Wonkette
- YOU’RE ALL INVITED TO WONKETTE’S HILLARY CLINTON POOL PARTY: Tomorrow, Washington, D.C. will reach a heat index of 105 degrees, Fahrenheit. You will not be able to play outside, so you might as well watch Hillary’s big farewell speech in which she will endorse Senator Barack Obama, depending on your interpretation of “endorse” (shoot?). The speech is planned for noon, and your Wonkette will be here to liveblog it, since we’ll already have been awake for five hours watching Cartoons. Join!
I sense a trap. The FBI is trying to get us all in one place to send us to Gitmo because we are effete elitist secret Muslims.
Can we invite these people too?
http://hcsfjm.com/
http://www.hcsct.com/
And by “shoot” I’m sure you’re simply emphasizing the month of June.
105???? The terrorists have won and brought Bahgdad to D.C. Thanks traitors.
RFK actually died 40 years ago, today… love the live blog. Will the internets be live streaming too? I have no TV…
What the hell, noon EST on Saturday? I guess she doesn’t want to have anyone on the West Coast watch it.
graceless: What a coincidence! Maggie Williams just sent us this link for that purpose: http://links.hillaryclinton.com/ctt?kn=2&m=1098413&r=NzQ3OTUzMjc1MQS2&b=0&j=MTEwNTU5MzE3S0&mt=1
Call me when DCs temps are over 100 deg for 3 1/2 months. Of course, if that ever happens, I expect whatever’s left of me and my phone will be found on my back porch looking like a piece of oversmoked beef jerky. So you can probably skip the call then.
watch out for those warm spots near me, just sayin…
Paultardville: Just like Sheik Barack.
Insha Allah He shall reign supreme!
By the way, if Sara K. Smith is the lifeguard I will totally drown myself on purpose.
Jim Newell:
O.K. Jim. I followed all the links for fun, and every page asks for $.
Very cute. From here on, you are Jim Crewell.
OK, Hils. This is your chance to earn back some of your old grace you squandered so spectacularly during the last 5 or 6 months of your failed campaign. There are millions of open minded folks out there (like myself) who didn’t start out in this thing hating your guts. Not until you forced us to.
This is going to require some world class sucking up and prostration to convince us you are 100% our selected candidate. The candidate who won fair and square. You’ve said often enough you mostly fall together on the issues anyway, so what else matters?
Don’t fuck this up, Hils.
bitchincamaro: Knuckle-bump.
bitchincamaro: graceless: Maggie Williams sucks! Maybe it will work tomorrow, or maybe you’ll have to pay money. 50/50.
sorry, im expecting to get my brains screwed-out tonight…i cant imagine that ill do anything other than sleep all day tomorrow…
just doing my teensy weensy bit to prove that …the ‘personal’ IS political…
thats right, ive a hot date with Ron Paul…
he has this way of whispering ‘baby youre better than gold’…at just the right time…
anabellum: And here I thought women were totally creeped out by gynecologists and gnarled little trolls. Get some!
graceless:
your avatar is naked! wooooo.
Outside party in 100 degree heat at noon? Hate to state the obvious but Hillary supporters are mad dogs. And I am an effete, misogynist bore.
Maybe she’ll buy that stupid little kid a new bicycle. Then I won’t have to hate her so much. Nah, she’ll just announce a link on her site so some grandma in WV who can’t afford medicine but doesn’t care as long as they keep the coloreds outta the white house will buy the kid a bike at the garage sale held by the guy about to lose his house but it’s okay cause Jesus loves him for voting republican.
after doing a google search for: blogfather, I’m thinking I’m not the first one to coin the name, and I shall morph into something more original…
like “the dudemeister” … I’m open for suggestions.
bitchincamaro: I know. No peeking…
So when you say pool party, are you referring to the Obama’s death pool? because I’ve already got my money on November.
better? no?…
“The Speech,” in a parallel universe:
[massive estate and pool; raucus conga music plays while Hil-staffers dance, cackle and weep. HRC climbs onto podium, obviously drunk, wearing a pant-swimsuit ]
“Are the camerash on? Everyone? Hello? … Everyone? … HEY SHUT UP YOU ASSHOLES!”
[sudden deafening silence]
“All righty. All right … Now, while Bill’s inna cabana bangin’ another li’l slutty BITCH — ha! — I jus wanna say whatta buncha crap this was. You all … alla you … whatta disgrace! I was gonna win! I was gonna WIN, GOD DAMMIT! And now what? Look who Mr. Big Shot Democratic Nominee-Apparent is? Huh? Huh?”
