GEORGE W. BUSH  4:56 pm June 9, 2008

An Extended Mockery Of John McCain’s Gift Shop

by Jim Newell

What’s everyone doing today? Giving speeches. About the economy. To humans. Also, gas prices are high! And everyone in New York City has herpes, ha ha. You all have herpes and the flu too. Let’s make fun of John McCain’s gift shop some more.

The image up top shows the Best Button we could find in WALNUTS!’ gift shop. Jesus, look at those WALNUTS! and the kindly conservative eagle perched on his shoulder. Will John McCain ever make Mount Rushmore? There may not be enough “rock” in the mountain to fill out those cheeks. Otherwise, yes.

Here is the “McCain Blocks Onesie,” for small children and baby velociraptors. It has a little three-buttoned flap, for shitting.

Do you have children that you hate? Of course you do. John McCain literally has seven. Well now you can now adopt John McCain and hate him too.

Has John McCain ever divorced you? Here’s the perfect bumper sticker to make sure he sends that alimony check instead of divorcing you again.

Or you can somehow customize your own “lapel sticker,” such as this one that George W. Bush designed. Actually you can’t customize anything, is the phunny part.

[McCain Store]


Hola wonkerados.

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KTHXBAI June 9, 2008 at 5:01 pm

If I woke up Sunday morning to find my father’s day present from my children was that bumper sticker, they’d come home from soccer practice on Monday afternoon with all their shit in a box by the door.

Botswana Meat Commission FC June 9, 2008 at 5:02 pm

McCain has the skin complexion of a geological formation.

UnindictedCo-conspirator June 9, 2008 at 5:02 pm

Wow, that first button might be the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It would actually be improved by the eagle shitting.

TinyTheToga June 9, 2008 at 5:02 pm

No McCain branded thong, touting Experience. How disappointing.

tunamelt June 9, 2008 at 5:03 pm

The button art is amazing, but I don’t understand why the eagle is going to attack his nipple.

Godless Liberal * June 9, 2008 at 5:04 pm

What, no love for John McCain: The Movie? From a short story by John McCain (and ghostwriter), screenplay by John McCain (‘s left cheek), starring John McCain (not really, but would that not be the bee’s knees?), in a movie about what made John McCain into the John McCain he is today. John McCain!

ForTheTurnstiles June 9, 2008 at 5:05 pm

“Let the ea-gle soar…”

McCain is looking more and more like Ashcroft these days.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 9, 2008 at 5:05 pm

Be honest, the onsie is for small Republican Congressmen.

And does Stephen Colbert know that McCain stole his eagle?

Gopherit v2.0 June 9, 2008 at 5:06 pm

Sure, they have the McCain onesie, but where are the McCain diapers?

RaptorAvatar June 9, 2008 at 5:06 pm

I thought the first one implied that he was going to climb mount Rushmore. Either thar or bomb it like an infirmary full of Agent Orange stricken Gooklets. (P.S. Gooklets what they call baby Gooks.)

Rolo-tony-brown-town June 9, 2008 at 5:06 pm

it should be a pelican and not an eagle

ManchuCandidate June 9, 2008 at 5:06 pm


If you can make your own stickers then I want the following:

Cunts for McCain
Trollops for McCain
Ron Mexico for McCain
Potatoes for McCain
Future Disabled Veterans for McCain

NotUrEvryDayWEzl June 9, 2008 at 5:07 pm

Baby velociraptors should be informed that the John McCain didn’t give a damn about the environment 65 million years ago, and he doesn’t today. Asteroid disasters are good for business and looting!

Godless Liberal * June 9, 2008 at 5:07 pm

[re=11363]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: On McCain’s incontinent ass.

RaptorAvatar June 9, 2008 at 5:08 pm

[re=11362]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Baby play is the only way that the striaght ones can come anymore.

Gopherit v2.0 June 9, 2008 at 5:08 pm

[re=11354]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Shit, did they use Photoshop to emphasize his cheek pouches?

Fear the pouches! Tremble in shadow of their terrible majesty!

HerExcellency June 9, 2008 at 5:08 pm

To show my disapproval when my friends get pregnant I have made it a point to buy them really obnoxious baby clothing. That McCain baby jumper things is so my new favorite.

Big Al1317 June 9, 2008 at 5:09 pm

McCain gift shoP? This is so wrong.

Gopherit v2.0 June 9, 2008 at 5:09 pm

[re=11366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: You forgot:

Anita Walker for John McCain.

