An Extended Mockery Of John McCain’s Gift Shop

 

What’s everyone doing today? Giving speeches. About the economy. To humans. Also, gas prices are high! And everyone in New York City has herpes, ha ha. You all have herpes and the flu too. Let’s make fun of John McCain’s gift shop some more.

The image up top shows the Best Button we could find in WALNUTS!’ gift shop. Jesus, look at those WALNUTS! and the kindly conservative eagle perched on his shoulder. Will John McCain ever make Mount Rushmore? There may not be enough “rock” in the mountain to fill out those cheeks. Otherwise, yes.

Here is the “McCain Blocks Onesie,” for small children and baby velociraptors. It has a little three-buttoned flap, for shitting.

Do you have children that you hate? Of course you do. John McCain literally has seven. Well now you can now adopt John McCain and hate him too.

Has John McCain ever divorced you? Here’s the perfect bumper sticker to make sure he sends that alimony check instead of divorcing you again.

Or you can somehow customize your own “lapel sticker,” such as this one that George W. Bush designed. Actually you can’t customize anything, is the phunny part.

[McCain Store]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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86 comments

  1. KTHXBAI

    If I woke up Sunday morning to find my father’s day present from my children was that bumper sticker, they’d come home from soccer practice on Monday afternoon with all their shit in a box by the door.

  2. UnindictedCo-conspirator

    Wow, that first button might be the ugliest thing I’ve ever seen. It would actually be improved by the eagle shitting.

  3. tunamelt

    The button art is amazing, but I don’t understand why the eagle is going to attack his nipple.

  4. ForTheTurnstiles

    “Let the ea-gle soar…”

    McCain is looking more and more like Ashcroft these days.

  5. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Be honest, the onsie is for small Republican Congressmen.

    And does Stephen Colbert know that McCain stole his eagle?

  6. RaptorAvatar

    I thought the first one implied that he was going to climb mount Rushmore. Either thar or bomb it like an infirmary full of Agent Orange stricken Gooklets. (P.S. Gooklets what they call baby Gooks.)

  7. ManchuCandidate

    [re=11355]UnindictedCo-conspirator[/re]:
    Agreed.

    If you can make your own stickers then I want the following:

    Cunts for McCain
    Trollops for McCain
    Ron Mexico for McCain
    Potatoes for McCain
    Future Disabled Veterans for McCain

  8. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    Baby velociraptors should be informed that the John McCain didn’t give a damn about the environment 65 million years ago, and he doesn’t today. Asteroid disasters are good for business and looting!

  9. RaptorAvatar

    [re=11362]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Baby play is the only way that the striaght ones can come anymore.

  10. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=11354]Botswana Meat Commission FC[/re]: Shit, did they use Photoshop to emphasize his cheek pouches?

    Fear the pouches! Tremble in shadow of their terrible majesty!

  11. HerExcellency

    To show my disapproval when my friends get pregnant I have made it a point to buy them really obnoxious baby clothing. That McCain baby jumper things is so my new favorite.

  12. InsidiousTuna

    [re=11356]TinyTheToga[/re]: I’d buy hundreds of those and pass them out, campaigning for the bastard.

  13. PioBaroja

    Apparently women are now a “coalition”, putting them in the same boat as, “Sportsmen”, and “Future Leaders”. I believe the latter is, incidentally, a polite way of saying, “Douchebag.” I would, however, give the man a hundred dollars for a hat that read, “Douchebags for McCain”.

    Also shirts are available in white, dun, kiwi, and hot pink. I’m sure that the “Future Leaders for McCain” will make the kiwi version, paired with a $200 McCain fleece, THE must have look at Smith Point this year, come fall.

  14. Big Al1317

    [re=11366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Who will be first to Photoshop your suggestions? Actually, I’d be proud to wear any of those.

  15. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    [re=11363]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: David Vitter has the exclusive Huggies rights in the Senate.

    [re=11370]RaptorAvatar[/re]: Speaking of which, if they really want to go after the core Republican voters, where are the McCain Ball Gags? Now that is experience I can beleive in.

  16. KTHXBAI

    \[re=11381]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: They’re stockpiling them for the convention, in a maintenance closet at the Minneapolis Airport where they will be put to good use.

  17. InsidiousTuna

    [re=11377]PioBaroja[/re]: That’s not exclusive to Smith Point. Anyone ever heard anything about Baylor?

  18. shortsshortsshorts

    His stickers have VASTLY improved from his Presidential bid against Grant.

  19. KTHXBAI

    McCain looks constipated in button with the eagle, likes he’s trying to force out one of those turds that is wider than it is long.

  20. policonoclast

    McCain’s button photo: old man holding his gas in? Or old man pushing his gas out?

  21. The Dudemeister

    I would say “Hillary supporters for McCain!”

    But another commenter already put “Cunts for McCain” so I figured they’d be interchangable.

    What about “Niggas Fo McCain”? has that been done already?

  22. Cape Clod

    [re=11362]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: That thing doesn’t look big enough to be an eagle. I think the button means that McCain is associating himself with the Bald Tufted Titmouse.

  23. Canuckledragger

    This is all just WalMart crap brought in from China. I want something authentically McCain.

    If Vicki Iseman’s body parts have been discovered, and if they’ve been set in formalin and then encased in a clear laminate, I’d really like some Vicki nipple earrings for my wife. Just to remind her of what happens to those who displease powerful men like me.

  24. Paultardville

    How the hell is the onesie only for babies. Old bitters wearing diapers is his whole voter base!

  25. dxh

    Replace the eagle with a pterodactyl(sp) and put volcanoes in the place of Mt. Rushmore and we have ourselves a truly conservative button.

