Wonkette
The town of Kanab, Utah — more or less where Mitt Romney was born — has apparently caught the “Obama bug” and will liberalize its municipal swimming pool regulations by allowing bikinis for the first time in centuries. And tha-at’s not ch-ange we-ee can be-ee-lieve in.
The council claims that the ban it published on bikinis a month or so ago was “unintentional,” and it plans on reversing the ruling at its June 24 meeting. Still, councilwoman Nina Laycook won’t go all the way: “My recommendation is going to be no thongs or string bikinis.” Nina Laycook, it appears, hates Fun.
Also: Kanab is fucking hilarious:
The rule also made headlines across the state and nation - attention Kanab hasn’t seen since 2006, when it adopted the so-called “natural-family resolution” with its call for breadwinning husbands and homemaking wives to rear a “full quiver of children.”
No doubt, city leaders are hoping the relaxed rules will refocus the community on Kanab’s long-awaited city pool and the relief it will bring as the temperatures climb. Dubbed the Cowboy Water’n Hole, it is set to open July Fourth.
“It’s a nice pool,” Laycook said, “nicer than anything you or I ever had.”
And now Mitt Romney will be able to wear a Speedo to the Cowboy Water’n Hole with his 5/12 quiver of children on America Day, hooray.
Kanab City Council to lift bikini ban [Salt Lake Tribune]
Bikinis, schmikinis….
I prefer a woman who wears no bikini atoll.
F*#&@ you, Nina Laycook — you don’t know me. I could buy and sell you ten times over! Actually, I would just buy you. No need to sell you to demonstrate my fiscal superiority.
What the Fuck is a “quiver”?
Place sounds lot like someplace else. What was it called? Oh yeah, Paultardia!
What is it with these rubes and holes?
its call for breadwinning husbands and homemaking wives to rear a “full quiver of children.”
I guess they want them to “bow their cocks” instead of “cocking their bows.”
GAY
What’s next — allowing women to vote?!
First bikinis, then 5% beer, before you know it Utahans will be fornicating and dancing to rock and/or roll!
freakishlystrong: It’s what happens to Mormons when they see their womenfolk in bikinis.
freakishlystrong: I guess the assumption is that they will all be warriors for Jesus - but like arrows, they’re outdated and would just fail miserably in the coming holy war and quiver in fear.
freakishlystrong: Imagine a town populated by hundreds and hundreds of Duggar families.
Doesn’t Larry Craig saddle up at the Cowboy Water’n Hole?
But on a serious tip, isn’t this going to cause the average Mormon family of 9 to grow to 15? They’re gonna have to legalize polygamy just to take care of all those babies…
Hey, how do you get the magic undies in a bikini?
Will it look like this?
http://cache.gizmodo.com/assets/resources/2008/05/107-tobias-thunder-sm.jpg
Canuckledragger: FTW
jim…please stop making shit up. we’re not
idiots, you know.
Still, councilwoman Nina Laycook won’t go all the way:
Like most “good” Mormon girls I’ve known, while she won’t go all the way, she’ll go far enough.
There’s a lotta sand in Utah, but not much water. http://maps.google.com/maps?f=q&hl=en&geocode=&q=kanab,+utah&ie=UTF8&ll=36.456636,-111.906738&spn=10.260444,16.21582&t=h&z=6
One doubts that bikini-wearing was that great a menace to Kanab society, except in back yards.
Calling your brood a “quiver” of children sort of implies they’re like arrows–that is, little weapons systems you deploy against your enemies as required. What kind of weird theology is that?
I think right along here somewhere someone should gratuitously mention that the bikini was popularized by Bridgette Bardot in the 50s, just so we can see a picture of her. She also popularized sex. And can I borrow the official Wonkette time machine?
http://www.chrisabraham.com/bridget-bardot-bikini-thumb.jpg
…a sneak peek of the fashionable swim wear that residents wear to the pool!
HERS:
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/e/e5/MermaidClubPhiladelphia1920.jpg/538px-MermaidClubPhiladelphia1920.jpgg
V572625694: Hey, I know I go running at the site of children.
I’d like to see Nina Laycook in a thong! With a name like Nina Laycook, you know she’s got to be hot!
I wish Utah was on a coast so we could implement Lex Luthor’s original Superman movie plan, or at least saw that fucker off and set it adrift into whatever Gulf or ocean.
Has anybody else noticed that “Kanab” is “Banak” spelled backwards, and that “Banak” is kind of similar to “Barack?” Could someone point this out to that Securcom guy?
AngryBlakGuy:
You’re not thta far off, my friend.
thefrontpage: Here she is, dude — go nuts: http://symphonyofthecanyons.com/members/BoardPicture.htm
http://images.google.com/imgres?imgurl=http://carcino.gen.nz/images/image.phpi/028307ff/ghetto_swimming_pool.jpg&imgrefurl=http://carcino.gen.nz/images/index.php/00b9a680/028307ff&h=331&w=500&sz=44&hl=en&start=1&tbnid=OXnphqzFqj_XBM:&tbnh=86&tbnw=130&prev=/images%3Fq%3Dghetto%2Bswimming%2Bpool%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den%26sa%3DG
here in jersey city, livin’ is easy.
So, they want housewives with quivering rears, or children who go all the way, or relaxed cowboy holes or something? My reading comprehension is for shit today.
tsunami:
we’re not idiots, you know.
Speak for yourself.
Serolf Divad: …how someone doesn’t drown in one those, once it fills up with water is beyond me!
StrangelyBrown: Woof. It’s like a swirling vortex of antisexiness from which no whore diamonds can escape.
So long as they retain the ban on robustly-figured men in Speedos, I’m okay with everything else. Mind you, hot Mormon boys in Speedos? Doubleplusyummy.
