Wonkette
Here is a fun domestic terror tactic to use against people protesting a political convention: Fire a ray gun at a crowd of these ingrates and then laugh as they all convulse and then shit themselves and then disperse, to die, because their bowels have just been microwaved. Fox News says such weaponry will be deployed at this summer’s Democratic Convention in Denver.
Nothing says “hope” and “change” like using science-fiction weaponry on American citizens using their constitutional right to peaceably assemble, “and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” And the First Amendment doesn’t even exclude FREE MUMIA signs, ineptly constructed puppets that don’t look anything like Bush or Gordon Brown or whoever, or those goddamned “WHOSE STREETS? OUR STREETS!” kids in their Misfits skull shirts from the Hot Topic shop in the mall.
From Fox News:
Political activists planning protest rallies at the upcoming Democratic Convention in Denver have their stomachs in knots over a rumor about a crowd control weapon - known as the “crap cannon” - that might be unleashed against them.
Also called “Brown Note,” it is believed to be an infrasound frequency that debilitates a person by making them defecate involuntarily.
This could be dismissed as handy Police State propaganda via Fox to discourage protesters from showing up at the DNC. (Having attended a few of these presidential conventions ourselves, we would also like to discourage protesters from attending because there’s no point, and nobody within the convention/hotel/party “green zone” is going to hear about your protests, let alone see them.) But a pro-government news outlet isn’t the only source for this weird story.
The ACLU has sued the City of Denver to find out what nefarious weaponry was purchased with $18 million in federal grant money for “DNC security.”
And a real microwave weapon developed by the Pentagon for “crowd dispersal” was tested in 2005 on Air Force personnel (we’re assuming they weren’t officers). At least two humans have been badly burned by the supposedly harmless weapon, including one airman who suffered second-degree burns and was later fed to Dick Cheney, who described the airman as “too old.”
Mad scientists have been making shitting machines for nearly a century. Or, Nikola Tesla made a shitting machine nearly a century ago, and comically tested it on his “friend” Mark Twain.
Activists Preparing Against Use of ‘Brown Note’ at Dem Convention [Fox News]
Fox News is full of shit.
It’s all a conspiracy to make people more sympathetic toward McCain.
What’s weird is that the excrement is not, in fact, human shit. The machine has apparently been nicknamed the “Kristollator.”
(and please, no Kristolnacht jokes — that shit writes itself.)
I wonder how many wonkette commenters were ever part of a free mumia group? I’ll start: 1.
Also, did anyone read about the electric pleasurizer on the google books page? I bet that was why twain was so eager to try the colon-izer.
Great, now ADS can stand for ‘Active Diarrhea System’.
Why can’t George Clinton get involved and just shoot them with his Bop Gun?
Good God — that sounds exactly like a South Park episode. And, hey, isn’t South Park supposed to take place somewhere in Colorado? I’m going to have to call bullshit.
I, for one, welcome our brown overlord…
NBD. If you watch the DNC coverage on Fox, you will have the same reaction, from the relative discomfort of your home. — “Ka-bloom!’ next President of the — “squirt, ka-blam!” United States!
They do it by tele-Ray-gun. Powee. Why can’t they use it on our real enemies?
“Dr. Roger Schwenke - an expert acoustician who appeared on the Discovery Channel’s “Mythbusters” in 2004 to test the phenomenon - told FOXNews.com there is no scientific evidence that proves such frequencies cause involuntary defecation.”
Myth: BUSTED.
The answer to this, of course, is simple. Just don’t have anything in your system to shit. A heavy crack/meth addiction should do the trick AND give the protesters all the brilliance and energy they need to make a truly spectacular performance. OBAMA ‘08!
AxmxZ: I’m so glad someone besides me saw that episode.
So, if y’all could make one figure from recent election news shit his or her pants, who would it be? It’s petty, but I think a Cindy McCain “accident” would be especially hilarious. I’d probably pick Joe Lieberman though.
Jeez, ‘Brown Note’? That sounds like jail slang for contraband bills smuggled in via your pooper:
Fuck that shit man, you got a brown note? I ain’t havin’ nothin’ to do with that.. Pay me some other way fool, sheeeeet.
ronaldpagan: Yes, but having WALNUTS! do it would be not only hilarious but prove he’s too old to deal with shit, resulting in the most glorious political downfall of the last quarter century
SayItWithWookies: NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Kristol meth?
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Sorry to be ageist, but would anyone even be surprised if Walnuts shit his pants? Give him some time and he’ll do it without any help from the brown note. His meltdown, would be entertaining though. “Stop laughing at my bodily functions, you pack of cunts!”
ronaldpagan: bravo, sir, bravo.
ronaldpagan: Jon Stewart finally picked up on the whole trollop-cunt thing tonight on the daily show. We’re light years ahead, such that I felt kinda sorry and my enjoyment was less, cunt.
ronaldpagan: Nice. Hadn’t even thought of that one. Of course it’s all Kristol Lite, really.
