Wonkette
Welcome to Wonkette’s Hillary Clinton Graduation Pool Party! We have many “hot dogs” for you to eat, and Miller High Life for the adults. But oh, where is the graduate herself, Hillary Clinton? According to the teevee, she is “at least 10 minutes late.” And she’s supposed to deliver the commencement address, just like she did at Wellesley in 1969, a speech bursting with such Boomer idealism and brilliance that it made her national headlines. And then she married Bill Clinton, a shit. Let’s liveblog Hillary’s second commencement address, in which she will endorse Barack Obama, and start her Second Life.
12:09 — Now she is at least 30 minutes late. MSNBC has a camera on her car, in the driveway of some rich neighborhood. It’s funny! Keith Olbermann is very upset about the lateness, because he didn’t prepare enough snide comments to last another half-hour. Maybe he should use the time to apologize for going overboard and making ladies support John McCain. Maybe Keith supports John McCain! Tim Russert is talking about Samuel Tilden, another epic loser in American history.
12:12 — Ha ha, Ron Allen, who covers Clinton for MSNBC along with Andrea Mitchell, says Clinton is late today “because she’s always late,” and then he bitches for a while about how she’s late to everything. Ron Allen will miss his job!
12:15 — Hey, we know why Hillary is late. She’s sucking her Crown Royal bottle, staring at her Valium bottle on the coffee table, wondering if she should take a second, thinking, “How the fuck did I lose to this?”:
12:20 — Goddamnit Keith, can you please stop making pantsuit jokes on national teevee?
12:22 — Chris Matthews is talking about “The Nut,” meaning the “nut graf” in journalism speak, but also meaning “Truck Nutz.”
12:23 — Ooh, Rachel Maddow! Hey Rachel: big sale on truck nutz.
12:25 — Pat Buchanan says exiting a race is hard, and he lost, what, four? But he can’t imagine what it’s like to lose to a Negro.
12:26 — Ooh, Eliot Spitzer and his wife Silda get in the car! Oh wait, that’s Hillary’s car, it’s moving! (To Denver).
12:30 — A bald man says that they will probably make Monday or Tuesday night at the convention “Hillary Night.” Every night is Hillary Night! Oh God, now he says there might be “Clintonian Wiggle Room” in this speech. Meaning, Hillary is going to try to declare Thursday night at the convention “Hillary Night.”
12:35 — While we wait, check out this ad I saw on Obama-loving Drudge Report last night:
Is that the Brer Rabbit? “Th-at’s Not Ch-ange We-ee Can Be-lie-ee-ve In.”
12:38 — What is the National Building Museum? It sounds Sexist, and looks Fascist. Bueno!
12:40 — Obama is playing golf right now, in Chicago. It’s the beginning of the end.
12:41 — There she is, getting out of her gas-guzzling SUV with her family. Her outfit looks very dark! It is 400 degrees in Washington, D.C. today, so pit-sweat could be an issue, even if she’s indoors.
12:45 — Receiving line: Bill hugs an old man and OH MY GOD TALKS TO A HOT BLONDE AND KISSES HER CHEEK. Todd Purdum of Vanity Fair, where are you for this!
12:46 — She’s starting. Let’s see what she has to say.
12:47 — Aww, she’s already crying. We believe it this time.
12:48 — She thanks her fans for arguing with their neighbors.
12:49 — And the people who contributed.
12:49 — And the Moms and Dads who moved to Outer Space just to canvass, for her.
12:50 — Ha ha, of course, the people who gave up their trip to Disneyworld (Florida!) for which they’d been saving “for two years” to campaign for her (after she lost) in Pennsylvania.
12:51 — She thanks The Gays, like Harriet Christian.
12:53 — Oh here it comes.
12:53 — She says let’s make Barack Obama President of the United States! Let’s say, 30% boos, 70% cheers?
12:54 — She has seen Obama in 22 debates, and 4 years in the Senate, and he’s sump’m else, he’s great, he’s been a wonderful part of this “race.” Ha ha, just kidding.
12:56 — Man, she is speaking about 25% faster than usual. “We’re all Democrats want health care economy end Iraq lower gas save money buy prescriptionsdrugsfoodleftoverinsurance.”
12:58 — “I’ve been involved in politics or public life in one way or another for four decades.” What an achievement! I’m working on my third.
