Wonkette
Can Obama do it? Can Hillary force herself to lose? Every reporter in the country is scanning e-mails, harassing sources, divining from “expense reports,” following travel schedules, monitoring clandestine superdelegate meetings, et cetera et cetera and so forth, to see what’s gonna happen tomorrow. Here’s a bulleted list of tea leaves being read. Our guess? Hillary herself has not even considered making a plan yet.
- Obama wants a clinch tomorrow night and is drunk dialing all his superdelegates with the “All the cools kids are endorsing me” line of persuasion. [AP]
- Hillz is headed to her hard-working white “mansion” in Chappaqua, New York tonight to “huddle” with her advisors and Bill Clinton over tea, crumpets, and tears. [Newsday]
- Clinton staffers are urged to turn in their expense receipts by the end of the week. So Barack Obama can pay them, like a gentleman? [Marc Ambinder]
- Nothing on Hillary’s schedule beyond Wednesday morning. Maybe she is just the President of Procrastination? [ABC News]
- Hillary’s top campaign fundraising chair: “I strongly suspect that you’re going to see a wait and see attitude until at least Wednesday.” She also mentions that she has no idea what the hell she’s talking about. [TPM Election Central]
- Tom Edsall is old, and probably knows things, and he says the Tea Leaves indicate some serious quitting in a day or two. In other words, Tom Edsall can read. Hooray! [Huffington Post]
- And by far the most important sign is that Harold Ickes may have gotten the memo: “Top adviser Harold Ickes and fundraising director Jonathan Mantz held a conference call with top donors Monday. Among other things, Ickes said Clinton most likely would not appeal a ruling by the Democratic Party rules committee seating the delegation from a disputed primary in Michigan, according to a participant who described the call on condition of anonymity.” [AP]
Love you Hillz! Make good choices and drink responsibly at Chappy tonight!
This is more arousing than that Scottish sheep porn site I found the other day.
Dude, if Rendell and Vilsack have already thrown it in, there’s no hope, Hills. Maybe you should run as an independant, with that “Inadequate Black Male” screaming lady as your veep.
Fuck this. I’ll believe it when I see it. If she does drop out, I’m hoping they let her sing a few bars of “You’re Gonna Miss Me” by the 13th Floor Elevators.
After all of this arglyblarg, if Madame just quits it’s going to be such a gigantic letdown. I want a biblical-sized freakout. I want hurled crockery. I want a screeching tirade so thick with obsenities that the network news beeps will run together like a test of the emergency broadcast system. I want something set on fire.
C’mon, Hilz, you owe us bigtime.
If people keep talking like it’s going to happen, I’m going to stop believing that it’s going to happen. Just like bombing Iran.
*sigh of relief*
I’m glad about the last point too (about not appealing the RBC decision). I mean, it’s only four delegates, get over it Mr. Ickes. That would have dragged things out until June 29th at least. If I were Obama, I’d hand them over just so that there is nothing left for her to bitch about.
“Clinton Spokesman: She Won’t Drop Out Tomorrow”
The Clinton spokesman later clarified that Wednesday is not tomorrow.
You found a Scottish sheep porn site and you’re not including the link?
Hi! I have a personal question related to The Hillary’s inevitable drop-out tomorrow/Wednesday. I’m spending the week with my girlfriend at her parents’ place. The whole family supports Hillrod. (They’re not Bitter or gay, which of course means they must be Latino.)
Upon drop-out do I: (1) Celebrate by drinking like Ted Kennedy, as I would have normally; (2) Keep my exuberant joy politely locked up inside; (3) Find less Bitter people to date; (4) Get banned from Wonkette for thread-jacking; (5) Write-in. Polls are fun!
I still want to know how you can expect her to quit, with Barry alive, and it still being June and all. It just doesn’t seem reasonable. I mean, anything could happen. Right?
…she is going to go “home” and prepare for her presidential run in Puerto Rico.
SayItWithWookies: That is also happening tomorrow.
Godless Liberal *: …url?
Damn, I was just going to apply for a job on that campaign!
I mean it looked like we were just getting started.
So Hillary is now appealing her appeal after agreeing with the rules committee? Is she fucking retarded? Barry should throw her some money, fast.
You guys are making me want so deeply to believe. But Harold Ickes said no appeal, which is good news. Of course he will just try to persuade the pledged delegates in MI and everywhere else to switch.