[crowd begins to weave, uncertain]
“An’ now, I gotta SUCK HIS BIG BLACK DICK jus’ ta get my money back! MY fuckin’ MONEY! An’ are any a you gonna help? NOOOOOO! You’ll jus’ go back to yer little shitty lives, an’ pretend none a this ever happened. Well, FUCK YOU! Yeah, I said it!”
[crowd now uneasy, bordering on running off or attacking the stage]
“I wuz gonna be the firs’ god damn Lady President! I was gonna put Bill inna fuckin’ looney bin an’ arrest every Republican I ever MET! But not now. Nope. Now I’m jus’ gonna be a loser, like the rest of ya.”
[crowd boo's, begins throwing trash and empty beer bottles]
“Whattaya gonna do, huh? Turn on me? Ya BUMS! Well, I’ll tell ya what I’M gonna do. I’m goin’ ta Denver an I’m gonna fuck Obama’s shit UP! Thas’ right! I’m gonna get up there an act all endorse-y, and then I’m gonna TAKE THIS GOD DAMN THING OVER, you bet! Hey, where’s Terry? Gitcherass up here! Tell ‘em how I’m gonna … I’m gonna … oh shit … I’m gonna be sick …”
[HRC vomits, collapses; crowd goes wild]
[crowd]: “Free at last! Free at least! Kill the monster!!!”
[crowd rushes stage and drags HRC off to the swimming pool, laughing and singing]
[fade to black]
Voiceover: “I’m John McCain, and I approve this message.”
Gopherit v2.0: “And here I thought women were totally creeped out by gynecologists and gnarled little trolls. Get some!”
ahhhh…but hes sooooo good with a speculum….
Son of Mark Penn: I know right??? I am not gonna sleep tonight, because, seriously, missing this would be the saddest time of my life.
And speaking of pools, let’s start a betting pool for hillaryclinton.com references. My guess is 3.
greatgooglymoogly: I just died laughing!
Can we get back to Chelsea now? Thanks to whoever had the reverse cowgirl idea. That kept me busy for about 20 minutes, butnowthedamnenterkeyissticking . . .
greatgooglymoogly: i usually don’t read the long comments, but thank you for making me laugh hysterically.
greatgooglymoogly: I disbelieve. Not a single “www.hillaryclinton.com” pitch? Please.
J/K Bravo.
ronaldpagan: Jim Newell: And on those kind notes, I believe I’ll call it a day. Adios, amigos!
ronaldpagan: Higher. Higher. I’m going to say higher.
Gopherit v2.0: D’oh!
greatgooglymoogly: Thank Jeebus and Saint Barack of Obama for this wonderful bounty of cheap video cameras, the Wonder of Youtube, and precious moments like those, which I pray truly occur tomorrow. Amen.
Five hours of cartoons after 6:00 am (before is ok)?! You people have not been drinking enough lately… but given the state of things, that’s impossible… Free drinks for Wonkette editors of legl age at Solly’s at 11th and U St. Greatgooglymoogly and Frank Zappa are buying!
Ooh, a party! I’ll bring two bags of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls… or, if y’all don’t swing that way, some really great guacamole.
TLR: I’m full of fear and loathing… but I love a good party and guac.
scotterl: Well, I was kidding about Uncle Hunter’s Party Favors, but I’m serious about my guacamole: it’s so good I have made grown men fall to their knees weeping with gastronomical gratitude.
Watch Clinton speak, or study for the bar….hmmmmm….I really can’t decide which will be more painful….maybe I’ll clean the kitty litter.
Hey, let’s party like it’s 1999!