12:59 — She says how shitty Democrats have been at winning the White House, except for Bill (who never won a majority of the popular vote).
1:01 — There it is: she says “Yes We Can!” No smiles, but who can blame her? She’s so used to “Yes We Will.”
1:02 — Ooh, Huma shot!
1:02 — We have to elect Barack Obama president! She’s saying it repeatedly! Ways to go, Hilz.
1:04 — Yikes! “Can an African-American be president? We have to answer that one!” That would be the “Clintonian Wiggle Room,” but whatever.
1:05 — She wants to build an America that respects all Women. She ran as a Mother who Worries About Her Daughter (who lives a comfortable life destroying the world at a hedge fund).
1:07 — It is unremarkable to have a woman run for president, she says, and “that is truly remarkable.” It is! Plenty of ladies can run, in any election, forever.
1:09 — Ha ha, WTF? She says “The fiftieth woman on earth is in space,” or something? Then she says we can shoot women into space. Maybe Hillary should consid– too easy.
1:11 — Hey, Ted Danson, with a Great White Beard. Oh, Civil Rights for blacks, too! She will give Obama his Civil Rights, by shooting his wife into Space.
1:13 — Did she say HillaryClinton.com? I was daydreaming about shooting various women into Space (the White House).
1:14 — Ha ha, wait, “shooting” — just realized that.
1:15 — She’ll go back to doing what she did “long before” the cameras came around. Uh, attending high school?
1:16 — She’s done.
1:17 — OMG she’s done.
1:17 — !!!
1:17 — ???
1:17 — Well, so much for those 17 months and/or 8 years.
1:18 — That was a nice speech. It was “striated,” the teevee people say. You can think a lot about why Hillary lost, and we have, and everyone has. But to the two or three Hillary supporters who read this site: whatever you consider Barack Obama’s chances of losing this election, those are the same chances of Hillary Clinton being elected in 2012. Good god, we’ve just had a cabal of crooks take over the White House for eight years. Monsters! This ’90s-’00s Democratic party, this “more Republican than the Republicans” triangulation at the heart of Clintonism? We don’t want it. It’s trash. Let’s run through the front door, now. And if the country isn’t ready for it, well, Clinton can have whatever she wants in 2012.
12:10PM, and she still hasn’t left the house.
Methinks she’s practicing “Point point, Clap clap” in the mirror one more time…
…and pounding some Crown Royal, of course.
Yowzer, is she gonna do the whole Evita-on-the-balcony thing? Don’t snarl for me West Virginia…
Olbermann just estimated a 12:30 start. He didn’t specify a.m. or p.m.
Miller High Life? Bah. It feels like more of a tequila day.
Nothing’s working. I suck. I tried msnbc, cnn, and then I caved and went to hillaryclinton.com. that worked, but not the live stream, just her talking about how she talked to people. All of whom put their hopes completely in her. The fools.
totally hungover.
Heh. “at least 10 minutes late.”
I’d hit it.
personally, i think harriet christianson (sp?) should give the opening. nothing says unity like batshit crazy.
Maybe someone should have called at 3am to remind her.
She’s probably busy putting on makeup and trying on pant suits. This is why we can’t have a woman president.
graceless: you might have to download java or some computer crap like that. i don’t really know how it works, i’m thinking gerbils.
And of course, “Wonder Woman” has found a bloated corpse in the Potomac. Symbolism for the day? No. It was Mark Penn, and the bloating was pre-death.
Hilz intervention/exorcism just ended, she is now ready to accept that she may not win this thing. She will instead run for Head Salad bar bouncer at Denny’s
Amaraya: ay-ohhh.
As someone said in the other comment thread, “Mark Penn’s head is stuck in the banister and they’re looking for the Crisco.”
graceless: MSNBC’s got a link at http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21134540/vp/22887392#22887392
which you reach by clicking on the MSNBC home page. Or for those (like me) too cheap for even basic cable, it’s on CSPAN, although you have to listen to a voice-over of their idiot callers.
jim, will the awesome liz glover be documenting the chaos and carnage to engulf dc after the speech?
InsidiousTuna: thank you, i’ll be here all night. please tip your waitress.
