Now that Hillary is “out,” we will devote our full attention towards getting Mitt Romney on the Republican ticket and saving humor forever! And it looks like progress is being made on that front, according to Time‘s Mark Halperin, who knows these terrible things.

“The big surprise has been the bond developing between McCain and onetime rival Mitt Romney. As a competitor, the former Massachusetts governor clearly irritated McCain, but observers say the two now get along famously, with one insider terming them ‘alpha males’ who have moved past their earlier conflicts. One source says that while a group of vice-presidential contenders were enjoying adult beverages recently at McCain’s Arizona ranch, the host went out of his way to offer the teetotaling Romney some coffee. Mormons don’t drink coffee either, but the gesture was noted.”

Silly Mark Halperin, John McCain obviously knew that Mitt considered coffee an “adult beverage” as well, so he really just “went out of his way” to mock him, like an asshole. But still! Friends!

OK, good, there’s momentum now for this to happen, so let’s show our hand: Your associate editor will contribute $30 to the John McCain Campaign if WALNUTS! selects Mittens, that majestic hybrid of transparent slime and utter harmlessness, as his vice president. No — $32!

(And then it will be billed to Ken Layne!)

Parsing the Veepstakes [The Page]

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  1. Yeah, an Arizona Senator who knows nothing about Mormons. McCain was just punking Romney. Romney’ll get
    the last laugh when the presumptive nominee up and dies before the convention.

  2. I read in the medical report for McCain that he went to the doctors office with his young wife and the doctor asked for a sperm sample, urine sample and a stool sample.

    McCain couldn’t hear what the doctor said and asked his wife what he said. His wife yelled into his ear, “He needs one of your used diapers!”

  3. McCain/Romney would be a dream ticket as far as I’m concerned. Watching McCain having to pretend to like Mittens, watching that vein on his forehead throb and his teeth grinding whenever Romney spoke. Oh, that would be sweet!

  4. I would want to root for this ticket, for the hilarity, but both the desire to have control over my uterus and a love of casual sex, creates a sincere fear of the possibility of this ticket succeeding.

  5. I’m supporting Cal Thomas for the vice-presidential nomination.

    Only Cal, the greatest living American, had the courage to observe Barack and Michelle’s fist-bump Tuesday night and call it what it really is: “Hezbollah style fist-jabbing”!

    It’s no surprise that that in this Muslim-controlled media environment this insight was mysteriously edited out of this article afterward, but it has been thankfully immortalized in the comments section below:

    Down with Mitt! Cal Thomas thinks one wife is enough, thank you very much!

  6. Oh, hey, yeah, this is like how WALNUTS! got along famously with W until he stabbed him in the back to distance himself for his campaign. John McCain: kiss you or kill you, there’s no other option. WALNUTS STABNATION!

    Funny how the Straight Talk Express can take drive down many roads at once.

  7. …the NEVER ending reel of “flip-flops” will give Democratic 527’s groups enough material to start their own channel on cable.

  8. Oh, lord, get these two a room. If ever a couple of flip-flopping pandas were meant for each other.

    Mitt: I’m the top. I’ve always been a top.

    WALNUTS!: I’m a bottom, bitch.

    Mitt: I’m a bottom, I’ve always been a bottom.

    WALNUTS!: Fuck you, trollop cunt, I’m a top.

  9. I’ve got the new theme song for the Yawntastic Duo:

    We Love London
    We Hate France
    Romney’s Magic Underpants!
    Are They Blue Or Are They Pink?
    I Don’t Know But McCain’s Diapers Stink!

    Yes, I know, this is not Age and/or Crazy Space Cult Religion Transcendence…

  10. OMG–this is the first time I’ve been able to log back onto the new Wonkette. I shall now be banned for shouting out Tourette’s-like with absolutely no relevance to this post.

    Give a wide stance, the romance is back.

  11. This sounds like a win-win propostion for both of them. If they lose the election, they can always pitch themselves as next summer blockbuster buddy cop duo. Although, McCain might have trouble adjusting this radical new development of the talking picture…

  12. Great. Thanks. I’d just stopped waking up nights in a cold sweat at the thought that someone as effin’ scary as Mittens might actually get the Republican nomination.

  13. It seems that Cal has gone back and done some editing. The references to Barack and Michelle’s “Hezbollah style fist-jabbing” fist-bump Tuesday night has disappeared. The only references to it are in the comments section now. Way to stand by your story, Cal. Ass.

  14. Great, Jim. Now I’ll have to contribute $32 each to Ron Paul’s campaign and Ralph Nader’s campaign, just to cancel you out.

  15. I pledge $100 if McCain picks Mittens as VEEP. And if Mittens promises to go back to Florida and stand around awkwardly with a bunch of black people making incomprehensible “who let the dogs out” jokes with a frozen smile and a look in his eyes that says “Please Mormon Jesus don’t let them rape me,” I’ll make it $200.

  16. [re=8292]RacerMex[/re]: Thanks. I just imagined WALNUTS and Mittens at a Girl Scout Meeting.

    Mittens: “You can be my wingman any time . . .”

  17. [re=8279]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: WALNUTS! has to be whipped and caged like Romney’s Irish Setter (since Vietnam is the only place he feels emotionally safe) in order to even get hard.

  18. There is an actual Mormon cookbook called “Green Jello, Funeral Potatoes and Other Secret Combinations”. Good times are in store for the next White House chef if this douche-deuce gets in.

  19. [re=8248]StuckBetweenStations[/re]: ay-oooh!

    maybe its just me but i really can’t imagine a more awkward fireside-chat pairing than walnuts! and mittens.

  20. Actually, ‘alpha males’ is somewhat appropriate. I’ve always associated McAncient with a chest-thumping silverback.

    As for adult beverages, doesn’t Cindy’s distributorship handle the Ensure account?

  21. [re=8331]Imagine42[/re]: no, ’cause that would be friggin’ hilarious. much like my beloved “mclaughlin group.” with romney and mccain, only one would be drunk, which seems more abusive than funny.

  22. [re=8269]AngryBlakGuy[/re]: Hey, you can’t blame McCain for his yellow teeth. It’s really hard to whiten those wooden dentures!

    I would love to see Mittens and McNasty against that lovely lime-jello green backdrop his campaign is rockin’.
    Mittens would be the carrot to McNasty’s cottage cheese.

  23. As a competitor, the former Massachusetts governor clearly irritated McCain, but…

    If McCain is going to eliminate everyone who ever irritated him, the only running mates left are going to be slutty lady lobbyists.

  24. [re=8342]weaselplasty[/re]: god I love the McLaughlin group:
    “Who would make a better President: Obama or McCain?”
    “I think McCain would….”
    WRONG! Obama will be a better President! BYE-BYE!

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