Wonkette
Tonight, beloved Wonkette readers, we shall gather for one last (?) primary contest before Cheney attacks Iran and ends this campaign for good. Join us for the liveblogging, beginning at about 8:30 p.m. Eastern, which is 7:30 p.m. Central (for most of South Dakota) and 6:30 p.m. Mountain Time (for “Western South Dakota”) and also 6:30 p.m. Montana Time (Montana=Mountain) and, who knows, probably 5:15 p.m. Pacific Time. As always, makes sure to stop at the liquor/gun store on the way home for some bitter booze & ammo. Please leave predictions — and graphical-theme ideas for tonight — in the comments.
Making the ears smaller just to fit them on a mountain is cheating!
He comes within 7 delegates of the nomination. Hillary withholds her concession speech as a final “fuck you.”
I just read this and it said you were starting at 9:30pm Eastern.. now it says 8:30pm! I WANT A “FULL” INVESTIGATION OF THE AP, BY THE FCC. THIS IS PURE PROPAGANDA.
One last primary night? Quick, remind me again.. what are the five stages of grief?
I was sleepin’ like a rat
When I heard something jerkin’.
There stood Rita
Lookin’ just like Tony Perkins.
She said, “Would you like to take a shower?
I’ll show you up to the door.”
I predict Da Bearss 223, God 6.
Tonight I will be drinking Guinness as I follow this, in honor of me.
I predict terrible things tonight. An eagle shall devour a hawk and the night
sky shall be rent, yea, like a veil torn away, and so forth.
Thanks Wonkette editors for all the great live-blogging of primaries.
You know, I will miss this primary process once it’s finished. (I lie.)
You, until Hil decides that she wants to count the South American primaries.
I know how it’s going to end…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fezyDmoXdik
I just heard Hillary is willing to offer Obama the Vice Presidency.
ronaldpagan: Don’t forget, that’s 11 delegates if you count the ones he “stole” in Michigan!
Serolf Divad: There’s 7 stages of grief, actually:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Harriet Christian
5. Acceptance
6. Rum
7. Advil
Graphical theme ideas? Hopey in a Stetson, DOYE.
I think we can all agree that Clinton’s speech is probably going to be the biggest clusterfuck in world history.
As edgydrifter said in an earlier post, there will be hurled crockery. Shit-tons of hurled crockery.
Barry gets the magic number, with the help of a few supers.
Ickes breaks down on CNN, finally ending up on the floor, sucking his thumb and whimpering “Den-ver, Den-ver” into his blankie.
Hillary declares victory, citing the popular vote and Ricky Martin’s endorsement.
As Menudo goes, so goes the nation y’all.
The Clintons have now announced that they will not exit the gladiatorial fundament until all the votes are counted in American Samoa.
Tits_LaRue: Oh no. It’s more like this:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Hurled Crockery
4. Jim Beam
5. Bargaining
6. Harriet Christian
7. Strychnine
I think I’ll get a six of Moose Drool..
queeraselvis v 2.0: Hurled crockery and, I fear, at least partial nudity.
I plan on being too drunk to bother with this whole internet live-blogging business this time around.
Hillary… I hope that annoying mary sioux falls on her butte.
I’m betting on a major shoutout to the kid who sold his bicycle for a hearty “thank you” and the first in a lifetime of broken dreams.
An Anthem for Hilz, 3 June 2008 (by S. Sondheim)
It’s the last midnight.
It’s the last wish.
It’s the last midnight,
Soon it will be boom-
Squish!
….
You’re so nice.
You’re not good,
You’re not bad,
You’re just nice.
I’m not good,
I’m not nice,
I’m just right.
I’m the Witch.
You’re the world.
Smoke Filled Roommate: OMG I’ve actually had that beer!
And I am SO looking forward to Hillary’s speech. Never thought I’d say this, but ESPECIALLY if she doesn’t concede. Choking back tears and going, “It’s not over yet, because…excuse me…because if every single remaining superdelegate supports me, and Osama gets assassinated, then…wait…I’ve just received word that five more superdelegates have endorsed Obama. God DAMN America!”
The Clinton thing is more like:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Denial
5. Denial
6. Bargaining
7. Denial
queeraselvis v 2.0: Dammit! I always forget about the Hurled Crockery!
Do the Clintons actually own crockery? Is Barry going to have to pay to replace whatever Hillz breaks?
I’m being forced to attend a fucking dinner party or something tonight. I officially hate my friends. I swear to God if Hillary concedes and I do not get to see that shit as it happens I am going to cry the tears of a bitter.