This just in Hillarity is locked in her bedroom surrounded by empty Crown Royal bottles and on a bawling jag.
C’mon Hilz, reach waaaay deep inside and do something gracious. You can do it! I’ll even forgive you for making me watch Keith Olbermann on Saturday.
What I called yesterday:
“What’s the over/under that by the end of tonight, Politico’s lead feature will be ‘Five Things to Watch for in Hillary’s Speech’? B/c they seem hellbent on refracting this entire campaign through their ‘Five Things’ prism. (’Five Things Bill Clinton Should Watch for as He’s Stomped in the Lobby of His Harlem Office’.)”
Today’s story:
http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0608/10911.html
She’s 20 minutes late so far. She just knows that “October surprise” will leak by 12:30 EST.
I feel like I’m cheating on msnbc, but cnn is just working for me. Terry just showed. They’re screaming.
Did Keith just say “hurried activity in pantsuits”?!?! He is the best jackass ever.
InsidiousTuna:
She’d take the opportunity to slap him about 50 times while giving him a refresher on how delegates are apportioned in the Democratic primary process.
Oh God. Keith made a pantsuit joke. This campaign has to stop. Now.
Apparently, “Clinton time” is a minimum of 30 minutes late according to Mr. Blitzer.
Did Olbermann make a freaking pantsuit remark! STFU, man!
Maybe if she waits long enough, Obama will just give up.
12:25 and still in the house. Is she going to call in sick for her concession?
V572625694: thanks, I’ve done the msnbc one a bunch of times, today it won’t show me the stupid commercial. Although, oddball was easy, go figure. CNN’s just showing the crowd, how many people do you suppose are there? Is it climate controlled?
Black Cat: That’s funny. CPT is only 21 minutes late. Don’t ask me how I know…
she’s leaving her house…mark penn is safe and asleep.
Watching motorcade footage is thrilling, really, really thrilling.
Watching this coverage, I can only assume that Hillary Clinton has stabbed her white ex-wife and possible lover. I just can’t wait for Bill’s frantic 911 call:
“You know who I am, dammit! This is B.C. dammit!”
Pantsuit jokes are OUR jokes, Keith! You back off!! You get paid to crack wise about more lofty things.
Testing 1, 2, 3
she will wait till 3 a.m., i guess. just to show she´s ready.
Amaraya: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA….
Yes, When WILL Obama Concede?? (Parts 1-4 now available on Hillaryis44 for those whose severe schizophrenia prevents them from understanding reality from fantasy)
Okay, I’m bored.
graceless: Damnit you beat me to it. Probably because I’m running on…nevermind.
Chronic tardiness is arrogant, inconsiderate. But Ted’n'Mary are there! Yea!
Now I’m getting from msnbc tell me that due to usage restrictions they can’t show it to me? What’s up with that?
“we’ll do it Live!” if you show up, Hilz!
I’m going back to cnn.
graceless: McCain time is any time he damn pleases, because when McCain was growing up, we didn’t have time. You had to guess when you were supposed to be someplace.
I wish Jonathan Alter would put those last few hairs on his forehead out of their misery.
You know, Bobby Kennedy once was late to an event in June.
…damn, Hillary was half-way “Hitable”
Terr-bear is probably dancing around naked with his bottle of rum at this point and preventing her from going on stage to concede since he still thinks she is the nominee.
Only elitists own clocks.
LOL at “It’s Moving (to Denver.)”
Meanwhile, CNN reported that Obama was off to a game of golf out in Chicago. What a misogynist elitist, out playing golf while the woman does all the work.
graceless: CSPAN works for me.
When I look at that delightfully Stalinist speaking platform, I can’t help but wonder if halfway through the speech a fit woman in a tanktop and running shorts will dash in and lob a sledgehammer at the podium.
In a Jar:
my wife just said same.
She’s in front of the tv with Bill. They’re watching MSNBC, feverishly all the sexist remarks that Olbermann and Matthews are making so they can insert them into her speech.
are other people msnbc-ing a live stream? are they only blocking me?
HairyIckey: …you are dick cuz you had the first comment!
user-of-owls: 12:34 and still a NO SHOW(not that Im counting)
cs11: …Im still SHIT-FACED!
