TOP  3:04 pm June 5, 2008


by Sara K. Smith

How could you say no to this handsome mug?
Democrat John Kerry and Republican John McCain have a lot in common: the name John, the Vietnam War, and their insanely wealthy, animatronic wives. So it’s only natural that Kerry tried mightily to get McCain to join his awesome losing team in 2004, theorizing that a warmongering Republican veep candidate would really get Democrats pumped. Thanks to highly placed Wonkette publishing spy “Matt,” who got an advance copy of Paul Alexander’s new book about Karl Rove, Machiavelli’s Shadow, Americans can know the Truth about what went down between Senator Longface and Senator Grumpus. Shocking excerpt after the jump.

For his vice presidential running mate, Kerry wanted to select a Republican, and not just any Republican, but John McCain, the man whom Rove had slandered in the 2000 primary season in order to win the nomination for Bush.

To get McCain to join the ticket, Kerry began an all-out behind-the-scenes campaign to convince him it was in the best interests of the country for him to run as his vice president. Kerry approached McCain on more than one occasion and asked him, without making the offer directly, what McCain would do if Kerry were to ask him officially to consider being his running mate. McCain’s answer was always the same. He was not interested in going on the ticket with Kerry. At one point Kerry even offered to create a hybrid position of vice president and secretary of state as a way to make the position more powerful, and potentially more appealing. But the answer was still no. According to a source, Kerry went so far as to telephone Cindy McCain to see if she would lobby her husband.

But Cindy McCain said no and Kerry called her a cunt, and that was pretty much the end of that.

KARL’S “SHADOW” [New York Post]
Machiavelli’s Shadow: The Rise and Fall of Karl Rove []

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Advocatus_Diaboli June 5, 2008 at 3:09 pm

Just another reason to hate the demorats.

Hey Kerry, by the way, have I told you to go fuck yourself recently? You should’ve conceded Ohio earlier, you anus.

weaselplasty June 5, 2008 at 3:10 pm

oh, kerry. you took the difficult route. you should have started and ended each conversation with “my friend.” that would have brought him on board.

shortsshortsshorts June 5, 2008 at 3:11 pm

Frankenstein was a Republican all along? Hmmmm….

blowhard June 5, 2008 at 3:11 pm

That wasn’t an invitation to join the ticket. It was a botched joke.

MoodProcessor June 5, 2008 at 3:15 pm

That picture looks like he’s perfoming unpleasant surgery on a large animatronic elephant.
Or something…
John Kerry. Carnival Proctologist. At Large.

AngryBlakGuy June 5, 2008 at 3:16 pm

…so John Edward excepted SLOPPY SECONDS!?

RaptorAvatar June 5, 2008 at 3:16 pm

I always thought that we simply didn’t care enough to win in 04′, Now it’s pretty clear that we just deserved to lose.

PeteJayhawk v2.0 June 5, 2008 at 3:16 pm

Just when I thought that Kerry’s campaign couldn’t have been more pathetic…

Paultardville June 5, 2008 at 3:17 pm

To be fair, he was for having McCain on the ticket before he was against it.

SloppyCronkite June 5, 2008 at 3:20 pm

Maybe he just wanted to have a hot threesome with Cindy and WALNUTS!

Domestic Goddess June 5, 2008 at 3:20 pm

Yet another reason not to trust windsurfers. They are always pushed along by the biggest wind.

Tawmn June 5, 2008 at 3:20 pm

He is shown here courting the ever-important Oompa Loompa vote.

Mabalz Izhari June 5, 2008 at 3:20 pm

That’s exactly what those astronaut space-turds look like!

Vanity Smurf June 5, 2008 at 3:22 pm

Now Kerry realizes that he should have called Cindy a cunt.

EnBuenOra June 5, 2008 at 3:23 pm

The Vice President of State? The Secretary of Vice State President?

What if Kerry had promised McCain that he could be Fourthbranch, wielder of the most powerful yet unaccountable office in the entire universe?

ManchuCandidate June 5, 2008 at 3:24 pm

I did not want to see John Kerry’s birth photo.

Cicada June 5, 2008 at 3:25 pm

The problem was that Kerry was asking 2000 McCain, not 2008 McCain. He didn’t realize that McCain has attached himself to W’s sphincter like a shit-feeding lamprey around 2002.
Makes me think of all those maroons clamoring for an Obama/Hegel ticket.

Humble Pi June 5, 2008 at 3:27 pm

[re=8327]Mabalz Izhari[/re]: I don’t buy it. Where is the space peanut?

Humble Pi June 5, 2008 at 3:28 pm

[re=8329]EnBuenOra[/re]: The State Secretary of Vice. That would have gotten him on board.

TGY June 5, 2008 at 3:29 pm

John Kerry (aka ‘Treebeard’ from M. Cho) was a Macy’s parade float all along! Who knew? Well, I suppose we could’ve guessed. Hot air, you know.

Vanity Smurf June 5, 2008 at 3:29 pm

Clearly the picture indicates that Kerry is doing his part to keep the intertubes clean and well lubricated.

Imagine42 June 5, 2008 at 3:30 pm

[re=8329]EnBuenOra[/re]: You mean Dick Cheney?

