Wonkette
John McCain is the graduate of a swank prep school, the scion of America’s most distinguished Naval dynasty, and the husband of a multimillionaire beer heiress. This is why he sells “divot tools” to raise money for his presidential campaign, because only an elitist would even know what a fucking divot tool is. Thanks to Working-Class Wonkette Operative “More Bitterer” for bringing this to our attention. [McCain Store]
John McCain IS a divot tool…a big divot tool…
What the fuck is that?
I know what a fucking divot tool is; I also golf with beat-up secondhand clubs, and usually finish off a 12-pack of Miller Lite and a pack of Camel Lights while I’m out on the course. If that’s elitism, then fuck yeah I’m an elitist.
“Drain your cheek-sac quickly and effectively!”
It looks like a double-headed dildo for a midget.
PeteJayhawk v2.0: Elitist.
mookworthjwilson: And I’d gladly take my clubs to him.
Divot tools are in the same category as polyesther ties and summer-camp ashtrays…..good gifts for father’s day that instantly disappear into the junk drawer never to be seen again.
Let’s hope that’s the fate of the McCain campaign…..
Godless Liberal *: That hangs from his Prince Albert.
PeteJayhawk v2.0: Camel Lights are well known to be the cigarettes of elitists…real hard working whites work hard on their lung cancer and don’t smoke filters, ie Lucky Strikes or regular Camels…hard working blacks of course take Newports and cut the filters off.
I like the fact that you can take the logo off after McCain is thoroughly thrashed and beaten in the campaign, so you can keep using the tool without the embarrassment of divulging to all your friends that you backed the lamest candidate ever in 2008.
And don’t forget his ‘Sportsmen for McCain Hat’ that you can wear while your shooting Bambi!
Behold. The definitive proof that Hillary will be McCain’s veep:
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=BTR2345
I say, good sir, where are the McCain polo mallets?
I this the most awesome bit of Kitsch to come around in the last 5 years or so?:
http://store.johnmccain.com/v/vspfiles/photos/BTR2372-2.jpg
Serolf Divad: Well, it’s a ball marker. You put it right behind the ball(s) when you take them off so that the other plays have an unobstructed shot at the hole.
nothing says happy father’s day like an official McCain 08 Butt Plug !
I’m seriously elitist, and I have NO fucking clue what a divot tool is. On the other hand, I do love arugula - it beats lettuce in a sandwich any day.
So I guess I’ll be voting for Obama.
Darehead: Wait, so he’s co-opting both Hillary and Obama’s slogans now? Does this campaign have any original ideas?
Darehead: That looks like something Bob Dole should be using in his Viagra commercials. Oooooh, Bob Dole for McCain’s veep! Americans for Senior Moments!
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Your description makes it sound like a filthy porn fetish.
Meh. Golf’s not as elitist as it once was. I learned to play on the public courses of Philadelphia and there were plenty of bitters there. Now, windsurfing, on the other hand…
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: *Players
And yes, golf is the dirty dirty sport of elitist sexual miscreants. I’d get one for my father, but I don’t want to end up on some McCain mailing list, or inadvertently look like I”m supporting his campaign.
…do people use divot tools SO often that they would actually need to put in on their key chain?
Paultardville:
Steal from Barry: Change We Can Believe in == A Leader We Can Believe In: He changed “change” to “a leader” and adopted 2001 other slogans on change
Steel from Hillary: Ready From Day One == Ready From Day One
Zero words changed….
He’s also going to play the “experienced” card, and we now see he’s using this silly divot thing to show he’s non-elitist.
Expect him to say “Shame on you, Barack Obama,” and start wearing primary-colored pantsuits any day now….
Sometimes, I feel like such a divot, but sometimes I don’t.
Sara K. Smith: big sale on truck nutz
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: So Cindy uses it to stimulate McCain’s taint?
I might get one if he delivered from his fancy navy jet. Or a beer truck, I guess.
Oh, and he’d have to be carrying the swag in his cheek-pouches like a friggin squirrel.
Otherwise, fuck elitism and order me another round of teh bitterz.
