Wonkette
This didn’t actually happen today in history, but we’ve been thinking about it ever since Barack Obama got his “whoopin’ stick,” yesterday, because we keep imagining how cool it would be if Obama did this to Joe Lieberman. Here’s how the official U.S. Senate website puts it: “On May 22, 1856, the ‘world’s greatest deliberative body’ became a combat zone. In one of the most dramatic and deeply ominous moments in the Senate’s entire history, a member of the House of Representatives entered the Senate chamber and savagely beat a senator into unconsciousness.”
Ha ha, the Senate’s own website puts “world’s greatest deliberative body” in scare quotes.
So why did this savage beating go down in the so-called “world’s greatest deliberative body”?
As usual in this goddamned country, it comes down to racism, and slavery.
Back in the day, the Republicans were the anti-slavery party, while the Democrats were all Southern slave owners. (Eventually, thanks to Civil Rights and the “Nixon Strategy,” Southern Democrats turned into “Republicans” who were scared to death of the Negro. These bitter people are now called “Hillary supporters” or “Zell Miller.”)
Anyway, Senator Charles Sumner of Massachusetts — an anti-slavery liberal Republican — was on the Senate floor one day ranting about how pro-slavery Senator Andrew Butler of South Carolina was a loathsome, whoring scumbag. Congressman Preston Brooks, also of South Carolina and, obviously, a blood relative of Butler’s, saw this outrage on C-SPAN and quickly ran over to the Senate and beat the shit out of Sumner, with a walking cane.
Moving quickly, Brooks slammed his metal-topped cane onto the unsuspecting Sumner’s head. As Brooks struck again and again, Sumner rose and lurched blindly about the chamber, futilely attempting to protect himself. After a very long minute, it ended.
Bleeding profusely, Sumner was carried away. Brooks walked calmly out of the chamber without being detained by the stunned onlookers. Overnight, both men became heroes in their respective regions.
The Caning of Senator Charles Sumner [U.S. Senate]
That’s a paddlin’.
Ugh…a proud moment for my family. ..asshats all..
Ahhhh, the good old days when most Senators were just loathsome, whoring scumbags and not pet shop boys of multi-national corporations.
Normal liberal whitewash of history. I have two questions:
Anyway, Senator Charles Sumner of Massachusetts — an anti-slavery liberal Republican
Why didn’t you mention that he was also gay and married?
pro-slavery Senator Andrew Butler of South Carolina was a loathsome, whoring scumbag. Congressman Preston Brooks, also of South Carolina and, obviously, a blood relative of Butler’s
And why didn’t you mention that they were both ancestors of Dick Cheney?
because we keep imagining how cool it would be if Obama did this to Joe Lieberman.
I also thought it would be cool if he did it to Hillary, but I have a feeling she might like it.
…didn’t John McCain break-up that fight?
Obama should call that stick “The Decider.”
Man, C-SPAN has been riding that horse since Johnny McCain was flying a Sopwith Camel and being shot down by spear wielding Luo tribesmen. And there has not been a decent caning like that since. Face it, it is NASCAR sans wrecks. I mean before the Sumner caning, the only thing exciting on C-SPAN was when a middle-aged Johnny McCain fell out of the Pterodactyl he was piloting. He claims to have been “shot down.” But as projectile weapons or homonids had not arrived…
I was really excited when I read the like as “The Caning of Senator Charles Schumer. So much for wishful thinking.
iIn any case, it’s nice to see we’ve evolved from caning to “sternly worded memo”ing. It works so much better.
AxmxZ: …nah, I like “The Fili-BUSTER” even better!
I thought, until I re-read it, that it read “Senator Charles Schumer” instead of what it actually said, and my brain really struggled to figure out what the elaborate joke was, and when the punchline was coming.
As I’ve said before, personal violence isn’t really in the etiquette of today’s senate, but a good wedgie of the waistband-up-to-the-ears variety never did lasting damage. Except to pride (and perhaps a bit of testicular flattening). Also: humiliation followed by Youtubes publication.
pfft…. Everybody knows that Hillz went back in time and freed the slaves. This whole “abolitionist” whitewash is just another example of the media trying to ignore the sixty three billion voters that clearly stated they want Hillary Clinton to be their God.
I’m sorry, but perhaps I’m missing something: Doesn’t EVERYONE want to beat at least one congresscritter at least once a day?
Next, please tell us about the time when Hillary got “whupped by an ugly stick”!
AngryBlakGuy: He actually had developed old-man arthritis by then, which left him helpless in his seat.
Hasn’t Lieberman been “lurching blindly” through his entire career? I think that’s how he ended up with McCain’s dick in his hands.
I love the image of Joe Lieberman; teeth snapped off, nose bashed in, left eye swollen shut, gash that almost merits a state park on the forehead; crawling away from Obama and the Democrats only to be rejected by the Republicans for being a pussy and losing a physical confrontation.