StrangelyBrown: Sure, when everyone looks like that, celebacy is easy.
Would they prefer women wore these?
http://www.ahiida.com/
MathewBrooks: It’d save a lot of money on sunblock.
Whew, when you said “caught the Obama bug”, I thought for a minute there they were going to start letting black people into their pools.
freakishlystrong: What the Fuck is a “quiver”
I believe it’s what you do when you realize you’ve totally overwhelmed your resources and income because you’ve had fifty-billion kids at the urging of a town that’s obsessed with what people wear to the swimming pool.
I sincerely hope MITTENS has enough bikinis for his many lovely brides.
You really wanna see this in bikinis?
http://img.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/04_03/mormum2AP1504_468×315.jpg
Serolf Divad: Only difference is those women from the 1920s were h-a-w-t!
You know, I unintentionally banned bikinis just last week. Boy, was I ever embarrassed. But everyone conceded that mistakes happen and we all had a good laugh, which was unfortunate as we’d accidentally banned that as well three years earlier.
ForeignSickSpecialist: You are assuming that seeing these particular women in bikinis will incite passionate reactions. Assuming 10% of the male population is gay, but closeted, and good number of the women are in line with the average American BMI, and thus eitehr will not want to wear bikinis, or really shouldn’t, there is not going to be an upsurge in Teh Secs.
tsunami: what the fuck does that even mean?
Jim Newell:
It was a joke about the insanity of the story.
Why do we assume that a ban on bikinis anywhere in this country is a bad thing? I mean, have any of you been in a Wal-Mart lately?
MathewBrooks: Ohhhh..women will, when the Mooslim becomes President…
Jim Newell: I am HOPING it is a joke, noting that news has gotten so bizarre these days that it often seems like total BS. (as in “you can’t do satire anymore these days…”)
On the other hand, it might be Tony/Securicom/that other poster with no sense of humor whose name I forget just being a moran.
Tra: Oh, ok, thanks! Then is Mittens sending his fully eligible quiver to fight in Iraq then?
“It’s a nice pool,” Laycook said, “nicer than anything you or I ever had.”
I love this quote so much, I want to take it behind the middle school and get it pregnant.
MathewBrooks: some Muslim high school girl on her track team in the NoVa area wears one of these and she recently was banned from a meet because it was not official school colors or something like that. I forget how it turned out. But she wears this thing all year, even in a billion degree weather, to run track, and also runs during Ramadan while she is fasting. She is far tougher than I ever will be. That being said, SHE would be someone who would look good in a bikini, whereas the women in this story are another thing altogether.
Botswana Meat Commission FC: when we were young, we had to swim in the desert sand and pretend it was water. These kids today with their fancy ‘bikinis’ and ’swimming pools’, they don’t know how lucky they are.
freakishlystrong: If our new Muslim overlords will put a little more cloth over the neverending muffintop buffet that is an American beach, then I, for one, welcome them.
These people are beyond gay. I mean, i’m gay as a christmas cake, but i still love to see the multitudes of liberated tittitties that parade up and down Ocean Drive every day.
I hope this one turns up in a bikini…
http://www.bestweekever.tv/bwe/images/2008/05/Osama%20Bin%20Shoppin.jpg
MathewBrooks: Those shoes! My EYES!
truth stranger, way stranger, than fiction. sorry, was
distracted by my job.
Jim Newell:
StrangelyBrown:
“thefrontpage: Here she is, dude —
go nuts: http://symphonyofthecanyons.com/members/BoardPicture.htm”
I fapped.
Bill_TX: I am amazed that there are enough whore diamonds for the people in that photo, but then again maybe there aren’t.
*fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap fap*
Botswana Meat Commission FC: If you’ve ever been to the Great Salt Lake, you’d understand.
The resolution should have read “a full magazine of children,” or perhaps “a full bomb rack of children.” Mormons were never big with archery. Plus, you can get five, maybe ten arrows tops in a quivver.
Oh, the Quiver Full people! http://www.quiverfull.com/
Don’t forget to read the links addressing how the pill causes abortions and vasectomies cause lupus
http://www.quiverfull.com/birth_control/dangersofvasectomy.html
Fuck me! Or, don’t, actually.
I am reminded by that photo that back then Ms. Funicello suffered from severe ileitis, so she was always surrounded by intense poo gas. Plus, she always had extreme hirsutism, so the crew would have to constantly shave her body because she would erupt in a five-o’clock shadow by 10:30 a.m. making her look like Michael Landon. Her one-piece was basically a truss to hold her stomach in place on account of multiple hernia surgeries.
Sometimes bikinis are not the best thing to put on.
StrangelyBrown: Nina Laycook is a hot mamma!
“These are awful combatants, they are not human citizens, but um and I think that we should pay attention to Justice Roberts’ opinion in this decision, but it is a decision the court has made and now we need to move forward. As you know, I always favored closing these pools, and I still think that we ought to do that.” - McCain
Bill_TX: shortsshortsshorts: thefrontpage: So I take it that the Symphony Of The Canyons Board of Directors Swimsuit Calendar would be a great fundraising idea, then? One of you should email them to suggest it.
freakishlystrong:
I see no reason why not, as I understand the soul-destroying bikinis are also, happily, absent from that region.
A full quiver of children? The Mooslims are squozing them out by the 7.62×39mm banana clip.
Nevada, making up for Italy’s negative population growth…
freakishlystrong: A quiver is a tall much-branched African aloe. ‘Allo ‘Allo!
Jim Newell,
I hope Mitt shows some grit and wears a USA Flag thong.
Sincerely and respectfully,
Mr-Clark
That’s just..just…heathenish!
Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.