Whoops, the last time we did that, by the time we sobered up, the Evil W was appointed the Great Leader of our beloved Land!
my friends, i am back.
and, my friends, i am still not affiliated with senator mccain.
in any way. at all.
i had to get a whole new stupid yahoo email to re-login and, i
had to change my name so i don’t understand why i’m being
greeted by “welcome back, tsunami”! what the fuck?
i used to be immodestmouse, which is a stupid name, but i had a
cool picture to use [i don't use avatars].
anyway, i’m back and i’m pissed off.
nice picture, tits. i just bet you can make grown men drop to their
knees cause they ate your guacamole. i want to go to your party, but
about that mesc…it’s acid. i know. i used to make it a long time
ago. i think it was a long time ago. all we did was mix it with nestles
quik and call it chocolate mesc. but bring me some anyway.
shit. gotta run. the senator from arizona is on the phone. not mccain…the
other one. whatisname.
how about finding a way into the birthday sleepover happening chez obama tomorrow night? i can’t imagine what fun muslim rituals they have in store for the kiddies at their hyde park madrassa (obama sleeping with little girls is totally the scandal hillary’s been waiting for). i imagine hillary plans to poop on that party as well…she’s got to get to those young voters now if she hopes to win in 2012.
Let’s see…. pool party at Hillary’s?
Mark Penn + Speedo = Horror.
tomorrow’s speech will be broadcasted live from her website… http://www.hillaryclinton.com …
Lascauxcaveman:
Wow. I’m glad no one read my comment. I left out a single word that entirely changed the context. It should have said: convince us you are 100% behind our selected candidate…
OK, it true. I miss the preview function. Gawker has superior hamsters. Never thought I would say that, but it’s true.
If Bill and Hillary dance in their swimsuits, I propose immediate banning to anyone who posts the YouTube link.
I’m thinking about going to the speech tomorrow. I’ve got a sneaking suspicion Hopey will be there.
Tits_LaRue: Party at Tits’ place: Come for the drugs, stay for the yummy Guacamole. Sounds like the perfect reason to ditch my low-sodium diet. More chips!
Lascauxcaveman: We read it. We knew what you meant. Nobody seems to be taking any bets. If she blows it, people are going to be super pissed. I’m half hoping she blows it. I know, that makes me a bad person…
InsidiousTuna: Where is the speech?
greatgooglymoogly:
FTW. +++
Okay, first, I’m sorry for the triple post thing, that said, I went to Hillaryclinton.com, and her speech will be at the National Building Museum, @401 F street, Washington, DC, NW, etc., @10am. But you would need a ticket, available @ her website. I’m presuming the tix are free, but considering how deep in the red she is, well, just take your chances.
Tits_LaRue:
“… grown men…with gastronomical gratitude.” And, which planet
would they be from?
graceless:
Shouldn’t it be at the National Demolition Museum?
greatgooglymoogly:
Even funnier the second time I read it.
What’s the over/under that by the end of tonight, Politico’s lead feature will be “Five Things to Watch for in Hillary’s Speech”? B/c they seem hellbent on refracting this entire campaign through their “Five Things” prism. (”Five Things Bill Clinton Should Watch for as He’s Stomped in the Lobby of His Harlem Office”.)
greatgooglymoogly: All of written language was leading up to this moment. Nicely done.
greatgooglymoogly: Ow. My sides.
greatgooglymoogly: Niiiice. I read it with the accent Kathy Griffin uses when she impersonates her mom…
soymocha: Any bets on what time the speech will start? How long will she keep everybody waiting?
“: Pool of blood. Or perhaps a pool filled with Inferi (zombies) from Harry Potter.
Anyway, I’ve got the (wine) cooler set, portable fan, etc. I”ll be ready from minute one.
graceless: National Building Museum, wherever the hell that is. I’ll be out and about tomorrow, figure I may stop by.
Paultardville: “I sense a trap.” But that’s what makes you a Paultard. There will be no gold sprinkles on the ice-cream cake. The only pastry there will show a united Defeatocrat party, spanning Montana to Colorado. No bitters and no recriminations from fembota Midol-lacking. Right. All hail President McAncient and the new hundred years war. All frigging hail.
InsidiousTuna: National Building Museum. Is that inside a building, by any chance. It’s a little weird — as though the Baseball Hall of Fame were inside Babe Ruth. I’m going to include the edifice of the National Building Museum in my Recursive Set Theory Museum. My museum will be shaped like a Klein Bottle and the second entry after the NBS will be the band Bad Company, for the special accomplishment of having a song named after themselves on an album named after themselves.
The Recursive Set Theory Museum — It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
tsunami: From what I hear, “the kids” these days mix coke with Strawberry Quik… But I prefer mine carved into a statue of Jesus.
Lascauxcaveman: Don’t eat the brown guacamole!
bitchincamaro: They’re all suckers for a good dip…
I’ve got plenty of limes, but it’s BYOTequilla: I might not have 30 Million in debt, but I know how you people drink!
