Hillary Throws Huge Drunken Pool Party At Her Home

 

Tomorrow is quittin’ time for Hillary Clinton, so today she threw a big farewell bash for her 500-person staff at her Georgetown home, Whitehaven Manor Castle, “in the back yard by the swimming pool.” And although Hillary could’ve served the troops just fine, thank you, with her trademark potato salad recipe — which consists of bourbon and no potatoes at all — she donated another $11 million to her campaign for catering! “All morning, workers brought tables, food, and bags of ice through the side gate, assisted by Secret Service agents. Valets helped park cars to keep them off the quiet one-way street.” Oh boy!

UPDATE BELOW: We’re hearing that many sad pandas on Team Clinton didn’t get invited.

Highlights of the party included:

  • Bill Clinton played a round of golf before the party even happened. He loves golf!
  • Chelsea appeared for three seconds, before flying to Texas.
  • Hillary was dressed in “khakis and a white blouse.” How “summer”!
  • “When informed that there was no alcohol inside the the Clinton’s staff party [Terry] McAuliffe joked with reporters: ‘There’s no booze? I’ll take care of that.’”
  • Terry McAuliffe then sneaked in a 40, ran to the bathroom and quickly chugged it.
  • Six minutes later, a member of Clinton’s advance team Corporate Fat Cat squad told the Senator that McAuliffe was naked in the pool, alternating shouts of “SO COLD, MY NUTS!” when he’s in chilly water, “I’M NEVER LEAVING HERE, THIS EXACT SPOT” when he finds a warm spot, and “THIS FEELS CRAZY YO” when he leans against the bubbly vents on the side of the pool.
  • Terry told the press that Hillary “will do anything she can to help Barack Obama.”

UPDATE: What kind of a party was this after all? She didn’t invite the field hands, writes an knowledgeable insider:

Your Hillary story notes the involvement of an “advance staffer” at the party.

It is a sad but true fact that the advance staff WERE NOT INVITED to this party. Limited space, yadda, yadda, yadda. There are hurt feelings out there.

So much for the hard-working, white Americans.

McAuliffe: Clinton Would Campaign Every Day for Obama [ABC News]
Party at the Clinton’s: Hillary Thanks Her Staff [Fox News]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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82 comments

  1. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    I didn’t get an invite. Not that I expected one since I would never have even considered working on her campaign, but still… did Liz get in with her cam?

  2. WadISay

    Shortly after Mark Penn arrived, all the food disappeared and the lawn was covered in turds the size of Volkswagons.

  3. tunamelt

    Terry told the press that Hillary “will do anything she can to help Barack Obama.”

    …right off a cliff?

  4. SocialList

    [re=9626]Son of Mark Penn[/re]: Surely Barry can make him Secretary of Bad Shirts And Jimmy Buffet Tunes or something…

  5. Gopherit v2.0

    When to the campaign party hate-fucks commence? I heard it looks good for Ickes and Penn to lose their cherries.

  6. obfuscator

    How many Secret Service agents does it take to put a 7 foot meatball sub on a folding table?

    Why do I have the sneaking suspicion that the 500 staffers were kind of bummed to find out at that there was a $30,000 cover charge.

  7. queeraselvis v 2.0

    By eight o’clock, a spit had been erected over the outdoor fire pit and Hillary was last seen roaming the grounds calling, “Harriet! Over here, Harriet!”

  8. Gopherit v2.0

    [re=9637]ReelectTilden[/re]: You could probably mix a pitcher of margaritas in Mark Penn’s belly button.

  9. Tits_LaRue

    Terry McAuliffe is fast becoming the Charles Bukowski of the Democratic Party! Also, I heard the Valets were actually Harold Ickes and Lanny Davis, and somebody screwed up with the caterers and instead of Jordan Almonds, there were crystal bowls of Truck Nutz everywhere.

  10. NebraskashireGentry

    Bill Clinton didn’t give up golf out of solidarity to our troops?

    UNPATRIOTIC!

    and he wonders why his wife lost the nomination.

  11. ManchuCandidate

    [re=9625]WadISay[/re]:
    So did all the water in the pool when Penn did a cannonball.

  12. jagorev

    That boy who sold his bicycle and nintendo so he could donate to Hillary managed to pay for one hummus and pita platter at this party. Hope he feels great now.

    Oh, sorry, I forgot that hummus is something only Barack Hussein Obama would provide. What do hard working white Americans eat? Beef jerky?

  13. metropolitan

    at 2 am when it was too late to get more booze, hillary refused to concede to the facts, would not cancel the booze run and ruined yet another party.
    and it was the sexists fault.

  14. HopeNutz

    [re=9651]jagorev[/re]: Actually, Hillary’s going to try and get Barry to foot the tab for this one.

  15. Tits_LaRue

    [re=9651]jagorev[/re]: What do hard working white Americans eat? Beef jerky?
    …along with CheezWhiz, Pringles, Mountain Dew and Deep-Fried Twinkies.

