Ted Strickland’s Cornhole Festival Rules Out Any Chance For Veep Selection

Yesterday, Ohio Gov. Ted Strickland, who many suggested would be a great white vice president for Barack Obama, ruled out any speculation of his chances by invoking the words of famous Civil War Criminal William Tecumseh Sherman: “If drafted, I will not run; nominated, I will not accept; and if elected, I will not serve. So, I don’t know how more crystal clear I can be.” Why is he lying so much? It’s now clear: he has another duty as Governor that need his full attention this summer, that are far more important than “auditioning” for veep: the first annual “Ted Strickland for Governor 2008 Cornhole Tournament Tour.” This sounds like fun. How does one get involved with Ted Strickland’s Cornhole?

For a full list of this summer’s eight Cornhole Tournament matches — all of which Gov. Strickland will attend! — you may check out the Ohio Democratic party’s site.

How does one sate a Cornhole craving? Here are the rules according to terrible Wikipedia:

Cornhole , Corn Toss, Bags, Bean Bag Toss, Soft Horseshoes, Indiana Horseshoes, Sacks and Holes, Sack-Hole, or Baggo is a game in which players take turns pitching small bags filled with corn (or sand or beans) at a raised platform with a hole in the far end. These platforms are usually plywood sometimes plastic and either all white or decorated with a team name or any other custom creation. A corn bag in the hole scores 3 points, while one on the platform scores 1 point. Play continues until a player reaches the score of 21. Regulation platforms measure 4 feet (1.2 m)×2 ft (0.6 m), while standard tailgating platforms can measure 3 feet (0.9 m)×2 ft (0.6 m), but can vary. The Cornhole platforms are set 33ft from hole to hole (the 6″ holes are centered 6″ in from the back) while the player can stand anywhere from no further than the back of the platform but not any closer than the front of the platform.

We like “Sacks and Holes” and “Sack-Hole” the best. They sound the most Bitter.

Here is a typical Corn-Fuck platform:

So basically Strickland cannot audition as Obama’s white vice president because he will be playing this “game,” eight times, which — as far as we can tell — involves sticking your dick through a cornhole while being waterboarded.

Strickland, otherwise engaged [Ben Smith]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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88 comments

  1. ronaldpagan

    Hahahahaha…sackhole! Every single person who’s the object of vice presidential speculation is coming out to be like, “No, fuck no.” Except Bill Richardson. The two sweetest words in the English language: default.

  2. shortsshortsshorts

    Why not just have no VP at all? After Cheney, I would be very happy with that outcome.

  3. SayItWithWookies

    You’re telling me that the state that mobilized against gay marriage in 2004 is rife with cornhole enthusiasts? Something doesn’t add up here.

  4. Gopherit v2.0

    How has the cornhole concession in Minneapolis? I assume Senator Craig will be coming back at the convention to defend his cornholing title?

  5. Gregory_of_Nazianzus

    This is only a test run for the 2009 Ted Strickland for Governor Pun-worthy Redneck Activities Tour.

  6. Gopherit v2.0

    And, in all seriousness, the first person to get the above logo on a t-shirt with “I’d Rather Be Cornholing” is going to make a fortune.
    Or not.

  7. ronaldpagan

    [re=13678]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Yeah…that cornhole is way bigger than a 10-year-old boy’s asshole.

  8. edgydrifter

    Seriously, one wonders who vetted a “cornholing” tournament, until one reads the other euphamisms given for this peculiar family of activities: “sacks and holes”, “sack-hole”, “ass ramming”, and I can’t even begin to imagine how obscene “Indiana horseshoes” must be. shudder.

  9. econdave

    We like “Sacks and Holes” and “Sack-Hole” the best. They sound the most Bitter.

    “Baggo” is pretty good too.

  10. edgydrifter

    On the other hand, that Aryan youth on the tournament logo does look very satisfied.

