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How could you say no to this handsome mug?
Democrat John Kerry and Republican John McCain have a lot in common: the name John, the Vietnam War, and their insanely wealthy, animatronic wives. So it’s only natural that Kerry tried mightily to get McCain to join his awesome losing team in 2004, theorizing that a warmongering Republican veep candidate would really get Democrats pumped. Thanks to highly placed Wonkette publishing spy “Matt,” who got an advance copy of Paul Alexander’s new book about Karl Rove, Machiavelli’s Shadow, Americans can know the Truth about what went down between Senator Longface and Senator Grumpus. Shocking excerpt after the jump.

For his vice presidential running mate, Kerry wanted to select a Republican, and not just any Republican, but John McCain, the man whom Rove had slandered in the 2000 primary season in order to win the nomination for Bush.

To get McCain to join the ticket, Kerry began an all-out behind-the-scenes campaign to convince him it was in the best interests of the country for him to run as his vice president. Kerry approached McCain on more than one occasion and asked him, without making the offer directly, what McCain would do if Kerry were to ask him officially to consider being his running mate. McCain’s answer was always the same. He was not interested in going on the ticket with Kerry. At one point Kerry even offered to create a hybrid position of vice president and secretary of state as a way to make the position more powerful, and potentially more appealing. But the answer was still no. According to a source, Kerry went so far as to telephone Cindy McCain to see if she would lobby her husband.

But Cindy McCain said no and Kerry called her a cunt, and that was pretty much the end of that.

KARL’S “SHADOW” [New York Post]
Machiavelli’s Shadow: The Rise and Fall of Karl Rove [Amazon.com]

About the author

Sara K. Smith was Wonkette's morning editor from 2008 to 2010, and now contributes a weekly (?!) column to Wonkette, to prove she still loves you all!

View all articles by Sara K. Smith


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Advocatus_Diaboli

    Just another reason to hate the demorats.

    Hey Kerry, by the way, have I told you to go fuck yourself recently? You should’ve conceded Ohio earlier, you anus.

  • weaselplasty

    oh, kerry. you took the difficult route. you should have started and ended each conversation with “my friend.” that would have brought him on board.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    Frankenstein was a Republican all along? Hmmmm….

  • blowhard

    That wasn’t an invitation to join the ticket. It was a botched joke.

  • MoodProcessor

    That picture looks like he’s perfoming unpleasant surgery on a large animatronic elephant.
    Or something…
    John Kerry. Carnival Proctologist. At Large.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …so John Edward excepted SLOPPY SECONDS!?

  • RaptorAvatar

    I always thought that we simply didn’t care enough to win in 04′, Now it’s pretty clear that we just deserved to lose.

  • PeteJayhawk v2.0

    Just when I thought that Kerry’s campaign couldn’t have been more pathetic…

  • Paultardville

    To be fair, he was for having McCain on the ticket before he was against it.

  • SloppyCronkite

    Maybe he just wanted to have a hot threesome with Cindy and WALNUTS!

  • Domestic Goddess

    Yet another reason not to trust windsurfers. They are always pushed along by the biggest wind.

  • Tawmn

    He is shown here courting the ever-important Oompa Loompa vote.

  • Mabalz Izhari

    That’s exactly what those astronaut space-turds look like!

  • Vanity Smurf

    Now Kerry realizes that he should have called Cindy a cunt.

  • EnBuenOra

    The Vice President of State? The Secretary of Vice State President?

    What if Kerry had promised McCain that he could be Fourthbranch, wielder of the most powerful yet unaccountable office in the entire universe?

  • ManchuCandidate

    I did not want to see John Kerry’s birth photo.

  • Cicada

    The problem was that Kerry was asking 2000 McCain, not 2008 McCain. He didn’t realize that McCain has attached himself to W’s sphincter like a shit-feeding lamprey around 2002.
    Makes me think of all those maroons clamoring for an Obama/Hegel ticket.

  • Humble Pi

    [re=8327]Mabalz Izhari[/re]: I don’t buy it. Where is the space peanut?

  • Humble Pi

    [re=8329]EnBuenOra[/re]: The State Secretary of Vice. That would have gotten him on board.

  • TGY

    John Kerry (aka ‘Treebeard’ from M. Cho) was a Macy’s parade float all along! Who knew? Well, I suppose we could’ve guessed. Hot air, you know.

  • Vanity Smurf

    Clearly the picture indicates that Kerry is doing his part to keep the intertubes clean and well lubricated.

