Wonkette
Last night, John McCain showed Barack Obama how it’s done when it comes to speechifying: You park yourself in an underground bunker, pack the house with 80-year-old Bitters, and blink awkwardly in front of a vomitous green screen while declaring “that’s not change you can believe in.” Emboldened by that rousing success, John McCain will today challenge Barack Obama to a series of debates that will show the world just how angry and enfeebled the Republican candidate is. [Jonathan Martin]
JOHN MCCAIN
This is excellent news for Hillary!
And the old man will be summarily bitch-slapped on national television by a man who can both speak eloquently and actually conjure up SOLUTIONS as opposed to RETHORIC that fits on a bumpersticker.
…after watching that WALNUTS! speech last night, I can only imagine how many people are return HDTV’s this morning!
I’ll make the popcorn - this is going to be fun.
Whatever you do Barry, if Walnuts tries to get you to debate at dawn in a field in Weehawken NJ, DON’T GO!!!!
this is how it will go
McCain: “…And that, my friends, is why no one believes we should sit down and talk with Iran.”
Obama: “Actually, a recent bi-partisan poll showed that over 60% of Americans strongly believed diplomatic action is the best policy”
McCain: (Morphs into giant green abomination) “ARGGGGH!!!! McCAIN ANGRY!!!!!! McCAIN SMASH!!!!”
I hope that Our Wonkette will cover these historic debates with on-the-scene reporting, heckling chants of WAAAAAAAAAAAAALNUTS! WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALNUTS! and penis-copters.
He’s fighting for HRC’s honor.
…wasn’t John McCain one of the witnesses for the Aaron Burr & Alexander Hamilton duel?
I think I’ve seen this movie before… it was called Clinton vs. Dole and came out in 1996.
Future challenges by McCain include “who can make more women’s heart flutter” and the hundred meter dash.
Let the reverse lynching begin!
…I think Barry should take a page out of Bugs Bunny’s book and count 5 paces turn and fire instead of 10!
I wonder if McCain will call Obama a cunt too because we all know how effete Obama is.
NoWireHangers: …it would be way funnier if it was a flying vagina. It would give him a chance to say “someone get this c*nt out of my face!”
NoWireHangers: Yes, we need a whole fleet of Wonkette News Cockcopters to cover all the angles, this way when BHO gets get shot, we’ll have more than one movie to scrutinize for the next 45 years.
Serolf Divad: But this time Clinton is actually a black guy. Oh, and Bob Dole’s saying “Bob Dole” tick will be replaced by McCain’s “my friends…”.
icelight: I always thought of McCain as more a dizzy-egg roll or potato sack racer.
Let’s be fair; I think his cheek-sac is performing the same task as Richard Grant’s shoulder-boil in How To Get Ahead in Advertising; that sac’s got some bad ideas, man!
What about a series of catfights between Michelle Obama and Cougar McCain on the undercard?
NoWireHangers: With the whopper-chopper floating just inches above Wally’s head - ’cause,you know, he wouldn’t be able to swat it down. OMG that would be priceless!
Better yet, His Hopefullness should just high-five him at the first debate. This’d all be over in a matter of minutes.
Transcript of dual:
Barry: I change!
Johnny: You change!
Barry and Johnny: We all change for…
Barry: Reds, change!
Johnny: Blues, change!
Barry and Johnny: We all change for…
Barry: Change we can believe in!
Johnny: Change we can bereave in!
Barry and Johnny: We all change for…
Barry: Change we can Flip!
Johnny: Change we can Flop!
Barry and Johnny: We all change for…
Barry: Yo mama change!
Johnny: Osama change!
Barry: Hyper- change!
Hillary [aside]: Sniper, change!
Barry and Johnny: Hillary?
Hillary [aside]: I’ll never change!
[long pause]
Johnny: Diaper change!
Barry: Ooooooooooh, what’s that smell?????
Paultardville: …in a pit of baby oil!
“that’s not change you can believe in.”
What you can actually believe in is not changing.
More of the same, but worser, and older.
2008! Walnuts!
I think that Barack should literally, physically run circles around WALNUTS as he delivers his replies during the debate, just to drive this whole thing home.
mookworthjwilson: “Don’t stand around squawkin’, turn left at Weehauken…”
The only reason I can figure why McCain still haunting the South like some sort of reincarnated Jeff Davis is because he wants to remind us good Southerners that Barry O is a big ole BLACK YANKEE. Not that we care anyway, since most of us dearly wish Walnuts would take his geriatric, potty-mouthed, desert-state-living, beer-and-Xanax-swilling-2nd-wife-marrying ass back to Sedona and stay the fuck there.
This will give the Militia clowns nightmares: The Black Helicopters that they’ve all feared for so long!
McCain: You’re stupid!
Obama: You’re old!
McCain: You’re inexperienced!
Obama: You heart Bush!
McCain: Zzzzzzzzz
Bad move. WALNUTS! has a bit of problem with inconsistency already without someone helpfully pointing it out on national TV. If he loses his shit on the air, it will go hard for him.
sweetladyirony: …or talk really really low to see if he can get him to say “WHAAAAT!”