Tits_LaRue: Nah, you only end up as McCain’s fluffer if you have a beer fortune or low self-esteem. Or both.
I love the way the Seoul Brothers do it. Watch to the end.
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-8220814619190608653&q=fighting+korean+parliament&ei=jXZJSKubGIvqrQLNt9GeDA
I’d like to see Obama backhand Trent Lott across the Senate floor, then abscond w/ his wig.
This is where I was hoping the whole Gov. Jesse Ventura thing was headed.
Tits_LaRue: Hasn’t Lieberman been “lurching blindly” through his entire career? I think that’s how he ended up with McCain’s dick in his
handsmouth.FTFY, you’re welcome.
Maybe the Senate could do the same thing with beatings that they did with filibusters: just pretend to have them. So, with a sixty-vote majority they could pass a resolution to administer a beating to, say, Larry Craig. And then he could keep his seat and be a hero to closeted gays everywhere.
So Obama’s going to sacrifice Liberman to Allah? Is that right?
Well, Rep. Heath Ledger (D-NC) tried to throw Barry a walking stick, but it went about 30 yards wide and wound up in the gallery.
Tits_LaRue: Lieberman has a dick? He always seemed pretty dickless to me.
It wouldn’t work today. Butler beat Sumner senseless. Crazy Joe (Nutjob-CT) has no sense. Obama would have to beat some sense into crazy Joe. So far, the “Senator” from the Nutmeg State seems impervious.
How about “The Closing Gavel” for the stick? Sounds like a wrestling move.
Well, Rep. Heath
LedgerShuler (D-NC) tried to throw Barry a walking stick, but it went about 30 yards wide and wound up in the gallery.AngryBlakGuy: No, he was outside wandering the halls. This only being during his first term, he still didn’t know where the bathroom was.
Heh! Jumped him from behind, eh? Southern chivalry in a nut
sackshell.And in re Obama’s new “walkign stick”: that’s no cane, that’s a “knobkerrie” if I ever saw one.
I remember learning this in history class, in 9th grade, and the teacher used visual aids! He brought a giant cane in and started flailing it about and shouting. In retrospect, I realize he was a total geek, a weirdo obsessed with the Civil War who was a reenactor (for the North) in his spare time, but that lesson sure made an impression and stuck in my head (much like the cane, I suppose).
Wait. You mean there are Congressvolk who aren’t lying, whoring scumbags?
V572625694: This would probably be an improvement on the filibuster. At least after a beating they might get something done.
mookworthjwilson: This being his first term, there was no toilet - just an outhouse.
nhunter: or maybe a rungu
My vision is more like Cyrus from “The Warriors”.
Caannnnn yooooou diiig it! Whack!
The mini-history should have mentioned my favorite detail: Southern supporters sent barrell-loads of canes to Brooks in support of his near murder of a Senator.
As far as Joe “Droopy Dog” Lieberman goes, I’d prefer for him to be pelted with trucknutz.
In my humble opinion, the “world’s greatest deliberative body” is still Laura Logan.
It’s the return of old school politics. Duels at dawn over military appropriation bills, a good old fashioned tar & feathering for the next Senator caught opposing gay marriage while accepting anonymous bjs in the men’s room. CSPAN would be rated TV-MA for violence, and would be significantly spiced up by the addition of statements like: You, SIR or MADAM, are a no-good scallywag!
It will be AWESOME.
McCain was only the junior Senator from South Walloon (recently acquired from Mexico in the Gadsden Purchase) back in those days.
Gopherit v2.0: Me too! I really thought I read that. Must be too stoned.
soymocha: Trenty? He be long gone from the Senate. Please forward all his mail to K-Street. He and Dennis Hastert are raking in the big coin by giving rim-jobs in the Starbucks men’s room.
It bears mentioning that people in Florida were so proud of Rep. Brooks for beating the living piss out of a “gawddamn Yankee” that the city of Brooksville in Hernando County was named for him. What a legacy! (If you’ve ever been there, you’ll know what I mean… hey, once you get used to the smell of the Masaryktown rendering plant, you’ll wonder how you ever lived without it.)
Things went from bad to worse for the Senator when, April 1861, South Carolina bombarded his island fort. Following that, Lincoln declared war on Japan. And all because of an itty-bitty cane.
S.Luggo: Yeah, it’s been one of those days. The minute I hit “submit”, it occurred to me that my wish, while still valid, would have to take place somewhere other than the Senate floor. So, to restate, I hope Obama backhands Trent Lott anytime the opportunity presents itself. Thanks for the nudge, though, b/c you’re right.
Robert Byrd wrote the above eyewitness account of the beating.
And Strom Thurmond said nothing.
Yay, validation of what I use for a sense of humor: http://wonkette.com/400254/barack-obama-now-threatening-congress-with-old-mans-maple-stick#comment-8556
May history repeat itself.
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