Tits_LaRue: Madame Tits, I have an iron gut. I can not only stomach (and relish) brown guac, I can even drink Blue Gin. (Or a least gin that comes in a blue bottle. Or green. Or even clear.) Or mescal. Pacifico. Bud, Pbr younameit. Whaddaya got?
No coke thank you, I tried some in the 80’s and my sinuses are clear now, thank you.
Lascauxcaveman: You have my admiration, fine Caveman Sir; the last guy I knew who drank mescal was found under his car in Tijuana sans belt, shoes, stomach contents and wallet… No mescal, coke or brown acid for me these days, I stick with the high-end vodkas, tequillas and (as if it wasn’t obvious) various leafy green substances that are neither lettuce nor kudzu.
They aren’t going to be happy:
http://usera.imagecave.com/destonio/base.jpg
Lucky Yankee bastards, winter in Australia.
I should take a leaf outta your book and sue somebody.
Tits_LaRue: Arugula?
SayItWithWookies: Akcherly, the National Building Museum is super-duper cool. It was originally the Commerce Department, and was built back in 10,000 B.C. in such a way as to avoid Malodorous Humours. It’s got this gigantic atreum five or so stories high, with enormous faux-marble columns holding it up, like a prehistoric Hyatt Regency. They fly model airplanes in there, it’s so big. For Hillary’s purposes, it will be perfect, as there are lots of balconies for snipers to pretend to try to kill her from, reigniting her fight for the presidency.
The exhibits, meh. Nice if you’re into architecture.
if jimmy neutron is on tv, i ain’t switching for hillary. best cartoon!
recipe for saturday toons….
turn on toons
mix bowl of capt crunch & fav flavor of ice cream (diet crap doesn’t count)
open soda
repeat.
Gail Collins in the NYT this morning. This is pretty good:
“I get asked all the time whether I think Hillary lost because sexism is worse than racism in this country. The answer is no. She lost because Obama ran a smarter, better-organized campaign. It’s possible that she would have won if the Democratic Party had more rational primary rules. But Obama didn’t make up the rules, and Clinton had no problem with them until she began to lose.”
But then:
“Here’s where the sexism does come in. If Barack had failed in his attempt to make history by becoming the first African-American presidential nominee, you can bet we’d have treated his defeat with the dignity it deserved. Even if he went over the deep end at the finale and found it hard to get around to a graceful concession.”
Doh! Missed it by that much!
dougbob: i just got diabetes by reading your post.
greatgooglymoogly: pant-swimsuit = genius
How’s this for a drinking game: take a shot every time a pundit says the word “historic.” Like, since Obama won the nomination, they have all been overusing the word “historic” to an absolutely vulgar degree. Blitzer is actually referring to her endorsement speech as historic. I suppose because it’s the first time blacks and women have agreed on anything, ever.
eatsshootsleaves: How’s this for a drinking game, take a shot every time HRC says, “hillaryclinton.com” and meet the floor…
For my tv-less friends out there, I don’t know if our buddies at MSNBC will be streaming live, just went to their site, they AND Childress said nothing, but CNN will be streaming the speech live.
graceless: Thanks, I was wondering about that. I think I found some Bratislavan stream of the MSNBC audio, but I’m sure it’s putting child porn on my employer’s computer.
Goddammit, can’t the Clintons be on time for ANYTHING?
Running late my ass. She can’t bring herself to do it.
I would absolutely LOVE for Bill to show up to this drunk.
InsidiousTuna: Seconded! And Terry too. Please?
Hi it’s never gonna happen is it?
Grow a pair, Hills. I woke up just to watch you concede.
msnbc’s gonna stream live too.
ronaldpagan:
she hasn’t even left her fuckin’ house yet.
i should have known that a month long defeat lap would end like this.
Those ginormous pillars in the speech venue are now lit up to look like towers of flame from the bowels of hell. Nifty!
Also, Terry just arrived and is being greeted like the rock star he is.
She’s not ready on Day 1 of the national campaign, apparently.
I can’t get msnbc’s stream. I’m going to try cnn. Just like her to make everybody wait for her to leave.
I’m bored. MSNBC needs to get someone down there to find out if Terry is drunk.
I’m watching this on the streaming CNN, as I’m at work trying to do my thang. Jeez, there are a lot of bitters in that audience!
