fad back in the day. Still batshit crazy as ever, I see.

    [re=14815]Imagine42[/re]: YES! Me too, me too! I’m surrounded by papists and need all the ammunition I can get. coldpisa [at] gmail [dot] com.

  57. trai_dep

    Is it incredibly bad of me to hope that when Jim Webb and Jindal appear in the VP debates, Jindal uses a Simpsons’ Abu accent the whole time? If he did, he would totally lock in the 7-11 vote…

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