InsidiousTuna June 9, 2008 at 5:10 pm

[re=11356]TinyTheToga[/re]: I’d buy hundreds of those and pass them out, campaigning for the bastard.

PioBaroja June 9, 2008 at 5:10 pm

Apparently women are now a “coalition”, putting them in the same boat as, “Sportsmen”, and “Future Leaders”. I believe the latter is, incidentally, a polite way of saying, “Douchebag.” I would, however, give the man a hundred dollars for a hat that read, “Douchebags for McCain”.

Also shirts are available in white, dun, kiwi, and hot pink. I’m sure that the “Future Leaders for McCain” will make the kiwi version, paired with a $200 McCain fleece, THE must have look at Smith Point this year, come fall.

Big Al1317 June 9, 2008 at 5:10 pm

[re=11366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Who will be first to Photoshop your suggestions? Actually, I’d be proud to wear any of those.

Godless Liberal * June 9, 2008 at 5:11 pm

[re=11366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: NVA for McCain?

Gopherit v2.0 June 9, 2008 at 5:12 pm

And of course, lest we forget, the” John McCain sings ABBA!” album.

Lionel Hutz Esq. June 9, 2008 at 5:12 pm

[re=11363]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: David Vitter has the exclusive Huggies rights in the Senate.

[re=11370]RaptorAvatar[/re]: Speaking of which, if they really want to go after the core Republican voters, where are the McCain Ball Gags? Now that is experience I can beleive in.

Darehead June 9, 2008 at 5:14 pm

Dee Pends for John McCain.

NoWireHangers June 9, 2008 at 5:14 pm

Who do we have to kill to get a “Walnut lovers for McCain” button?

KTHXBAI June 9, 2008 at 5:16 pm

\[re=11381]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: They’re stockpiling them for the convention, in a maintenance closet at the Minneapolis Airport where they will be put to good use.

InsidiousTuna June 9, 2008 at 5:16 pm

[re=11377]PioBaroja[/re]: That’s not exclusive to Smith Point. Anyone ever heard anything about Baylor?

Nick June 9, 2008 at 5:16 pm

McCain is my ‘homeboy’? oh, boy
There’s a site selling McCain dog shirts. Dogs like walnuts.

Airborne Toxic Event June 9, 2008 at 5:19 pm

Bears for McCain?

shortsshortsshorts June 9, 2008 at 5:20 pm

His stickers have VASTLY improved from his Presidential bid against Grant.

AxmxZ June 9, 2008 at 5:20 pm

AxmxZ June 9, 2008 at 5:21 pm
KTHXBAI June 9, 2008 at 5:21 pm

McCain looks constipated in button with the eagle, likes he’s trying to force out one of those turds that is wider than it is long.

policonoclast June 9, 2008 at 5:21 pm

McCain’s button photo: old man holding his gas in? Or old man pushing his gas out?

InsidiousTuna June 9, 2008 at 5:22 pm
vicuna June 9, 2008 at 5:24 pm
CrunchyKnee June 9, 2008 at 5:27 pm

What about “Bitters for McCain?”

The Dudemeister June 9, 2008 at 5:32 pm

I would say “Hillary supporters for McCain!”

But another commenter already put “Cunts for McCain” so I figured they’d be interchangable.

What about “Niggas Fo McCain”? has that been done already?

Eamon1916 June 9, 2008 at 5:37 pm

Am I the only one who sees that first button and is immediately reminded
of SNL’s Macgruber?

Spence June 9, 2008 at 5:41 pm

Caw! Caw!!!!!!

Cape Clod June 9, 2008 at 5:41 pm

[re=11362]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: That thing doesn’t look big enough to be an eagle. I think the button means that McCain is associating himself with the Bald Tufted Titmouse.

lumpenprole June 9, 2008 at 5:42 pm

That button looks like he’s in the middle of some excruciating dental work.

UnindictedCo-conspirator June 9, 2008 at 5:44 pm

[re=11405]Eamon1916[/re]: That’s it! Thank you.

Canuckledragger June 9, 2008 at 5:45 pm

This is all just WalMart crap brought in from China. I want something authentically McCain.