  11. Shypixel

    Just in case anyone was wondering: I have no intention of accepting a spot as John McCain’s running mate. If drafted, I will not run; nominated, I will not accept; and if elected, I will not serve.

    Nobody has been asking, but I just thought I should call a press conference to [s]piss all over McCain[/s] let you all know…

  12. Shypixel

    [re=13698]Shypixel[/re]: Ach! I fail at blog-code…. too much time spent with real programming languages no doubt…

  13. JohnnyMac

    Holy shit, I thought I lived in the dumbest part of midwestern dumbfuckistan, but Ohio must be even worse. Iowans have the common sense to call this game Bean Bags so you can tell your roommate you’re “going to get drunk and throw some bags in the yard” instead of saying “I’m going to drink a six-pack and cornhole the neighbor.”

  14. edgydrifter

    Come on down, folks! Join us at the county fairgrounds this weekend for Ted Strickland’s Olde Time Cuntree Hodown and Woodshed Buttsecks Jamboree! That’s right, folks–this weekend only. Bring the whole family, it’s fun for all! Whites only.

  15. ronaldpagan

    Strickland: “Vice presidency? ‘Tain’t for me. I don’t know how much more crystal meth I can be.”

  16. problemwithcaring

    I cannot think of one example in American history of anyone ever turning down that job offer.

    You think Stickland found out that Obama is a secret Muslim Manchurian Indonesian appeaser with a subprime mortage?

  17. edgydrifter

    Did anyone else notice that Ken Strickland’s tournament cornhole lapel-pin is a Cuban flag? Ted Strickland wants to toss his sack in a Cuban cornhole! This is worse than five terrorist fistings.

  18. metropolitan

    i thought it was florida’s gov charlie crist who was having cornhole festivals….

  19. TheKnightWhoSaysNee

    “famous Civil War Criminal William Tecumseh Sherman”

    Amen! This should be the general’s standard epithet.

  20. Iggy Plop

    I think that stylized arrow on the platform pointing your way to the glory hole is a helpful touch.

    I mean, WTF!!!!!!! Is the point of these games here to see how drenched in buttsex double entendre you can get and still have some level of plausible denial?!

  21. Canmon (the Inadequate)

    “Cornhole enthusiasts can sign up to play in the singles bracket or team up in the doubles bracket.”

  22. Godless Liberal *

    The mention of cornholing makes my brain want to see Ted Haggard instead of Ted Strickland.

  23. StupidGeek

    I have a confession to make: I have played cornhole before. It is extremely fun. If I lived in Ohio, I would go to this tournament and definitely vote for this guy.

  24. Shypixel

    HEY! Didn’t anyone here me? I WILL NOT SERVE as Obama’s VP! This is big news! WHY IS IT NOT ON CNN YET?

    Jeez, I just try to make a public statement that passive-aggressively points out my dislike of my parties candidate, and I don’t get my own press corp. Fuck You!

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    Government wants McCain to kill babies http://www.mccainbabies.com. See the tell all interview with POW guy about McCain fist fucking giraffes http://www.infowhores.com. The government has been hiding all this from you for years. Lets open our eyes! Give the Paultards a chance. This is some deep shit and they dont want you to know. Area 51 was actually a huge frisbee but they fed it to us differently. My mother loves me and George Bush thinks that he should buy a new hat, but they ARE HIDING IT http://www.georgebushhat.com. I spilled coffee on my shorts this morning http://www.spilledcoffeeonshorts.com there is so much more and yet all of you just sit here like sheep and do not know what you are talking about while i am raging all over the internet http://www.google.com trying to find the truth for you and this is not spam but the truth so please people listen because it could be you next that they are killing and 9/11 was done by the Mormons and Dick Cheney is actually a good guy if you meet him and all of a sudden my heart is racing and I am going to die please call for help I am SUCH A FUCKING PAULTARD ASSHOLE.

    see the movie at http://www.feingold.net ferraro doesnt like blacks http://www.kkk.net and A MILLION OTHER USELESS THINGS THAT NOBODY CARES ABOUT ARE GOING TO BE SHAT ALL OVER WONKETTE BY A SPAM-BOT…. AAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!!1!
    rEVOLution!!!!!!!!!1!