I recently bought an item called the “kaossilator” by Korg that fits this description.
However these are Faux bandits, like Hill. They are fired. Murdock has given Barry the *Gold Star. This means that he has nothing to worry about from the majority of the pundits (who desperately need work) but he still wants to maintain that genuine Conserbitude Paultard base that brought millions in dividends to his investor folk. REALLY. Barry has a golden ticket, and shall be eventually crowned by Fox as our next Corporate Overlord. This makes me kinda love Jeebus again.
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: I know! I saw it and was like: WTF, he’s only getting to it *now*?
shortsshortsshorts: I think it’s funny that Fox cans (or ‘demotes’ or whatever) E.D. Hill for ‘terrorist fist jab’ and practically the next day they come out with this shit (gun). As if to say, “No, really, we’re still Fux News!!! Honest!”
Eddie Van Halen has finally dialed in the brown sound once and for all.
Smoke Filled Roommate: It may be a change of heart, as if the tinman has acheived out of the Wizard of Oz.
Rupie LOVES Barry. NY Post had Rupies personal decision in it, and the fucking “big time” Foxes are shutting their mouths on the criticism. Consider this the era of the Barry. Thank Jeebus.
Jesus, skull shirts from Hot Topic aren’t cool anymore? Why the fuck didn’t you peoiple tell me this sooner?
non sequitur: http://ronpoopmouth.ytmnd.com/
Also, why are those Mumia people at EVERY protest? Like, even peanut allergy protests.
I’ve been told Hillary delegates just don’t give a shit anymore, but we’ll find out for sure in Denver this summer.
Actually, the ‘Misfits skull’ is the Crimson Ghost. I always hated people calling it the ‘Misfits Skull’.. but that was back in the 80’s.
HILLARY WILL LOSE BUT WE WILL FIGHT BACK AND HITLER WILL RISE AGAIN AND I AM TOO TIRED TO MAKE FUN OF THESE FUCKING PEOPLE AND KEN LAYNE NO LONGER COMMENTS ON HIS OWN WORK AND ALL OF A SUDDEN I FEEL tired. sleeeeep people.
Bah! Just protest in adult diapers and tell “the man” to “bring it on”
Are you shitting me? You gotta be shitting me.
That’s odd. Where I come from, protesters are taught to shit their pants when dealing with the man. It’s a passive form of civil disobedience that guarantees the man doesn’t want to bust your ass. Mounties don’t like getting crap on their red serge tunics.
It’s worked so well for me over the years that I just spontaneously shit my pants whenever I’m in the presence of somebody for whom I don’t care. They split; problem solved. The French may fart in your general direction, but they’re just bloody amateurs.
Nothing says “don’t-fuck-with-me-crazy” like shitting your pants. Try it the next time some Jehovah’s Witnesses show up at your doorstep at 7 AM. It’ll be the last time they drop by to spread the good word of the Lord.
Buffy and Hildegard: it was this episode: http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/151766/
Can we embed clips in comments yet?
I see an opportunity here - selling marked-up Fleet enemas on the street the day before planned protests. Also, suppositories carved into the image of Dick Cheney.
In Minnesota, however, where the Republican Convention will be held….protesters will be pelted with tator-tots and green bean casserole. They will be further punished by being forced to go to the Mall of America and shop at Forever 21.
This is wasteful. The old Bitters clinging to Hillary’s nomination are likely to soil themselves whether or not you shoot ‘em with some new-fangled Buck Rogers ray gun.
The infrasonic weapon is an urban legend which never dies.
Oh, wait, the Denver police were going to use the shit-yer-pants-cannon on demonstrators outside the convention?
…is there an ultra-sonic weapon that can stop the shit spewing out of the mouths of FAUX News commentators?!
EnBuenOra: …next you will tell me that a penny thrown off the Empire State building wont kill someone!
Cleaning up after a protest is usually bad enough.
Spider Jerusalem approves this message.
Even if it doesn’t work, the Bitters from NoQuarter land will voluntarily shit themselves and blame the DNC.
Protester: How can we defeat this multi-million dollar superweapon?
Protest Leader: Depends.
Protester: Depends on what?
Protest Leader: No, just wear Depends and you’ll be fine.
You’ve got that story TOTALLY wrong! Cheney said “this airman is ‘TOO COLD’ - take him back and put it on 7 or 8 for 3 minutes”
AngryBlakGuy: It is not well known, but the World Trade Centers were not destroyed by the impacts of the hijacked airliners or the resulting fires, but the result of pennies which had fallen out of pockets on the way in.
They’re going about this all wrong. These protesters are okay. They’re visitors, they’re in Denver, we get these guys laid and we won’t have any trouble.
