Welcome to Wonkette’s Hillary Clinton Graduation Pool Party! We have many “hot dogs” for you to eat, and Miller High Life for the adults. But oh, where is the graduate herself, Hillary Clinton? According to the teevee, she is “at least 10 minutes late.” And she’s supposed to deliver the commencement address, just like she did at Wellesley in 1969, a speech bursting with such Boomer idealism and brilliance that it made her national headlines. And then she married Bill Clinton, a shit. Let’s liveblog Hillary’s second commencement address, in which she will endorse Barack Obama, and start her Second Life.
12:09 — Now she is at least 30 minutes late. MSNBC has a camera on her car, in the driveway of some rich neighborhood. It’s funny! Keith Olbermann is very upset about the lateness, because he didn’t prepare enough snide comments to last another half-hour. Maybe he should use the time to apologize for going overboard and making ladies support John McCain. Maybe Keith supports John McCain! Tim Russert is talking about Samuel Tilden, another epic loser in American history.
12:12 — Ha ha, Ron Allen, who covers Clinton for MSNBC along with Andrea Mitchell, says Clinton is late today “because she’s always late,” and then he bitches for a while about how she’s late to everything. Ron Allen will miss his job!
12:15 — Hey, we know why Hillary is late. She’s sucking her Crown Royal bottle, staring at her Valium bottle on the coffee table, wondering if she should take a second, thinking, “How the fuck did I lose to this?”:
12:20 — Goddamnit Keith, can you please stop making pantsuit jokes on national teevee?
12:22 — Chris Matthews is talking about “The Nut,” meaning the “nut graf” in journalism speak, but also meaning “Truck Nutz.”
12:23 — Ooh, Rachel Maddow! Hey Rachel: big sale on truck nutz.
12:25 — Pat Buchanan says exiting a race is hard, and he lost, what, four? But he can’t imagine what it’s like to lose to a Negro.
12:26 — Ooh, Eliot Spitzer and his wife Silda get in the car! Oh wait, that’s Hillary’s car, it’s moving! (To Denver).
12:30 — A bald man says that they will probably make Monday or Tuesday night at the convention “Hillary Night.” Every night is Hillary Night! Oh God, now he says there might be “Clintonian Wiggle Room” in this speech. Meaning, Hillary is going to try to declare Thursday night at the convention “Hillary Night.”
12:35 — While we wait, check out this ad I saw on Obama-loving Drudge Report last night:
Is that the Brer Rabbit? “Th-at’s Not Ch-ange We-ee Can Be-lie-ee-ve In.”
12:38 — What is the National Building Museum? It sounds Sexist, and looks Fascist. Bueno!
12:40 — Obama is playing golf right now, in Chicago. It’s the beginning of the end.
12:41 — There she is, getting out of her gas-guzzling SUV with her family. Her outfit looks very dark! It is 400 degrees in Washington, D.C. today, so pit-sweat could be an issue, even if she’s indoors.
12:45 — Receiving line: Bill hugs an old man and OH MY GOD TALKS TO A HOT BLONDE AND KISSES HER CHEEK. Todd Purdum of Vanity Fair, where are you for this!
12:46 — She’s starting. Let’s see what she has to say.
12:47 — Aww, she’s already crying. We believe it this time.
12:48 — She thanks her fans for arguing with their neighbors.
12:49 — And the people who contributed.
12:49 — And the Moms and Dads who moved to Outer Space just to canvass, for her.
12:50 — Ha ha, of course, the people who gave up their trip to Disneyworld (Florida!) for which they’d been saving “for two years” to campaign for her (after she lost) in Pennsylvania.
12:51 — She thanks The Gays, like Harriet Christian.
12:53 — Oh here it comes.
12:53 — She says let’s make Barack Obama President of the United States! Let’s say, 30% boos, 70% cheers?
12:54 — She has seen Obama in 22 debates, and 4 years in the Senate, and he’s sump’m else, he’s great, he’s been a wonderful part of this “race.” Ha ha, just kidding.
12:56 — Man, she is speaking about 25% faster than usual. “We’re all Democrats want health care economy end Iraq lower gas save money buy prescriptionsdrugsfoodleftoverinsurance.”
12:58 — “I’ve been involved in politics or public life in one way or another for four decades.” What an achievement! I’m working on my third.
12:59 — She says how shitty Democrats have been at winning the White House, except for Bill (who never won a majority of the popular vote).
1:01 — There it is: she says “Yes We Can!” No smiles, but who can blame her? She’s so used to “Yes We Will.”
1:02 — Ooh, Huma shot!
1:02 — We have to elect Barack Obama president! She’s saying it repeatedly! Ways to go, Hilz.
1:04 — Yikes! “Can an African-American be president? We have to answer that one!” That would be the “Clintonian Wiggle Room,” but whatever.
1:05 — She wants to build an America that respects all Women. She ran as a Mother who Worries About Her Daughter (who lives a comfortable life destroying the world at a hedge fund).
1:07 — It is unremarkable to have a woman run for president, she says, and “that is truly remarkable.” It is! Plenty of ladies can run, in any election, forever.
1:09 — Ha ha, WTF? She says “The fiftieth woman on earth is in space,” or something? Then she says we can shoot women into space. Maybe Hillary should consid– too easy.
1:11 — Hey, Ted Danson, with a Great White Beard. Oh, Civil Rights for blacks, too! She will give Obama his Civil Rights, by shooting his wife into Space.
1:13 — Did she say HillaryClinton.com? I was daydreaming about shooting various women into Space (the White House).
1:14 — Ha ha, wait, “shooting” — just realized that.
1:15 — She’ll go back to doing what she did “long before” the cameras came around. Uh, attending high school?
1:16 — She’s done.
1:17 — OMG she’s done.
1:17 — !!!
1:17 — ???
1:17 — Well, so much for those 17 months and/or 8 years.
1:18 — That was a nice speech. It was “striated,” the teevee people say. You can think a lot about why Hillary lost, and we have, and everyone has. But to the two or three Hillary supporters who read this site: whatever you consider Barack Obama’s chances of losing this election, those are the same chances of Hillary Clinton being elected in 2012. Good god, we’ve just had a cabal of crooks take over the White House for eight years. Monsters! This ’90s-’00s Democratic party, this “more Republican than the Republicans” triangulation at the heart of Clintonism? We don’t want it. It’s trash. Let’s run through the front door, now. And if the country isn’t ready for it, well, Clinton can have whatever she wants in 2012.