  26. Shypixel

    [re=13740]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: /shakefist only the google link was real…. I will poop in your pillowcase.

  27. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=13731]edgydrifter[/re]: You’ll have to Putin a lot of practice.

    …yeah, that was the best I could cum up with. :-\

  28. Shypixel

    [re=13741]StupidGeek[/re]: Those look a little like the stools at this one bar I went to in Seattle. Didn’t hang out too long, can you believe there wasn’t one chick in the whole place?

  29. ohiolobbyist

    I know everyone’s been waiting for me to weigh in on this.

    I can tell you that I’ve already signed up for the Columbus regional qualifier, and plan to thoroughly dominate Ted Strickland’s cornhole. Tournament. (Natch)

    I will report back on the outcome.

  30. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=13747]Shypixel[/re]: Ya but the kkk one has a link for “Jewish dating”… give me some credit for that one.

  31. pattycake

    My mom makes the best cornholes.

    I can still see her now, bending over that hot stove, as we’d come back from Old Anus McPhister’s farm with a hole-sack full of fresh dingleberries, and be served up with a piping hot plate of fresh cornholes, covered in her famous Brown Sauce.

    Mmm, cornholes.

  32. Shypixel

    [re=13754]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: ok, you got a point, this time I’ll only pee on your toothbrush… as a warning. I’m off to check your link. Gonna get me a hot JAP to terrorist fist jab at the Hilltard/Strickland Cornhole Revolution this August in Denver.

  33. TheKnightWhoSaysNee

    Ha ha! “Civil War Criminal William Tecumseh Sherman”

    This should be the general’s standard epithet. Sherman admitted after the war that what he had been taught at West Point would indicate that he “could be hanged” for the things he did in the war.

  34. wallythepug

    As an Ohioan, I sheepishly admit to having a cornhole game stowed away in my garage. It is more fun than it sounds, esp. after a few beers. It’s safer than Jarts, which I remember playing as a child. It’s amazing no one’s eye was stabbed with a Jart, as far as I know.

  35. Servo

    [re=13777]wallythepug[/re]: Jarts…another fun game taken away because of stupid fucks.

  36. iwillsavethispatient

    [re=13777]wallythepug[/re]: Aah.. so it’s like Beer Pong!

    The “Ted Strickland for Governor 2008 Beer Pong Tournament Tour” doesn’t sound very Gubernatorial, though, does it? Unless he really really needs the frat boy vote.

  37. tsunami

    [re=13777]wallythepug[/re]: As an Ohioan, I sheepishly admit
    to having a cornhole game stowed away in my garage.

    Sheepisly? Hmmmmmmmmm.

  38. Shypixel

    [re=13787]Servo[/re]: I know, huh? One Junior Bitter with a 12 inch dart sticking out of his skull and there goes another childhood joy. It was probably the same idiot that blew off his dangle with a firecracker and ruined the fourth too.

  39. tsunami

    [re=13792]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Don’t be baaaaaad to wally, now.

    fuk him. when i was a kid, only the geeks played cornhole
    with their pets. fukkers even wanted extra points for chickens,
    dogs over 35 pounds, and cats that weren’t declawed.

    don’t get me started.

  40. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=13777]wallythepug[/re]: Screw everybody talkin’ shit about “sheepishly.” “Jart” more than makes up for it.

  41. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=13802]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Jarts: Combining “Darwinnowing” of the Short Bus crowd with a fun game for the whole family since the mid-80s!