  16. obfuscator

    I hope Hillary wore crocs at the party.

    I wonder how much time elapsed before someone pushed (or punched) Penn into the pool.

  17. Godless Liberal *

    The “valets” were actually pawn shop owners. Hillary will pay off her campaign debts one way or another, and it would have gone a lot faster if there were more Mercedes among her staffers and fewer Hyundais.

  18. jagorev

    [re=9661]HopeNutz[/re]: Yeah, and I bet he would offer to pick up Hillary’s tab, because he’s such a sexist. OMG, remember the time he pulled out Hillary’s chair for her? What a chauvinist pig.

  19. Inadequate Blackmail

    Dow, S&P and Nasdaq all drop. Unemployment rates spike higher than expected. Oil prices out of control. Sounds like pool party time to me! Cannonball!

  20. jagorev

    [re=9680]Inadequate Blackmail[/re]: Hey, to be fair, it’s not like there’s a damn thing that Hillary can do about it. I work in finance and when the market started to look crazy today, we took the whole team of analysts out for a long, 2-hour barbecue ‘n beer lunch, and now I’m posting on Wonkette because we did no work at all today. Sitting at your desk and panicking doesn’t help at all, the market just goes crazy sometimes.

  21. madirishman

    [re=9654]AxmxZ[/re]: Hunter S. Thompson (God rest his soul) would be offended by your remark. McAuliffe is a freaking amateur! Thompson would trade shots of Wild Turkey with him until McAuliffe was embalmed. After that, Thompson would drop a tab or two of acid, strip-search Hillary, punch out Bill, set fire to the mansion, and then find a typewriter and fire off a 5,000-word article describing the whole sordid bachanal. We need some brave soul to step up and take up the mantle of Hunter S. Thompson!

    American politics: The weasels are in the henhouse, and it’s looking pretty ugly right now!

  22. ronaldpagan

    I got invited, but after learning Bill and Terry were gonna be there, I had to say, “Sorry, Hillary, I have plans.”

    (Another Hillary concession party. In my pants!)

  23. tunamelt

    [re=9643]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: But it was already being used as a wading pool for the staff’s children.

    FYI, the Wonkette Facebook group has reached 62 members and now you can write in if you’d like an officer name or any of that weird stuff.

  24. weirdiowasculpture

    I’m gonna miss having Chelsea on the national stage again. That pouty look, those perpetually surprised looking eyes. I so wanna doggy her . . .

  25. blogfather

    And once Hillary passed out, Terry McAuliffe and various staffers took turns teabagging her and putting hot-dogs in her hand. Then to top it off of course the magic marker mustache. They figured the classic shaving cream in hand was too elitist, so they just dipped her hand in warm water.

  26. Inadequate Blackmail

    [re=9681]jagorev[/re]: I reserve my God-given American right to blame anyone for anything at anytime, rational thought be damned.

    Kenny Rogers sold this country to the Japanese. You heard it here first.

  27. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Chelsea appeared for three seconds, before flying to Texas.

    I forget, is that slang for “Did a lot of Blow,” or “Started an Orgy”?

  28. Whiskeybaby

    [re=9691]tunamelt[/re]: There are 69 members now…hehehe. Geddit?!! Don’t anyone else join or we’ll be left with no sexual innuendos…

  29. metropolitan

    [re=9691]tunamelt[/re]:
    wonkette facebook group?
    but if join people will realize i’m a guy who spends too much time reading on the internet and not some gorgeous big boobed babe as i’ve told all of you so you would find my jokes funny.

  30. Mr. Herpes

    Oh it was a very selective list of people invited. People WHO FAILED AMERICA! WHO FAILED BILL! DRINK THAT DAMN KOOL-AID M*****F*****! YES! YOU DESERVE TO DIE! I HAD TO LOAN MYSELF MONEY, YOU LAZY BASTARDS. NOW GET DOWN ON THE GROUND LIKE VINCE AND TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!…..sorry. I’ll stop drinking coffee now. . I’m sure the party was nicer than that.

  31. ronaldpagan

    [re=9692]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: She is, after all, the White House dog. According to Rush.

  32. ManchuCandidate

    Hillary: We’re adding a little something to the end of this primary. As you all know, first prize is an invite to a party at my house. Anybody want to see second prize?
    [Holds up prize]
    Second prize is a thanks card. Third prize is you’re fired.

  33. RuperttheBear

    [re=9692]weirdiowasculpture[/re]: She’s more a reverse cowboy, with the hair.

    Sorry. Awkward moment.

  34. HerExcellency

    [re=9691]tunamelt[/re]: This whole facebook group thing makes me feel dirty. I keep looking at it, but I refuse to join because facebook is a form of communication I reserve for people who already know exactly how much of a loser I am.

  35. ronaldpagan

    [re=9691]tunamelt[/re]: Whoa! I had no idea such a big portion of Wonkette is female! I want to join but I’m kind of scared to…I recently admitted to a friend that I commented on Wonkette, and now he realizes exactly how much time I have on my hands.