Hillary consoles the working, hard working people, white people, and congratulates the lazy brown people.
ronaldpagan: I think she’s going to give a speech that half the voters will think is a concession speech, and the other half think is a “we’re fighting on!” speech. In other words, she’ll concede without actually conceding, and will then try to blackmail every superdelegate between now and the convention.
@wheelie
“There shall in that time be rumors of things going astray, erm, and there shall be a great confusion as to where things really are, and nobody will really know where lieth those little things with the sort of raffia-work base, that has an attachment. At that time, a friend shall lose his friend’s hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before, about eight O’clock.”
Also, Hillary remains in the race, pending the results of an FEC INVESTIGATION INTO THE INCONVENIENT TIMING OF BO WINNING THE NOMINATION!!!! CALL CALL CALL!!!!!!!!!
Well, on to the good news: only 40 years in Iraq, not the hundreds those commies are saying. This is from TPM.>
superfecta: Funny, given that the lead-up of Clinton’s whole campaign has pretty much been “So it’s your fault”…
ronaldpagan: 8. ????????
9. Profit!
Please track sullen looks of Candy Crowley, Susan Malveaux, and the other middle aged ladies on CNN put into the following:
Sullen Looks/hr before Hilz talks >?< Sullen Looks/hr after Hilz Talks
I couldn’t fucking resist. I got myself accredited to witness this in person.
A graph of Prometrium, Xanax, etc scripts by month over the course of the race.
Might also track white wine consumption in suburbs.
CNN calls it for Barry.
MSNBC calls it for Barry.
Fox calls it for Bush.
CSPAN makes everyone fall asleep.
4 more years!
No, no, the Clinton thing is:
1. Shrillness
2. Angry Shrillness
3. Loud Angry Shrillness
4. Threatening with Bill
5. Icy acceptance
6. Condescending hint at VP acceptance
7. Crown Royale after the VP goes to elsewhom
8. Beer with Jager shots
9. Hot tub with Harold Ickes
Also, I haven’t made it to a live-blog yet when it was still live and I’d hate to ruin my perfect record.
“Barack My Heart at Wounded Knee”
My sincere hope for tonight is that I am able to enjoy an Obama victory without having to worry about what crazy shit Hillz is gonna pull next. She and her senile delegates suck the hope and optimism out of me. I need Barry to recharge my batteries. Both the figurative ones and the ones in my vibrator.
Nomineeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
She won’t concede anything tonight. New developments show that the tide continues to turn. Mark Penn is conducting new polls in Iowa and Wisconsin. Early results indicate that voters in both states express interest in redoing their primary/caucus after being told that Obama was, in fact, an elite Harvard Muslim terrorist from Africa. These voters have finally “found their voices” and the foundation of our moral authority in the world depends on whether or not we allow them to be heard.
Walter Sobchak: I believe Colin Powell bought it for them at Pottery Barn.
TGY: Only one slight correction:
8. Pint of Everclear with a Percoset chaser.
Whatever the speech says, Hillz should enter the stage to “Final Countdown.”
shortsshortsshorts: C-SPAN is the most exciting out of all of those. Have you heard those mean old ladies call in to Washington Journal? Teevee Gold! Also, one morning I heard a guy call in when Greta was hosting WJ and he said, “I want to put whipped cream on your nipples.” You never know what kinda’ shit the crazies are going to say!
She’s going to suspend her nomination and then talk about how she is winning the popular vote and hopes to be working really closely with President Obama, wink wink, make me your vice president or I will release that tape of Michelle calling for the enslavement of the white race.
So basically, she will suspend her nomination without endorsing anyone, Clinton supporters will still hope for some last-minute miracle, and NOTHING WILL CHANGE.
Did anyone just see dreamy-eyes Mike Viqueira chattin’ it up with Pimpin’ Shuster? I had no idea how hilarious Mike was.
Yeah, she won’t really quit tonight, because you never know, the, ahem, assassination thing could still, uh, happen……..Not that she’s hoping for that……..much….
AudicityofHope: C-SPAN gets SOOOO many callers from the Ron Paul revolution (should “revolution” be capitalized?). They’re usually not that funny, though. They never sound crazy, just douchey.
Someone better make sure to get those ‘bama voters in Dakota & Montana to the polls. Sludgydrudgy has a report HIls expects to win by…I”m not joking, 25 points.
Uncle Al: That terrible June thing is as eatshootsleaves says, more racey stuff. At least she believes in the Dem party.
I think our stages of denial are omitting one important fact: the Clintons have no compunction about rewriting the fundamental physical laws of the universe (usually by blackmailing allah) to their favor. Last saturday was nothing compared to their new scheme, where every american who DOESN”T vote will be counted in Hillary’s camp.
