Wonkette
For a whole week or two, people have been wondering who Barack Obama might select as his running mate — and for many of you Hollywood Liberal Elites, nothing gets your shorts creamier than the thought of charming southern redneck Jim Webb and all the hilarious “White guy drives like this, black guy drives like this” jokes an Obama/Webb ticket would invite. But now people are waking up and realizing this would be the worst idea ever, second only to the Dallas season 9 cliffhanger and possibly New Coke.
You see, Jim Webb’s firecracker temperament isn’t well suited to the highest yes-man’s office in the land. Plus, his thunder thighs misogyny scandal continues to rankle the 18 million ceiling-cracks who voted for Hillary Clinton. Oh and also Senator Webb hearts the Confederacy and says the Civil War wasn’t really about slavery — an idea that, academically debatable or not, will probably not go over too well with uh BLACK VOTERS.
You know who Barack Obama’s running mate should be? Tony Perkins. Or Nick Nolte.
Webb’s rebel roots: An affinity for Confederacy [Politico]
Anyone but Webb [Slate]
i was thinkin’ amy winehouse.
Wesley Clark!
Of course he’s not going to be VP. Whose idea was it anyway to try to win over rednecks by making their star representative in the guv’mint a black man’s bitch?
Sara, I hate to break it to you, but Webb is perfect to appeal to my dumber, fatter, ign’ant white cousins. Barry will already get every Dem vote, regardless of the gnashing of teeth done during the primary by post-menopausal women.
We, as democrats, need to accept that the perceived elitism needs to be balanced by some down home *cough* redneck *cough* racist pandering.
To balance the ticket either Johny or Edgar Winter.
Ted Strickland! Cornholio extroidnaire’!
Ross Perot!
…maybe Jackie Chan or Mel Gibson, so that we can get the proper action/buddy flick proportioning!
Mark Warner. The two of them would give the ticket a cool ‘I Spy’ vibe like Bill Cosby and Robert Culp.
HILLARY CLINTON FOR VEE PEE 2008 GO HILLARY DON’T LET THOZE MYSOIGYINISTS GET YOU DOWN I’M VOTING FOR MCCAIN!!!!!!!!!!! HILLARY 4 U AND ME!
Scarlet Johanson!!
Yes, Jim. The Civil War was about State’s Rights. The right to own negroes.
AngryBlakGuy: Mel Gibson? Do you not want a SINGLE Jewish vote? You anti-semite!
Terry McAuliffe is still the clear choice.
‘Rican bacardi for everyone North and South.
DemmeFatale: Wesley Snipes! We’ve already got a vampire as VP. Why not another?
Murphy/Nolte ‘08 (I’m dating myself here).
Paul Edward Blaise McClure for Veep!
obama/bloomberg!!!!
Richard from Top Chef!
Win Georgia, dammit.
i never understood the jim webb excitement. bunch of pansy liberals drooling over him as VP just because he was the closest they could think of as a “real man” which is a sentiment that’s really only shared by democratic dweebs and ivy league elite republicans.
it’s falling for the frame provided to them by the republicans as to what a real man is. of course jim webb fits the mold, he was a republican until a few years ago.
what you have to do is redefine masculinity/electability to your own style otherwise you’re always going to be playing a game of catch up, and in this instance it’s catch up with the gun carrying, army loving redneck. i’d rather have republican pretty boy charlie crist as VP any day over a jim webb or a jack murtha.
Botswana Meat Commission FC: I hope that wasn’t a spoiler alert. I haven’t been to my TiVo yet.
I just want the Constitution to be amended so that we can elect Bell, Biv, and DeVoe in 2012.
AxmxZ: Obama/Duke (David) ‘08!!!!
Susan Sarandon. She’s white, female, mature, and her inclusion will finally get those liberals solidly behind Barry.
Kenneth Parcell!!
So he needs a white, southern regular-guy who has an appeal to women. How about Matthew McCaunaghy? Let’s put a naked, pot-smoking bongo player in the VP spot!
For those of us who prefer “Beverly Hills Cop” over “48 Hours”…….Bronson Pinchot.
Hopey/Murphy: “Giiiiiitt the fuckoutta here!!”
Pinchot: “Nawwww, I cannnnot!! Don’t be stupid!”