PeteJayhawk v2.0: If McCain’s site were to sell TruckWALNUTZ, I could finally stop looking for a Father’s Day gift.
There are McCain lanyards too.
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=LYR3028
…what next official John McCain “Tiddley Winks”?
Good work Walnuts! At $25 a pop, all you have to do is sell 7 million more of those gold-plated denture pickers and by November Obama’s $175 million cash advantage will be gone…as long as he also agrees to stop all fundraising from this day forward. Let the negotiations begin!
I Yacht Racing on the weekends. Does this mean I am an elitist? Is there McCain memorabilia available for my kind?
When the phone rings at 3am… it’ll be John McCain at the other end babbling about trying to escape by stabbing Charlie with his divot tool.
AngryBlakGuy: Rubbers!
http://countrystoreandgardens.com/products/product_info.php?products_id=156
MathewBrooks: That would be the yacht.
I also lacking subject-verb agreement
Note secret compartment to hold emergency supply of Depends.
No surprise there; fleece jackets at the Obama store are $50 (kinda pricey), but fleece jackets at the McCain store are TWO HUNDRED BUCKS.
Seriously:
http://gprr.blogspot.com/2008/06/fleece-jacket-election.html
I think McCain wants to be President of the Hamptons, Boca Raton, and Dubai.
Trollop: I don’t think Johnny and Cindy know about vibrators, or that they can be that small. No, they simply place the ball marker there so they remember where they go (it’s a more common problem than you’d imagine, especially with these two) once she’s done ramming him with their wooden dildo/emergency peg leg.
I’m thinking the Walnuts! soft sided cooler, (pink), would be a great gift for petejayhawk v2.0 to keep his stuck up, elitist beer cool while he smokes teh Camels…(whadda fratboy!)
John McCain Gold Plated Riding Crops?? So many uses; whipping the polo pony, the maid, the chaffeur, that C@NT of a Wife.
I’ve checked out both campaign stores, and I gotta say, the pickings at the Obama store are pretty slim by comparison.
But I hear pretty soon Obama will be offering a Belgian waffle maker that burns a star and crescent into each waffle. Yum!
tara: Classic! Are the McCain jackets bulletproof? Should be the other way around.
Let me know when Nutz’s bible and 1917 .45 ACP go on sale. Hallelujah ‘n hollow points: Q be all over that! Yea, though I walk through the valley of mindless spin, I will fear no evil: for WalNutz’s .45 art with me; thy bible and thy gun they comfort me.
is that a pipe resin cleaner?
I hope the Obama campaign sells switch blade combs.
mookworthjwilson: Actually, if it don’t come from a can and can’t be placed between the cheek and gum, then it ain’t real tobaccy. You can roll that up in some papers, too. That way the tumors from your mouth and lungs can meet in your throat for maximum efficiency.
Trollop: Nono, to clean the divots out of it. Dude forgets sometimes. Oh, the glamorous life of a republican wife.
Oh, and to mark his balls, because sometimes he forgets about those too.
Real Republicans don’t replace their fucking divots!
That’s what the Puerto Rican grounds crew is for. For fuck sakes, people.
tara: There’s also a $50 Faith of my Fathers DVD. And $150 books that he wrote (!)
I’ll stick with $5 car magnet from Barry, thank you very much.
loudmouthredhead: I can’t stand to have dirty balls, so I constantly use a ballwasher and by “ballwasher” I mean “Hillary.”
blogfather: Nono, he can sell of the rest of his smokes as he quits. Imagine….autographed menthols with the slogan “Did I stutta? I said…DID. I. STUTTA. MUTHA. FUCKA. I THOUGHT not. Obama ‘08″
See, when you hit a shot into a green from a long ways off, it leaves an indentation in the green. Left unrepaired, that indentation, or “divot,” will screw up somebody else’s putt, so a polite golfer always repairs these divots by taking a divot tool, shoving the little prongs into the green around the divot, and pulling in toward the center to level out the area and repair the divot.