Seriously, the best thing that the Obama campaign can do is give John McCain all the time on-stage and on-camera that he wants. The more that people see of him, the less likable he seems. Going on last night’s performance, he will creep everyone out by August, and Obama will win in a 49-1 landslide (Utah will vote for Romney, obvs.)
I can’t believe with all that beer money and the Senate dental plan that nobody thought to get McSame a new set of dentures — or if those are his own hideously yellow teeth you’d think they’d get him booked for a bleaching. Surely his campaign isn’t so broke (yet) that it couldn’t get some Crest White Strips at the very least. That underbite was nasty lookin’.
he’s challenging obama? i thought hillary was going to be the democratic nominee.
jagorev: …take a look at my earlier comment and tell me that Best-Buy isn’t having their worst day ever todayAngryBlakGuy:
jagorev: sweetie, I’d love to believe you, but me fearest you misoverestimate “everyone.”
Vanity Smurf: I noticed that too. The classic jawstretch of the denturati.
AngryBlakGuy: Yes! Now I have an image of WALNUTS sitting with a blanket over his lap, clutching his ear horn.
My favorite comment on last night, from Nat’l Review:
Would you rather:
a) watch last night’s McCain speech? Or
b) be waterboarded?
This needs to be a poll on the Wonkette front page.
McCain is the candidate your party gets when it just doesn’t give a shit any more.
How the fuck did Republicans not go for Mitt? He’s so over-the-top insane… in other words, the perfect Republican candidate.
sweetladyirony: …howling “Cunt, bring me more BUD! Me wants BUD! NOW!”
Darehead: Seriously, isn’t he the least likable Presidential candidate ever? (I wasn’t born yet when Nixon was running)
jagorev: Well, he ain’t near the top. It probably makes me a minority here to say so, but I’d still give “W” the prize for bein’ the scariest, least likeable candidate ever.
I, for one, cannot wait until the debates start. I suggest McCain get his teeth whitened before then; they looked very yellow and gross in front of that green screen.
jagorev: He’s like Father Jack Hackett, except not endearing or funny at all.
In the debate, will McCain get two minutes to speak followed by two minutes for his cheek? Because while McCain seriously unnerves me, I actually like some of his cheek’s positions on the issues.
wallythepug: …I suggest he do it from behind a curtain holding a hand puppet.
Godless Liberal *: …does that 2 minutes include the time that the moderators will need to remind McCain what the question was?
wallythepug: Only elite bottled water-drinkers have white teeth. McCain’s diet of grubs and puddle water leaves his teeth a bitter, All-American yellow.
wallythepug: He accidentally wore his Senate dentures to the speech, instead of his pearly-white campaign set. I’d say he won’t make that mistake again, but honestly, his greatest responsibility these days is not soiling himself on stage.
sweetladyirony: http://www.citynerd.com/simpsons/grandpavoice.gif
oh me oh my, the comments section is sweet:
“Sorry to you sipporters of The Messiah. Your party had the elction handed to you last summer but last night you deliver a Communist supported, Marxist supported, Racist supported candidate for the general election…We are simply the Watchers on the Wall…the fiery oratory…socialist zealot…changed history forever…bitter, anti-semite…hate business…put a mask on…Stand for him all you want…biggest landslide since McGovern…just speaking rationally.”
signed “NH Dad”
sweet.
Drop-out: Is that in some different dialect of English and I’m just not getting it…?
Drop-out: Yah, if we nominate Him, they will come. Those NH (no humor) Dads. They’re here. In our midst. Now.
tunamelt: sorry i edited it just a bit for brevity’s sake, but I’m afraid you won’t get much more from the entire comment…
“Sorry to you sipporters of The Messiah. Your party had the elction handed to you last summer but last night you deliver a Communist supported, Marxist supported, Racist supported candidate for the general election. The fact that you can be proud of this speaks loudly just how low the Democrat party has sunk. None of us fear what may happen. We are simply the Watchers on the Wall warning the people. People once fell for the fiery oratory of another socialist zealot in the past too. He changed history forever as well. His arrogance much like your candidate. He was bitter, anti-semite who played on the emotions of people to hate business. The only difference this time around is your candidate put a mask on and turned his anti-semite stances off to get elected. But he remained at an anti-semite church for 20 years. Stand for him all you want. He will lose in the biggest landslide since McGovern. …just speaking rationally.”
or his follow up:
“Oh…and one more thing. Your candidates preacher-mentor-father figure is a black liberation theologian who hates America and whitey. Yeah. Good luck with your candidate in the genral election as you’ll need it. After 54 hard-fought contests, the democrats just nominated the weakest candidate who carry’s hours and hours of video footgae of the people he associates with hating the white guy and America. Congratulations Democrats!”
I suppose we congratulate him on not using ALL CAPS!!!!!!!!!
Why didn’t McCain invite Hillary? That’s just sexist, and Barack Obama is to blame.
Drop-out: YAY, rationally!
Darehead: I think that’s what he means by “We are simply the Watchers on the Wall warning the people.” and it gives me the creeps.
Drop-out: Huffing paint from a paper bag does, in fact, have consequences, apparently.
Drop-out: “Sipporter” refers to our love of sipping elitist Chardonnay, of course.
WALNUTS! guns are no match for Luo Spears.
Hey Barack, just wave this around.
http://www.azcentral.com/news/specials/mccain/articles/0301mccainbio-chapter7.html