SuperRounder: Best song ever.
weirdiowasculpture: My apologies. http://www.hillaryclinton.com
Hilz didn’t sacrifice a goat this afternoon like she does every monday.
Hillary will still be running for 2008 in 2010. She’s never going to leave.
I better not be falling for their campaign “insider” hint-dropping Jedi mind trick bull this time. Gah.
UnreliableNarrator: Obviously drink, that is always the answer if it is an option, but when talking to the family, don’t let them know you’re happy and try to get them to say something racist about hopey. Let us know what you can get.
Hey, if Hillary runs as an indie, maybe she’ll neutralize Bob Barr from the left.
Maybe. I’m being generous.
now I’m voting for McCain.
Godless Liberal *: Are the sheep Scottish or is the website in Scottish or what?
UnreliableNarrator: My suggestion would be to date someone of better breeding.
tunamelt: In Russian, the word skot actually means “cattle.” No joke.
I just received word that she’s taking this to the apocalypse. Set your hopes on low.
@ Godless Liberal
Thanks. She’d look cute all woolly and dressed in one of those kilt thingies. Hell, I’d hit it.
Found the sheep porn site, no thanks to a certain cocktease who shall remain nameless. Here it is:
http://www.feet.net.nz/gallery/album05
She’s going “home” to polish her vice-presidential nomination acceptance speech. And to erase Gina Gershon’s e-mail address off of Bill’s Blackberry.
Sadly, even if she does drop out tomorrow, there’ll still be three more months of this (from Huffpo):
“SUPER DELEGATES DO NOT VOTE UNTIL THE CONVENTION! STOP MAKING UP YOUR OWN ESTIMATES!!! AND THEN EVEN AFTER THE FIRST BALLOT, EVEN PLEDGED DELEGATES CAN VOTE FOR WHOMEVER!”
Hillary is already setting her sights on getting Barry impeached over some minor scandal. Perhaps she will attempt to blow him in the Oval Office.
ronaldpagan: She’d have to get in line. (To blow him, that is.)
@ronaldpagan
OK, I didn’t think it was possible, but that image is actually making me sick.
ronaldpagan: Ugh. You owe me a new couch for that all-too-vivid imagery.
ronaldpagan: Now that’s what I’d call a great VP candidate!
Pop Socket: I hope that Gina Gershon thing is true, because that would be the sexiest political adultery EVER.
AxmxZ: Yeah, no white house interns in Barry’s first term. He won’t get any work done with al lthe strange being thrown at him.
shortsshortsshorts: My hopes are always set to stun.
I’ve followed this whole mess closely and I don’t recall any pundit describing what the RBC did to Florida and Michigan as “throwing those states under the bus.” I think that is a sign of major progress, or maybe regress. But I generally don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about.
For some reason, I’m thinking Barry, Michelle, Gina, and a Scottish sheep in a four-way. I really have to get back to work now.
Gopherit v2.0: Robo-interns!!
i thought this whole speech with her supporters and her donors was so she could unveil michelle’s whitey video.
For the first time in a very long time Hilliary might just make my week! Scottish sheep are not recommended…
I grew up in Chappaqua–Horace Greeley, ‘81, GO QUAKERS! (Our mascot was a fucking QUAKER).
But, anyhoo, if she’s drinking in Chappaqua she’ll be faced by dinner. That’s the Chappaqua way. And if she’s being authentic she’ll pass out on the lawn then puke all over her pantsuit and matching handbag ensemble. Good times.
RuperttheBear: How do you play contact sports with a Quaker for a mascot? “Go, go Quakers!! Don’t fight, don’t fight, don’t fight!” And instead of “De-fense, de-fense, de-fense!” - “Be-nice, be-nice, be-nice”?
This moment reminds me of my hopeful evenings in junior high, wondering if I might get lucky and get with some little hottie, only to be rudely awakened to the fact that it was Wednesday and homework was overdue, I had a big zit (not quite like McBoilan’s), had no funds, no car, and cell phones had not yet been invented. Brutal masturbation on the bathroom floor usually followed thereafter. Then the anger. Then the dejection. Then the surity that Thursday was just around the bend, ad infinitum. C’mon Hilz, give it up tonight, huh, Sweetie?
AxmxZ: He’d have to line up behind me and Audicity. PS: Woody Allen got beaten up by Quakers.