Then you wipe off the divot repair tool on a golf towel and place the two prongs on either side of your cunt wife’s clitoris, which makes it sort of pop out so you can rub your cheek sacs against it.
That’s what a divot repair tool is.
Darehead: Sounds like we need to come upo with some new slogans to forward to McCain’s campaign. How about:
McCain: No Battteries Required.
weirdiowasculpture: elitist.
Darehead: That’s not a lanyard. It’s a self-flagellation kit to go with the butt plug.
How about a McCain wallet chain? Anybody seen one of those? Or a beaded McCain coin purse?
weirdiowasculpture: Now I Really want one, and so does my cunt wife!
I thought it was a weirdly shaped beer bottle opener when I first looked at it.
MoodProcessor: Everyone knows as old as McCain is, McCain fanny packs are the next item he’s going to sell, but he’s saving the best for last.
weirdiowasculpture: That image will rock me to sleep tonight. Thanks so much.
MoodProcessor: Do you REALLY want to see Walnuts!’s coin purse? REALLY?
Gopherit v2.0:
Deadly on Day One, Smarty.
Flip-flop we can Believe In, Smarty.
It’s the Stupidity, Smarty.
Paultardville: Also stealing First Black PresidentTM CLinton’s ebonics, per “In The News” on the front page: “Obama On Iranian Influence Equals Failed Judgmen” http://www.johnmccain.com/
McCain for Pres-O-Dent!
Hey, we got some thin blue lines over our avatars. Spiffy.
MathewBrooks: subject/verb agreement is elitist.
Lets not forget those McCain Blue-blockers, and those special socks to help with your circulation.
loudmouthredhead: If there was a picture on his website, who wouldn’t check it out? Just like a train-wreck - No, I wouldn’t want to see it, but I’d have to look.
Darehead: I think that’s for the Life-Alert
I’m going to my deans party mania tonight to see if I can get a mask of McCain, and Obama made. I have one for Bush, it kills at parties, not so much at banks though…
blogfather: Or the semi-transparent red sun visor, to help you see the world in rosy republican red, regardless of how poor and insurance-less you are.
blogfather: Is that those giant sunglasses oldsters wear over their regular giant eyeglasses? If so, then yes, he should sell those.
blogfather: How bout McCain LifeAlert Pendants…
Old Lady: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!!!
Walnuts: Shut up, cunt.
And, don’t forget the McCane.
http://www.fashionablecanes.com/
How come 67 people commented on this story and only 43 read it? I think some of you are commenting twice and not taking turns. Us old folks need more time to read this stuff and find our reading glasses and then a trip to the toilet, and then trying to find our reading glasses again and finally googling ‘divot’ on our dial-up Tandy ‘puter and then…..How come 69 people commented on this and only 47 read it?
upperleft: No, it says 49 (now) VIEWS. Duddn’t mean they read it.
upperleft: We are all Senators who don’t have time to read the National Intelligence Estimate, nor do we have time to read about some cane wielder stalking Johns for grass to replace the grass he smoked through some hole in Augusta with his cunt wife. Damn people and your “literacy.”
upperleft: And what about Barry, who can’t even find the toilet!!!
You know how golf is a good walk, ruined.
Well, McCain is a good presidential run ruined.
Darehead: And will Walnutz answer the phone at 3:30 a.m., or just turn to Cindy and say, “Pick up the phone, cunt!”
No, you don’t get it:
Drinking a $5 latte at Starbucks is elitist.
Paying $thousands$ for golf club memberships is everday workin’ man All American Great American Patriot conservative fun.
That thing is an analog coin detector, which shall prove
useful for all of us when McNasty is elected.
And why is there no “Native Americans for Walnuts”
swag?
EnBuenOra: Commenting on the Wonkette about what is or isn’t elitist, is elitist, because only an elitist would know the difference.
bitchincamaro: Are you kidding me? These are the same elitist hobby trinkets that McCain used to buy the Louisiana purchase.
Golf is boring unless your drunk or throwing divot tools at your fellow golfers.
If I understand what a “divot tool” is correctly, the only time I ever played golf (and I do hope it will remain so)we used quarters.