  36. tunamelt

    [re=9714]HerExcellency[/re]: I forgot why, but yesterday I searched “Wonkette” on Facebook and found it, with only 3 members, and decided to pimp it out like a two diamond whore.

  37. Merkin

    Those that didn’t get in can always join the raucous party that is the Obama campaign’s national LGBT conference call (currently underway).

  38. Vanity Smurf

    Was there a sign hanging on the front gate that said, “Out by the cement pond?”

  39. ronaldpagan

    [re=9714]HerExcellency[/re]: For me it’s the opposite. Wonkette and Jezebel are for the people who know exactly how much of a loser I am. Facebook is for the ones who know that I’m smoking a cigarette at any given moment in time.

  40. Lascauxcaveman

    [re=9635]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: When to the campaign party hate-fucks commence? I heard it looks good for Ickes and Penn to lose their cherries.

    Er, frankly, I just don’t see that happening.

    OH! You mean with each other.

  41. ronaldpagan

    Hillary has enough friends left that she couldn’t invite all of them? Who knew?

  42. ronaldpagan

    Not to be all misodge about it, but I hope this doesn’t mean more pictures of Hillary or Bill in their swimsuits.

  43. HerExcellency

    [re=9719]ronaldpagan[/re]: Facebook is for the people I feel comfortable enough with to allow them to mock my taste in music, movies, books, friends, ex-boyfriends, groups, drunken pictures, jobs, and educational shortcomings.

  44. anabellum

    [re=9636]obfuscator[/re]: How many Secret Service agents does it take to put a 7 foot meatball sub on a folding table?

    heaven forbid…Hillary has several ‘inadequate black men’ for the heavy lifting chores…

  45. polar_bear

    Getting together everyone that failed, individually and collectively, for one last communal celebration of their national unworthiness really must make an exciting evening.

    “So what are you up to now?”
    “Looking for a job.”
    “Yea, me too! I love failure parties!”

    I guess I can’t be all that critical, however. Most of the parties I’ve ever had or attended could also be described as “failure parties”.

  46. ronaldpagan

    [re=9733]Destonio[/re]: Beautiful! What do you think the playlist is gonna be like at the Clinton party? “The End”, obv.

  47. tunamelt

    [re=9737]ronaldpagan[/re]: “Fred Jones Part 2″ by Ben Folds.

    Fred sits alone at his desk in the dark
    There’s an awkward young shadow that waits in the hall
    He’s cleared all his things and he’s put them in boxes
    Things that remind him: ‘Life has been good’
    Twenty-five years
    He’s worked at the paper
    A man’s here to take him downstairs
    And I’m sorry, Mr. Jones
    It’s time

  48. cactusflinthead

    Why did Terry come back with that weak ass Gold Rum? 151 Boudreaux, I wanted to see Mika hack.

  49. scotterl

    Terry floating in tube in pool with 1/5 of rum, “Since Hillz won’t get obliterate Iran, let’s just get obbbbliterated…”

  50. smashtheduck

    Will this post be updated once someone calls the cops re the drunk naked chic running down the street belting “It’s My Party”?

  51. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=9729]HerExcellency[/re]: I suppose tracing me to my Facebook profile would be pretty easy for someone who gave a shit about me. Fortunately, so few do. (However, if I wake up one day with “krazed LEsbian Republecan-fukking AbOrtion-loving alkoholik SLUT” spray-painted on my garage door, I’ll know that someone DID, in fact, read all my Wonkette AND Jezebel posts.

    The idea of a political failure policy that does not end in everyone drunkenly weeping and then making out… it just ain’t right.

  52. donner_froh

    [re=9681]jagorev[/re]:
    Sitting at your desk and panicking doesn’t help at all

    Panic does help the time pass a little faster.

  53. S.Luggo

    [re=9682]Paultardville[/re]: When Goodyear Tire has found a way to turn blimp fabric into a homo-erotic, yet stylish, summer use. (Still in development. Disney-Europe claims copyright and patent rights, at least until certain rulings are cleared up from the Nuremberg Trials about the Night of the Long Knives. Such is the burden of history with which we all must live.)

  54. NotUrEvryDayWEzl

    [re=9731]josereyes.theroof[/re]: except none of those elitist types would actually go anywhere remotely near those steps… too many drunk college-types, i.e., congressional interns that they you never want to see outside of work (or in my case, ever).

  55. Sabre_Justice

    [re=9875]Destonio[/re]: No, us gamers are saving that one for Jack Thompson’s institutionalisation.

  56. masterdebater

    I kept telling him, “Terry, get some Ron Del Barillito. That bad rum you keep bringing is ruining the party”, but NO, he has to keep showing up with that crap. You just can’t help some people. If that is your taste in booze, you deserve to lose. Go cry in your bad rum, Hillary supporters. I mean, what else could explain turning a celebration into a going away party? The rest of the campaign was PERFECT!

Comments are closed.