Meet The Cow Porn Judge!

This cow is watching you masturbate.Once upon a time a man kept a stash of comically dirty photos on his web site, and then he blamed it all on his son after people discovered they could access pubic-hair shaving instructionals and similarly “shocking” images from this site. Who is this magical dingus who produced the very worst excuse for hosting a porn stash since Mark Penn told his mom “I’m keeping that stack of Juggs for a friend”? Why, it is Chief Judge of the U.S. Court of Appeals for the Ninth Circuit and Reagan appointee Alex Kozinski, who happens to be presiding over an obscenity trial.

Actually, he has now suspended the trial for 48 hours while he figures out what to do with his own ample archive, which features the sort of naughtiness you’d find in the dirty birthday cards section at Spencer Gifts:

  • A photo of naked women on all fours painted to look like cows.
  • A video of a half-dressed man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal.
  • A slide show striptease featuring a transsexual.
  • A folder that contained a series of photos of women’s crotches in snug-fitting clothing or underwear.
  • A photo of a young man bent over in a chair and performing fellatio on himself.
  • A graphic step-by-step pictorial in which a woman is seen shaving her pubic hair.

YAWN. Kozinski needs to take notes from the guy whose trial he’s supposed to preside over: a fetish-porn maker whose hardcore videos featuring beastiality and shit hijinks has made it difficult to find a jury willing to sit through hours of nauseating “evidence review.”

Also, Judge Kozinski’s not-so-secret cow porn site also hosted several MP3s of Weird Al Yankovic songs. It is for this last offense that he should be hanged.

Upcoming trial will see hours of hard-core fetish pornography [Los Angeles Times]
Judge suspends L.A. obscenity trial after conceding his website had sexual images [Los Angeles Times]

Sponsored Video
Related

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

72 comments

  1. Happy Fun Ball

    Cool — I clicked on the second L.A. Times link in hopes of seeing a photo of this judge, and he just so happens to look exactly like I thought he might when I formed an image of him in my mind as I read about his collection. Also, the chicks painted up as cows look exactly like I thought THEY might, too.

  2. ManchuCandidate

    Don’t have a cow, man. He found the photos mooving.

    I’m guessing he’s a moderate Repub because he also likes women.

  3. loquaciousmusic

    [re=14015]loquaciousmusic[/re]: Although, after reading the article, it looks as if people just raided the subdirectory. Maybe this particular judge needs to go get a copy of Internet Porn for Dummies?

  4. Christastic

    If the Ira Isaacs trial goes as well as anything Larry Flint went through, I can’t WAIT for that biopic.

  5. jagorev

    Alex Kozinski is the man… and not just because of his porn stash:

    http://www.reason.com/news/show/36727.html

    Seriously, if you have to recuse yourself from a pornography trial if you have ever owned or enjoyed pornography, this would mean that no pornography trial can proceed anywhere in the country. Which sounds good to me.

  6. Serolf Divad

    The judge said it was strictly by chance that he wound up presiding over the trial of filmmaker Ira Isaacs in U.S. District Court in Los Angeles. Appellate judges occasionally hear criminal cases when they have free time on their calendars, and the Isaacs case was one of two he was given, the judge said.

    Isaacs is on trial for distributing sexual fetish videos, featuring acts of bestiality and defecation.

    You know, call me old fashioned, but when I see the word “filmmaker” I think: Scorcese or Antonioni. When I hear the words bestiality and defecation, I think “pornographer.” Now, I don’t want to be too judgmental here, but maybe we could get back to acknowledging that old distinction.

  7. jagorev

    And yeah, he’s a Reagan appointee, but he’s also one of the most principled defenders of free speech and civil liberties anywhere in the country.

  8. AfghanVet

    Reminds me of our JAG officer we had in the Dirty A that had to sift through the porn soldiers were downloading over government networks and/or sending to each other. Hard to look a soldier in the eye after some of that stuff.

    Hey, if it’s with or about consenting adults, who freakin’ cares.

  9. AngryBlakGuy

    …what, no midget porn or 2 girls 1 cup?! Any self respecting FREAK-A-ZOID would have these in their libraries!

  10. WadISay

    Like many of you, I have been working on some screenplay, for a porn movie. So far, I’ve got, “So you’re the plumber! Yes, it’s hot and wet in my basement, and I think you’ve got the right tools, oohhhahhhOGODOGODOGOD!” Now I’ve got writer’s block.

  11. Godless Liberal *

    Huh. Apparently, Judge Kozinski once appeared on The Dating Game, and won the heart of some lucky gal.

  12. Imagine42

    What’s the big deal? So the guy had some pictures of Weird Al doing a striptease and fellating various chairs painted to look like various farm animals? Who DOESN’T?

    …Sorry, maybe I wasn’t paying very good attention to this story. It’s 10:30AM, so I’m drunk.

  13. El Bombastico

    How dare you besmirch the good name of Weird Al Yankovic by associating him with this pervert?

  14. freakishlystrong

    “Cow Porn” and “Cornhole” are now officially my favorite words…I can’t stop teh gigglin’!