Gopherit v2.0: I’d be scared the technique could work, but we all know Hill-dog gives terrible head.
ronaldpagan:
“But Harold Ickes said no appeal, which is good news.
Don’t get your hopes up. When Ickes said “no appeal,” he wasn’t declaring that she wouldn’t appeal the RBC decision, which right she had reserved.
He was answering the press question “What was the missing ingredient in Hillary’s campaign?”
UnreliableNarrator: Re: Drinking amongst your GF’s family of Hils supporters: If they still ’support Hillary’ it probably means that they aren’t really paying much attn to the whole show, a la my own hispanic wife, who ’supports Hillary’ but didn’t bother gettin her ass to the caucus like her Obama-voting hubby did. In other words, they don’t really care that much.
Try not too look too happy, though, just in case. Be prepared to hoist a toast to Hils and say something along the lines of “She fought a helluva match, din’ she?” Try to do it with a straight face. You may want to practice in the mirror a few times.
abc
columnv: As easy as 1, 2, 3.
AxmxZ: On Rugrats, Chuckie was always very afraid of the guy on the oatmeal box. Quakers can be sort of intimidating.
Godless Liberal *: Gina Gershon is far too hot for Bill. I believe the Markie Post rumors, however.
Hillary would never go down on Barack anyway; she’d send Chelsea in to do it.
ronaldpagan: How much money do you think Barry might be able to raise if he opened a $2,300 kissing booth?
Dave J.: Paula Jones was for too hot* for Bill, and that didn’t stop her.
*This does not mean that Paula Jones is hot.
Please, God, make it end. I’m so tired of the twitch in my left eyeball….
AxmxZ: Yeah. It was pretty lame. We’d substitute “Greeley” when we could, but “Greeley’s got the power!” wasn’t so great either. 43% of the vote, madness, etc.
Turn on the TV no one listening will believe
Even chelsea’s got drops of blood running down her sleeve
She says, “tune in, turn on and drop out through a hole” but
Even one delegate is more than zero, hey!
Dave J.: I’d more likely suspect Delta Burke, with his past taste in mistresses.
Gopherit v2.0: Why don’t we just meet in the middle and agree he had an affair with Camryn Manheim.
Around 1am in Chappaqua, listen for a drunken Hillary to be singing this:
After I’m gone, after we break up.
After I’m gone, you’re gonna wake up.
You will find that you were blind,
To let somebody come and change your
mind.
After the years we’ve been together,
Through joy and tears, all kinds of
weather,
Someday,blue and downhearted,
You’ll long to be with me,
Right back were you started.
After I’m gone, After I’m gone away.
UnreliableNarrator:
I would start with the drinking. Then take your girlfriend to the kitchen table and demonstrate to her parents just what Barack did to Hillary, and how she really enjoyes it in the end.
My anger and despair will increase manyfold when the Red Wings beat teh snots out of the Penguins tonight. I heart the Red Beards, but with no more NHL until October I will have no teevee eye must focus solely on this far more brutal sport. Wings in 7!
Goodbye all you people,
Theres nothing you can say,
To make me change my mind.
Goodbye.
Look, Mummy. There’s an airplane up in the sky!
@UnreliableNarrator: Fool! If they are latino just celebrate in English.
@AxmxZ: He’s going to have to lower the price if he wants to woo over Hillary’s bitter women. If he started giving out kisses like penny candy, than Richard Branson might want to watch his gold-plated back.
Look, y’all, I know it looks as though there might finally be a light at the end of this horrific tunnel, but don’t cue the celestial choirs just yet. Hold your horses (especially you, Big Brown) and let’s just see what happens.
If this election were a movie, it would be “Waiting to Exhale”.
AudicityofHope: I’d rather call it “Nightmare on Elm Street.”
@shortsshortsshorts:
If it were a chick flick: “Waiting to Exhale”
Slasher movie: “Nightmare on Elm Street”
Disney movie: “Beauty and the Beast”
no exit
or “resident evil: extinction”
SuperRounder: I’m with you on that on, although I think this song would be more appropriate.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=CjheBSB-7_A
Whore Diamond in the Rough: I just snarfed shiraz. You’re the greatest. I fucking mean it, WDitR.