  42. William Tecumseh Sherman

    [re=13767]TheKnightWhoSaysNee[/re]: Hey, I resent being called a “famous civil war criminal.” Without me, the South would have been able to secede and be it’s own country. Us Northerner’s (well, Northern California) would have no country music, NASCAR, the Bible Belt, Waffle House, and Texas. What would we be without all that?

  43. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=13809]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Or pretty much a majority of the American public. Yes, Jart.

  44. SocialList

    This is why I stay south of the Iowa-Missouri border.We might be overrun with Republican pedophiles here but,by God,we don’t go around corn-holing in public!

  45. populucious

    Governors can run around corn-holing for money but they won’t teach our kids safe sex in school. WTF?

    Seriously, who is coming up with these VP candidate lists? I’m expecting Rob Schneider to announce any moment now his vehement denial of being considered for the position. Duece Bigalow is flattered, but Duece Bigalow cannot serve.

  46. Bandito

    Good for Gov. Strickland. I once turned down a job for a summer of cornholing. I’ll never forget it. Neither will a waitress at Applebee’s, the Gamma Phi pledge class, and my dog Buster.

  47. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    I would have thought the governor would like to have introduced cornholing to that giant cornhole called the Beltway.

  48. cornhole

    Hi I am the owner of cornhole.com and I hope this helps spread the game. We are a sponsor of the tournaments and it should be a good time playing cornhole with the Governor! You can see cornhole boards and cornhole bags if you go to cornhole.com! Sorry for the plug but it is an addicting game!

  49. William Tecumseh Sherman

    [re=13820]iwillsavethispatient[/re]: Exactly, we’d be a bunch of Surrender Monkeys. Who would want to eat brie and bagguettes all day while drinking wine at some cafe while listening to Edith Piaf and discussing existentialism? Who would want a guaranteed job and a month long vacation and free health care? And who would want to live in a country where the first lady is super hot and has topless pictures of herself all over the internet?

  50. Mr Blifil

    I’m learning a lot about America’s backward lore and habits by checking in with the fucking miscreants who reside here. I’m sure the native Americans never once considered penetrating each other’s orifices with corn cobs. That’s some good old fashioned Old World influence at play right there.

  51. evolutionista

    ram it, ram it, ram it, ram it up your poop chute!

    doesn’t anyone else think of zappa when they hear the word cornhole?

    don’t fool yourself girl–it’s going right up your poop chute. i love that song.

  52. donner_froh

    [re=13849]William Tecumseh Sherman[/re]:

    Sounds delightful. Will need to get all the Jews on the trains going east and finsih wiring up the scrotums of recalitrant Algerians to car batteries before we can relax with an aperitif.

  53. Noisette

    I can comment on Wonkette?? Huzzah! Hello, everyone!
    Re: relevance to this post, Ohioans will not be surprised by this corn-themed event. An Ohioan born and raised, I know that my people enjoy sticking corn into whatever hole is available (usually their mouths, but hey, if the shoe fits…)

  54. TJBeck

    [re=13715]edgydrifter[/re]: Well, not a Cuban flag – it’s actually a Puerto Rican flag. Cubas has blue stripes and a red triangle. In any case, it’s not an Ohio flag, which is more of a pennant, but also has little white stars in the blue area.

    http://images.google.com/images?q=puerto+rico+flag

    We now know why Strickland supported Hillary – clearly it’s because of his love for Puerto Rican cornhole.

  55. edgydrifter

    [re=13952]TJBeck[/re]: Needless details! Exactly what a crypto-islamofascist would focus on to draw our attention from the vital issue of Communist cornholing!

  56. hazmaq

    Why aren’t these dimwitted cable newstarts focused on this story?

    They’re too busy bitching and gossiping over where Obamas’ bump went.

    Duuuuhhh!

  57. hazmaq

    TJBeck says: We now know why Strickland supported Hillary– and Iowans obviously like big sloppy cornholes.

    Stricklands on the tvscreen right now – plump and white. Be like fucking a cherub. EWWWW!

Comments are closed.