Humble Pi June 5, 2008 at 3:30 pm

John wasn’t lobbying Cindy to lobby the other John, he was trying to pitch Teresa’s new idea: catsup flavored beer. Two great tastes that look great when you puke them up together!

EnBuenOra June 5, 2008 at 3:33 pm

[re=8343]Imagine42[/re]: Exactly. Maybe if Kerry had promised McCain that he too could drunkenly shoot anyone he wanted in the face and then watch his victim apologize for the terrible inconvenience on camera, McCain might have signed up. But there probably would have been a lot of such ‘freak’ hunting accidents with McCain — after he shot, like, the 68th dude in the face, people might start asking questions.

shortsshortsshorts June 5, 2008 at 3:37 pm

[re=8310]blowhard[/re]: …from a man with absolutely no sense of humor.

Tits_LaRue June 5, 2008 at 3:47 pm


I forget… who was Kerry’s running mate in 2004 again… I’m remembering big anthropomorphic bottle of katsup, but that can’t be right?

Edward Bulwer-Lytton June 5, 2008 at 3:48 pm

John Kerry was wearing a human sized condom.

ReelectTilden June 5, 2008 at 3:56 pm

Kerry had Teresa call up McCain to ask him again, but he called her a cunt and told her to go back to Africa.

jagorev June 5, 2008 at 3:57 pm

Talking of bipartisan tickets, is anyone else wetting their panties about the thought of McCain-Lieberman vs. Obama-Hagel?

ReelectTilden June 5, 2008 at 4:02 pm

[re=8398]jagorev[/re]: I’m holding out for McCain-Palin v. Obama-Sebelius. Me-ow!

capitol-hillbilly June 5, 2008 at 4:05 pm

my friend, did that cunt wife of yours happen to mention how awesome it would be for you to be my running mate?

NoWireHangers June 5, 2008 at 4:14 pm

Looks like John is just finishing up WALNUTS! colonoscopy.

iwillsavethispatient June 5, 2008 at 4:18 pm

Presumably Kerry thought he needed to get the illegitimate black baby demographic on board to swing a few extra votes his way? Because, you know, they’d normally tend to Libertarian…

iwillsavethispatient June 5, 2008 at 4:18 pm

[re=8428]NoWireHangers[/re]: Aaaah! Polyps!

Gopherit v2.0 June 5, 2008 at 4:23 pm

[re=8428]NoWireHangers[/re]: I thought he was leaving McCain’s hyperbaric chamber. Shows what I know.

Gopherit v2.0 June 5, 2008 at 4:26 pm

[re=8398]jagorev[/re]: I’m holding out for Obama-Napolitano. She’s sturdy, and will in no way make Michelle worry about Barry getting too close to his running mate. Plus, she’ll take the Arizona vote from WALNUTS!

jagorev June 5, 2008 at 4:28 pm

[re=8459]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Walnuts could rape a donkey live on air while snorting cocaine off Jerry Falwell’s buttcrack, and he would still win Arizona.

PrairiePossum June 5, 2008 at 4:29 pm

I thought that was the space station plumber unclogging the toilet.

bitchincamaro June 5, 2008 at 4:44 pm

I thought it was Human Fabric Softener Man escaping
from my dryer.

SayItWithWookies June 5, 2008 at 5:07 pm

No vehicle with that huge a colostomy bag processing unit can possibly be called the Straight Talk Express.

Bill_TX June 5, 2008 at 5:09 pm

Isn’t that how he won last time?

Dave J. June 5, 2008 at 5:28 pm

Sara–please run that Kerry photo every day, because every time I see it I get even happier that Obama is the nominee this time around. Last time I was pretty much cringing in shame from the convention through the election.

Gopherit v2.0 June 5, 2008 at 5:29 pm

[re=8465]jagorev[/re]: Don’t count on it. Walnuts! has some fans around here, but Janet is worshipped. She’s even managed to be the first female governor re-elected in Arizona, and beat the pants off the Republican challenger.

Gopherit v2.0 June 5, 2008 at 5:31 pm

[re=8465]jagorev[/re]: And why are you making fun of average Saturday night in Holbrook, AZ?

FlipOffResearch June 5, 2008 at 7:15 pm

You think Keryy has a long face. Imagine if he had won. Even if Iraq was going ten times better than it is now (or a tenth as bad), the Limbaughs of this country would have made his life hell. I can hear that fat pill popper “If a real man, a man of character George Bush had won in 2004 we would be out of Iraq by now, and democracy would have swept over the middle east.” So if you think Kerry has a long face now, he would be able to scratch his belly with his chin if he had won.

EnBuenOra June 5, 2008 at 8:06 pm

[re=8652]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Yeah, I can only imagine the circus that a President Kerry would have been with a freakazoid lunatic Republican Congress and Senate.

Servo June 5, 2008 at 8:39 pm

He should’ve asked in McCain’s language….authentic frontier jibberish.

ZagaHuset June 10, 2008 at 5:55 am

How are you right, had not even seen this obvious connection.

Now that is good journalism.

Zaga Bj├Žlkehuse – Denmark

Cymbalbangingmonkeytoy June 13, 2008 at 4:29 pm

“At one point Kerry even offered to create a hybrid position of vice president and secretary of state as a way to make the position more powerful, and potentially more appealing.”

Weird, ’cause this is exactly how Pretzeldunce Bush convinced Darth Cheney to join his company.

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