(On second thought, nah. Too chardonnay-sipping elitist.)
nougatmaster: If only. Sheriff Bart/The Waco Kid ‘08.
SayItWithWookies: One himbo on the ticket is more than enough.
It’s gotta be Rod Stieger of “In the Heat of the Night” fame. Of course he will have to call Barack “Mr. Tibbs.” Rod is old , white, and his name sounds kind of Jewish. His bio provides a viable and salient alternative to McCain. Check it out; “…Steiger grew up with his alcoholic mother before running away from home at age sixteen to join the United States Navy during World War II” With Rod as veep, Obama can pull all of those shitty demographics into the fold that probably should stay home home on election day anyhow.
Well considering how Obama has been texting Scarlett Johansson, and how Benicio Del Toro reputedly nailed her in an elevator at the Oscars, I’m leaning toward Benicio for the “number two slot” (though we have no idea if Scarlett let him enter the domain of her Number Two slot), as long as he changes his name to something American.
I think we should go with Barry’s physical polar opposite: Phillip Seymour Hoffman.
AxmxZ: Well I wanted to go with my fave geek crush Lara Logan, but I don’t think she’s an American citizen. Then there’s Kathleen Sebelius — however, I’m afraid that if Obama picks a woman besides The Divine Mrs. H, it’ll end up raining dead cats on her doorstep until she withdraws.
loquaciousmusic: What about Sigue Sigue Sputnik? Where does that leave them–on the Republican ticket?
Dems need a REAL MAN like Barbara Boxer to balance the ticket.
That linked Politico article is a disgrace to journalism. Without coming out and actually saying that anything Webb has said is wrong, it merely smears his past as “potentially problematic”. It’s nothing more than FUD.
William Cohen. A Republican Jewish white basketball player who voted to impeach Nixon, was Secretary of Defense under Bill Clinton and has a black wife. Perfect!
Not to be non-snarky, but can we please please PLEASE stop with the “gee, maybe the Civil War wasn’t about slavery, it’s debateable” thing?
In 1860, slavery had been the most divisive issue in American politics for more than thirty years. When Abraham Lincoln was elected, he was the most outspokenly anti-slavery President pretty much ever, and though he didn’t think it would be politically possible to ban the practice outright, he made it pretty clear that he would like to if it were. Immediately upon his election, eleven states voted to leave the Union, all of which were slave states. Of the four slave states that didn’t seceed, Missouri was soon split by its own internal civil war, in which areas with large numbers of slaveowners supported the south; Kentucky tried to declare itself neutral; and Maryland was only prevented from breaking away by essentially being occupied by the Federal army and its legislature threatened by arrest. Only Delaware, where slavery was legal but there were very few actual slaves, was free from drama. Does that sound like the debate was over excise taxes or something?
Oh, and let’s not forget that the Confederate constitution was almost a word-for-word copy of the US constitution, except for the president being limited to one six-year term and, oh yeah, Congress couldn’t ban slavery; that many of the states that broke away stated explicitly that they were doing so to protect their “property” (a common euphemism for slaverly), or, even more explicitly, their “property in negro slaves”; and that pro-Union sentiment in the south was most strongly located in the Appalachian regions of Virginia (which eventualy became West Virginia) and N. Carolina, which is precisely where there were the fewest slaves.
It’s true that only about 10 percent of southern whites were slave owners. But that was the 10 percent that were in charge, and made decisions about political matters. So, southerners, I’m sorry your ancestors suffered and died to defend slavery. It doesn’t necessarily make them bad people, even. But the fact that you fight nobly and bravely against impossible odds doesn’t make the political cause you’ve been fighting for just.
loquaciousmusic: YOU ARE SO RIGHT AND THAT IS CORRECT AND I AGREE WITH YOU MUCH.
Please don’t use the term “creamy shorts” (or any of it’s variations) so close to lunchtime. I just barfed into my sangwich.
Put Lieberman on the ticket.
Maybe he would then shut the fuck up — what with the lying and all…
Josh Fruhlinger: Are sex slaves okay?
mpslim: Rod Steiger is not only old, he’s dead, and has been for six years. However, that’s one constituency that Barack hasn’t appealed to yet, so maybe it’s not such a bad idea.