Tears for Fears’ “Goodnight Song” would also be appropriate:
Here on the stage
The time has come
Amid the strains of “Be My Angel,” for rock in 2/4
Time may keep alive that old swan song
That we’ve been playing forever
‘Till the time may be right to say “goodbye”…
loquaciousmusic: Sorry, that’s “of rock in 2/4.” Damn shiraz!
UnreliableNarrator: Keep exuberant joy inside, while drinking like Ted Kennedy, so you can deal with dating a bitter. Nothing in the above activities rule out writing in and getting banned from Wonkette. Multi-task!
AudicityofHope: Now you’re making Barry sound like some sort of a himbo. I approve.
I do wonder if even the bitterest, most withered old uterus would be able to withstand his charms if he actually set his mind on winning her over?
“Hard working white mansion”? Hillz has a plantation?
AxmxZ: You’re on. Phyllis Schlafley.
edgydrifter: WORD.
I fear that this is some sort of ruse. Rather than withdraw tomorrow night, she’ll submit her resignation to the DNC and retool as an Indy…
maybe Ickes missed toked and there will be a jubilant announcement of an appeal
AxmxZ: All Hill’s bitters need to schedule an “appointment” with Barack. I have no doubt that he can swoon even the fugliest of women (i.e.obnoxious “I’m from Manhattan” lady). They might go in screaming “Den-ver! Den-ver!” but by the end of the night, after a little bit of sweet talk and Marvin Gaye, all you’ll be able to hear is:
Barry- “Baby, are you fired up?”
Shriveled old bitter prune- “I’M FIRED UP(in my pants)!!”
Barry- “Are you ready to go?”
SOBP- “OH GAWD! YES, YES, YES WE CANNNNNN!!!”
AudicityofHope:
The scenario you suggest sounds frighteningly accurate. The ensuing NY Post headline:
“ARMY OF BITTERS CRIES OUT FOR CHANGE”
obfuscator:
Tuesday’s NYP head: “HOME ALONE”: With Hilz’ head PS’ed onto Macaualay Culkin’s bod. That’s fun with newsprint, no?
SayItWithWookies: Piece of cake. They’ll bond over Huckabee. He’ll get her going on a rant against him, and the job’ll be half done. By the end, she’ll be patting his cheek and calling him a “good boy” and wishing she were four or five hundred years younger.
AudicityofHope: And then Michelle has to bathe him seven waters and scrub him with black Hawaiian sand to get the smell of wrinkled whitey fingers off his tight over-pinched ass.
AxmxZ: That got me all hot and bothered. We should have more comments about Barry bathing.
AudicityofHope: Too true. And is it weird that, since those Barry pool shots made it to the top of New Wonkette, I’ve been clicking on them at least 3 times a day?
Whitey-lovin’ hill will run as an independent, W/ Lieberman as v.p. Mcsame will endorse them and go back to being diapered by CIndy.
Hillary will announce her VP candidacy. With McCain!
AudicityofHope:
“Never ending story”
“The Good, the Broad and the Ugly”
“Bride of Clintonstein”
“The Unbearable Lightness of Being Citizen McKane”
“Invasion of the Ballot Snatchers”
“Unforgiven”
“Raging Bullshit”
“Throw Obama off the Train”
My prediction, no snark: She will “suspend” her campaign, leaving plenty of implication that “anything can still happen,” and try to neutralize the 40 or so delegates he needs.
She’s taking it to Denver. I really, really hope I’m wrong.
@unreliable narrator Drink, by all means drink. They’ll be ours by November.
You know, when Hills drops out we’re going to have to make fun of WALNUTS! again. Only all the jokes have already been done since they’re so obvious.
Unless someone kindly provides us with an ass-fucking scandal, that is.
TGY: the WALNUTS team will be sooooo 24/7 overcaffeinated busy with swift-boating Obama as a Radical Lefty Christian Communist Gay Skinny Muslim with a Racist UnAmerican wife, they’ll be plenty to cry about.
Oh wait, you said “joke”…….
AxmxZ: Fight, fight, inner light! Kill, Quakers, kill!
edgydrifter: +1. Although I’d just be happy with Mark Penn immolating himself on the floor of the convention.
Just go away Hillary, just go away.
ronaldpagan: I actually saved them on my computer. As well as the sunglasses shot, the jeans shot, a particularly cute smiley shot, and, of course, this shot.
AxmxZ: So, just for the record, I’m making that last one there my Facebook profile picture.