  26. Anita Cocktail

    [re=11366]ManchuCandidate[/re]: don’t forget Truck Nuts for McCain, Spurned First Wives for McCain, Beer Heiresses for McCain, Tarbabies for McCain, Ugly Love Children of Janet Reno for McCain. . . oh, the fun never ends!

  27. Quacker

    I can’t believe the Wonkette thought the onesie flap was for shitting. God! No…. It’s for fukking!

  28. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=11432]Anita Cocktail[/re]: Then there’s the old standbys.
    Ben Dover for McCain
    Ima Nut for McCain
    Mike Hunt for McCain

  29. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=11442]Johnny_Zhivago[/re]: No, those are for after John kicks global warming’s ass Pleistocene style!

  30. vicuna

    [re=11443]Johnny_Zhivago[/re]: My favorite has always been Misaj Mirad. Followed closely by Hugh Jorgan.

  31. problemwithcaring

    [re=11369]Godless Liberal *[/re]: BWAHAHAH! You tot caught me off-guard with that one.

  32. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    This all strikes me as a poor analogue to a PBS fundraising scheme, especially the tote bag.

  33. Christastic

    You can also buy a copy of the McCain made-for-TV movie…For $50!!! I’d buy it but I doubt the deleted scenes would include McCain returning home to divorce his wife.

  34. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=11483]Slutty_Chola_Cobbler[/re]: It looks like he has a tiny little nutsack in his left cheek. Wow, Walnuts! packs all kinds of nuts these days; he’s truly earned his moniker…

  35. tsunami

    my friends, you are making sport of a genuine american
    hero who dropped bombs on asian pissants.

    how dare you? have you no shame…to make fun of a war
    hero simply because of his pasty, reflective complexion?…
    hid sbsnfonmrn og snarkle.futz.recomine deforest? my frieds?
    bliggle!

  36. NebraskashireGentry

    I have a sneaking suspicion that Stephen Colbert, and his graphics team, had a hand in the design of that button.

  37. norbizness

    The Rushmore thing is appropriate for yet another Grandpa Simpson tie-in: “Thank you for this nomination. It is a tribute to this great country that a man who once took a shot at Teddy Roosevelt could win back your trust.”

  38. DoctorCulturae

    It’s good to know JM can go weeks without eating given the amount of food he is able to carry in those manly jowls. Walnuts? Looks like a corndog to me.

  39. TGY

    Mount Rushmore votes for WALNUTS! cause he knows the most about the monument!

    Obvs, he’s the frontrunner since he has eagle poop on his shoulder.

  40. villageatrois

    All the $5 whores in Subic Bay luvs Jamacane! They’d be lubbin the Hillary for $5 too! They’d be lubbin the Bama for $2.50, cuz he’s young ’nuff for the bell to ding twice ‘for the meter runs out. They be lubbin’ the Bill Clinton for one-dollah-fifteh, cuz he be denyin’ they done loved him at all. Jess he wanna pay the cleanin’ bill an’ be white about it.

  41. Securicom

    The Vietnamese captors called him ‘Songbird McCain’ — he volunteered so much info!

    Biderberg Group info at infowars.com

    USA’s Constitution and currency are being destroyed from within. How? Videos free on http://www.video.google.com 1) America: Freedom to Fascism, 2 hrs; 2)911 Justice, 18min; 3) The Clinton Chronicles, 1.7 hrs; 4) Endgame: Blueprint for Global Enslavement, 2 hrs, 5) Terrorstorm: A History of False Flag Terror, 2 hrs 6) 911 Mysteries, 2 hrs; 7)The Creature from Jekyll Island, 1hr; 8)Orwell Rolls in His Grave, 2hrs; 9) The War on Democracy, 1.5 hrs; 10) The Energy Non-Crisis, 1 hr; 11)Iraq for Sale 1.2 hr; 12) Zeitgeist, 2 hrs; 13)Ring of Power, 2.5 hrs; 14)Bush link to JFK, 1.5 hrs; 15) The Century of the Self, 4 hrs; 16) Loose Change (2nd ed & Final cut) 2hrs each; 17)John Pilger: The New Rulers of the World; 18) The Money Masters: How International Bankers Gained Control of America, 3.5 hrs
    Videos free on http://www.video.google.com 19) Barack Obama CFR info 20) Global Warming or Global Governance 21) The Great Global Warming Swindle 22) Mercury, Autism and The Global Vaccine Agenda 23) The CIA, Mind Control and Satanism 24)George Hunt: UN UNCED Earth Summit 1992 (Population Reduction) 25) End of NAtions – EU Takeover 26) Washington, You’re Fired 27) Blackwater: America’s Private Army 28) Esoteric Agenda 29) Fiat Empire: Why the Federal Reserve Violates the U.S. COnstitution 30) The Revolution Will not be Televised [USA overthrow of Hugo Chavez] 31) One Nation Under Siege 32)Breaking The Silence – Truth and Lies in the War on Terror, by John Pilger(and all his documentaries) 33)Beyond Treason 1.5hrs

    http://www.911truth.org/article.php?story=20041221155307646

  42. Showbiz Kazy

    What the fuck!?!?! I went over there cock-sure that there would be McCain themed Truck Nutz for sale. But nooooo, Walnutz decided to take the faux-testicle fetishist vote for granted. He’s gonna need to rectify this situation if he doesn’t want to come in third behind Bob Barr.

  43. starstream

    as a wannabe cyberslumlord, I find this gossip a terribly funny spin that
    makes Politics bearable!

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