If Vicki Iseman’s body parts have been discovered, and if they’ve been set in formalin and then encased in a clear laminate, I’d really like some Vicki nipple earrings for my wife. Just to remind her of what happens to those who displease powerful men like me.

edgydrifter June 9, 2008 at 5:49 pm

[re=11410]lumpenprole[/re]: Or enduring some polyp excavation.

shortsshortsshorts June 9, 2008 at 5:50 pm

“War Crime Traitors for McWalnuts!”

“Enemy appeasers for filthy old men!”


Paultardville June 9, 2008 at 5:52 pm

How the hell is the onesie only for babies. Old bitters wearing diapers is his whole voter base!

dxh June 9, 2008 at 5:56 pm

Replace the eagle with a pterodactyl(sp) and put volcanoes in the place of Mt. Rushmore and we have ourselves a truly conservative button.

Anita Cocktail June 9, 2008 at 6:06 pm

[re=11366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: don’t forget Truck Nuts for McCain, Spurned First Wives for McCain, Beer Heiresses for McCain, Tarbabies for McCain, Ugly Love Children of Janet Reno for McCain. . . oh, the fun never ends!

metropolitan June 9, 2008 at 6:21 pm

do they have adult sized mccan onesies for the david vitter in all of us?

Quacker June 9, 2008 at 6:25 pm

I can’t believe the Wonkette thought the onesie flap was for shitting. God! No…. It’s for fukking!

AnnieGetYourFun June 9, 2008 at 6:26 pm

[re=11432]Anita Cocktail[/re]: Then there’s the old standbys.
Ben Dover for McCain
Ima Nut for McCain
Mike Hunt for McCain

Johnny_Zhivago June 9, 2008 at 6:29 pm

Bad sign – does this “McCain ICE SCRAPER” mean they know this election is going to run past November into January and February?

Johnny_Zhivago June 9, 2008 at 6:30 pm

[re=11439]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Don’t forget Ben Dover’s wife Eileen!

Gopherit v2.0 June 9, 2008 at 6:36 pm

[re=11442]Johnny_Zhivago[/re]: No, those are for after John kicks global warming’s ass Pleistocene style!

V572625694 June 9, 2008 at 6:37 pm

[re=11394]AxmxZ[/re]: +1!

vicuna June 9, 2008 at 6:39 pm

[re=11443]Johnny_Zhivago[/re]: My favorite has always been Misaj Mirad. Followed closely by Hugh Jorgan.

problemwithcaring June 9, 2008 at 6:50 pm

[re=11369]Godless Liberal *[/re]: BWAHAHAH! You tot caught me off-guard with that one.

NotUrEvryDayWEzl June 9, 2008 at 6:51 pm

This all strikes me as a poor analogue to a PBS fundraising scheme, especially the tote bag.

GlennBecksTaint June 9, 2008 at 6:53 pm

Alcoholic Closet Homosexual Converted Mormon For McCain!

RaptorAvatar June 9, 2008 at 6:55 pm

Limping, Easily-Appeased Ogres From Previous Marriages For McCain.

Christastic June 9, 2008 at 7:06 pm

You can also buy a copy of the McCain made-for-TV movie…For $50!!! I’d buy it but I doubt the deleted scenes would include McCain returning home to divorce his wife.

Slutty_Chola_Cobbler June 9, 2008 at 7:16 pm

WTF is going on with Walnuts’ cheeks and neck?

Smoke Filled Roommate June 9, 2008 at 7:27 pm

[re=11483]Slutty_Chola_Cobbler[/re]: It looks like he has a tiny little nutsack in his left cheek. Wow, Walnuts! packs all kinds of nuts these days; he’s truly earned his moniker…

Smoke Filled Roommate June 9, 2008 at 7:30 pm

[re=11443]Johnny_Zhivago[/re]: And their baby, Andy Fell Dover.

Darehead June 9, 2008 at 7:34 pm

First button:
John McCain: Spread Eagle and Stoned

Johnny_Zhivago June 9, 2008 at 8:07 pm

[re=11457]vicuna[/re]: Best of them all:

WonkaBee June 9, 2008 at 8:12 pm

Abandoned Cripples for McCain

shortsshortsshorts June 9, 2008 at 8:14 pm

Alzheimer’s for McCain.

tsunami June 9, 2008 at 8:19 pm

my friends, you are making sport of a genuine american
hero who dropped bombs on asian pissants.

how dare you? have you no shame…to make fun of a war
hero simply because of his pasty, reflective complexion?…
hid sbsnfonmrn og snarkle.futz.recomine deforest? my frieds?