Where’s her house? How long can it take to get downtown from there? Bored! Bored! Did somebody Google-map the directions? Don’t they stop traffic for an historic loser?
graceless: Not that it matters when you’re just watching the results of Hillary locking herself in her bathroom slurring, “I don’t care! I don’t wanna go!” I bet that car driving over is just Chelsea apologizing. “Sorry, my mom can’t make it today. She’s surfing the crimson wave. She had to haul ass to the ladies.”
graceless: I am. Keep in mind it’s not the broadcast MSNBC, its just a feed of the speech. Same thing as CNN.
…are they having their concession in a church?
I’ve never watching MSNBC’s speech coverage sober before. I now understand why. This is positively painful.
Well, this sucks. c’mon hillz, get to the point.
graceless:
cnn is working great.
obfuscator:
‘feverishly transcribing’, duh.
…I wonder if Terry “douche bag” McCauliffe will introduce her as the “next president of the United States”?
user-of-owls: +1
graceless: I can get that MSNBC stream (in San Diego). You might try C-SPAN’s Web site.
Jesus, if I lent my losing campaign $11m, I’d jump off a bridge.
What historic coverage of this historic event. Schoolchildren will discuss the day Hillary Clinton was late. Historic!
this music blows. she should have hired a second-line combo.
Hillary is probably so late because she just found the infamous Michelle Obama “kill whitey” tape. Which, of course, changes everything.
The caricature of Wright in that Drudge ad is, I’m reasonably sure, out of one of Chip Bok’s political cartoons, though the speech balloon isn’t. I wonder if he knows it?
And doesn’t she look like Jennifer Jason Leigh in “Single White Female” in that picture? What’s up with the wet hair?
This is the lamest Wonkette pool party ever. Where’s the wet t-shirt contest with the senior citizen women bitters?
bitchincamaro: Yes, thanks. I guess I’ll stay here. Msnbc will just to have fun without me.
ronaldpagan:
The headline on MSNBC:
“SEN. HILLARY CLINTON GETS MONTHLY VISITOR; SPEECH POSTPONED”
ronaldpagan: I’ll bet she was watching it over and over and over, and she just lost track of the time.
Two-minute warning! Yee hah!
V572625694: Her house is a block or two away from the Naval Observatory, where the VP lives. It’s up Massachussetts, and she’ll have to drive across town (AND through Dupont Circle- terrible traffic) to get there.
Oh, hey, she just showed up. Let’s see what she does.
That announcer just made this sound like a boxing match.
Cicada: No. School children will discuss the say HRC wasn’t late. Provided there is ever a day when she isn’t late.
Wait the cheers just built up. Is she actually coming?
Whoa listen to that downer music…she’s finally here!!!!
…awwwwwwwwww she was introduced as “senator” and not the “next president of the UNITED STATES”
Jeez, there are a ton of overweight, bald, frumpy men in that audience. Did NAMBLA hold their convention in D.C. this year?
V572625694: I think her house is in Georgetown, and if traffic is bad, which I hear it is, the ride could take a minute.
An eskimo kiss for Chuck Schumer? Ewwwww.
All right, she’s here. There’s Bill!
Oh Terry & Bill you lovable scumbags…be back after I can catch every last one of Hillary’s sweet sweet tears.
give poor Hilz a break. It’s the Washington crowd. She’s just being ‘fashionably late’.
Wow, most somber entrance music, ever.
InsidiousTuna: She has a motorcade, traffic is never a problem…tardiness, that’s a problem.
Only one clap-clap-point? You disappoint me, Hilz.
…uh-oh the Goldwater reference by Keith!
I still stand by my statement that I’d do Chelsea, if only for the novelty value.
ronaldpagan:
It sounded like the song from ‘Titanic’.
“Thank you, thank you, and FUCK YOU!”
she’s dressed great but she so did not put on her makeup today…
Fat Guy in Brown Shirt is not behind her this time. This is surely a sign of something or other.
Why are they all dressed in black? Who died?
“Well, this isn’t the party I planned, but I sure like the company.” Bitch.
I have a feeling that she’s going to cry. I have a feeling that I will feel involuntary pangs of empathy for her if she does.
Maybe she can become a party planner when all this is over!
she will mention the bike boy
obfuscator: Don’t give in, ‘Fusca. Don’t give in.
“…Who went to hillaryclinton.com…”