  • Imagine42

    [re=8329]EnBuenOra[/re]: You mean Dick Cheney?

  • Humble Pi

    John wasn’t lobbying Cindy to lobby the other John, he was trying to pitch Teresa’s new idea: catsup flavored beer. Two great tastes that look great when you puke them up together!

  • EnBuenOra

    [re=8343]Imagine42[/re]: Exactly. Maybe if Kerry had promised McCain that he too could drunkenly shoot anyone he wanted in the face and then watch his victim apologize for the terrible inconvenience on camera, McCain might have signed up. But there probably would have been a lot of such ‘freak’ hunting accidents with McCain — after he shot, like, the 68th dude in the face, people might start asking questions.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=8310]blowhard[/re]: …from a man with absolutely no sense of humor.

  • Tits_LaRue


    I forget… who was Kerry’s running mate in 2004 again… I’m remembering big anthropomorphic bottle of katsup, but that can’t be right?

  • Edward Bulwer-Lytton

    John Kerry was wearing a human sized condom.

  • ReelectTilden

    Kerry had Teresa call up McCain to ask him again, but he called her a cunt and told her to go back to Africa.

  • jagorev

    Talking of bipartisan tickets, is anyone else wetting their panties about the thought of McCain-Lieberman vs. Obama-Hagel?

  • ReelectTilden

    [re=8398]jagorev[/re]: I’m holding out for McCain-Palin v. Obama-Sebelius. Me-ow!

  • capitol-hillbilly

    my friend, did that cunt wife of yours happen to mention how awesome it would be for you to be my running mate?

  • NoWireHangers

    Looks like John is just finishing up WALNUTS! colonoscopy.

  • iwillsavethispatient

    Presumably Kerry thought he needed to get the illegitimate black baby demographic on board to swing a few extra votes his way? Because, you know, they’d normally tend to Libertarian…

  • iwillsavethispatient

    [re=8428]NoWireHangers[/re]: Aaaah! Polyps!

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=8428]NoWireHangers[/re]: I thought he was leaving McCain’s hyperbaric chamber. Shows what I know.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=8398]jagorev[/re]: I’m holding out for Obama-Napolitano. She’s sturdy, and will in no way make Michelle worry about Barry getting too close to his running mate. Plus, she’ll take the Arizona vote from WALNUTS!


  • jagorev

    [re=8459]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Walnuts could rape a donkey live on air while snorting cocaine off Jerry Falwell’s buttcrack, and he would still win Arizona.

  • PrairiePossum

    I thought that was the space station plumber unclogging the toilet.

  • bitchincamaro

    I thought it was Human Fabric Softener Man escaping
    from my dryer.

  • SayItWithWookies

    No vehicle with that huge a colostomy bag processing unit can possibly be called the Straight Talk Express.

  • Bill_TX

    Isn’t that how he won last time?

  • Dave J.

    Sara–please run that Kerry photo every day, because every time I see it I get even happier that Obama is the nominee this time around. Last time I was pretty much cringing in shame from the convention through the election.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=8465]jagorev[/re]: Don’t count on it. Walnuts! has some fans around here, but Janet is worshipped. She’s even managed to be the first female governor re-elected in Arizona, and beat the pants off the Republican challenger.

  • Gopherit v2.0

    [re=8465]jagorev[/re]: And why are you making fun of average Saturday night in Holbrook, AZ?

  • FlipOffResearch

    You think Keryy has a long face. Imagine if he had won. Even if Iraq was going ten times better than it is now (or a tenth as bad), the Limbaughs of this country would have made his life hell. I can hear that fat pill popper “If a real man, a man of character George Bush had won in 2004 we would be out of Iraq by now, and democracy would have swept over the middle east.” So if you think Kerry has a long face now, he would be able to scratch his belly with his chin if he had won.

  • EnBuenOra

    [re=8652]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Yeah, I can only imagine the circus that a President Kerry would have been with a freakazoid lunatic Republican Congress and Senate.

  • Servo

    He should’ve asked in McCain’s language….authentic frontier jibberish.

  • ZagaHuset

    How are you right, had not even seen this obvious connection.

    Now that is good journalism.

    Zaga Bj├Žlkehuse – Denmark

  • Cymbalbangingmonkeytoy

    “At one point Kerry even offered to create a hybrid position of vice president and secretary of state as a way to make the position more powerful, and potentially more appealing.”

    Weird, ’cause this is exactly how Pretzeldunce Bush convinced Darth Cheney to join his company.