NebraskashireGentry June 9, 2008 at 8:33 pm

I have a sneaking suspicion that Stephen Colbert, and his graphics team, had a hand in the design of that button.

supremecourtjester June 9, 2008 at 8:38 pm

“John McCain–Older than Mount Rushmore!” What a campaign slogan!

norbizness June 9, 2008 at 8:59 pm

The Rushmore thing is appropriate for yet another Grandpa Simpson tie-in: “Thank you for this nomination. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.”

josereyes.theroof June 9, 2008 at 9:12 pm

Manchurians for Mc Cain.

Big Liver June 9, 2008 at 10:00 pm

He looks nothing but grumpy but also out of ideas.

DoctorCulturae June 9, 2008 at 10:11 pm

It’s good to know JM can go weeks without eating given the amount of food he is able to carry in those manly jowls. Walnuts? Looks like a corndog to me.

choinski June 9, 2008 at 10:47 pm

Arrgh Mateys! I’m a Pirate!

schvitzatura June 9, 2008 at 11:53 pm

Bitter Retrograde Appalachian Whites for McCain:

Former Hanoi Hilton Prison Guards and Filipino Comfort Women for McCain (28.6% discount!):

TGY June 10, 2008 at 1:51 am

Mount Rushmore votes for WALNUTS! cause he knows the most about the monument!

Obvs, he’s the frontrunner since he has eagle poop on his shoulder.

villageatrois June 10, 2008 at 1:56 am

All the $5 whores in Subic Bay luvs Jamacane! They’d be lubbin the Hillary for $5 too! They’d be lubbin the Bama for $2.50, cuz he’s young ’nuff for the bell to ding twice ‘for the meter runs out. They be lubbin’ the Bill Clinton for one-dollah-fifteh, cuz he be denyin’ they done loved him at all. Jess he wanna pay the cleanin’ bill an’ be white about it.

Securicom June 10, 2008 at 9:14 am

The Vietnamese captors called him ‘Songbird McCain’ — he volunteered so much info!

Biderberg Group info at

USA’s Constitution and currency are being destroyed from within. How? Videos free on 1) America: Freedom to Fascism, 2 hrs; 2)911 Justice, 18min; 3) The Clinton Chronicles, 1.7 hrs; 4) Endgame: Blueprint for Global Enslavement, 2 hrs, 5) Terrorstorm: A History of False Flag Terror, 2 hrs 6) 911 Mysteries, 2 hrs; 7)The Creature from Jekyll Island, 1hr; 8)Orwell Rolls in His Grave, 2hrs; 9) The War on Democracy, 1.5 hrs; 10) The Energy Non-Crisis, 1 hr; 11)Iraq for Sale 1.2 hr; 12) Zeitgeist, 2 hrs; 13)Ring of Power, 2.5 hrs; 14)Bush link to JFK, 1.5 hrs; 15) The Century of the Self, 4 hrs; 16) Loose Change (2nd ed & Final cut) 2hrs each; 17)John Pilger: The New Rulers of the World; 18) The Money Masters: How International Bankers Gained Control of America, 3.5 hrs
Videos free on 19) Barack Obama CFR info 20) Global Warming or Global Governance 21) The Great Global Warming Swindle 22) Mercury, Autism and The Global Vaccine Agenda 23) The CIA, Mind Control and Satanism 24)George Hunt: UN UNCED Earth Summit 1992 (Population Reduction) 25) End of NAtions – EU Takeover 26) Washington, You’re Fired 27) Blackwater: America’s Private Army 28) Esoteric Agenda 29) Fiat Empire: Why the Federal Reserve Violates the U.S. COnstitution 30) The Revolution Will not be Televised [USA overthrow of Hugo Chavez] 31) One Nation Under Siege 32)Breaking The Silence – Truth and Lies in the War on Terror, by John Pilger(and all his documentaries) 33)Beyond Treason 1.5hrs

Showbiz Kazy June 10, 2008 at 11:35 am

What the fuck!?!?! I went over there cock-sure that there would be McCain themed Truck Nutz for sale. But nooooo, Walnutz decided to take the faux-testicle fetishist vote for granted. He’s gonna need to rectify this situation if he doesn’t want to come in third behind Bob Barr.

jimh June 10, 2008 at 1:07 pm
starstream June 12, 2008 at 4:19 pm

as a wannabe cyberslumlord, I find this gossip a terribly funny spin that
makes Politics bearable!

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