Anyone who confesses to a supressed desire to slug Bush is A-OK with me.
And have you noticed he’s been everywhere recently? Wait! Wait! Don’t Tell Me!, NYRB, The Daily Show, what am I forgetting?
Hank Williams, Jr. for VP. That’ll get the bitters voting for Barry.
Josh Fruhlinger: Next you’re going to tell me the Second Amendment doesn’t protect my right to own nuclear weapons!
I want Al Swearengen from that HBO series “Deadwood.” His
first act as VP could be to throw Bush/Cheney/et al in
Mr. Woo’s trough of hungry pigs. Yum yum.
jfruh: Right on. I agree with your points about the Civil War. Another thing that the disastrous choice for VP, Mr. Webb, gets wrong is his strong implication that State’s Rights was a doctrine that long predated the Civil War. Very wrong. There was no talk of States’ Rights until the Spring of
1860 when it became apparent that things were going to change for the South because of the election of Lincoln. Commissioners were sent throughout the South to talk up this new doctrine and explain what
it meant. Before Lincoln’s election the South essentially ran the entire country; every President except Adams, the Supreme Court, the Congress, all were overwhelmingly controlled by Southerners. No need for States’ Rights; all political thought in the South was the polar opposite of States’ Rights. The South is like Talleyrand’s dictum about the word ‘country’. ‘A country is a group of people with
a misunderstanding of their past and a hatred of their neighbors.’
Sorry to get all serious on you but this is a serious issue. Usually I read Wonkette and laugh until the milk squirts out of my ears.
SayItWithWookies: I think a vet/general trumps any female. The ladies will come around if Barry just trots his kiddies out a couple of times and maybe puts on a better-fitting suit. The hawks won’t be so easily charmed. Barry will need to acquire some vicarious balls o get them in his court.
I say Amber Ettinger mmmmm
So, Dennis Kucinich has fallen out of favor with y’all? Obama/Kucinich ‘08! It should help Barry pick up the munchkin-with-supermodel-spouse vote.
SayItWithWookies:
Steven Colbert! He’s from Carolina; chicks dig him; rednex
think he’s one of them. And when Franken takes the Senate
seat in MN, Colbert and Franken can hit the comedy club circuit.
Combover:
Mmmmmmm. Ear milk.
BlackEuro.Observer: Are you speaking of that sluttish model? Who are we? The French? http://www.worldwideglamour.com/mainmodels/amber-ettinger/amber-ettinger.jpg
I think he’s going to surprise us all and pick Larry Sinclair. They made a deal in the back of that Limo.
with all due respect to wonkette’s many moments of brilliance, “18 million ceiling cracks” is pure genius.
i plan to use it often. they are still out there and still loudly demanding something or other — and are so (deliciously) easily outraged.
it is v v useful to maintain a fresh arsenal of floor wiping insults.
If Webb doesn’t believe in the Civil War, I wonder what his feelings about the Holocaust are?
weirdiowasculpture: I call bullshit. After all, the man started out as a community organizer in Chicago, for Chrissakes.
The dead walk every first Tuesday in November.
How about…James Earl Jones? Mother of God!
AxmxZ: Shinseki?
ladymacbeth: As in “18 million ceiling cracks” can’t be wrong? That would be a fun one to taunt them with.
Jim Webb For President!*
*–Of the Confederacy.
SayItWithWookies: Another foreign-looking Hawaiian, are you kidding? The islands would sink under the weight of that much awesome.
S.Luggo: Yes Sir/Mam, this is, …ugh I can hardly concentrate on writing this after seeing that pic, but yeah that’s the one. Anyway, after clicking on way to many links about her and downloading complete sets of her “glamour” photo shoots I can say she needs some advice in teh styling department. European style.
BTW: hopefully you dumb Americans won’t laugh too much at my spelling b/c English is not my first language. As an elitist it’s in fact my 3rd.
Condiments-Only Diet: now you all covered in MAN-aise, beeotch!
Lewis Black. He’s at once bitter, mad as hell, and cranky; so he’d attract the rural bitters, the mad as hell revolutionary young turks and the cranky elders. He would be excellent in the veep debates vs Romney/Huckabee/Lieberman.
BlackEuro.Observer: Whoot, ETL. Same here.
Bob Loblaw