  15. AngryBlakGuy

    •A video of a half-dressed man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal.
    -Even as progressive I draw the line at GAY bestiality!

    •A slide show striptease featuring a transsexual.
    -Was she wearing a black cocktail dress and talking about how Jews need to be “Perfected”?

    •A folder that contained a series of photos of women’s crotches in snug-fitting clothing or underwear.
    -Which guy doesn’t have a folder containing camel-toe photos?!

    •A photo of a young man bent over in a chair and performing fellatio on himself.
    -I have a feeling this guy doesn’t leave the house very often(I know I wouldn’t)!

  16. scotterl

    Spencer’s is still in biz? Great, now I can replace my Ozzy black light poster lost in the flood and my hard white plastic vibrator.

  17. metropolitan

    this is considered a scandal? transexual strippers and cow ladies? i’ve seen more shocking things in the nickelodeon bulletin board avatars. i’m giving this guy a pass. i could only hope that judges presiding over obscenity trials have a GOATSE screensavers, just to keep them in touch with regular folks tastes.

  18. AfghanVet

    [re=14029]WadISay[/re]: Work the pizza delivery angle…lots of great euphimism possibilities there.

    “Hi, here’s the pizza…and here’s the pepperoni.”

  19. gjdodger

    Maybe Weird Al could do some parody songs in cousin Alex’s honor. You know, “September Porn,” or “King Smut.” Or that Elvis classic, “That’s Why I’m Shaved.”

  20. WadISay

    [re=14038]AfghanVet[/re]: At least with beastiality porn, all the actors don’t necessarily want to direct.

  21. bloodsprite

    Its not like he owns stock in the porn company, its not a conflict on interest its a confluence of interest.

    I don’t see the big deal … can’t he be as perverted as the rest of us?

  22. Mr Blifil

    Wake me when he resumes the trial with double layers of dirty, dirty neoprene wetsuit under his judge’s robe.

  23. Not_So_Much

    “featuring acts of bestiality and defecation.”

    Yawn — isn’t this also known as “Friday” in the Rove household?

  24. graceless

    [re=14033]El Bombastico[/re]: How dare he besmirch the name of this pervert by associating him with Weird Al?

  25. Anita Cocktail

    As a former 9th circuit law clerk (not for him)…I’m sorry, I’m cackling so hard I can’t write any more.

  26. S.Luggo

    [re=14020]jagorev[/re]: Plus he respects public property. “Kozinski told The Times that he began saving the sexually explicit materials and other items of interest on his website years ago.”

    If a court employee had done that, he would have been fired like a shot.

  27. loudmouthredhead

    Hmm….either he hasn’t learned the meaning of the word “encryption” or he WANTED people to find it. You know, in case he could meet any other barnyard swingers out there…

  28. loquaciousmusic

    [re=14035]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: A folder that contained a series of photos of women’s crotches in snug-fitting clothing or underwear.

    How many times do these people need to be told: Hillary Clinton has dropped out of the race! You can delete the pictures of her in a variety of pantsuits now!

  29. loquaciousmusic

    [re=14096]Securacom-wtc[/re]: This douchebag has a longer signature on his posts than my sixth graders do. And they’re better writers, too.

  30. Tra

    [re=14104]Anita Cocktail[/re]:

    Our overlords have abandoned us. Chaos! Anarchy! Panic in the streets! Riot!

  31. Lazy Media

    [re=14096]Securacom-wtc[/re]: Jesus Christ, this Paultard can’t even manage to make a funny comment about cow porn.

  32. nowukkers

    [re=14096]Securacom-wtc[/re]: Please restrict your rants to a single line, if you can’t snark. Your essays are rather tiresome.


  33. Post author
    Sara K. Smith

    [re=14135]Tra[/re]: I think I have managed to ban our pal Securacom-wtc. We’ll see if it “takes.”

  34. shortsshortsshorts

    You fail to mention that he’s an Paultard who fought for non-disclosure of Judicial emails and websites, and LOVES computer gaming (it was in the Chron as well).
    Dammit I submitted this gem but failed to realize that Wonkette is always 3 steps ahead of me. What an ass I am.

  35. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I had the pleasure of meeting Judge Kozinski back in law school, and watched him sit on a three judge panel during arguments. I will say this, if All of Reagan appointees were as good as him, the world would be a much better place. Hell, if any of W’s appointments were this good, we wouldn’t be torturing people for Dick Cheney’s pleasure (and that is something that is truly pornographic).

  36. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    I would never have sex with a cow. First, it is just wrong. And second, I am lactose intollerant. –Dave Attell.

  37. 1ofUS

    Juror A views evidence B causing a pilot vomit: evidence C. It just takes a bit of evidence for the avalunch of evidence to pile up.

  38. RobPetrified

    This thread is useless without pictures.
    Except, of course, for the one of the young man in the chair.
    Since that was me, I’ve already seen it.
    Why do you think I never leave the house, because I’m under house arrest?
    Nah.
    I just love my “special” chair.

  39. Anita Cocktail

    Wow, there’s 69 comments on this thread!
    Oops, 70 now. So much for poetic justice.

Comments are closed.