That’s still loading too. Misery!
olbermann just said that estimated start time is now 12:30. jesus, she roons EVERYTHING.
obfuscator: Like this: us all drooling in anticipation while she hides like a little bitch? Talk about ungracious.
This is so aggravating - i made an appointment for 12:50 specifically to catch this. How is she 30 minutes late for something she’s had scheduled for days?
obfuscator: yeah, cnn’s got the “awaiting her departure” cam going. what in god’s name is taking so long?! my guess: mark penn’s head is stuck in the banister and they’re looking for the crisco.
graceless: Yeah MSNBC isn’t working for me either! Maybe a million Obamatards crashed it. This is our day after all! CSPAN is where it’s at.
obfuscator: Amaraya: I hope she opens her speech, “Oh shit, you guys, I totally set my alarm clock for 11 PM, not AM!” (She will be visibly hung over.)
She’ll make it all about her.
http://usera.imagecave.com/destonio/Destonio_LaughGod.jpg
It’s more obvious than ever that this is gonna be a total non-endorsement endorsement. Feel free to prove me wrong, Hill-dog, if you even show up.
El Bombastico: It’s called How-The-Hell-I’m-Supposed-To-Get-Harriet-Christian-To-Vote-For-CP time.
Well, this means that I can finish my comments! Two left!
Hillary Clinton has had an unsuccessful term in English class this spring. A dour, bitter old crone, she has had a great deal of difficulty following through on her assignments. Although her grades on grammar and vocabulary quizzes were relatively good, I was disappointed by her grade of 47% on her final grammar test on adverbs and prepositions. It was obvious from that test — as well as from some of Hillary’s comments in class — that she had not prepared well. Her creative project on Tom Sawyer was nicely done; she and her husband, Bill, acted out Tom and Becky Thatcher’s engagement scene (although the scene ended inappropriately). Hillary’s lack of preparation was obvious again on her final examination: she did not work well with her group as they tried to prepare answers to the questions, and a few of her fellow group members remarked that she was being obstinate and defiant when they asked her to contribute. Next year, I hope that Hillary will work on regulating her comments during class discussions; it is inappropriate for her to call me a “misogynist” and a “sexist pig” whenever I try to offer constructive criticism about her writing. I enjoyed the opportunity to work with Hillary this year, and thank God I won’t have her in class next year.
Yeah, that’s pretty raw, making everyone wait for a half hour while she braces herself.
I told my wife, “She’s gonna announce that Obama is creating a new cabinet post for her: Secretary of Ladies.” I got punched.
ronaldpagan:
“Sorry, fellow hard working white Americans. I was at home on my personal computer trying to order a new Huffy for a little boy in Indiana who believed so much in this campaign that he sold everything thing he loved so he could go to HILLARYCLINTON.COM and make the first of what will be many bad financial decisions… “
regisgoat: Under the jurisdiction of the Secretary of Ladies: Darning socks, needlepoint, cramps.
Hahaha I wish CSPAN would play a hillaryclinton.com plugs montage.
Parasol: Hey baby! Welcome over from Jezebel!
Oh my God…another half hour?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
ronaldpagan:
Or a ‘point-point-clap-clap’ montage.
…wet T-shirt party?!
Side note– I am very unimpressed with both Matthews’s and Olbermann’s outfits. Matthews has a weird color scheme going on, and Olbermann has some sort of crazy stripes fetish. The wardrobe guy clearly got drunk last night. (at Hill’s party?)
Rachel, of course, looks as lesbian-chic as ever.
Oh a car is moving off. Nice going, Hill-dog, leave the house HALF AN HOUR AFTER YOUR SPEECH IS ABOUT TO START. You better show up with that bike for the poor kid.
ronaldpagan: …Terry McCauliffe is a DOUCHE!!!
ronaldpagan:
I imagined her giving a really weak-sauce speech and talking about how great she is for 45 minutes, but I didn’t consider the idea that she literally wouldn’t leave the fucking house. What a dootch.
itgetter: And that (Rachel) is why I wish MSNBC was working.
…the sad thing is that the loser in the Democratic campaign still pulls a bigger crowd than a corpse, oops I mean John McCain.
ronaldpagan: THANKS! Usually only lurk. Not particularly up for ragging on historic (where’s my beer?) candidates, but it’s interesting to watch. I’m craven like that.
AngryBlakGuy:
All of his speeches have a real public access feel to them, right?
AngryBlakGuy: John McCorpse, perhaps?