A constipraygun should be aimed at the dais, imho.
flamflurm: A constipraygun should be aimed at the dais, imho.
Is that a weapon which makes people pray constantly?
What, no butt plug tag?
What does one wear to protest at the DNC? Depends.
I love these adult diaper ideas. May I presume we would be wearing just the diapers and nothing else? If so, it’s a very difficult look to pull off, second perhaps only to being completely naked except for brown, calf-high dress socks, but well worth an effort. What a great way to let The Man know we will not be intimidated by our own excrement! Or the excrement of others in close proximity to us!
Instant brown-nose.
I gotta say, the Brown Note’s a pretty old, and frequently debunked, urban legend. Fox News is going to have to try a little harder.
Besides, the real shit problem is going to be all those incontinent old geezers at the *RNC*. Protesters at that one should try to put up a human shield blocking the Depends supply route.
Interesting that Minneapolis has no need for a pant-shitting ray gun. Guess the Republican platform will take care of scaring the shit out of protesters, so the cops don’t have to worry about it.
It’s nice of Faux News to give so much coverage to Re-create ‘68, the group who’s planning to protest the Democratic Convention. I wonder how much of the finanical support this group receives is not from fucking ditto-heads.
No…no, no, no, no, God, don’t let Warren Ellis be the new Nostradamus.
Why the fuck have we made “Bowel Disruptor’s?!”
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spider_Jerusalem
The irony is that the very same infrasound frequency is currently contracted out to all Fox affiliates.
Too true those Misfits t-shirts on kids today are annoying. First of all, Glenn turned out to be a major head case, and not in a good way. As someone who saw the Misfits perform live ca. 1981-82, all I will say is you don’t have the right to wear the gear unless you had the experience of at least worrying that you might not make it home from the show without being beat up.
And, no, seeing Jerry Only’s cover band doesn’t count.
[Iggy Plop: Which makes you wonder why so many progressive protesters really believe it. If I were them, I’d be more worried of the ADS turning my skin to pork cracklins. That thing is evil, despite the line of bullshit that’s been fed to the public about it.
Hey! Hey!
Ho! Ho!
My pants are filled
with a creamy brown flow!
Fun Fact: did you know that the hoopoe, the new national bird of Israel, can squirt fecal matter at predators? Colbert brought this little gem out last night. Is there a better way to protect the Golan Heights? I don’t think so.
If we don’t use it over here, then we will have to use it over there.
ronaldpagan: Lieberman always looks like he’s quavering in severe stomach pain, so I don’t think there’s really a point. I vote Meggy Muffin, prefferably in a skirt so we can see the brown streams twist their way down her chunky legs like sap from a freshly punctured maple tree.
MrAgro: Nobody steps on a church in my town!
DominicGwinn: That makes me nostalgiac for my old Gawker account.
Gopherit v2.0: EXACTLY. The Denver PD doesn’t have a “brown note” gun, but their newly-acquired ADS zapper will make you shit your pants from fear and agony because every inch of your body feels like it’s covered with lava. Given this is Colorado, though, I have a hunch that any force deploying the ADS on civilians would quickly find out that another way to shit your pants is by being shot in the gut with a high power rifle. Maybe the Paultardians will get their rEVOLution after all. Oh, happy day
Beef Supreme: I believe an actual transcript of protesters would be as follows:
“Hey Hey!
Ho Ho!….”
*MMMMMMMM*
“Suddenly I’ve got to go!”
Why do these people want to free Mummra? The menace and sorrow that he brought upon the Thundercats was pure evil. His whole purpose was “…serving as the undead focus for the Ancient Spirits of Evil.” Nothing good can come from that. I say keep him cloistered away in his sarcophagus…Mummra hates our freedom.
Well, this beats the RNC convention. They’re just going to use bullets.
What happened to the supposed “gay ray” that would render an entire division of Chinese soldiers into mincing nancy-boys? These weapons they have lately causing headaches, tinnitus, nausea, or explosive diarrhea happen just as cheaply to anyone watching HGTV or E!.
liquiddaddy: Nono, E! was specifically developed to induce weight gain and brain-rot. GEEEZ. Get yer facts straight!
You mean this South Park episode?
http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/103401/
liquiddaddy: They’ve been testing the “gay ray” on members of the Republican party. We call them hypocrites, but they’re actually heroes in the war on terror. Some Republican heroes have allowed DARPA to test their controversial “pedophile ray” on them as well. McCain offered himself up for the “Brown Note” testing, but was turned down for obvious reasons.
Don’t forget the Nude Bomb! http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0081249/
McCain refers to this “ray gun” as radishes.
Definitely no eating or drinking for 12 hours before I protest at in Denver!
And just in case, MY secret weapon:
http://www.theincontinencestore.com/members/999468/uploaded/Protect_UW_refast_bag.jpg
If those were yippie protesters they’d simply affix little baggies to their orifi and turn the effluent around.