How could you say no to this handsome mug?
Democrat John Kerry and Republican John McCain have a lot in common: the name John, the Vietnam War, and their insanely wealthy, animatronic wives. So it’s only natural that Kerry tried mightily to get McCain to join his awesome losing team in 2004, theorizing that a warmongering Republican veep candidate would really get Democrats pumped. Thanks to highly placed Wonkette publishing spy “Matt,” who got an advance copy of Paul Alexander’s new book about Karl Rove, Machiavelli’s Shadow, Americans can know the Truth about what went down between Senator Longface and Senator Grumpus. Shocking excerpt after the jump.

For his vice presidential running mate, Kerry wanted to select a Republican, and not just any Republican, but John McCain, the man whom Rove had slandered in the 2000 primary season in order to win the nomination for Bush.

To get McCain to join the ticket, Kerry began an all-out behind-the-scenes campaign to convince him it was in the best interests of the country for him to run as his vice president. Kerry approached McCain on more than one occasion and asked him, without making the offer directly, what McCain would do if Kerry were to ask him officially to consider being his running mate. McCain’s answer was always the same. He was not interested in going on the ticket with Kerry. At one point Kerry even offered to create a hybrid position of vice president and secretary of state as a way to make the position more powerful, and potentially more appealing. But the answer was still no. According to a source, Kerry went so far as to telephone Cindy McCain to see if she would lobby her husband.

But Cindy McCain said no and Kerry called her a cunt, and that was pretty much the end of that.

KARL’S “SHADOW” [New York Post]
Machiavelli’s Shadow: The Rise and Fall of Karl Rove []

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  1. oh, kerry. you took the difficult route. you should have started and ended each conversation with “my friend.” that would have brought him on board.

  2. That picture looks like he’s perfoming unpleasant surgery on a large animatronic elephant.
    Or something…
    John Kerry. Carnival Proctologist. At Large.

  3. I always thought that we simply didn’t care enough to win in 04′, Now it’s pretty clear that we just deserved to lose.

  4. The Vice President of State? The Secretary of Vice State President?

    What if Kerry had promised McCain that he could be Fourthbranch, wielder of the most powerful yet unaccountable office in the entire universe?

  5. The problem was that Kerry was asking 2000 McCain, not 2008 McCain. He didn’t realize that McCain has attached himself to W’s sphincter like a shit-feeding lamprey around 2002.
    Makes me think of all those maroons clamoring for an Obama/Hegel ticket.

  6. John Kerry (aka ‘Treebeard’ from M. Cho) was a Macy’s parade float all along! Who knew? Well, I suppose we could’ve guessed. Hot air, you know.

  7. John wasn’t lobbying Cindy to lobby the other John, he was trying to pitch Teresa’s new idea: catsup flavored beer. Two great tastes that look great when you puke them up together!

  8. [re=8343]Imagine42[/re]: Exactly. Maybe if Kerry had promised McCain that he too could drunkenly shoot anyone he wanted in the face and then watch his victim apologize for the terrible inconvenience on camera, McCain might have signed up. But there probably would have been a lot of such ‘freak’ hunting accidents with McCain — after he shot, like, the 68th dude in the face, people might start asking questions.

  9. Huh.

    I forget… who was Kerry’s running mate in 2004 again… I’m remembering big anthropomorphic bottle of katsup, but that can’t be right?

  10. Presumably Kerry thought he needed to get the illegitimate black baby demographic on board to swing a few extra votes his way? Because, you know, they’d normally tend to Libertarian…

  11. [re=8459]Gopherit v2.0[/re]: Walnuts could rape a donkey live on air while snorting cocaine off Jerry Falwell’s buttcrack, and he would still win Arizona.

  12. Sara–please run that Kerry photo every day, because every time I see it I get even happier that Obama is the nominee this time around. Last time I was pretty much cringing in shame from the convention through the election.

  13. [re=8465]jagorev[/re]: Don’t count on it. Walnuts! has some fans around here, but Janet is worshipped. She’s even managed to be the first female governor re-elected in Arizona, and beat the pants off the Republican challenger.

  14. You think Keryy has a long face. Imagine if he had won. Even if Iraq was going ten times better than it is now (or a tenth as bad), the Limbaughs of this country would have made his life hell. I can hear that fat pill popper “If a real man, a man of character George Bush had won in 2004 we would be out of Iraq by now, and democracy would have swept over the middle east.” So if you think Kerry has a long face now, he would be able to scratch his belly with his chin if he had won.

  15. [re=8652]FlipOffResearch[/re]: Yeah, I can only imagine the circus that a President Kerry would have been with a freakazoid lunatic Republican Congress and Senate.

  16. “At one point Kerry even offered to create a hybrid position of vice president and secretary of state as a way to make the position more powerful, and potentially more appealing.”

    Weird, ’cause this is exactly how Pretzeldunce Bush convinced Darth Cheney to join his company.

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