The most likely thing to happen is that Barack will start giving his speach declaring himself the nominee. This will cause a bunch of the Bitters to go crazy and draw their guns. Then:
Obama: [pulling gun on self, speaking in a low voice] Hold it! Next man makes a move, the nigger gets it!
Harold Ickes: Hold it, men. He’s not bluffing.
Terry McAuliffe: Listen to him, men, he’s just crazy enough to do it!
Obama: [low voice] Drop it! Or I swear I’ll blow this nigger’s head all over this town!
Obama: [now speaking in a higher voice] Oh, lo’dy, lo’d, he’s desp’it! Do what he sayyyy, do what he sayyyy…
[the Bitters drop their guns. Obama jams the gun into his neck and drags himself through the crowd and towards the station]
Harriett Christian: Isn’t anybody going to help that poor man?
Terry McAullife: Hush, Harriet, that’s a sure way to get him killed!
Obama: [higher voice] Oooh! He’p me, he’p me! Somebody he’p me! He’p me! He’p me! He’p me!
Obama: [lower voice] Shut up!
[Obama places his hand over his own mouth, drags himself through the door into his office]
Obama: Ooh, baby, you are so talented! And they are so DUMB!
NotUrEvryDayWEzl: Ah yes, all those tedious laws and math.
“Reeling and Writhing, of course, to begin with, and then the different branches of arithmetic — Ambition, Distraction, Uglification, and Derision.”
Graphical idea: Dead horse
Graphic idea: Hillary as a dead horse being beaten by
Michelle while she yells “Die Whitey”
I predict unbridled comraderie, (by that I mean forced ass-sex);
gales of uplifting and inspired oratory, (by that I mean hideous
E-bola like verbal hemorrhaging); followed by spontaneous displays
of patriotism and chivalry (by that I mean cold-blooded back-stabbing
and flag-lapel burning).
It should be a lovely evening. I am gathering the family, now.
If my first prediction doesn’t happen, I picture something like this (all times Pacific Daylight, i.e. real time)
7:30p: Hillary comes out accompanied by Chelsea, Chelsea’s boyfriend, Bill, who has two girls in bikinis on his arms, and her “partner.” “If you guys want change, look at this!” She begins her speech before giving her “partner” a big open mouth kiss. She then sucks down a full fifth of Jack Daniels, and then starts repeating everything Father Pflagger said. At the very end, she holds the fifth up to the crowd and announces “If I cannot be president, no one can…, now where are those launch codes we kept” and passes out.
8:30p: Barack comes out, his nose covered with some white powder. Michelle is dressed in black pants, a black turtle neck, black beret and black sunglasses. They both turn to Mecca and start the speech with a prayer and then a cry for Jihad. Barack launches into his normal oratory, but then stops, and starts enquiring of the audience “Are you all cool? I mean, there’s no 5.0 here, right? You are all cool.” He then runs off stage for about a minute before coming back out, with even more white powder on his nose. He then finishes his speech with a chorus of “Yes we can,” before finally saying “And now on to the White House, which we are going to Pimp beyond belief. God Bless the United States of America. Now someone get me a white women and I’ll show her that I’m more than adequate.”
By this point, I hope to be on my fifth matini.
Any of you msm folk know when Hilz & Hopey are scheduled to speak this eve? Need to plan ahead to ensure I ingest and time my appropriate dosage.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Well Montana and South Dakota are full of simple folk, farm folk who have lived and worked the same land for years.
You know, hicks.
Lionel Hutz Esq.: OMG I am renting “Blazing Saddles” and “The Warriors” tonight. The Harriet Christian cameo was priceless!
Lionel Hutz Esq.: Wow you are on fire! Here’s Hillary’s speech tonight:
Hillary: “It has become obvious today that Obama has gained the nomination, and I want to say that I am honored to accept the Vice Presidency. It will be a pleasure working with-”
Barry: “Um…Senator?”
Hillary: “Shhh…don’t say a word…I’ll do it!”
Sludgy has excerpts from McInsane’s speech tonight. Oh goodie-goodie, we’ll get to hear from everyone.
Why did someone put a likeness of Andy Griffith on Mt. Rushmore? Wouldn’t he be more apropos at the Crazy Horse statue?
A sneak peak at Hillary and Bill’s gracious concession speech:
“Let us count the ways we’re going to fuck you up”
There will be wailing and gnashing of teeth,in diverse places. Hope shall rise and the crazy white woman will storm. And lo.. there will be confusion as she continues to threaten the Superbeings. that’s it, i got nothing else. but i do wonder if bill is hiding out somewhere far far away, man, that wrath is gonna be something fierce. And since we are having the ‘last best primary’ here (really there’s a a thing called that) (or maybe that was on saturday and i missed it) anyway, i think i need some beer or something, so i can deal with all this bull shit.