Maybe McCain should sell little rectangular pieces of paper and call them hundred dollar bills, because they can be rolled up and used in the same fashion.
shortsshortsshorts: Is it elitist to frisbee golf?
Could somebody please explain to me what a divot tool is ??
That is what elitests use to hold their junk while peeing.
AfghanVet: I was being serious, so although your amusing comment is duly noted, I am still no closer to understanding what a divot tool is .
Anyone ? Anyone ?
Mumble Softly: It was already said by another commenter it is used to repair the green after you swing and take out a chunk leaving a ‘divot’.
Mumble Softly: From Wikipedia (why would one want to look elsewhere?) entry on “Golf Etiquette:
“Fairway divots
Divots are part of the game, and should always be repaired to keep the game enjoyable for all those playing the course. A golfer should have buckets of sand used for repairing divots. A suggestion is that golfers should carry divot tools to help fit the new sand in. Regardless, golfers should fix any damage inflicted on the course.”
So, John McCain peddles tools for fixing mistakes. Handy!
Why just the other day I was telling my caddy Enrico that he should get me a new divot tool. This will be perfect.
blogfather: Not at all! But it is fun (in a pinko-commie kind of way)
Wonkette is out of touch. Golf is no longer an elitist persuit. Two words: GOLF CARTS. It’s now Bubba’s favorite pastime. He can lode the cart with his beer and his buddies and get loaded as he practices his “sport.”
no no no - it’s the key to anti-Madam first Lady’s chastity box.
Darehead: Phew. I thought it was a holder for your osteoporosis medicine.
Personally, I love to ‘hit the green’… which may explain why I frisbee golf so much.
Darehead: Geez, I though McCain was selling condoms that said “Ready from Day One.” THAT’d be kewl.
Mumble Softly: Divets are what happens when a golf club catches the ground and digs a small chunk out of the grass. As as was stated above, it is considered golf etiquette to replace your divet and repair the hole as best you can after your shot.
And, no, I do not play golf.
weirdiowasculpture: Yeah, right, like Walnuts knows what a clitoris is.
Advocatus_Diaboli: Ahhh…sarcasm…I must be a freakin’ genius.
WALNUTS has many divots in his cheeks and brain.
blogfather: And no, disc golf is not elitist — any sport where the total outlay for equipment starts at $7.95 cannot be considered elitist. Now if you refuse to play with anyone who throws like a girl, that’s another matter.
blogfather: Is frisbee golf one of those, “only white people get it” sports, like ultimate frisbee?
darehead: “Ready on Day 1″ is a reference to Genesis.
It’s penis ring that doubles as a bottle opener - ask Cynthia about about the buttwiper attachment.
I like golf. I suck at it, but I like to play. I’m definitely elitist, but divot tools are simply the easier way to maintain the course for other players. You can use a tee in a pinch, but it’s much easier with the tool. I also lurve me some good Miller Lite on the course. For true elitism, look no further: Good grief! He has nautical pins for sale. Now THAT is elitist. I wonder if it spells out his name or something. http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=LPR2189
Nothing says elitist like a hat spelling out your candidate’s initials in yachting signal flags.
John McCain nautical hat:
http://store.johnmccain.com/ProductDetails.asp?ProductCode=HTR2183
Contrast with the Hopey skully:
http://store.barackobama.com/product_p/ht00100.htm
WALNUTS! looks as crazy as hell in that picture on the button. Just what the McCainits want: a war-crazy psychotic to lead them into the Fifth Century BC.
is that a wooden nickel hidden inside that thing?
Serolf Divad: Is the eagle taking a dump on his shoulder? Hope so.
This has to be a joke:
“5 Stars — High quality tool! June 10, 2008
Reviewer: Sahreem J. Paultersenson from Phoenix, UT
This is the perfect tool for advanced rear end play. Whenever I am enjoying a game of golf I pull this device out and start plugging away. I enjoy the coolness of the metal and the smooth texture as it penetrates and removes the toughest of divots. I am glad it has a nice key chain to make for easy removal should it “accidentally” fall in the tee hole.”